All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

errr typo - Haribo - a good year not tear - also there have obviously been plenty of those too -but less now

Helloooo everyone - welcome Haribo. It's completely normal to feel shite after 18 months. I often feel like that and it's been 3 years!
Getting - I'm so sorry you feel bad about your house - that is crap and I do know the feeling. We had bought our dream house - parquet floors, vicotiran tiles etc etc - and done it up then he left - we'd only been there a year. I didn't think I would like to move but I do speak from experience when I say I felt such a relief and freedom when I moved into my little place. I was no longer living in an empty shell full of crap memories. I hope this happens to you.
Happy - he was your dad, tell him he's not welcome. If he wants to pay his repsects he can do so later. I'm sure your dad would have been very angry at him for all he's done - he doesn't deserve to come to the funeral - well, that's my opinion - he hasn't thought about you in any of this. In this moment of public and private grief you certainly don't have to think about him
Kate - what a prize idiot your h is - what goes around comes around eh? Funnily enough, him saying that he doesn't love you anyway reminds me of what my exbf said to me when he phoned last SAturday. He said that a mutual friend had given him a bollocking for dumping me and he said "Thing is, even after she explained all of the reasons why I was a fool, it made me realise that I'd made the right decision because I still didn't want you back". Like I needed to hear that. These men have so little respect for us that even when they know we're nurting like mad over them, they STILL tell us the most hurtful things. Oh grrrrrrr!
Maybee - I would phone the tax credit people and go over it with them over the phone just to make sure. I think that you should get more money than that. Have you included the working element of child tax credit? That should be added onto the normal tax credit.
Hi Citydoll - well done for surviving a very low moment - I really wanted to magically come and see you and hug you you know! You're right about women with young children having lots of rights in divorces - Kate you should seek advice straight away - he won't be able to escape his responsibilities when you start legal proceedings
And by the way - I had an extremely quick divorce too. Started end of January, done by June I think - and it would have been quicker but I had to sell the house which didn't sell until the May. Know how you feel when you say you were shellshocked. So was I. It took less time to get divorced than it did to get married!
Know what you mean about an awakening PAtience. I had one of those about a year after my divorce and unfortunately it just ended up in more heartbreak. My exbf was the polar opposite of exh - much more cultured, slightly hippy, intelligent. But one thing that I have learnt is that just because someone seems like a kind, cultured individual and doesn't tell you to eff off all the time, it doesn't mean that they can't be manipulators or controlling or liars. They just hide it behind a cultured facade. So beware ladies. Twonks come in many disguises.
Still doing ok here but tonight I suddenly felt so sad at being duped taken for a ride and "played" for a year. I know he's heavily back on the dating website and will meet his next victim very soon. And I know that I will start getting lonely and missing a physical relationship and then I'll be tempted to go back on a dating site and I really know that they are full of serial monogamists who just use them like a nightclub. And I've really enjoyed having a lovelife since my divorce...sigh.
I would love a meet up in London town by the way. Tea - could you come for a day? If not, we could come and visit you!
Love to all dumplings that I haven't specifically mentioned :)

Sending you strength Kate ,superb you kept dignified but remember you dont have to tell him anything anymore re finances ,let the SOL work it out ,they all think its a right kick in the groin re child maintenance ,slows down the cash flow on the older free and single lifestyle ,but as you say its your kids future you are talking about and when you split it just becomes business x

Sorry for typos - I get carried away!

Hello everyone, kateyour ex is a damn fool and you are doing so well please don't feel too sorry for him he hasn't spared you any hurt. You are in a good position though but get thee to a sol as good will and fairness can evaporate as quickly as fidelity and love as far as I'm concerned when finances/property come into the picture. Although the ball will be in your court on this one.
I went onto another website re tax credits and did a calculation today and this time the figure was a lot more promising, anyway I bit the bullet and phoned them but couldn't bring myself to ask how much I might get in case of more disappointment but at least that deed is done. One step forward. Dunno why but I felt nervous and guilty telling them my x had gone. Must be my convent schooling or something.
X came to mind the boys so I headed out for a bit I didn't make it to pub as night fell v fast and I got the willies so I went for a wander around the retail pk. That blooming 'Winter's tale' song came on when I was wandering the aisles of B&Q and I had to stop and weep for about 10 secs then when I got home there was a really idyllic John Lewis family Christmas ad on TV that got me all over again. Jaysus this healing process is slow some days. Just when you think you're on top something trips you over. Inevitable I suppose. Mind you I did walk past a house on our ave and heard that 'Girls just wanna have fun' song and thought that is more like it. Life is such a cocktail of contradictions these days.
Haribo welcome I hope you find this thread as supportive as we do. The feeling of avoiding people in rl is not a good one. I'm v evasive with people atm and I am normally v friendly but I am making an effort not to cut myself off as again that would mean my x taking more joy from my life.
I got a really interesting book from the library by Deepak Chopra, it is a novel this time, it is called daughters of love or something like that and is all about wise women so I'm going to go and read it just now it is all about the subtle world.
I'd love to do a meet up sometime but am in central Scotland so London is a bit far just now.
Goodnight everyone.
x

