It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

I'll come down and drag him out of there by his balls ear if you like? Was going to the pub for a quick drink but as the babysitter is most helpful I could probably be with you in a couple of hours.

Last one - yes please nora

I will give you a call if he's not budging!

Right, really am off now.

Good luck!

So. What's the state of play?

Hi, sorry, it's been completely manic since last night, only just got 5 mins now :)

I'm just worn out with it all today, got back yesterday, he's still pretending nothings happened.

I got really angry told him he won't wash to keep pulling this stunt, cue stabbed puppy routine, sorry sorry sorry, red eyes etc.

Told him I was impressed with his efforts of the previous night, more whimpering 'oh I really really wanted to but didn't want to upset you' etc etc. Pathetic.

He'd apparently spent the whole evening composing one A4 sheet's worth of letter to me.

I saw the letter on the table, still on the pad with the pen across it so thought it wasn't finished. Not addressed to me propped against a vase, kettle anything where I would see it. NO, still on the pad.

The note went on and on about how he does want to have children with me and he's been wasting time, kind hearted, would make a great mother, would be honoured to have children with me blah blah blah.

Too late, too late, too late,

I spent about another hour yelling at him that it's too late for any of that and he has to move out.

He spoke to his mother when I was in the hotel and she's said he can have her spare room. Fine, lovely, get going I say.

Whine whine whine, but I don't have a bed, I don't want to move back with my mother it's emabarrassing and the best bit:

'I fail to see how we can work on our relationship if we don't live together'

I have no idea where he got that from and told him he can work at whatever he likes I want a clean break from him.

Was really pissed off this time as all I'm hearing is me, me, me, me, what about me, it's not fair on me, I've realised I'm wrong, you need to give me a chance.

NO I REALLY DON'T

Really drove it home to me just how self obsessed and childish he is. Cannot wait to get away from him now.

He's never going to accept that it's over is he? I'm going to have to find the money and go.

Ridiculous!!!

Sorry for war and peace again, need to log for my own records as much as anything.

'I fail to see how we can work on our relationship if we don't live together'

Oh Bibi... he really doesn't listen to you does he?

Well since he has somewhere to go you can help him pack. Call it your last act of looking after him :) You could even put his stuff in his car.

No Catherine, that's what I said to him - he is refusing to listen to a word I'm saying.

Just like he's refused to listen these last ten years.

The biggest thing is he feels absolutely entitled to 'try again' now that he's had a sudden insight into what a twat he's been and cannot understand that I've had enough.

Grrrrr.....!!!

The very fact that you had to leave in order for him to realise things weren't right says it all really. Till now he has had no reason to change and it's only self-preservation that it is kicking in now.

Yes, I finally saw it with my own eyes last night Katisha.

Am absolutely dismayed that I couldn't see it properly over all that time.

He's always been the same childlike demanding 'mummy fix it' sort of character.

And I totally missed the full extend of it

No wonder I've been so alone and unhappy for so long.

Totally shocked, really am at my own naivity.

Thought I was a realist - turns out I spun myself a merry fantasy :(

Don't be hard on yourself Bibi. As you say, you have been busy making sure his life is comfortable for all this time. But you were getting nothing back. We all have a version of reality which shifts from time to time according to circumstances, but finally you have realised that your vision of what you want from a relationship and life in general is poles apart from his.

It's not just a question of him waking up and trying a bit harder, and saying what he thinks you want to hear. I hope that he DOES change as a result of this, and doesn't take the next girl down the route of screen/dope-fuelled oblivion. But whatever he does now, you and he have reached the end of the line.

"We all have a version of reality which shifts from time to time according to circumstances"

Yes, you're right, am just amazed at the extend of it. Like I've just got out of one of those circus of mirror places.

Dear god, the time I wasted.......... :(

Well, no more. Will spend the weekend doing everything in my power to either get the manchild out of the house or somewhere, anywhere for me to go.

Hi Bibi you have done so well in such a difficult situation. Don't loose the strength you have now. If he was serious in caring about you he would recognise you needed some serious space right now and graciously move to his mums. But he wont you will have to force him to. He can move this weekend help him do it if you have to.

