All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Very good WQ

up and running again

city - what you are feeling is all very normal and natural, we are all here for you.

thank you tea - was nervous as it was my first one

LC - I would find it very easy to become involved with my H again I sometimes think, as he is being so considerate to me about boundaries and supportive at the moment but luckily I never have a chance as he's still with the OW. He's someone I've known and been good friends with for many years and he knows me and I know him. It is sometimes easier for those of us whose H's cannot or will not end affairs as we have no choice but to move on. Also truth be told he doesn't love me anymore, heck he's away with the OW this week!

I can understand why you'd want to work this out, but I would encourage you to actually live separately for a while, for as long as it takes for you, not him, to get clarity about what you want. Because I think after everything you've been through some of your motivation for wanting to work things out maybe rather murky

The longer it takes the better really, because if he is really serious about changing and wanting to be the man you need him to be, then he will wait for you for years. As he should.

You will then see how real and true his intentions are, it's too easy when we're faced with the prospects of losing something to commit to new ways of behaving that are in fact unsustainable. I'm afraid I'm not convinced that your H can sustain anything for long and that he will hurt you again. Things have been totally mad lately in your world LC but I suspect it may be that when the dust has settled and you have some distance on it that you will see the relationship differently. Everything is clearer in retrospect.

It is comforting to be with our H/ partner and an old friend (if they're being nice and reasonable of course) and we also all want a stable father figure for our kids, but it is equally important that your son see's his mother being treated with love and respect, both by a partner and by herself.

I usually try to remain vaguely sitting on the fence on this thread if I can but I think LC you need some space to think right now. Hope you're ok with what I've said. It's said out of love as I care about all the dumplings on this thread We are like a little family. Sorry that sounds so cheesy!

Maybe Patience will have some top tips from her book for you too.

LC The "murky" reasons that Tea is possibly too polite to say, are that at least some of your feelings are possibly bound up with wanting to punish and hurt the OW - and "win" this very tarnished prize. If you do as tea suggests and insist he lives on his own, you will learn so much about what he really wants, from his actions. I'm going to have to be honest here and say I wouldn't even do that, because in your shoes I would never believe that this relationship wasn't ongoing even then.

Have a think and ask yourself have you ever had any truth volunteered, without you having to force it out? What possible reason could there be for truth, if you take him back? Why would he change that habit? You are no fool LC and he must therefore be a very convincing liar. That behaviour seems deeply ingrained and you and your son deserve people in your lives that love you enough to tell you the truth.

It's not about whether you still love him, you know. It's that he has never loved you enough to stop lying to you and hurting you. This is about his feelings and his character, not yours.

Tea - that was a brilliant post. Very true, still wished I had had the chance to find out the pit falls, I know you must all think I'm sad and I do appreciate your all a lot stronger than I am at the moment which is why it's so good to read such goods posts. I can see why LC wants to try though.

Good luck LC, your a strong intelligent woman, hope your weekend is a good one and you don't have to many troubles! You have given me such good advice when I was so low, I'm thinking of you.

WWIFN - thank you for such a brilliant post, really made me think about the motives I want my DH back. Thank you again, mumsnet has given me so much insight from all angles.

Just private messaged the new link to lots of people, as I was worried people more new to mumsnet wouldn't realise when it had reached 1000 posts the thread is full Or that the thread was full. But I see I was worrying for nothing.

WWIFN brilliant post. "It's not about whether you still love him, you know. It's that he has never loved you enough to stop lying to you and hurting you. This is about his feelings and his character, not yours" - So true

thought we might need a comedic interlude to make us smile.

Waves to all.....

Finding it hard to find time to keep up with thread atm as I've a lot going on.

WQ, sorry to hear about your dreams but you are sounding so so strong of late & think this is just your brain's way of processing it all & letting go. You can google interpretation of dreams & it can be v interesting.

Getting, hope settlement goes ok for you.

Rom, enjoy your trip away & it's normal to want your dh back at this early stage ((Hugs))

Citydoll, so sorry for what you are going through ((Hugs)). Keep posting & doing nice things for yourself. Hope you've got some good rl support also. It will get easier but it will be a slow journey so do anything that makes it a bit easier for you atm. Be really kind to yourself.

