am i overreacting?

[muffymk]

ok name changer here but i do not post very often..but hey ho

I have been with partner for 9 years we have 1 child and I have previous 3 from a marriage.

well my partner has a history of cheating once with a hooker, a woman he works with and a girl from the internet. well thought we sorted it out.

received letter today for him but i opened it as i had a 'feeling' anyway it was a letter from a bank confirming that he now has new bank account??

well i questioned him on why and he told me that he didnt want me monitoring on what he spends????

1. we have joint bank account and he pays bills and so do i.

2. he did have his own account but he wanted to change it to joint

3. monitoring??? when he said this my alarm bells rang

I told him to leave and he has ...to quietly as he never left when i found out about his cheating..which is a lot worse

am i paraniod?? i feel so sad that i wasted so much on this bloke

lol i forgot the namechanger thing...bloomin wine

If you have a 'feeling' usually there is something in it.
How are things today?

I think you should have perhaps reacted more when he cheated three times in the past, with three different women.

You are not being paranoid, he is acting like a man who wishes to be single and he left without a struggle. I would say it's over. Sorry you wasted your time but this is the best all round. A guy who wont fight for his family is not a guy worth having.

thank you i really needed to see that in black and white

you are right about the cheating part and we did split up for six months and he begged me to come back this was 2 years ago

he just left yesterday just like that. by text he tells me that i have to many friends and that i dont ask him to go anywhere (even tho i got foo fighter tickets for him) and he has been saying he wants peace a lot (with 4 kids this is difficult)

i just cant stop crying now i wish i could stop. maybe if i stuck to my guns 2 years ago when i felt strong i may ne in a better place mentally

also his phone has been attached to him lately and i do not know where he stayed the night. lucky i have a great brother who is around now trying to pick me up of the floor everytime i fall

god im so stupid

oh when we split up he stayed in house on sofa in case you wondering even tho i was threatening him with police etc.

now he leaves quitely

i just cant seem to function and my face is a shocking pink

Sounds like he is turning it all back on you - classic cheaters guilt :(

Sorry you're going through this after trying so hard to move on and put it back together.

thanks i think im in shock

im too scared to tell my friends cos i will get the 'told you so' and i dont want them to worry as i have always been seen as the strong one.

i can beleive it yet i cant. lucky work is ok about me not goin in today.

i even asked him back this morning and even now im gettin the ' i dont know'

god where is my dignity.

Friends won't say I told you so, but will rally around and help you through this. Probably relieved that its finally over.

Now make sure he can't get your money.

i have MT

I cant bring myself to do it yet. i want to sleep but i just feel real cold

oh i removed my part of the money

he still blaming me for it all. that we not close etc that i never do this or that yet he hasnt ever done anything for me when i think about it...but it still hurts so much

i need to grow a pair of bollocks-quickly

"I told him to leave and he has ...to quietly as he never left when i found out about his cheating..which is a lot worse"

It's all about deceit, just regarding different issues. Cheating may feel worse but it's all part and parcel of the same abominable behaviour towards you.

In asking him back you are inviting more of the same. I wish for you that it wasn't so but what on earth makes you think that things could ever be any different with him? ...Aside from you desperately hoping he hasn't/wont/wouldn't, which sadly, is not enough.

I hope you find the strength to dismiss this poor excuse of a human being from your heart and your life. There's a good and happy future waiting for you, all you have to do is choose it.

thank you Bast

thank you so much

this is why mumsnet is here. i just feel like i have no strength at all

im off cryin again

i just wanna go to sleep and wake up not feeling so raw

i actually feel like i cant breathe

thank you everyone for your support

muffy, it'll be OK, you are now making the right decision.

You are scared, that is understandable, life has changed. But you have yourself and your DC to think of and this can't go on.

Understand that today will be horrid, tomorrow too perhaps, but soon it'll stop hurting quite so much.

Then each day after that, it'll get easier and easier, and soon you will have the rich life you deserve.

hope you are OK, thinking of you.

actually, muffy, at the risk of upsetting you further, you haven't made this decision, have you ?

you told him to leave, not expecting him to actually do it...or not to do it without a massive drama and him beg you to let him stay

and he went, quite happily, he was just
waiting for an excuse, and you played right into his hands

now you are the one doing the begging

this man is very clever, and has you manipulated very successfully

the excuse he was waiting for is because of 2 possible reasons...

1. he wants the relationship to stay over for good (3 cheating incidences, that you know of, tells me he certainly will never be monogamous)

2. he wants you to beg and plead, so he reinstates himself firmly back in the control seat, whilst simultaneously giving your self-esteem a mighty kick in the teeth. Future misdemeanours will then be easier to get past you (because you fear he will leave again..so will keep your trap shut)

now

neither of those scenarios are any good at all for you. If the man doesn't want you in the way you want him, you are on a hiding to nothing (unless you can stomach him shagging any woman he takes a fancy to). The seconfd scenario sets you up for a lie of doormattery and being made a fool of, time and time again.

What's it to be ? Grit your teeth, strengthen your resolve and get over the cheating twat...or accept the above ?

You decide.

yep i know all this i know it thats what makes me so sick and upset

i cant stop crying and you are right he went too quietly

he cheating i knew the signs

withheld affection
withdrawing from family
phone on his person constantly

my face looks like its been hit with a hammer

he will never be honest with me. god this is so hard

thanks AF

Muffy, (mother of four?!) ...of course you have strength!

All you have to do is find a way to access it and you will probably find a route to it through anger rather than despair.

You've had a nasty shock, you may have even denied aspects of his past behaviour in an effort to 'just move on' and 'put it behind you' so, in effect, it may all be leaping to the surface now...

How many more weeks, days or even seconds of your time and energy are you going to waste on this man? How much more of you are you going to allow him to take from your children?

You are a mother of four, a lioness! How dare he? ...Get as angry with this man as you would with anyone who treated one of your children or close friends in such a way.

Be kind to yourself, allow your strength in anger to protect you - that's what it's there for.

I am really sorry he has done this to you.

He doesn't deserve to come back to the cosy family set-up at home, when he repeatedly trashes it with his skankery.

He doesn't respect you and he doesn't think you are worthy of respect.

but you are

and until you give him his marching orders, send him back off to the single life he so clearly hankers after, he never will respect you as a person in your own right

but no matter

What he thinks of you is now immaterial after he has made it so abundantly clear he is not the man you want him to be.

Tell him it is over for good and mean it

Cry to your friends and family but he must see no more tears from you.

Pick your self up, see your GP for some short-term medication to help you sleep/get through the days and ask to be referred for counselling for yourself.

You need some help to see that this treatment is not all that you deserve.

A warning...he will come back with his tail between his legs, I bet my house on it. But not until he sees that you are moving on without him. That will be a very dangerous time for you. I hope to God, you send him away again with your boot up his arse, in no doubt that your days as his emotional punchbag and ego-boosting submissive female are over.

i really do need help

i need meds

i cant speak

muffy, please could you have a look here

you need someone to talk to, right now

make a cuppa, and pick up the phone x

can you ring a family member or friend to come around and sit with you, while you make that call ?

im on phone to them now

good girl

now tell them what you have told us, and listen carefully to their advice, the non-judgemental understanding they are offering you and don't hold anything back

come back and tell us what they said

my head really hurts bad

im sobbing like a kid

she didnt really say a lot

just listened and saying yes it must hurt etc and very long silences