All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

nice one happy where will we go ?
ok away to watch to kill a mockingbird x

hahaha! Patience you crack me up. Been there a bit this year - felt great at the time but the heartbreak afterwards was awful! Don't do it hahaha - still chuckling at that one...
That's three of us then - woo hoo Happy!

I'll be spending the weekend in a museum and perhaps a library, as I won't be on the pull. Patience, you'd better go to Blackpool or the Bigg Market in Newcastle with that motto - haha! :)

Citydoll, glad you're ok ((Hugs))

Getting, having to leave your home is shite! Will be sending you lots of positive vibes that you find a beautiful new home. ((Hugs))

Patience, I'm sure you'll find someone else to accompany you on your mission

Maybee, ouch that sounds v frustrating about the work/childminder/van situation!! ((Hugs))

Goo, more you say about your x boyfriend the more it sounds like you are better off without him. You doing all the driving every weekend!!

Cloud, glad you're starting to feel proud

Tea, hope you had a lovely night out .

Well really should be working on assignments but decided life is short so opted for a s**g instead lol !

ok i think i am in love with the main character in the film,he is everything i am looking for in a man so will go to bed visualising.If you havent seen the film definately highly recommended.Ultimately i was meant to watch that film at this exact time in my life,if anything my next relationship will be with a thinker ,not someone that still drags his knuckles along the floor,very excited re prospect of new man ,obviously i never go out anyway so meeting in pub /club not really an option ,thats more after we have met, quick drink then sex.Def need a plan although back burner bloke from weeks ago may tick some boxes ,need to find out more,might see him tomorrow if mega rapid thaw happens overnight ,But seeing as night out isnt very likely i will keep looking for intelligent ,well balanced,good looking single bloke ,i am not desperate but def now in a place to start talking to unattatched men.I will be confident and sexy with positive vibes for the first time in my life ,getting my hair cut friday,just need to get a grip on choc croissants and swiss roll.

Patience you sound like you've got it bad , I know what you mean though reading the original thread with all the talk of "divorced cock" made me realise its been a year now since I did the deed and it wasnt bothering me before but now I am thinking god will I ever do it again

Actually what resonated on there more was someone talking about how they had been so smug and complacent about the future and had always assumed they would be Mrs....How having a comfortable home, nice holidays and a secure financial future was taken for granted. Then when Mr... decides to go all that goes with him when you are a SAHM.

Being in this situation, reading so much stuff on MN and remembering all the articles I read about what happens to women in this position I am amazed at how blinkered and naive I was. The old cliche I never thought it would happen to me applies I suppose but in hindsight particularly given the way xh treated me why I wasnt better prepared for all this I dont know.

I am hoping that once the moving process is further down the line I will start to have a clearer vision of the future. The estate agent was giving me advice last week about choosing where to live etc and he said "You have no idea what the future holds for you atm" and thats true. Usually I would fill that space with lots of positive scenarios but atm I just feel anxious really.

I need to start setting some goals for myself and being more disciplined about it. Its this drifting and just sitting mindlessly watching TV every night or razzing about with friends that has got to stop. In the first few months after he left I was more focused reading , looking into courses and thinking about what to do with my life. Since the summer and sorting out finance/divorce and now the house I have just been existing really and been absorbed in all this emotion which I am not beating myself up about because its fair enough.

So for me 2011 is going to be about being more proactive on shaping my future rather than drifting along.

CV sorry you may have to move too, people say to me how lovely it will be to have somewhere thats just yours but interestingly none of them speak from experience and actually the responsibility frightens me a bit. I can well understand why you didnt join the thread in October 2009 (thats when my xh told me he didnt love me too)if you were trying to work things out it might have felt like you were jinxing it or something. Its hard being on your own with a baby but you sound really strong . Its nice you have a big family around too.

Starting glad all is well with you and things are still going strong with Norm

Mumfun I have enjoyed learning a bit more about your story from the first thread although I think your position has changed quite a bit ?

Lots of you have gone very quiet:

WQ hows it going with long distance man ?

LC how are you getting on now xp has moved out , I hope there havent been any more dramas with ow

Sov I know you cant post atm but am thinking of you and hoping your xh steps up to the plate a bit more with Christmas coming

Queencat hows things I hope you are getting some help

Romney how are you ? I know you are struggling with still loving your h so much its so hard

Pink I am missing your hilarious down to earth posts...come back !

The first load of people are coming to view the house this afternoon but I will be out the agent is taking them around as I couldnt bear it.

I am meant to taking my exel exam this afternoon but I am wondering if its a good idea with being so emotional atm. May postpone it.