Maybee - we could have a northern meet up too if you like. You are in Scotland, I'm on the border and I think Patience is in Glasgow. What do you reckon?

Hello - just wanted to say how much everyone on here has helped me. Pouring out my feelings here has actually made me able to open up in real life (and without bursting into tears)which is a massive thing for me. I have actually been able to talk about my situation at work today - before, I think people were reluctant to ask me how I am...because I always say "Oh I'm fine...don't worry about me" But now I can tell them honestly what's going on and I don't feel bad or ashamed or embarassed - or pitiful (which is worst for me) but people have offered me help and I feel I can finally accept it. And all the advice I've had in RL - is EXACTLY what you brilliant ladies have told me :)

Sending hugs to all you wonderful, fabulous, beautiful women.

Keep strong :)

I put post on here a while ago, this is a long thread, but if found suitable by reading my last post, could I join this worthy group please?

Ahhh virtual group ((hugs))

This group is fab.

Btw The Pampered Chef party last night was pleasant but I did not buy one single item, almost £20 for a garlic crusher Prices were crazy, although products looked fab, rather reminded me of Lakeland but more pricey and posher. The lady consultant cooked things in front of us whilst telling us all about each product she used and how amazing it was etc. Was rather funny and all my friends getting a turn at cutting with their professional knives etc. Do you think they invited me in error when I am on benefits now, a single mum and my soon to be ex h is barely supporting me financially again as he has lost his temping job and is just doing ad hoc bar work right now...?

I don't remember seeing your original post Karen but feel free to join in.

Clouded - I think you are spot on about the cat. Phone call at 8am this morning, poor him all "Hi, how are you?....." Just waiting for me to ask how he is because he's got to go and sit in an office for 7 hours with the woman who doesn't want him now he's given up his family.

Phone call was to tell me some big tale about the cat (who has been missing for a couple of days) Well ex, I'm good - thanks! Girls sat wrapped in blankets watching Pokemeon laughing and giggling.

Urgh I wouldn't answer his calls if this is going to become a regular occurence, distance yourself and become business like and polite and keep the chat to just arranging contact between him and the girls. You're not his emotional crutch, although he is trying to treat you that way, as you used to always be there for him. Maybe it eases his guilt a little if he's all pally with you.

Have you seen Solost thread? Her ex H keeps trying to do that too. The comments are enlightening by fellow mumsnetters and very wise. I lurk on there a lot and read how it is going.

Yeah, business like a good idea.

Well, the walls are silent, no word from BE. He has become the invisible man .

Pilates calls. Remember ladies, mind, body, spirit and soul, they all need to be nurtured.

Had fab eve last night. Reading, started a feelings journal, got distracted by you tube music and ended up finding some fine tunes. And then a three hour chat with mman to develop the mind. Sounds strange I know but feeling cool this am and ready to fight the good fight.

WQ where are you? I have desire delights to share.

Journal sounds fab Happy ,glad ur feeling cool ,ur right about the nourishing ,seriously in need of some ME time all gone a bit tits up since the weekend re serenity,annoys me that i am still bothered by his comments,letter this morn to say he hasnt replied to SOL 2mths since she sent it, planning a bit of a walk this morning and haircut this afternoon ,thinking of buying telly 2nite for X factor final 2morrow and trying to get tree organised.

Good idea Patience.

This may be an empty promise as not totally sure of plans this eve but if I am in I will be doing a DJHappy thing I think. Tainted love on the radio just gave me the vibe.

Hello girls. I've been awol again, this time due to faulty router so I haven't even been able to lurk. Everything has finally hit me. No more adrenaline left to keep me ticking over. I'm off work again as I can't concentrate and am very weepy. Trying to get some help. Finally went to see xp's parents and they were really lovely to me so that was good.

