The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

What do you think you are going to gain from telling him what you have done to hold things together?

He doesn't care what you have done.

All he cares is about texting her, emailing her and hiding from you for hours in the bath.

He will just see this as more of your getting at him.

Stop telling him what you think you have done in the hopes of getting some respect & love.

Demand that respect and tell him to go if he doesn't give it.

Have lurked so far

he is shagging her

and he despises you

there is nothing here to hang onto

I am sorry

Sadly I think AF is right.

Hallo

I can only now suggest you seek legal advice as well asap as well as Relate counselling solely for your own self. You certainly now need real life support.

I would also suggest you read "Not Just Friends" written by Shirley Glass.

Hallo, i'm more of a lurker than a poster, but have followed your thread yesterday and today, and i am so utterly disgusted at the way your dh has behaved that i just had to post

You have had lots of very wise advice from all of the other lovely mumsnetters but i just wanted to add, that although you may feel like you are doing what you can to 'keep him' it sounds like he has already 'left the building', not physically yet (although i fear he will go to her eventually if left to his own devices) but mentally

His actions are not those of a loving husband and father, and your calm reasoning with him, is not going to suddenly make him snap out of it. Trying to reason with him is not going to work. Save yourself the emotional trauma of trying to win him over, ask him to leave, and let him do the running to prove his worth to you. It is in no way your responibility to prove you are worthy of him, you have done absolutely nothing wrong in all of this and him trying to paint you as the bad guy is him deflecting. It is always easier to think badly of other than of oneself....And he has every reason to feel like a grade A shit.

I really do feel for you and hope you find the strenght to rip this metaphorical plaster off quickly. Doing it the slow way, is always so much more painful and just prolongs the agony.

Take good care of youself

So angry and upset for you I had to post again - I hardly ever post!

It does sound like a full affair, almost certainly.

Please get some good RL support now - you can't handle this alone.

You MUST stick up for youself by kicking him out now, or you'll regret it, I'm sure. Even if you plan absolutely on trying to sort it out and make it work no matter what he's been up to, you MUST get angry and make him leave, NOW, TONIGHT - otherwise he will think that this situation can be all on his terms. And you will never get what you want!

Time to ROAR

Good luck, you have lots and lots of people here to support you. So sorry that this is happening x

Another lurker jumping in to say, actually, he's taking you for granted. I agree you need to tell him he gets to have one woman in his life, so he ends (completely ends!) his relationship with her, or ends his relationship with you. he has until 9pm tonight. if he's not decided by then, you'll assume he's picking her so will be expecting him to leave.

BTW - the OW, esp if the relationship isn't physical yet, might get the shock of her life to find him on her doorstep. There's no reason to assume she actually wants a serious relationship with him. At the moment, it's all romantic and star crossed lovers, but a middle aged bloke rocking up on her doorstep with a badly packed suitcase will probably give her the scare of her life. That or he'll spend the night in the nearest Travelodge feeling sorry for himself.

oh, and sod telling him what you've done. You aren't the one having the affair. It shouldn't be you convincing him to pick you, it should be him convincing you that you wouldn't be better off single.

Likewise I think this is a full-blown affair. It is also evident that his respect for you has gone. His head is so far up his arse, that there's little point reasoning with him.

I expect the OW cancelled last night - not him. He has no doubt been texting her in the bath and sending messages to her on the PC in the middle of the night. All his behaviour screams avoidance from answering any questions or having any dialogue.

Absolutely the only way to restore his respect for you is to call time on him. But while he is still physically present in that house, I would be interrogating that phone for all its worth. I bet you can guess the password and it speaks volumes that it is unknown to you. I'd get on that PC or laptop and check the history too. I'd search briefcases, cars and anywhere you wouldn't normally access. PerfumedLife is right; knowledge is power and my God woman, you need to get your anger working for you.

It is without doubt that you haven't been told the full story here.

You asking him to leave is the only way forward.

It doesn't mean there is no hope for reconciliation (ever) but you need to take some control rather than continuing to be so loving/understanding while he's calling the shots and dipping in and out mentally and emotionally. In his eyes you will look like a mug and desperate to hold on to him by any means possible.

He is being really cruel to you.