Hope you enjoyed the party Tea, its expensive stuff though isnt it I think I bought a nutmeg grater or something

Waves to googoo, maybees,happy,cv and all lurking dumplings or wannabe dumplings

And citydoll x

Hello everyone, last night I thought I'd get down to some practicalities. I cant see a sol as we are snowed in so I went on the tax credits calculator and to my horror I will only get about 50% of my cc costs met. When I became a single parent to one dc 1st time round they paid nearly all my cc. This time I have 3 2 of them under 3. It actually may mean that it won't be worth my while working. I teach 3 days a week but my salary will not cover a move, a rented house, bills, food, etc for the 4 of us. X will pay maintenance but only has to fork out 25% of his salary. I thought it was a mistake but I did it twice. My job keeps me sane I don't want to give it up. Anyway I hate to post such a grim one first thing in the morning. It is another snowed in day today and all my kids are dressed already but I'm in my pjs. X is coming to help at 2pm so instead of him whisking the boys off to go sledging I am escaping as I need a break. There is a beautiful canal walk near me with a pub at the end so I'd love to go and sup Guinness and think. Its a country pub so no big deal to go alone.I also want to let him know in a calm way that he has left us in a helluva financial mess. I know there are people that are a lot worse off but at the same time I do face a money struggle ahead and i'm not materialistic.
Anyway I do feel kind of safe and secure being snowed - in its like the world has gone away.
Take care everyone.
x

Your post made me laugh Patience!

Getting, you know I know the house thing feels funny but it will all work out well for you. You are a strong fine Dumpling and as you take things one step at a time you will start to see the way to a lovely future in a new house. Have bought a new rug for my sitting room from TKMaxx that I will enjoy taking to my new house. Just amazing what you can buy there for a good price.

Starting, so good that you are able to retain your fabulosity through a good sh**. A good hug is pretty much all I can get atm but I love those.

On the meet up front Patience maybe it's best to gather up all of the definites and maybes and then see what location works best for that group.

Well trying hard to stay positive here although all is pretty rubbish clearly. Now have sick note to be off work although I don't really want to use it. But then having been at home for a couple of days now I'm starting to get used to it. Can't afford to do that though as need to keep job to support us all. And in reality the situation will be ongoing so have to finda way to work through it. BE left for good yesterday to go to Bumpkin. Feel so sad for kids and am surprised to feel slightly strange myself too. He will never again wander through the house house nosing through my things and I realize also that the bits he has left may as well just go in the bin. Cannot understand how he can quite literally drive in the opposite direction when things with DS are so bad. And he still seems to be behaving like he is just right about everything, head held high etc whilst just not being here to help. He just can't seem to see the gravity of the situation. Just amazing as when I talk with people in real life they are just in at all going on. Doc wants to put me on ADs as she says there are too many things to deal with but am not keen as have never felt they are for me. Meeting today to progress DS situation, need to talk to divorce solicitor who has done something we hadn't agreed , need to sort out DC clothing for funeral (DS2 seems to be regarding this as a fashion opportunity) and probably talk with BE again about how he plans to help/or not. Fed up also as DCs want BE tocome funeral which is feeling horrible to me although I know if he wants to come to pay his respects he should be allowedto do so. Just kind of feel that if I am there, upset at my own dads funeral it's not nice to see XH there who has left his own kids, looking over at me when I am upset. Feels very intrusive. Sorry for self indulgence.

X post, Maybee, when you do get to sol hopefully they can help you to work out finances and find a way to get you what you need. It would be horrid for you to have to stop work so I am sure there will be a way through it if you take it step by step.

Someone asked about Dumpling locations (can't remember who sorry). There are a number of us who are (vague emoticon) broadly around London. I can think of a few who are sort of north west of London (geography never my thing!) and a few who are sort of south west ish .