Happy you sound on great form , I had a spell of writing stuff down in the early weeks and I came across it the other day. It was full of stuff about how xh was in the final weeks when he was here but we knew he was leaving. I had forgotten the revolting detail of what a tosser he was at times and it was good to be reminded of actual detail. I know what you are talking about is much more positive though

I went for a run earlier and listed in my head all the things that are positive. I suddenly had a thought about how I would have been living in the last year if I had continued being married to him. It was really enlightening as I know in spite of all the pain etc I have had a happier year and done a few things I wouldnt have otherwise done.

I called to my mind my dumpling triumph in Cornwall coasteering and giving the dc a fab holiday.

Getting much closer to all my family especially my Dad who I have never had a decent relationship with before.

Doing random things - like having a bunch of MN strangers over for the day !! Thanks for photos Happy

More importantly being treated with kindness and respect by every single person I have contact with apart from... you guessed it xh

More people coming to the house today and I am going to focus on the fact this is a necessary evil and part of escaping the tyranny of marriage to that twunt.

Christmas tree is out of its netting phase one complete!

hey everyone

Cant get on with my mobile i can see maybe 2 messages and cant post grrr am at DM's so using her comp and hoping to borow a dongle later (fingers crossed)

hope everyones ok seen what citydoll was posting the other day i hope your ok hun, hang in there it will get better other than that i have no idea what is going on and dont have time to read, sorry

Am not in a good way atm, things went drastically wrong with X and i feel like im back at square one, we had a big heart to heart after he had spent a full 3 days with us and it was bliss but he decided he was too confused and that he wanted just friendship even though everything he said and did was to the contrary so i told
him that when he left that would be it, we'd forget it had happened and carry on as normal, i had kept my gaurd up while he was there, even though i confess i did sleep with him (hangs head in shame)

After he left i cried myself to sleep and was woken an hour later by him ringing, he'd been trying to wake me for 45 minutes
he said he realised he wanted to be with me and we stood hugging and crying for 20 minutes then cuddled up on the sofa and were kissing then he said he wanted to make love to me and i let all my defenses fall, he swept me up in his arms and carried me to bed it was great and felt so good and right, he went home the next day and said he'd be back when DS1 came home from school by 8pm i text and said guess you got too busy, when are you seeing kids (asked this as i was left quite confused about where i stood and thought he was blowing me off) he replied by saying he got caught up but was on way round but i was right it was tyoo late so he'd go home, i told him it was too late for DC but as for me that was his decision....he came round, i thought we were back on and was happy to let him in but then after just chatting and watchin tv for 3 hours (no physical contact) he said he was still confused and just wanted to be my friend, i asked why he had came back the night before as i thought that meant he wanted to try again and i let my defenses down and he just said he didnt know and was sorry

now im in a state and so depressed and am dreading him seeing DC today i just dont want anything to do with him or be anywhere near him, i truly dont know what im going to do :( i hope i can get the dongle as i really need some support right now

take care everyone and hopefully i'll be back later

Hey Sov
I know how you feel - doubly let down. For a week after I finally moved out xp came round for meals, we talked like we hadn't done in months - he swore his love for me and resolved to sort out any issues. He also swore there was no other woman in his life and we had the loving sessions as well.

Then, just like that - he changed his mind - said he was just testing to see if he did feel anything for me..and he felt nothing.

If I hadn't had that week of seeing the man he USED to be - I think I would have coped much better with moving out.

I try to be very rational and philosophical about his behaviour in this week (which was cruel and manipulative) and I overcame it by a) realising that some men NEED to reclaim their woman usually by bedding her.

b)and realising "It's NOT about YOU" (from Divorce Doctor book) When xp behaved like this towards me - he was thinking purely about himself. I did not figure in his thoughts. He was not wondering or caring about the impact of his behaviour on me. nor was he doing it to get back at me - he was attending to his own wants and needs.

It was only when I looked at it like that (and his subsequent admission of being in love with someone else) that I was able to let go of some of the awful pain I was feeling at being abandoned by him twice.

I know how you feel - and I am hoping that the pain you feel now will subside a bit.

Kate and Sov . What nasty guys these men are. Why is it always about them?

Ladies, you are better off with us dumplings.