So what if he finds it embarrassing. He should be embarrassed of the way he has behaved in your relationship. He will either carry on with what he doing now there (smoking and playing games not much else ect) or he will really have a wake up call and start doing something more positive with his life which would be a good thing for him anyway.

Don't let him drag this out until you are exhausted.

Did you say you were going out tonight? if so have a great time start enjoying being single and free!

In time you wont feel like you have wasted anything because you will will be truly happy and everything in your life previously will have brought you to that point whatever it is. As long as you do what is good for you from now and what makes you happy you wont have any regrets.

if he is welcome at his mother's he should go

what a pathetic cling-on he is turning out to be (just like the last 10 years...no change really)

Yes, I will def. enjoy myself tonight.

It's the work xmas party which was thoroughly spoiled last year by now x dp as he moaned about the food, the music, the fact he didn't know anyone, he felt out of place.

AND I had to pay for him to attend the do. Paying to be tortured, how about that

It will be nice not to have to worry about pleasing anyone other than myself for a change!!

Thanks for popping in AF!

Pathetic cling-on is right, I'd just like to say that I genuinly had no idea he would be like that.

No pride either, evidently since he's willing to snivvle and whine until the mummy person will take over again and keep him safe.

Just been reading through the thread again from the beginning. If it hadn't been for everyone responding to me I'm pretty sure I would have just had a moan and carried on as before.

MN should be available on prescription!!

He thinks it's embarrasing to go to his mum's but not embarrased to sponge off you. (read whole thread). I'm glad his mum has offered for him to go in her spare room. He has no excuse not to go really.

Have a lovely time at work xmas party! Without the grumpy moaner spoiling your fun.

Once he gets his x box or whatever round to his mum's, he'll be fine. Maybe you should take it round there, (and his other technology). Make it so all he has to do at your place is read a quality newspaper or something!

at quality newspaper

Have a lovely time tonight Bibi. Am having a really shitty day myself so cannot really post cheering words, but hope you enjoy the freedom and the fun. :)

Enjoy yourself this evening. Hope you have something lovely to wear. I think taking his PS3 to his mum's house is inspired. He won't cope with the separation. If it's too far to go, maybe you could book the PS3 into a hotel?

OMG your ex seems to be my ex husband!!! Just read through the thread and it took for ever but totally worth it!!
You have done brilliantly! I recognise a lot of the emotional blackmail stuff.....
I made myself a promise not to 'settle' for less than the best again. That was 14 years ago!!!!!
settle back now and enjoy the ride discovering who you really are and what you want to do...

You know, Bibi, this is probably the nicest thing he has ever done for you. Showing his true colours as a fuckwitted, selfish, whiny loser who really really doesn't consider you as a human being. THe more he whines and demonstrates that he doesn't give a shit what you think, the stronger you feel.
GOod luck.

Thanks so much everyone. Had a lovely time at Xmas party. Was kind of really loowing at other peoples partners there. None of them spent their time moaning about everything and just there to have a good time.

My friends dh spent loads of time amusing me by making funny flying things out of the Xmas hats on our table. Sounds silly but is amazing to me that men like that exist.

Have just had another rant at my xp since he was carrying on as per normal before I left for the
party.

Tells me now he knows we are splitting and he will be going to his mothers asap.

Here's hoping!

So glad you had a lovely time bibi. Help him pack! Did you say he had a company car? Stick all his daft games, consoles, everything he finds essential in that car if possible. You need the other one don't you? If he has to take 'his' car (that you have paid to maintain, get him out the house and at his mother's first. Sort the transport problem out after? I don't know, sure somone wiser than me will come along tommorow to ad vise! Don't give him the tv though IMHO. Chuck all his clothes in, a spare quilt (if you haven't got a spare one, treat him to a very cheap indeed supermarket one, and a cover, and a pillow). No excuses from him allowed re going to his mother's asap. Well done bibi! you have done so well. Free now to find a lovely man who really wants children and will be equal relationship. Be on your own a little while first IMO though. Maybe you should get some RL counselling or something. The years with him and getting rid of him will have been emotionally draining. You want to be ready to meet someone really nice, not just someone not as bad as him.

You can now choose at some point to move to somewhere with a cat flap and better shower, not feel forced into moving.

Here's hoping! Keep posting. Lots of lovely posters on here to assist and support if he starts stalling.

Or you can stay where you are, I meant to say.