It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

RitaLynn, I would agree if it's been a somewhat equal relationship so far, however by the sound of it Bibi has been financially supporting him. I honestly think she has no obligation to make sure he's set up - he is a grown man, if he has not made provisions then I'm sure this will teach him to do so.

I'm not suggesting she gets up, goes out for some milk never to return - I'm just saying she needs to put herself first now, and put all plans in place to leave. WRT transferring bills to his name etc. this is so he can close/deal with these accounts. If he can't afford it, he'll be able to close the accounts when he moves out of the property. Perhaps Bibi can determine a sum which she thinks reasonable, which she can leave to cover a percentage of the bills. However she is not obliged. This man has had plenty of chances by the sound of things to listen to his partner's concerns, and he hasn't. Really, if he is not prepared for her to leave him, he should wake up

Rita, this man is not a dependent, he is an able-bodied man

RitaLynn, Bibi is paying for repairs to HIS car, which she will not be using in the future ... and he complained of HER choice of mechanic to do HIS repairs, which SHE is paying for.

It doesn't make him an evil bastard, just a feckless loser. What does she "owe" him, exactly?

EternalCynic,

I agree OP needs to put herself first, and I agree with all the stuff about planning the bills etc, I was more referring to the comment about the car (which even the OP thought was cruel).

Essentially, what I meant by the bastard comment was because of the people labelling this man an abuser. I think OP should leave, but I noticed a hypocrisy in one of Phipps' comment about her husband having a libido problem which was his problem, whereas here, the OP's libido problem is very much a shared problem.

(BTW I was just reading an Updike novel last night, Rabbit Run, where the character does precisely that, just gets up and leaves)

Phipps said: When he had libido problems he sorted it out and didn't blame me.
Possibly because Phips wasn't grabbing his bits whenever he came close enough, trying to guilt him into sex and paying no attention to his desires or feelings ...

I obviously don't know the OP's situation really, and what was described above about his approach to sex does sound pretty horrible. Guilting someone about sex is pretty subjective (if I hadn't had it for a year, I think I might be tempted to "guilt" my DP into sex).

Ignoring the issues about who pays for what, etc, it would seem the communication about sex is pretty poor in this relationship, but communication requires two people. The OP's DP is clearly aware there is a problem, but may not know how to talk about, maybe the OP doesn't either.

Fortunately our finances are and always have been completely seperate so at least that's something

Somehow Bibi this is not the impression you have given us. As you said you're paying for his car which is another free-be for him. You have given the impression that you are in some ways financially supporting him. What I mean when I say separate your finances is make sure you let him know the bills you do pay for him that are his bills or bills that will become his when you leave. My XP was so stupid unaware of the bills I paid for him that when I moved out and cancelled all the direct debits he ended up losing a storage facility of his. Unfortunately this massively backfired on me because a lot of my precious childhood things were in there and when the payments stopped the council went in and cleared it all out. Some bills you might get quarterly so you need to work out where you are in the quarter and what is a fair amount for you to contribute to it for the time you will be there. you could of course work this all out on your own without him needing to be consulted. You need to also inform your landlord that you intend to move out but be warned, they contact him immediately or at least mine at the time did to check that he is happy with continuing the rental without you.

I see Rita's point in that he deserves some kindness but then that really depends how the rest of your relationship has been. If with the exception of his selfishness and denial it's been ok, then maybe you owe it to him to sit down and have the conversation. I know if it was me I might feel rather uncomfortable deceiving him for weeks while I rearrange all the household bills and sort out my finances. I might be more inclined to tell him my plans. It really all depends on how you and him get along on a friends basis.

I remember when my brother and his last serious gf split up he slept on the sofa for a few weeks until she got the money together to move out. They had bought a house together so were sharing a mortgage so they had to arrange how the bills would be paid with her leaving and of course the mortgage. My brother was devastated because it was she who left him (for different reasons) but they were able to spend that month living in the same house while not together. It can be done. Although if you don't want to face that then of course do it without his knowledge but if he finds out in the meantime it could be more awkward thank being forward about it.

Anyway... I'm going to stop rambling. I'm told that my motto of "everyone is entitled to my opinion" makes me waffle on a bit. I really hope you can come to a solution that suits you and makes you happy.

itsGraceAgain I am so glad I reread your post as I was a bit . We were talking about something else, he suddenly came out with it, we discussed what we could do about it. You know, like grown ups .

RitaLynn Please do explain where I have been hypocritical?

In response to Rita's other comment about labelling him an abuser. I do hope nobody thinks that is what I meant when I mentioned my XP. I have never intended to label this man as anything other than self-absorbed. Rereading the post I wrote earlier it is easy to see why someone might think I was implying this but I really wasn't. Unfortunately due to my limited experience I've only felt the need to get out of a relationship once and that was an abusive one. I made a slight comparison to show where my point of view was coming from but recognised the two situations were different. I also asked the OP outright if she felt threatened in any way. I didn't assume she did. She has made it clear that he isn't intimidated but has also made it clear she isn't happy. She has a right to be happy. Now it is all about how she gets there.

Phipps, I was only commenting on the fact that when your DP/DH had a libido problem, it was his problem, when it's the OP here who has a libido problem (that's at least how the problem was introduced), it was a shared problem.