Let us know how you are OP

Get legal advice and phone a friend

hi hallo - just catching up with the thread - you are getting so much support on here - please listen to these wise women, so many of them will have been in this situation (i went through this with mn's help and it was only when is tarted to take the advice and act on it that things started to improve)

i wish you all the very best, i really do.

pack him a bag and tell him to piss off to hers.

started not tarted

Ask him to leave to give you some space; with all you have on your plate his sulky presence is an added stress you do not need (spoken by someone who thought that a kind understanding approach to errant exP was the way to build a better relationship; it wasn't, he left and looking back I could have done without a good few months of hell; know he probably did not respect me much in the end).

Take care and put yourself and DC first.

All posters on this thread. Just a note of concern, for the right motives...

Long-time Mumsnetters might remember a similar thread last year from a poster called Fading Away/Boilerwoman. Posters were so concerned over a period of weeks and numerous threads, that other threads from posters in distress were ignored.

I have just seen a post on the Dumplings thread from a woman who is self-harming. I've got no experience of that, but some of you might - and I'd hate to see that getting ignored because of the completely understandable wish to post on this fast-moving thread, to our OP who is also in genuine distress.

I hope you don't mind me raising this as a concern. I just remember how threads like this can be hugely diverting and I still worry about the posts that were not replied to when the Boilerwoman crisis was at its peak.

He said he won't cut contact. That it's not fair. That he thought he wanted to save this. That now he's not sure it's worth saving. Why?? Because I got angry, I cried, (kids are at my parents as this was meant to be night out for us) I told him he had to cut contact now and can't have both of us. Of course this isn't the first time I've been angry and cried only before he was upset and sorry and said he realised the mess he'd made and let us try to rebuild. Now, he's shot down everything he's said over the last few days and told me my expectations are unrealistic. For someone who always cared so much about my feelings and hated to see me cry they dont seem to mean much to him right now. He's gone out to meet up with friends we were seeing for drinks. I have to go sort myself out a bit, I should be calling my mum I think and maybe go see her. Everyone has been so lovely here I really appreciate your support.

thank you WWIFN

Hallo.. I'm so sorry he's being such a knob.

I have been in your almost identical situation, right down to the 'final meeting' and the only thing that really did get him to face up to the consequences of what he was doing was to say enough is enough, you have to go now.

Up until that point I was like you, very non-confrontational, reasonable etc (I think some of the posters in this thread wanted to bash me over the head in my thread!)

I did tell him to leave, got all his stuff in boxes ready for a courier to come collect them and within 2 days of that he realised what he was throwing away and came home.

It wasn't plain sailing, we were both very fragile for a while and there were some hiccups along the way because OW wouldn't accept it was over. She was horrible to me and fabricated emails from him which she then 'forwarded' on to me. Because by that point I had access to all his email accounts including his work one I knew it was fake and that was a turning point for us...

Things haven't been easy because we've not had the time to spend on 'us' wrt to counselling etc due to outside issues but we are getting there.

I think it was him getting the shock of me finally taking control and saying bugger off that did it tho.

Whatever you do.. I wish you the very very best xxx

What a complete fucker. Please PLEASE ask him to leave Hallo. Take back some control.

Wwifn of course I dont mind. I hate to think other threads are being overlooked.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you have to find strength from somewhere. You need to take control of the situation. Control what's gunna happen to you. Kick him out. Tell people what he has done and make no excuses for him. You will be fine. He is just a man, you are a woman and a mother and can cope with far worse than this situation. It's your time now. I don't think he's expecting you to retaliate. Make the 1st move. If (and it's a big if) you decide to try and wok things out in a few months, space and time between you will help. But I bet your better off without him. Does the ow know he's married with kids? Ok when this happened to me I e-mailed my husbands ow and nicely said you don't know me, so I don't hate you at all. But I want you to know that we exist, and as a woman, am asking you to back off so my husband and I can sort out this mess sorta thing. He went mad at the time (same no right to interfear convo actually) but I just made the point that it's his name we share an my marriage he's fucking up so have every right to do what I want. It also let me see what type of woman she was. Good luck. Be strong xxxx

Yes do phone your mother and explain what you are going through. Then decide if best for you to go to your mother's or in fact ask her to bring back the DCs and stay with you.