Have a good walk Maybee and find out excactly where you are financially ,i found this helped stop me worrying ,i agree keep working def helped me ,i had to get out the door early 7 days a week til August ,now i work mornings when the snow isnt here ,but it saved my mental health big time .Also at least you have the future of more money and a career when kids go to school ,so thats good.I had to sell stuff and change my path completely .i cant feel down or bitter .wtf can i do, its gone ,life as i know it is gone ,its about damage limitation now and me staying balanced for the kids ,the way i felt/acted monday/tuesday this week just showed me how much crap the wee ones had to deal with this year as Xs behaviour always stabbed me in the heart and ultimately dcs were living with a mother in emotional turmoil for a long time .All i could do and keep doing is whatever it takes to stay balanced .So Getting when you talk about drifting along ,i dont think you have been,i think you have been nourishing yourself and when you start to think ,too much telly etc is because you dont need to veg out anymore ,you are stronger,nothing wrong with telly junk food and buzzing about with friends .Good luck with exam,the house thing is v stressful ,emotional etc ,the run up to it was horrible ,so detatch as much as you can enjoy ur last christmas ,do a photo album like pink suggested,photos of every room.
All i know is i did not sink into a depression in my new flat,it has a positive vibe,much worse if X had stayed in the house and i had to go back to my old house ,but out of sight out of mind Getting,never imagined i would cope so well,so all i would say is make sure ur next home has a positive vibe.You will have a 3 bedroomed home with a garden and if you like something old ,go for it ,just think of all the workman you will get to meet LOL!Have the end point of your dream in your head ,then find the steps to get there,dont stop yourself ,you can have anything you like,no grumpy bastard to say no.I have freshly painted walls and new carpets and def has a good energy .Big hugs well done on the running BTW i always fancied a 10k .I might get davina mc coll s dvd for xmas.If we dwell on what Xs have got and we dont have ,ultimately we just get bitter ,put out a positive vibe and it will come back to you.I dont think ive got it bad Getting LOL! Its more of an awakening IYSWIM LOL,by Spring it will be nice to chat and meet new people and i am starting to see what i really want from a man and its going to be fun finding one that makes the grade.I have never had a relationship when i have been in such an "aware" place re dysfunctional behaviour ,will be nice to be able to spot the signs and RUN LIKE FUCK!!!!!

Happy good morning !!Ok i think a London weekend would be soooooo exciting .Def want a definate date on my calender ,would be something to really look forward to ,need a bit of excitement and ME time!
Thinking of you re plans ,i am lucky my kids are young enough i still get my own way re decisions [most of the time],but if BE does get to go ,make sure you dont see him .I doubt he would go Happy,too much effort ,my X isnt so much vindictive[unless a secret is uncovered] just seems to be able to detatch from it all and paint himself as innocent. Just a basic LAZY IMMATURE BASTARD[ analysis no longer required lol]Anyway now i can see him for who he is it makes it so much easier ,i have second guessed myself for years ,he told me it was my fault so often and still does ,i think i wobble when i am hurt ,i am more vunerable IYSWIM but when the dust settles each time it makes it so much easier to see he is a teenager in a 41 yo body,whereas i am a 39yo in a 25yo body lol!!!Anyway nothing like having a bit of loving to move you forwards or a bit of flirting so top of my to do list in 2011.

Haribo you are in the right place mate ,post away ,if i hadnt found this Lord knows what would have happened ,the good bit is you have survived 18mths ,big pat on the back for you and you have a beautiful 3yo boy ,they are so gorgeous at that age .Dont feel pressure Haribo, you are the leading lady in this film ,you can do whatever you like mate !!!Drink tea[i have the kettle on as i type ]eat cake, paint your nails ,the list is endless ,but dont beat urself up for any reason ,love ,nourish ,pamper and post !!!!

Yay Haribo, can you send me some sweeties?

Welcome aboard from a fellow 2009er!

Hello Ladies,
Hope you are all hanging in there and being strong.

I have had a couple of days of feeling really good and positive - now I know about the woman he is in love with (finally) I feel like a weight has been lifted.I hated feeling suspicious and paranoid - That is just not me all.

He told me a couple of days ago that he is prepared to give up the job he loves to be with her (they work in the same office) because when he made his move on her - she said she wasn't sure about being with him because of the implications at work..I wondered if she told him I had to be out of the house first...but I don't honestly know.

Anyway

Had to see him today as it was dc Xmas plays..went back to collect the girls stuff and told him (maintaining grace and dignity!)about seeing a solicitor on Monday - just to find out my rights as my name is not on the mortgage and I've moved out after 13 years.

Well, he was in bits, looked really ill - was quite angry with me...turns out - she doesn't want him after all and has told him today.

So, watch this space - not considering going back (and he's told me...he would have dumped me anyway..even if he hadn't fallen head over heels for this woman.)Strange that in Feb he was buying me lovely thoughtful Valentines gifts...she starts working with him in May and now he hasn't loved me for years!

Well, the girls and me are back in our home now and getting ready for tea. He's sat moping at home and BTW - even the cat has left him.

I havn't been able to eat for weeks...the divorce diet has made me lose a stone and half but came home after seeing him and ate a whole big pie!

I do actually feel a bit sorry for him. But you make your bed and all that.

I haven't read the thread today yet but yay Kate for dumpling power. What a prize fool he is and I'm so glad you're seeing the solicitor on Monday.

Once the kids are in bed I shall return and read today's posts properely, just sneaked on here briefly and saw Kate's post.

Kate , I wouldnt normally be so vehement but today in particular I would sacrifice my curly hair to have that scenario unfold before me you lucky lucky girl !!!!

