All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Citydoll private message me if you want someone to talk to, I might not be much help but I do know what you are feeling, I too thought my DC would be well taken care of but my sister and a few close friends told me that he wasnt worth it and that your DC need you, who will they want to see them get married? what about your first grandchild?

I know its hard living each day but I can only hope that the days will get better and in a years time I wont be feeling so bad.

City doll i am emailing you ok i am on my own too this thread is my real life friends ,believe me we have all been through the curl up and die phase and that is not invalidating ur pain stay online and keep posting its early yet talk all you want NO MAN IS WORTH THIS !!!!!he is a bastard i know i married one too so did starting so did happy so did every other lady on here but you have to fight it city ,every bloody day ,keep fighting it dont lose ur fight ,we are your friends ,we care and like people have said RL people dont have a bloody clue ,WE DO !!!!So RANT and type til your fingers are sore !!!!Where are you anyway ,get on a plane and have a holiday in Scotland its fucking cold but really pretty

City I have been there, recently and many times over the past 7 years. I too have contacted friends to find they are not there. But that is just tonight. When you contact your friends again they will be there. And not many people have a fairytale run up to Christmas City. It's not just you. Millions of women are in your position (just look at lovely dumplings on here) and find Christmas a bit of a nightmare. I do. I have to give my kids to exh half way through Xmas day, then drive back to my mum's cos I haven't got a special person to celebrate with - he's buggered off cos he didn't want me or the kids. And that's not even the exh - HE doesn't want me but neither does the exbf who told me he loved me more than anyone in the world only two months ago! And your son does need you. You're his mum. Always will be. If you end it all, it will scar him for life. He's just out in the big wode exciting world for the first time that's all. But he'll come back to be with his rock (you) at Christmas. Hang in there. Please hang in there. Keep crying. It helps. And keep posting on here. This virtual community of friends, who don't want anything from me but to listen and ask for a bit of love back, has been invaluable for me this past two weeks.
CV much respect that you are getting counselling. I should have done that straight after my marriage breakup and I think that would have stopped me from having two very ill advised further relationship that have added to my heartache. And what you say is so right. I've often felt (especially with recent bf) that I wasn't appreciating the here and now with my boys because I was fretting over him. Don't beat yourself up about that. You are now healing and will be even wiser for this journey. And I too have come to the conclusion that there is no point in getting to the bottom of anything. I was wasting my energy thinking about what exh and then exbf were thinking, then realised that they sure as hll aren't thinking about me so why am I expending energy on them? That's very liberating. Keep going :)
Patience I've realised that my fella is such a shit that he feels no guilt whatsoever about anything he has done. That's because he is a low life and I am so much better than him to have a heart, feelings and a sense of decency. I feel powerful knowing that.

And romney hello! Thanks - you are helping me too. So sorry you had to cut someone from a tree. That's awful. You are a canny strong woman as we say up here. Love it when you pop in for a chat.
Love to all you ladies - I'm feeling very proud that I'm associated with you all on here. You are teaching me a lot and it's very humbling.

Sorry haven't read any posts except citydoll's as someone let me know you were feeling sucidal. City, this time last year both my brother and aunt committed sucide within quick succession. I went to a medium afterwards & she was able to give me enough details that I fully believe both are at peace now. HOWEVER the pain & devastation they caused by their actions is indescribable. Your ds is NOT sorted now. If you committed sucide HE will have to live with that for the rest of his days. I've seen two families destroyed this past 12mts & so many other people devastated by the loss of my aunt & brother. What you are feeling now WILL pass. You can get counselling & support for yourself & move on from this. For what it's worth I do not think you should have turned a blind eye to what your xh was doing. I considered this too in my own situation but it's not the answer. The only way you could continue on in those circumstances is by allowing a part of yourself to die & live a lie but there would be a terrible price to pay for living like this. Hang in there, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I went through the most horrific pain over what my xh did (as did most of us on this thread) but you will come out the other side. Your divorce happened v quickly so everything is still v raw for you. Allow yourself time to heal. I understand about feeling alone as a lot of people I thought were real friends abandoned me too in my hour of need but I have developed new friendships & have a great life today when I hardly give xh a second thought anymore. ((Hugs)). Please keep posting & you will get lots of support on her. Ring the samaritans, book a counselling session tomorrow, whatever is necessary to support yourself atm but do not entertain thoughts of sucide. It is not the answer.

