The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

You are all so awesome. He knows fully how much he's hurt me I have cried and cried over this. He knows how much he means to me, god knows I've told him and showed him enough and given him my patience over all this even when he knew it was tearing me apart. I will keep my dignity if nothing else and when he comes from the bath tell him exactly what I've done to hold this together if he can't see it for himself as he seems to think I've done nothing.

then can we come up and kick his knob-sac into this throat?

Please tell him to leave Hallo, even if it's to give you both some space - he needs to see how serious this situation is. He wants the best of both worlds....

If a friendship is more important then you and your children being settled and happy then it is more then a friendship really.

You are worth so much more and one day he'll realise it. If he starts something long term with OW how will he ever trust her?

halloqueen - I've just been catching up on the thread today and am so sorry to read your latest one - but I'm not surprised tbh, as others have said.

Please do not let him threaten you like this. He is clearly so shocked that you are standing up for yourself that is is prepared to offer the ultimate threat to make you back down and 'comply' again. He has to cut all contact or leave now. It is ridiculous to suggest that anybody should be prepared to put up with anything less. He is 100% in the wrong and IMO has really shown his true colours now.

You need support in RL so please don't keep yourself in isolation over this any longer; call your family, friends, everyone who can offer support and tell them what he has done to your family. You are not at fault one little bit in this, it is all him, so please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed in telling people who can support you.

And obviously we are here too. I think you need to try to 'shift' your thinking on this now. It is no longer about trying to heal your relationship with H, it is about you protecting yourself and your DC from his shit and lies, and getting support from the people in RL that care about you and will help you through this. You will be ok x

I think he needs to feel the fear a bit to be honest. All the time you're showing how much he means to you, he can feel your relationship is a given, no matter what he does.

Like a toddler, he needs to be taught actions have consequences.

It's clear he doesn't realise how much damage he has done to your relationship, and seems to have no concept of how much work he needs to do to get things on track.

I think counselling would be a good idea actually.

Hallo - he simply cannot have you both - this is not what you signed up for and that is all you have to tell him.

I think the space idea is a good one - it might make him realise just how seriously you feel about this.

Sorry my dear to tell you this, but you do know its over don't you? You simply can't let him treat you like this. Its time to get angry and tell him to cock off. Its the only thing you can do now IMO, he is treating you with contempt when he should be begging for forgiveness. Perhaps in time he will get over the OW and come crawling back, but I suspect by then you will have long movede on. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. gOOD LUCK.

He's just not giving the right signals here. Nothing in his actions over the past 24 hours point to him feeling genuine remorse over what he's done and wanting to rebuild your relationship. He's turning it back to you which is cruel and unfair.

He cheated on you while you had a newborn at home - do you actually want this relationship? Can you get back from this to a point where you can trust him in future?
I would be kicking him out now and making it clear that you will seek legal advice at the earliest opportunity. Make it real to him what the consequences of him continuing this fantasy actually would be, it's not pretty.

If this is enough to shock him into reality, then you might have something to build on, and counselling may be a great option. I so feel for you, I know how utterly gut wrenching this is to go through.

Goodness, this all sounds a bit crazy. How are you coping with three children through all this? The plans you had in place last night seem to be a fantasy now.

Ulimatums coming thick and fast must have an impact on your DCs. Please think of them through this.

• Ultimatums

Blimey. This is one of the longest cock-kicking queues I've seen in a while!

/joins end of queue/

So sorry- have been in a (partly) similar situation. Can you get someone to take the kids and then you can have a proper talk? I told DH to leave and that he could come back to have a discussion in a couple of days. I wanted him to see exactly what life might be like on his own. It was a serious ultimatum and I did really mean it. He did take it very seriously and we were able to move on and repair our relationship.

It sounds like your husband is perhaps convincing himself that he is a good guy who has got into a mess. Maybe you need to stop being calm and accommodating because this enables him to feel he is setting a reasonable agenda. You have every right to lose your temper and yell and make demands. If he is concerned about letting OW down 'his way', this suggests he is more concerned about his own self-image and vanity than about facing the responsibility for a monumental fuck-up. He really needs to own up to himself the the full enormity of what he has done.

I really hope you can get the solution that you want whatever that may be.

Oh lovie .

My advice is stop waiting for him to make his decision. You need to start thinking about what you want.

Do you want this marriage to work and will take anything for him to stay?

What is the deal breaker?