What a face saving twunt to make out he would have left anyway , men.

Happy what can I say BE is going to have to answer to his conscience at some stage. I dont envy the funeral decision , do you care at this point if he sees you upset ? Really tough call

Patience yes once this house stuff is over I am going to get glamorous and fab and attract a gorgeous unattached guy.

In the meantime I am in my trackies, fleece with weird hair and red rimmed eyes where I lost it in my exel exam and blubbed wtf (Reiterates to Citydoll how fab you are doing going to work and functioning). I apologised to the lovely man who works there and wanted to say I got dumped and now me and my dc have to leave our home and people are there looking at it right now but decided against it

Anyway we are going to a lovely friends tonight to watch a DVD with the dc and I want to put this whole sorry saga of a day out of mind.

Yes I am definetly up for a weekend meet up and London would be perfect I will pm you Patiencex

Getting - I feel for you. Unfortunately, I work in the City and in the City, "Getting upset over a divorce is for wimps" (remember Wall Street and lunch being for wimps!), so I just have to fierce myself up and get on with it. Believe me, no man around a boardroom table wants to see me crying - I think they would all turn away in embarrassment if they knew how I have been treated.

What are these exel exams you are trying to sit?

Kate - please make sure that you get a solicitor's advice - I think it does not matter that your name is not on the mortgage if you are married but please check it out because the house should still be a marital asset. Also, if anyone is reading, XH's face turned a very sickly green when I told him that his mobile telephone was also a marital asset (which meant I could get whatever records I wanted!)and so were all his secret bank accounts (even though they were only in his sole name). So, as a general rule, if you are married and also if you have young dependants you do have a lot of rights , so please make sure you get the best legal advice you can afford.

I am an "expert" on "quickie divorces" by the way, 4 months from start to finish (my lawyer says that amongst all his clients, I hold the record - not something to boast about, I must admit. But I think the judges reviewing all my applications from decree nisi to consent order to decree absolute were probably on my side.

Thanks Happy for e-mailing the link to the pics from the last dumpling meet up. We do all look rather fab don't we?

I definitely won't be able to do a whole weekend thing though

Ahh well if anyone is every in Herts come round for a cuppa

Welcome Haribo to our fine group of ladies x

Still haven't caught up on the thread but I'm probably going to go next door tonight and relax with some tv I think, feeling a bit sad as a really cool woman's group I've gone to for many years has stopped without any warning. I understand why as numbers were dwindling but it's been so great, admittedly lately it hadn't been as good as it used to be but I'm feeling bereft tonight for some reason.

• Ever

oops typos

Thanks City
We were not married, but bought the house together. Didn't get my name put on at the time because I was at uni...didn't get it on after because I thought we were together for life.

But I will see what the solicitor says - Ex is very annoyed at the implication that I don't think he will be fair - and want to get my own advice.

I said I emphathise with his pain in the current situation but I'm now looking out for mine and kids future - something he didn't do.

evening everyone. Meant to be getting organised doing (ok starting) christmas shopping online but a glass of WW and have drifted this way instead...

Its this drifting and just sitting mindlessly watching TV every night or razzing about with friends that has got to stop

Getting : I could have written this.. especially the razzing about with friends... but I tell myself that there's no point forcing things before you feel ready -I mean if you look at everything that has happened to you since Oct 09 (as that's when mine left too) then that's enough to drain anyone so the friends, mindless TV thing is ok... until 2011 kicks in! The one step I have taken this week is to approach 2 primary schools to see if I can spend some time in their classrooms over the coming months as am interested in retraining as a teacher. Have stressful job in city too which I have always hated and, since I don't have H to hide behind now I am realising it really is all down to me to shape my future. Scary but also possibly exciting - although probably completely no workable financially but I can dream!

Kate-good on you. btw what is it with them and cats ? Mine comes round and asks way more about the cat than he asks about me... maybe 'how's the cat been'?' is actually 'I want to know how you are but I can't bring myself to ask you OR to hear your answer so I'l converse with you through this four legged animal' ? Also asks 'How's the house been ?' - nah don't bother yourself with asking how your wife who you left with 1 DD whilst pregnant is - as long as the cat and house are fine then everyone's happy. good.

Haribo - Know what you mean - depending on their actions denial can last a long time. It has taken me a good tear to get past that... was also explained to me like a spiral (not just a downward one tho!) -You think you are finished with one stage then whoompph you wake up one morning and it's like it happened all over again.. but 1 step forward 2 steps back an all that ...

Maybee - Can relate to snowy feeling. I loved it when it snowed here although I am sure nowhere near as much as you are. Felt like the world had a thick snowy duvet round it and we didn't have to face the world