I wouldn't normally do this, Rita - there's vaalue in balanced discussion - but am doing it now, because Bibi's already vacillating and feeling guilty (as a result of having shouldered all responsibility for her relationship for so long). Did you ead her posts?

~ Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely. Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

~ I tell him gently and politely to please do something different ... He carries on with his way and when I get upset tells me 'but I like it' ... Top that with him being convinced he's the worlds greatest lover and gets really upset with any kind of feedback (I can't believe you would think that of me etc)

~ Its just so difficult when the other person won't engage in any decent conversation and then keeps telling me what I'm seeing and feeling is wrong

~ I would go to counselling like a shot but it's persuading Dp that's the problem. Talking about anything important has always been a no no. Asked him why he never wants to discuss our non existent sex life two days ago and got told 'there's no point in whinging about it is there?' exit to stare at tv ... Any talks we have had were started by me with little participation or ideas from Dp.

~ I'd bring him tea and he would grope my breasts and between my legs and then be mightily put out when i said I didn't like it.

And there's more. It hardly sounds like a case of mutual failure to listen, does it? The poor woman's even been to her doctor 4 times to find out what's wrong with her, while he continues to do what he likes to her body.

Sorry for talking about you in the 3rd person, Bibi. Rita, are you in a relationship like this?

well it is his problem in that he had a problem whereas I didn't but he didn't feel like that because of anything I was or wasn't doing. Being very fussy of course it is our problem because if DH isn't happy then I am not happy about that.

The OP's lack of libido is a shared problem because it is her problem because of how he is acting therefore stopping her have a fulfilling sex life.

I'm going to leave this discussion, I think the OP should leave, and do it kindly. The relationship sounds beyond saving, and if the OP wants to leave, she should leave.

PS, I'm not in a relationship like that.

Rita, I agree with you actually (your last post, anyway)

no-one is advocating she screams at him, drops him completely in the shit or knifes him

but she really should withdraw all financial and emotional support from him, or he will leach off her indefinitely (like the cocklodger he undoubtedly is)

and I see what you were doing, trying to see it from his side

unfortunately, the OP has been doing precisely that for far too long, IMO

Just caught up with the responses. Apologies for my dithery posts which seem to have started debates now.

All caused by my not having any kind of spine! Think it's time I went off and grew one!!!! I just seem to have this unstoppable urge to make the life of the person I'm with as easy and pleasant as possible and then end up upset when that attitude is not returned.

Really really appreciate all of your comments - really good to know it's not all in my head.

Off to have dinner and tell Dp about car now.

BB - there's nothing wrong with being like that. It's not pathetic or wimpy, in fact it's exactly what DP says his relationship philosophy is "make your partner's life as lovely and easy as possible, and trust that they will do the same for you". You're not a fool, because you have realised that he isn't doing the same. And now you are getting out.

You sound really nice btw :)

No, no, no, I didn't mean to imply wimpiness on your part, Bibi! Although I did. Sorry

I meant exactly what AnyFucker said in her last two posts.

No I didn't take it like that grace! :)

It's a bit like listening to a friend complaining how hard they have it, giving them loads of advice and they just carry on complaining.

Comes a point where action has to be taken and spines grown imo

I can see those vertebrae firming up as I type

How are you today Bibi?

Did you tell him about the car?

OK - just thinking about the rental issue. If both your names are on the lease, you can't just leave - neither can he.

You have to give a month's written notice to your landlord and then your ex-p would have to sign a new lease in his name only.

Once you handed the flat back, you would then get your security deposit back, assuming you hand the flat back in good condition.

If YOU paid that deposit initially, it would be yours to put down on a new flat. If you paid it jointly, half of it would be yours.

You also legally have to give notice so that the month ends at the end of the rental period although landlords can be flexible if you have a good relationship with them. My last ones let me stay an extra week so I could move during half term. However, if your notice period coincides with the end of your rental month then finding the month's rent in advance for the new place is no harder than finding the next month's rent for the old place, surely.

I have rented all my life and moved fve times so I know whereof I speak.

But talk to your landlord and let them know what is going on.

Hello, sorry didn't notice your question earlier phipps - I've been 'window shopping' on the 'my DH/DP is lovely thread'

Yes, fine today thank you. I'm a bit ashamed to say I took the very defensive approach re the car. Got home without it, took him ages to ask what was happening with it since I wasn't in the mood to vomit all the information all over him as per usual.

Told him what work needed doing and how much it would cost and he started arguing about it saying 'that's only just been done' errr, yes 8 eights ago 'just'.

Descended into a bit of a row about him talking to me as if im thick all the time and I conveniently left out the part where the usual garage isn't doing the work. Odd of me I know

Soooo, a long boring ramble about not a lot - ever wish you hadn't asked phipps?

templemaiden - some very good points there especially about talking to landlord re flexibility. The rent isn't the problem its finding the months rent and another month as a depost that's the problem at the moment.

8 eights??? Inventing new timelines now

That should of course be 8 years ago.

Bibi- do younot have family who could loan you the money you need as a short term loan- or ask the bank for an agreed overdraft?