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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The next 12 hours

535 replies

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 12:24

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

OP posts:
Gonesouth · 12/11/2010 18:27

He's gone out for drinks with friends? so your planned dinner alone is cancelled?

He's quite an actor if he is able to continue as normal. Are your friends aware of any of this?

Its time for you to stop looking for the man you thought you had married, take legal advice, get to the truth of the affair and surround yourself with people who care.

MooMooFarm · 12/11/2010 18:28

So now you have the house to yourself? Gather his clothes together into a bag, with any other important stuff he might want to grovel back to get, and put it in the porch/front garden/wherever. Text him to say that you have gathered enough stuff for him to go somewhere else for a few days because you need space from him. And that you are seeking legal advice about where to go from here.

Don't let him do this to you anymore. He is definitely, definitely not on your side. Contact any friends & family (you mentioned your mum?) and get them round if they will come. You need to be supported; the reality is that you have a new baby to look after and not only has your husband been having an affair, but he's now giving you emotional abuse to keep you in your place.

Keep strong x x

DandyLioness · 12/11/2010 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MooMooFarm · 12/11/2010 18:31

And ps - are they your friends too? WTF is his logic of going out for drinks with your friends when his whole fecking life is about to fall apart? I'm seriously starting to wonder about his mental state now?

perfumedlife · 12/11/2010 18:32

Duly noted wwifn. You are lovely you know that? Smile

Hallo he is going out tonight and coming back to a nice warm bath and his own comfy bed. Angry Well no, you should text him and tell him to collect his bags, he has to start seeing some consequences of his actions, starting now!

He is not the nice guy you married, he is now a cheat and a liar and is putting his desires before you and the kids. Tell him to get the hell out, and you will talk to him when you decide to. Then call your mum and get her to come over, you need support.

tethersend · 12/11/2010 18:40

Ring the friends to see if he is out with them.

FakePlasticTrees · 12/11/2010 18:40

MooMooFarm talks sense - please do this. Do you have a bolt on your door so that he can't open it from the outside? In which case, i'd do that too.

If he spends tomorrow and sunday begging you to take him back, he is commited to your marriage, if he doesn't, no matter what he later says, he's already decided it's over as a loving relationship.

Briar · 12/11/2010 18:45

What a nasty, cruel man!

MooMooFarm gives good advice...this is what I would be doing right now if I were you.

..and this is emotional abuse you know. Sad

PuppyMonkey · 12/11/2010 18:46

Have been lurking here and... Words fail me!

One thing I don't understand, I thought you said last night you'd arranged to have tonight to talk without the kids. Where did the drinks with friends suddenly come from??

Gonesouth · 12/11/2010 18:51

Perhaps you would be better to let your parents know what is happening so that they can at least help to manage the fall out with the DCs. And as you are still Bfing your baby, you might be better to have them all with you, just for the comfort of having them around.

They will be aware that something is not quite right. Being on your own is not the best way to get through these kinds of traumas.

phipps · 12/11/2010 18:55

Bloody hell ShockAngrySadAngryAngry.

Come on HQueen. Enough now. He does not care enough about you. He is fucking her, fucking up your life, and does not give a shit about the kids. AngryAngry.

You can't fight for a marriage alone.

Are you planning on meeting up with them later?

Northernlurker · 12/11/2010 19:02

If I was going through this and my husband told me he wasn't sure about our relationship and then went out for drinks with friends I would suddenly be very, very sure - and would kick his sorry backside all the way back to his mothers - who would then adminster the same!

Longtalljosie · 12/11/2010 19:04

I think tethersend's on to something Sad

tb · 12/11/2010 19:05

How come the moron is blaming you? You weren't the one to renege on your marriage vows.

He doesn't seem to know what he wants, except to put you in the wrong, with no justification whatsoever.

I would even go so far as to wonder who he is actually having drinks with this evening. Sorry, don't want to cause you more upset. He could be either texting, talking by phone to ow, or with her telling her that 'nasty wifey doesn't understand me' and all the rest of the self-justifying bullshit.

I would strongly suggest that you put it to him that he spends his days off deciding if he is sufficiently grown up to stand by his word ie the promises he made you when you married, or if he still wants to play with his toys, and not to come back until he has decided he is a grown up.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but he's not playing according to the rules in any way.

However, there's nothing in the rules that says you can't get an extremely attractive, young, male personal trainer, and to book him just before (d)h comes home in the evening. Be something to look forward to anyway. Grin

Ormirian · 12/11/2010 19:05

"told me my expectations are unrealistic"

Unrealistic? How? He is your husband!

Twat!

So sorry halo Sad

phipps · 12/11/2010 19:06

He is with her, isn't he?

AntonDuBurk · 12/11/2010 19:11

Honestly, I don't think it matters where he is. He isn't home, working for his marriage. That's the killer point.

Hallo, call your Mum. Cuddle your baby. And get your H out of the house to give you both some proper thinking space.

HappyWoman · 12/11/2010 19:21

Hallo - he is a twat
hope you go and meet the friends too.

He is doing the classic and making it all to be your fault now.

You will be better soon - dont fight all the emotions it wil wear you down.

Get some help - you are not stupid or weak for doing this and really look after yourself right now.

Unfortuately he has her to turn too - you make sure you get some help for you now too. and dont worry about how he feels about it either.

Good luck.

Halloqueen · 12/11/2010 19:23

I've spoken to my mum briefly and she's all for me going there for the weekend while I decide how to handle this. It's a friends birthday we said we'd pop in for a quick one on the way to dinner is all, make the most of the night. He said he planned to still do that so I assume he has. If I go to my parents I probably won't get much chance to update again tonight so thank you all again.

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 12/11/2010 19:28

Look after yourself Hallo and be honest with your mum. Get some perspective from someone who knows the two of you.

Thinking of you Sad

phipps · 12/11/2010 19:28

Take care.

perfumedlife · 12/11/2010 19:30

Can't your mum come to you Hallo? It just seems easier on you and the kids to stay in familiar surroundings, aswell as taking control of the situation from now on, at HQ. I honestly would not let him back in tonight.

Whatever you do, know that we all support you from here and wish you well. I admire the way you are coping, it is hellish enough never mind with such young kids.

lucky1979 · 12/11/2010 19:34

He's an absolute cockweasel.
Get your mum to bring the DC back to you and stay over. Don't reliquish access to the house right now.

Please don't sit there thinking "he wouldn't stop me from coming back in" or "he wouldn't fuck me over finacially" or "he wouldnt bring the OW back to my house if I'm not in it". Because he has already fucked you over completely and he will continue to do so. It may be a temporary abberation and when he removes his head from his arse he will be back, but you need to protect yourself.

:(

DandyLioness · 12/11/2010 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasMooningArse · 12/11/2010 19:36

Good luck Hallo. Keep being strong, you deserve so much better.

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