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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The next 12 hours

535 replies

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 12:24

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

OP posts:
tb · 12/11/2010 19:37

Sorry, but he just doesn't seem to understand, does he?

DandyLioness · 12/11/2010 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife · 12/11/2010 19:42

Dandy that's exactly how I see it too. Sad

He is happy for you to call time, throw him out. Then he can paint you as the bad guy, the one who ended it over a friendship. But it is so much worse than that.

I would definatly stay in your own home, he needs to be told his new life starts tonight, where ever that is, but not at home.

SantasMooningArse · 12/11/2010 19:43

TBH sounds to me like the kind of idiot who'll be back in six months when the noverlty wears off.

Make sure you are not available for him.

Tolalola · 12/11/2010 19:58

Haven't posted before as everyone else has had such brilliant advice, but I've been reading and worrying for you, Hallow.

Please, please don't leave your house. Get your mum or a friend to come to you. He needs to be the one who goes. Stay where you are and get someone to come over and help you start packing his things.

Lemonstartree · 12/11/2010 20:03

HalloQ - Im where your husband is now (emotionally) the difference is IM SINGLE (and so is my proposed partner)

This is NOT OK.

pack his stuff and put it on the doorstep

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/11/2010 20:11

Am very late to the thread, just wanted to say how sorry I am you are going through this.

Absolutely agree with everyone else, it is him who needs to go, not you. I know this is incredibly hard but just now you have no idea what will happen in the future as you are dealing with someone who is not being honest with you . Can you access his email on the computer? If so please do and print off anything relevant. Do you have any access to money apart from him? If not can you transfer some out of any joint accounts you have?

Sorry to mention stuff like this when you must be reeling from it all but I have seen this happen to several friends who got thoroughly stitched up as the shits they were married to took advantage of the fact they were in shock to sort themselves out financially at my friends' expense. Much harder to sort out later. In my experience they will not admit to any physical aspect to an affair for ages even when it is so blatantly obvious. You can always work at things further down the line but for now please do everything you can to protect yourself and that includes a solicitor on Monday.

magichomes · 12/11/2010 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 12/11/2010 20:29

really hope he is not still popping in to see friends - because i fear he will already be sowing the seeds of you being 'unreasonalbe'. Beware he is not already making you out to be in the wrong here. I does happen believe me.

Try and still get to see the friends if you can - i know you feel dreadful at the moment though.

FanjolinaJolie · 12/11/2010 21:04

You can not legally change the locks.

TracyK · 12/11/2010 21:27

I don't think you can change the locks - if the house is in joint names.

I'd check with the friends and see if he turns up - I bet he either doesn't or pops in and then gos on to see OW.

I agree - print off/transfer any joint monies/bank accounts. Paperwork etc.

In his mind this marriage is over - you need to ask him to leave - he may or may not regret it - but don't lower yourself by crying and begging for him to stay.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 12/11/2010 21:52

He is telling you very clearly that he is going to continue seeing this woman, and that in his eyes you have no right to object, because to him you are not important. This situation is not fixable, because he is utterly selfish and considers that he is the one with all the power here - he thinks that you are so desperate for him to stay that you will put up with his affair. DOn't do that to yourself.
WHile I do sometimes suggest to people with repeatedly unfaithful partners that they consider accepting that their marriage will not be monogamous, the only way that's ever going to work is if the non-monogamous partner is prepared to put some effort in and show some considerations for the monogamously-inclined partner's feelings. This man isn't going to do that because he isn't interested in anyone's feelings but his own.
I'm afraid you can't change the locks or force him to leave the house if he refuses to go, if both names are on the mortgage - at least, you can't do it with immediate effect, but you can consult a solicitor about the best way forward, and you can definitely stop providing him with any domestic service - let him get his own meals and do his own laundry. Though if any of your DCs are old enough to understand, he may well start behaving even more horribly by trying to get them on his side and telling them 'Mummy's being horrid to daddy'.

ChocolateMoose · 12/11/2010 22:17

Hi Halloqueen

No helpful advice to add to what others have said, but another one out here who's thinking of you.

FIMBOfedupofrandomfireworks · 12/11/2010 23:49

Oh Hallo he really is a prize knob and deserves the wrath of all the mners on here. I am not the violent sort but really want to go and kick him in the knackers for you.

AllOverIt · 13/11/2010 06:44

How are you this morning Hallo?

traceybath · 13/11/2010 07:43

God I feel for you and obviously think he's being a knob.

The long baths - well he's texting her whilst he's in the bathroom - I'd bet anything on that.

And telling his wife whose just had a baby that the OW is a model - well words really fail me.

I hope you get a good chance to think about thinks this weekend.

CakeCuresAll · 13/11/2010 09:09

Hi Hallo

I hope you're feeling a bit clearer after some space at your mums.

Just wanted to let you know that you have some amazing support here - we are thinking of you x

clam · 13/11/2010 09:13

Oh dear, halloqueen. So Sad to read this.
But look at it, in black and white. He doesn't know if he wants to save your marriage (when you have 3 kids and have been together for ages and have a good life together) because of what he says is a friendship??
And he expects you to believe it's gone no further than that?

perfumedlife · 13/11/2010 09:55

Thinking of you hallo, hope your mum is taking good care of you and the children x

RealityBomb · 13/11/2010 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halloqueen · 13/11/2010 10:55

Hello not really much to tell at the moment just wanted to say I'm ok (well not really I suppose but you know what I mean) and that I thank you all so much for your support and advice as does my mum who has also been amazing. X x

OP posts:
LaydeeC · 13/11/2010 10:55

he is a knobber
not helpful I know but words fail me...

LaydeeC · 13/11/2010 10:59

I don't have anything like the quality of advice that some of the posters on this thread have (am really a lurker rather than a poster) but it seems to me that you should really think about what would you be saying to a friend or family member with this issue.
Some of the best advice I recieved from someone I worked with a long time ago is that you should heed the advice that you would give to others...

tummysgottogo · 13/11/2010 11:04

So sorry to have read this. Hope you're ok as could be - glad to hear your mum has been great. I am speechless at this nasty, selfish, weak and pathetic man's behaviour.

You do know it's not about you, don't you?

AllOverIt · 13/11/2010 13:27

How have you left it with him Hallo? Are you at your mum's or are you at home?

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