What does he have to do for you to say he can stay?

Is there anything at all that will make you kick him out?

ATM he thinks he is the wronged party and you are a cow that is spoiling his fun.

If you don't tell him that it stops now or it is over and mean it he will carry on doing what he wants and I suspect it will get physical with this woman or he will do it with someone else.

Someone mentioned he needs to feel the fear. Let me tell you, the fear of the reality of you using your family works when you still love your other half and want to be with them.

Good luck, stay strong, you are doing well but you need to start standing up to him.

This is not good and sorry but this is not the actions of a man in an EA. This looks like a full-blown affair to me and he's mroe than likely slept with her, OP. He sounds in too deep with OW for it to be EA.

Sorry.

You both need some space. Can you ask him to leave to give you both some breathing room.

He is not commited to you and staying in the house is not going to change that. He's twisting the reality of what has happened and has cast you as the bad person. He is the bad person here. OW is irrelevant.

Up to 5am in the internet? Porn I assume or online sex cam or similar. That's quite an avoidance stratey at dealing with the situation and making reparations with you. I guess he feels he owes you nothing. Now in the bath? Where else can he hide?

I too think this is more than an emotional affair. Does anyone seriously believe a man would risk losing his wife and kids over a friendship with another woman? He sounds to me like he is having a full affair and thinks he is in love with her.

This has been sold to you as nothing major, hence your unexpected tolerance to his stories and plans to meet her for a goodbye. If it was no bid deal he would have ended it yesterday over the phone, then grovelled all night, brought you breakfast in bed and arranged childcare to be alone with you to talk. He did none of that.

He has to be told to go. Its the only way to bring this to a head.

Say what you like about your OH Hallo but at least he's clean

What an absolute shit that man is.

As longtalljosie said, he needs to feel the fear. He needs to understand the very serious repercussions of his actions.

Hallo if you knew for a fact that this was a physical affair, that he was shagging it, would that make your reaction any different? Would you treat him any differently? Would he be out on his arse by now?

It doesn't matter really, whether it is emotional or physical, the reality is that he has moved his commitment from you to her.

Hmmmmm - well for a lot of this thread I was thinking that it did sound like your dh was trying to move on. Right up to the point when he said you had no right to make demands and then I too joined the cock-kicking queue! Of course you can make demands - you're his wife!

The only way you're going to make this work is with whole-hearted commitment from both of you. I think you both need some space and then to talk - maybe with a third party? He can use that space however he likes but when he comes back to talk he needs to be free of this entanglement one way or the other - and yes I think he probably has slept with her.

Kick him out. RIGHT NOW.

Anything could happen long-term, it seems - but now is the point at which you have to ROAR.

You're not confrontational? Perhaps that might be just a tiny part of the problem, in that he thinks (perhaps even subconsciously) that he is the shot-caller in your relationship.

Normal service is OVER. Call family, friends, start to raise hell, and KICK HIM OUT.

He can only maintain the fiction that you are -somehow! - the problem here if you let him, by keeping it between the two of you. Expose it, let him be exposed to the shock of the reaction of family and friends. And let him know that you WON'T TAKE ANY CRAP. He wants to throw around the threat that he might leave you if you don't indulge his INFIDELITY?? Ok...

OUT YOU GO THEN!!!

Im livid for you OP. And with many others I fear that he has had a physical relationship with her. From personal experience I know how devastating this is and am so sorry.

The whole problem is he hasnt been giving to your relationship. And did you know after the birth of a child is one of the commonest times for a man to have an affair -the attention is all away from them. Its then that they should be hugely opting in and helping as much as they can , not going elsewhere for attention!

He need to cut all contact with OW or go and live elsewhere. He needs to have counselling to understand how he betrayed you and your family.

Please get support from family and friends. You need people on your side now. Horrible as it seems he is not on your side any more- he has emotionally totally distanced from you. Its so awful but you have to be realistic. At the moment focus on looking after you and your children and getting through the days. And stay on here for the support as it is a godsend.

You do need to get RL support too.

He has a huge advantage if you are keeping this to yourself out of shame.

You should not feel shameful for his actions.

He needs his fantasy bubble burst immediately.

Lurked for this whole thread...enough already Hallo...time to let him go and for him to do whatever he wants...he's now taking the piss big time.

Who the flip made him God...behaving soooo arrogantly when he's the one who created this mess?!

Next, he'll say he loves you both and it's so unfair making him choose!