Patience, oh I am so so happy to see you back on thread & that new house seems to be working out well for you. Really glad to hear also that the book is helping you so much. You are a really strong woman & I think the house move will be like turning a corner for you. I think the worst is prob behind you now. Wishing you all the happiness you deserve in your new life & home((hugs))

LC, I think wwifn & Tea have really given good advice. I felt so sad for you when I read that you still loved him & wondered if you could still manage to sort thing out. I remember feeling exactly like this before I knew about infidelity but after loads of crap behaviour from xh. I did give xh a chance & think you need to do whatever feels right for you atm. In my case taking xh back only lasted a few wks but tbh it helped me to finally let go completely. I do agree that the prob in your case & indeed my own was that they never really were honest or devestated over the pain they'd caused US. He is still playing victim in all this & as long as that is the case I don't see any hope for your relationship. His behaviour has been really dismal & yet it seems like he has no consideration for all the pain he's caused you. I honestly don't see anything but more pain for you by continuing this relationship BUT I think we each have to make our own decisions on what's right for us & this is your life. ((Hugs))

Doris, hope Dr's apt has gone well for you ((Hugs))

Maybee, I went through hell & back but I am now so grateful that xh did nothing to try & resolve things as I now have a lovely peaceful life with my dc's free from drama, addiction, lies & pain etc. It will be hard going at times but you will come out of this so much happier & stronger. I got a lot of professional advice on how to handle things with dc's (as xh got v violent when I discovered the truth & dc's witnessed this), basically I was told to always give dc's an age appropriate version of the truth. Never lie but keep it v v simple. I kept life as normal as poss for my dc's, plenty of activities & playdates etc which really helped. Another great bit of advice I was given is that once dc's have one stable parent they will be fine((Hugs))

Waves to Tea, Happy, Mumfun, Pink, Sov & anyone else I'm forgetting.

Also just to prove there's life after Dumplinghood......................I am having the best sex I have ever in my life had with a pure gent

Starting very very of you.

Probably won't be about much tonight as the girls are over.

LC nothing to improve on the advice given really. All I will say is when I was wailing to a friend a few months in that I hadnt been given any second chances we then spoke of examples of people toing and froing trying to make an ended relationship continue and how is just prolongs the agony. I agree its a matter for you but the only thing I would say is what about your ds ? I echo Teas sentiment that I am now glad h left cleanly and reached his not coming back decision quickly because I am certain I would've succumbed but for all the wrong reasons

WQ you are absurdly upbeat somethings putting a spring in your posts ...

Feeling a bit more fabulous since haircut just need to stash a couple of stone somewhere and then be fully gorgeous !!

Rom have a fab time in Boston it will be nice to escape

Doris I hope your doctor was helpful, its a good step to feeling better

Starting lucky girl !!!

Waves to all back later

Ditto Starting

Ooo love to see a pic of the hair cut Getting!

Tea, that was a great post. You really do have a point about the ones that are with the OW. Mine isn't and I'm finding it all so difficult to understand. It's making it harder to move on.

I've been going out a fair bit which is good but on the last two occasions I have been chatted up by married men and they didn't even bother to try and hide it (not that that's ok either), but they just didn't care. Swines!

Tea you wouldnt be able to tell the difference honest ! [same hairstyle give or take 6cm for 30 years emoticon]

So much to think about right now. I need to let the dust settle a bit. Do you think it's ok to take my time to tell xp what I want but allow him to live here until I reach a decision? I think I know what it will be.

One thing is certain, I definitely feel motivated by the competition with ow and I now feel quite exhilarated to have "won". The competition seems far more important than the prize.

Also, I do feel truly disgusted by the behaviour of xp and ow. If I were giving advice to anyone in my position it would be exactly what you have all said above.

XPs plan to simply baton down the hatchs tell no one whats been going on not family friends or work and wait for it all to go away sounds like it has worked then. By a process of attrition he has worn you down LC

Actually you sound unlike yourself in that last post I hope you are ok and not going under.