See what gets me googoo is what CVs counsellor said ,i have learnt on here. That is why it is sooooo amazing ,someone will know the answer and someone will know a bastard just like the one that dumped us.Also by reading books recommended on here ,much of the knowledge is learned and passed on although we cant necessarily remember where it came from but so much of these stories repeat themselves over and over .To everyone" the pain does pass please believe me ",i had days when the horror of it all just ground me to a halt,i loved and trusted my husband with all my heart .The pain of realisation nearly killed me,the pain of finding out the man i thought he was basically wasnt who he was ,just a lying cheat .But THIS TOO SHALL PASS and we are here to support each other on their journey.

citydoll - I know we are not RL - but a lot of us feel the same and have felt the depths of despair. Just know that even though we can't reach out and hug you - we would love to.

I think a lot of women on here may not have people who are there for them in RL - I have been surprised at how little help I've got from my friends, but I'm sure that's because I always give out the 'I'm not needy and I'm so strong' vibe when inside I'm eaten up with pain. I've also got a grown up daughter who I wouldn't let know how bad I feel sometimes.

I really hope that things seem brighter for you tomorrow. We'll be here, whether they are or not.

Excellent post Starting. I have felt like citydoll and have managed to move forward sufficiently enough so that i dont feel like constantly wanting to end it all, so that this pain will go away, but as you say that is not the answer.

I think that most of the pain for most of us comes from feeling that the emotional life that we had with our exes was a lie and as patience says, that the man we loved wasn't who we thought he was. That has made me feel like such a failure. However, as someone said on here last week (you're right Patience, this group is like some kind of wonderful therapy), "you haven't failed, you WERE failed". Big difference. That has swaum round my brain this week, every time I've felt like shit.
And Kate - I also think not many people have loads of friends they can turn to when things like this happen. And people always think I'm strong too. And it's so good of you to tell City that we would all hug her if we could. I think we would all hug each other if we could. This may be a virtual friendship group but it's real because it's based on very real experiences and feelings.
Try and have a peaceful night all of you :)

over my spelling!

Goo, great you're feeling more positive.

Sov, like others have said, a lot of us on here gave our x's either 2nd or numerous chances. My own personal opinion is that when it's gone as far as it has with your xh' it's prob v unlikely that you will get a happy ending. ((Hugs))

Kate, you x sounds completely selfish & self centered! Fits right in with most of the x's on this thread!

Hugs to all. x

googoo Looking at the experiences on here - it's not surprising we have to adopt a strong attitude to life. We have to look after the kids,do the majority of work and organising and we still carry on when our partners simply start to detach because they think the grass is greener. By the time they deem to let us know that they are ready to move on - we've been putting on the strong act for a long time.

I have not cried in front of anyone apart from my Ex (and my girls - which I hate doing but I sometimes need them to behave or help me out and I get upset when I ask them) But in work people who know, just ask "You OK?" and of course I say "yeah, I'm fine"

In fact, I think that if one good thing comes out of this split - it will be that I will try to be a bit more open with my feelings

Can i also add that we are also a unique band of woman that know "roughly how much water one keyboard can cope with"

For anyone still analysing why you fell for the lies ,well firstly denial as in we dont want to believe our one true love is a complete pain inflicting wanker and secondly if the person you love and trust more than anyone else in the world starts to lie to you why would we think he is lying ,he afterall is the person we love and trust more than anyone elase in the world IYSWIM.I could con my parents out of a lot of money tomorrow or some friends because they all trust me and would help me ,difference is i wouldnt lie.Anyone that chooses to manipulate and lie is not someone i want to share my life with ,to accept that life as starting says is to let a part of you die,a first class example of this is my MIL she accepted the shite[took the punches for a life of gin and golf] ......i didnt.

First ever Dumpling thread
You will piss urself laughing at this really cheered me up when i found it ,i had googled what to do if you get ditched and found this.I thought im a fecking dumpling Chin up Tits out I can bloody well do this ,i was Maybees in thread two " mebbies aye mebbies no" ,quelle surprise it turned out mebbies no !!Anyway im not on this but arrive in second thread post boxing day split ,lol!

Enjoy xxx

This is so funny hope schools are still closed tomorrow or im in trouble , im only on nov 3rd '09 this is going to be a long night just the boost i needed btw sore tummy with laughing ,away to get more wotsits ,coke and chocolate swiss roll ,obviously thoughts of sex with someone other than my husband have re enterd my head ,thank fuck for that LOL x

ok away to bed now its a whole year ago ladies and very funny ,big hugs to everyone and keep posting Chin up Tits out !!! x

CityDoll, how are you this am? I have messaged you. I hope you got it. It's not the answer. Like Starting, this is all very close to home for me and it leaves behind huge huge sorrow. Things may seem awful now but believe me, you will start to feel better. What can you do today as an emotional step forward?