Get ready to

Sometimes I feel so old

Grab the kids (unless they are teenagers)

Sov thats so hard to take and Kate is right he was just trying out coming back for size and decided it wasnt for him. I think thats unspeakable but sadly Kate is also right in that he wont have given any though to how that would mess with your head. Worse still is that having done that to you he wanders back from whence he came without a care to you having 4 very young dc to look after feeling devastated.

No one can tell you what to do because all of us have to come off this site and actually live our lives. For me though after reading your last post I think you have to go through the pain and misery and know you will come out stronger and not let him anywhere near you again other than in the context of dcs Dad. I dont really get the being friends thing , to me when you have shared that depth of emotion and love for someone how do you then be friends ? It sounds like he just wants you on side and to continue to allow his casual / when he feels like it approach to his dc. In your shoes I would get through Christmas and in the New Year mentally draw up some boundaries and start being a lot firmer with him as I think he takes the piss.

I understand how you want your dc to be part of his life and him to visit etc but at some point for me I would think enough either step up and adhere to some structure that he respects and sticks to or go away until you can.

I hope you can get online later I will be around and I am sure the others will have lots of good advice. Keep going you are going to be ok.

Kate I found the Divorce Doctor book invaluable in the early days lots of really good advice. Your ex sounds priceless which makes the current situation with him being turned down by his colleague even more satisfying [bitch emoticon]. I dont know if you have posted about this and you sound very savvy but have you seen a solicitor about claims on your previous home ? I went with an unmarried friend to her solicitor and was shocked at how few rights she had even after 22 years and 3 dc. Any guilt your ex may be feeling atm will need to be tapped into as the law may not protect you and as time goes on as we all know history gets rewritten and he will be less inclined to behave honourably.

I am ok had a mini sob with my friend earlier and she was great. I think for me all the years of being a SAHM, looking after xh and being very much a homemaker means that now our home is going to go sort of makes a mockery of these years. Atm I wonder if I had my time again I would follow a career and not be such a home bird

Anyway ladies promise I wont bore you too much more with moaning about my house

On the plus side I passed my exel exam -hooray ! Citydoll I imagine its at a level that you would eat for breakfast if you are in finance in the city..Ah I just got your name . But for little old Getting its a triumph

Congrats Getting - I mean't to say earlier also that I too was thinking about your Cornwall achievements the other day and thinking that you would certainly get an award for that in the Xmas 2010 Dumpling Awards Ceremony.

ok very jealous of ur party nite ,i cant join in as dongle not fast enough x

SOV dont beat yourself up i did this from Easter to July [if you remember he said he was sobering up at his pals ,too confused ,didnt want to upset the calm home i had created ,turned out he was living next to the pub,basically a lot of shite]Anyway actions will always speak louder than words,
only recently i really have been able to seriosly say i wouldnt want to sleep with him,feel his arms round me etc,took me a long time .That is why he is so angry ATM he has lost the power that he had over me.This week i still felt low re OW whether its emotional or sexual not important ,he def has formed a relationship of some sort with a 21yo ,eventually my heart said ENOUGH ,why would i want to be with someone that wants to hurt me.My hairdresser said today "Dont you just see him and hate him"I said NO he is my husband .I guess i just feel hurt inside and grief for my little family.I certainly dont hate him.He is a bloke that makes me cry and has put me thru the most horrific pain imaginable and now is attacvking me about my looks etc.I dont need it but who does LOL?My hairdresser couldnt believe he hadnt mentioned xmas or given me any money.Her words ,"He is just a prick"

Anyway SOV look after urself IME once they get a taste of the single life and feel thy have gotten away with it ,they aint ever changing their lifestyle ,they put dope and drink and chillin infront of their babies ,just a bunch of wankers.

Big hugs LC Glad u got some support from ILs,one day at a time and all that ,just remember this is ALL ABOUT THEIR DYSFUNCTION NOTHING ABOUT YOU!!!!Lots of walks and cuddles from Wallace tis SHITE but THIS TOO SHALL PASS !!!!

Waves to LC and Patience. Patience, it is 4.13, please find internet access. Fun cannot happen without you (although friend trying to get me to go out (eek)).

Advice please - shall I rent a piano for myself for three months? I am DJHappy after all?

I know the words on this aren't totally right but it is a celebratory song that make me feel good aboout BE . I'm in the groove now and probably in danger of peaking before you've all given the toddlers dinner. Oh pooey poo.