It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

No, not close to my family either purplepeony which probably makes me a bit of a strange person as well.

Certainly wouldn't be able to ask for money anyway.

The bank is certainly an idea and I will ask them if that's a possibility asap :)

What about the security deposit you paid on the current flat?

Just hoping you start improving your life.

How about you talk to him tonight and say you are leaving him?

Most banks will give you an overdraft of £1k just by asking.
as someone else says though, you should get back the deposit on your current flat.

Mmmhh.....this is a bit difficult to say really - please please please don't take it the wrong way but......

I'm just waking up from the shit state that my relationship is really in.

Up until a few days ago I was unhappy but able to kid myself that this was the best I could/would get.

Also, reading through the lovely bloke thread earlier it started to dawn on me that other people have completely different relationships with men who are cheerful and love and respect their women/partners.

I will sound like I'm making excuses but I just need a little time to get my head together. I def. won't be able to just walk in tonight, announce I'm leaving and move out the day after that.

He may be a tit but don't think he deserves that....v. difficult but I will get there soon, I promise :)

You don't have to justify yourself to us. It is your life. You can only do what you feel is right for you but this man is not right for you imo.

Good luck.

Oh Bibi.. It's your life!..you have to live it at your pace.

It took me 4 attempts to leave my XP!

Good luck! X

Thank you phipps!

Feel like the genie has been let out of the bottle and I can't just plod along anymore pretending that it's all fine and all I need is the occasional moan on here.

Will post update(s) as I have them, thanks again for everyone's efforts and patience.

:)

Yep, know what you mean about the genie coming out of the bottle. I'm so glad you read the 'lovely DP' thread! That was a very, very constructive choice :)

Give yourself time to get your head round it - read some more, keep posting if it helps. Oh, and keep making preparations ... your weird P (WP?) is likely to sense your awakening and speed up his nice/nasty cycle. Or, conversely, get even more stoned: either way, it might become even harder to make a civilsed exit. Wishing you luck - and remember to be nice to yourself!

Thought I'd posted the last on this thread. Feel like a right egomaniac with so many people paying attention to my witterings :)

Thanks Grace, after reading that lovely DP thread I just sat for ages this morning, a bit shellshocked really, thinking about what I'm missing out on.

Can't believe there are DH's/DP's etc all over the place that smile a lot and don't have to be prised of the coach with a spatula :)

Think I'm just too used to accepting very little in my life but thinking it's a lot.

The things I've learned since finding MN are absolutely priceless.

This will sound INCREDIBLY cheesy but it's true - reading about other peoples experiences and replies from strong women is making me feel that I'm actually worth something as a female for the first time in my life (loooong boring story)

The things I've learned I don't HAVE to put up with simply because I'm a woman are staggering. Just all takes a while to amalgamate in my head and heart

Just caught your update.

Love, you will get there. You do not owe any of us anything...you owe yourself more thn this though.

Opening Pandora's Box after years of rationalising and denial must be a very strange and surreal experience. None of us, despite cries of "dump him" are unrealistic about how difficult and consuming of time/energy it can be just to get your head around it.

"Leave him" is often more of a metaphor for "detach, get real, start making your plans, pierce the denial"

You are doing these things...the pace is your own x

I put up with so much crap because I was desperate for someone to love me and some security. Now I am married to the loveliest, kindest man in the world and I appreciate him so much because of all the others I went out with.

Bibi, how are you feeling today?

Ooh, hello phipps - you are VERY kind to keep asking me how I am.

Still thinking about stay/go/when/how almost every minute of the day.

Accompanied by queesy (sp?) stomach waves whenever I think about DP's reaction to me saying 'I've had enough' and him being sad and all by himself.

Swinging violently between 'get a life, do it soon and bleurrrrgh feel sick at the thought of it'

All I know is that I do not still want to be in this position this time next year so def. want it sorted.

Waffle waffle, sorry!! Thanks again for asking :)

I understand that feeling. With the ex I talked about before, it was me that asked that we get back together and it was me that knew pretty quick I no longer loved him and it wasn't going to work. I finished it on Boxing Day as I didn't want to ruin his Christmas. He was very upset and was crying when he left. I just shut the door and got on with my life. I didn't feel guilty at all.

You will know when it is right. Just be careful with contraception.

Crikey boxing day that would push all of my guilt buttons!!

Know what you mean about crying and not caring anymore finally got to that stage with xp but then he was violent as well.

Just seemed easier when I was able to say you're an unreasonable violent twat. 'I'm off because my life will never move on while I'm with you' just seems weak in comparison.

You don't have to give him a reason you want to finish or you could try I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you anymore, brutal but true I guess. Driving myself mad here I know it shouldn't really matter why I want out.

The pathetic thing is that I am really not used to expressing 'I want' and 'I feel' without justifying myself severely ( really? say all on this thread, we hadn't noticed :) )

Gosh this is really really nice to be able to tap all of this out. You ought to be paid for your patient listening ear Phipps!

An amazing number of people get dumped on Valentine's Day, because it's harder to keepp up the pretence at a time when you're supposed to be happy. Christmas is probably the same. Glad you're gathering your mental resources together though. :)

TBH Bibi, I'd say you need to do this before Xmas- it's 5 week's away or more.
If you do it any closer or on Boxing Day that is going to be a sore point for ages. i was dumped just before Xmas once and it was horrible. My ex ( we were engaged) gave me my Xmas present at the same time as I had to hand him back my ring. Bastard.

Once you have decided to go, I think you just have to go- even if it means camping out with a friend for a few weeks if possible.

You come across as so nice- and I am afraid that you will bottle out the longer you have to think about his reaction. As others have said, he is an adult- you are not responsible for him.

Hello elephants - lovely to hear from you too. Yup def feels like gathering resources. I've a feeling it's not going to be long before I just blurt it out to him.

He's gone from being sudden captain domestic to extra negative and moany - I swear men have some weird 7th sense in these situations.

Just caught myself thinking 'oh but I'd be so lonely on my own' and then immediately followed that with 'you can always go on MN and talk' :)

I have had a huge amount of support from MN so are always happy if I can try and help .

BTW the reason it was Boxing Day was we were only back together a few weeks so it wasn't like I waited form Sept until then.

yeah, just as well you explained the boxing day thing for a moment i had you down as the Xmas witch

Sorry trying to be funny while cooking and slurping wine too fast :)

You're all right in saying it needs to happen before Xmas though. Worst time of year to pretend to be lovey dovey.

No friends I can camp out with though so bit tricky still.

Never mind if it's to be then an opportunity will present itself. At least I will be ready to grab it when it comes!

Awwwwww BB that's nice :) Have I ever talked to you about him under a namechange (yours not mine)? Probably there are just a lot of stonerheaded PITAs around.

When I broke up with my stoner, what finally prompted me to do it was thinking that I would be mortified if I knew that he was thinking about me, in the way I was thinking about him, and had not said anything or decided to break up with me. So ask yourself, is it really fair to let him carry on imagining that you think he's nice, kind, attractive & interesting when in fact you are finding him lazy, moany, tedious and oppressive?

Not that I sympathise with him, but it might make you see that it's not doing anyone any good, you sticking around.

You can stay with me.