It's not just a virtual support though as we do do meet ups, usually one days but Patience is planning a weekend away this time.

One day I'll get round to reading the original threads, no idea when I arrived on here

I messaged citydoll a couple of times last night just before bed. Hope you're ok this morning lovely x

You ladies are so supportive, I think if I hadn't found this thread and got the support and how in time life will get better I would probably have done something stupid. I am still struggling daily but read all your great advice to everyone and it has given me hope. Citydoll hope you are ok today. Just keep coming here and listening to the lovely ladies who are further down the line than us!

Morn all......

Just checked in to see if there was any news from citydoll. Hope you're feeling more positive this morn.

Patience, I read the first & second thread a few mts back & it was such a laugh. Am of course slightly morto at my escapades lol . Will just put it down to a desperate need for distraction due to dealing with unbelievable crap from xh lol. Did the trick too lol............Often crosses my mind if someone I knew was reading thread . Actually I have a better excuse for my actions lol...........I was doing it for my dumpling sisters, just to prove there was life after separation lol.........

City doll phone or text me whenever you like remember "Nothing is a problem only a situation and we can move forwards out of situations "
Big hugs to you ,we can help take the pain away ,would never have believed it unless i had been there done it the, ladies on here have given me so much hope and strength and faith to make it thru ,always someone around to listen ,i promise you that! Just one tiny step at a time,keep fighting it x

I love the kids in the car for extra trifle story Startin i remember thinking oh ffs no fags i hope i dont get a fucking text from X or i will have to get kids out of bed to buy fags at the garage late oclock ,i probably did one time, cant remember.

still iced in here but kids back at school ,so all a bit xmas hols mode and lots of dawdling to this morning ,chocolate swiss roll for breakfast and cup of tea.

Ok Starting you are a bit of a genius at the whole 2010 slogan thing ,in thread 1, LOL!
So i will start for the New Year

"I'll shag six or seven in 2011"

nb purely for research into life after divorce

Citydoll I hope you are ok and that desperation has subsided a little today. Lots of great advice already so all I will say is your ds will always always need you. My dc are 11 and 14 and I was thinking the other day as I lit up yet another cig that my parents have been here so much for me through all this and will I be around if at 44 yo either of my dc have this journey to make. I am not sure if that makes sense.

Well I am afraid to say I am in bad shape today. I know its selling the house that is causing this. I feel like I am right back at the start of all this ie feeling anger and hatred and utter resentment towards xh for the way he behaved towards me for years and then having an EA and pissing off.

Feeling bitter that he gets to go off and lead his shiny new life with his shiny new family so he is having sex ,he does have someone to support him through all this and meanwhile I smooth over everything between him and the dc and never do anything to cause him a problem whereas right now I'd like to go and set fire to his fucking house with him in it.

I just feel so gutted that I have had a couple of weeks of feeling 100% detached and so positive about everything and now here I am again swilling around in the pit of self pity and rage

((hugs)) Getting, what goes around comes around my friend and won't always be great for him.

I find at certain times of the month my hormones play havoc with how I feel about everything. So I think I'm doing ok and then think hmmm maybe not and it always seems to follow that my period isn't far behind thos moments of despair, anger and everything else.

Your house is lovely and it is truly rubbish it's having to be sold. It is ok to feel angry about it all and the injustice. Try and ride the wave, you'll come out of this stronger in the end. It's just really crap right now.

Oops sorry typos

Getting I was exactly the same this week just thought ,you bastard ,completely unaware of all the bloody pain he has caused .I was so angry ,once again i was feeling the affects of his selfish behaviour emotionally after weeks of coming to terms with my new life.All i can say is it lifted quicker than i expected and i really feel moved forwards this time,still sad for my loss but ready to start moving on and accepting my situation.You dont want your X back,you just want some fun and not to lose ur home all totally normal ,but on reflection i think i had to give up some of my old stuff to move forwards on this journey and it really is a small price to pay for inner peace and contentment ,i see my old cottage everyday and ask it hows it doin, tell it ,it is much loved and missed and imagine myself sitting on the grass in the sun.But this flat is my step forward ,my name on the door ,my name on the bills ,LC was right it is empowering ,i have taken back control and he cant come thru the door unless i invite him.But feel ur rage ,exercise if you can and punch the crap out of something THIS TOO SHALL PASS big hugs and good luck house hunting x
ps can someone post Christine Aguilera Fighter again please my connection too slow for you tube x

Waves to City Doll ,give us a quick post when you can x