We are here for you littlecritter

Hello everyone, thanks for the message tea and cakes. The wind is howling here i love it too. Sounds like chaos and that muddy sky over Glasgow with wee bits of blue just felt so right to me this afternoon. There are forces at work out there I can feel it!
LC I think having your xp around will inevitably weaken your resolve. A happy ending would be so lovely for you but I don't think these men ever change.
My xh is sleeping on the sofa again as he has nowhere to go literally. It was so peaceful without him for a few days and I now know for sure that I need to be single. He is on his best behaviour now and v contrite but I know that sustaining this over a lifetime would be unrealistic for him.
Startingover thanks for the advice.I actually left my x 7 yrs ago when our 1st baby was 1 as he was just going off the rails and smoking dope and not being responsible. When he left a lump on the kitchen floor I bit the bullet and ended our story. Actually I was fine then and coped living leanly I also made some great new friends and had got my act together v well, like you the peace of no drugs/lies was great. However he continued to see our son and gradually took on more responsibility. Then one day 2 yrs later he told me he would do anything to get us back and live as a family etc etc. Slowly but surely we got back together the deal was that i would not tolerate any drugs whatsoever. Believe it or not things seemed to go from strength to strength! That was 5 yrs ago and we had 2 more sons together. Give or take the odd argument I thought my family life was great until out of the blue on hols last month I discovered the affair (text on mobile phone) leading to me searching for his sim card that he hid which revealed a few joints and mari stems and a big credit card bill. My world collapsed in 1 fell swoop! So i'm slowly but surely accepting that he has betrayed me in so many ways and I have to continue without him. Ironically I can't regret giving him a 2nd chance as we have 3 boys now but I can't believe that he has blown it so spectacularly-ungrateful swine of a man. Also I didn't get back with him cos I needed him I just thought it might enhance our lives to be a family again. On the surface my x is v stable, holds down a good job etc only I have borne witness to his flakiness. It just pisses me off so much for our 8yr old. Anyway I will stop ranting as this is long.
I'm v tired this week so I will put on my nice pink Primark pjs and hit the sack with a book. I hope you are all managing to sleep and eat out there.
Big hugs to all you brave souls :)

Do you think it's ok to take my time to tell xp what I want but allow him to live here until I reach a decision?

Yes to the first part and no to the second imo

DS is awake and not settling, the girls all just left, so I probably won't post again tonight as he seems unhappy and has woken DD to boot

getting - lol at absurdly upbeat

shhhhhhh

starting - now don't go forgetting us with your hectic social life

......puts on serious hat......

LC - please please don't confuse the chase for the prize - you have won - but then there is no surprise there is there? from what you have said OW sounds like a prat tbh. You are the real winner anyway because you have integrity and spirit -she has botox and thigh high boots

take time to reflect but I think this needs to be done away from him - you have done more than your part here you know, let him move out, LET HIM FIGHT FOR YOU, please do not let him move back in without showing you how much you mean to him and if that means him standing naked outside your house with a rose between his arse cheeks then so be it - he needs to come to you

you are lovely you know, please remember this.

Gosh ..... so many of us off to read the rest

LC the thing with these bastards is they know they have ripped our insides out emotionally but they also know they are the ones with the arms that can hold us and make the pain go away ,that is the manipulation ,they know they have the power ,I watch others doing it to their partners ,thats how they get away with all their bastarding behaviour ,lord knows i fell for it a hundred times ,i wanted the safety of the 16yrs i had known,but why would i want to be with a man that lied and disrespected me,that isnt a fairytale ffs ,my husband should have wanted to care for me and 2dcs and share thr responsibility,he chose to hang around with a lot of middle aged divorced drinkers and now he is one .LC think of ur post when u spoke of the 2 tarts fighting ffs ,ur so out of his league ,he is lower than a snakes belly.I will never judge you because i wanted my X back so much,i thought i loved him but i was making him into someone that he isnt ,he is weak and i am strong ,i am flourishing ,he is disentegrating,i used to want to help him but after all the deceit i just think ur on ur own mate,i dont expect anything and im not dissapointed he is a self centred fucker, in the end being on my own will be better than being with a selfish lying bastard like my X.

hope you had a good time with the girls tea.

maybee - how i love our description of the sky, you have had a real time of it with your x haven't you ? and it is testament to your strength. sleep well

karman - don't you feel as though you look upon other people's relationships in a different light now? I have been chatted up by married men too - shithouses

rom - have a great time in boston

wwifn thank you so much for everything, you helped me so much back when i was armbow - sometimes i can even hear your words echoing in my head - you really really helped.

hope everyone else is ok too and keeping the dumpling spirit.

i had divorce workshop tonight - i can't quit e believe how well i a coping with all this - each time i go i realise how much Mn has helped. I LOVE YOU GUYS

hi patience - hope you are cool - good post.