It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

Obviously you can't throw him into the street tonight but you need to give him a deadline, like you want him out before Christmas. Yes it is hard to find somewhere to live at this time of year, but didnt you say he has a mother and a sister? They can put him up for a while.
WHat you wil have to do (and this is hard and tiresome) is just refuse to discuss things with him. Just keep repeating 'I'm sorry you're sad, but the relationship is over and there's nothing more to discuss.'

You don't have to justify yourself. Everyone is entitled to end a relationship, the only obligations on a person dumping an unsatisfactory partner are to be reasonable about access to DC (which you don't have to worry about) and fair over any division of assets. IN your case, with no DC, once he's dumped, he's dumped and you can refuse any further contact with him.

You will have to be cruel to be kind then.

You have told him it's over now you have to show him it's over.

Go round to your friends house when you can, don't celebrate your birthday with him. (If nothing planned we can have a MN birthday party -mine is on Thursday). Tell him you have contacted the landlady re moving out/him taking over the lease.

This is now dragging out for you and he is hoping you will weaken and l think tonight you sound as if you hope that it will all just disappear.

Be strong another year older another year wiser. Let your birthday be the begining of the rest/best of your life.

when's your birthday Bibi? Mine's coming up soon too - tell you what, I dumped loser-stoner ex-P end of November a few years ago. Was so much happier coming up to my birthday thinking I could go out and chat up men or just go home to my family, or spend time with friends without his wet-blankettiness around me.

Agree with Doha - you have to show him. Think spending the night apart would be a good sign. If not tonight, make a plan for tomorrow. How close are his mother/sister?

Please don't apologise - we are all posting here to support you, not for any other reason. You don't owe us anything. You do owe yourself a new life, though.

My advice would be stay calm and cool in face of tears. just be matter of fact.

bibi..you must be wiped out

get some sleep tonight and make some tangible, concrete plans tomorrow

don't drift along any longer

You're all absolutely right. As soon as i saw the roses i thought ive got to physically get away from him to show him it's over.

Am thinking about this the same as when I stopped smoking - I've come this far I don't want to start all over again in three months time.

Bakingtray you're right as well when you say I've done nothing more than talk about my plans on here. Time to take some action.

Yes, if you have a mate who can put you up for a few nights go there. However, before you leave, pack and take with you, or hide, any objects that have particular sentimental value to you. Your H is probably too lazy and passive - aggressive to do damage, but sometimes menchildren like this can do things like destroy your property in a tantrum or even in an alleged accident, once they see that snivelling and promises of better behaviour aren't working.

Elephants - birthday is on Friday. am not in the least bit fussed about it tbh. I will have many more birthdays so one missed is not tragic!

Same with Christmas, if all I get this year is a couple of days peace without 'captain sorry' then it's a result.

I just cannot believe that he would go to these lengths to protect his lifestyle without any real thought for me.

He said earlier that he will move out if I decide not to give him another chance. Let's put that to the test tomorrow then!

Am even considering booking into a hotel/b&b for a couple of days just to get some distance between us.

If it's dragged on for 10 years then I can't see it being radically different now.

I've seen about three long-term relationships come to an end (not me - other people) and it's interesting how when one of the partners finally calls time on the unsatisfactory dragging on, they pretty quickly find someone else and commit. Not saying this has to happen to you Bibi, but I keep seeing it happen.

I dont know quite why, but it's as if the light goes on and they know what they actually want from a partner next time.

I really was naive/stupid enough to believe yesterdays tears and anger showed he understood I'm serious :(

Sorry but PMSL at "Captain Sorry".

You'll be fine, you should take was it Plumm up on her offer of a drink as well :)

Aw chicken don't worry - he's obviously got a way of getting under your skin or you wouldn't still be there now. Doesn't mean he's a good person to live with though.

Think of the future, you will be fine on your own for the next little while. With the cats, naturally.

Well there were so many sorry's tonight the new name just fell into my lap :)

Am still totally calm and 'mmh, whatever' at his witterings. I just have no experience of how healthy people recognise they need to change and then go about it.

Well, am going to go with the reasoning that if he's so dead set on being a new man then he can do that by himself for a while without me holding my hand under his arse!

Plumm sorry, meant to say earlier thanks for the invite and would love to accept/arrange.

One last thing then I really have to get some shut-eye

It's bound to be anger next on the emotional merry-go-round isn't it?

When he realises I'm still not playing ball I mean?

DOes he get angry ever?
Or does the weed just make him passive?

bibi...you could always just not stick around to find out what is next on the script...

or get shut of him and let him have his own drama without you as bystander

Suspect he'd rather smoke an extra spliff than get angry or have, you know, real feelings. I'd bet on him already having plenty of feelers out on a new place to crash.

Not until after the proposal, though, eh

'captain sorry'
Bibi, you're so funny!

See what you mean AF. Just thinking about 'you don't have to decide this week'

He may as well have said 'go on drag your heels all you want, I certainly will' imo anyway.

He will do whatever he can to not have to leave this house.

Just hope he carries on feeding the kitties if i stay away for a few nights.

Re. the anger -its always there just under the surface, rarely directed at me but it's there.

Waffling now - so grateful for everyones support again tonight. Without it we would have kissed and made up again by now!

Don't wait to find out, Bibi. It's his problem now.

Sleep well

Thanks for pom pom shake v. relaxing. Night all :)

joins in with a feeble rustle of pom poms. Too tired and off to bed

see you tomorrow Bibi stay strong

Just wanted to jot a few thoughts I'm having this morning:

*Dinner last night was previously cooked and defrosted lasagne. All he had to do was heat it up. No effort made there even.

*I really have become a total non-entity in my own life. Always worried about what others will want and need. Sod it, am going to reclaim me!

*Sick of gathering the crumbs that he chooses to gratiously throw down to me when it suits him. HOW DARE HE think he can persuade me to shut up and stay with the 'effort' of a defrosted meal and 12 pink roses.
Shows he's gotten used to being able to pacify me with very little in life.

Plan for today so far is to take the afternoon off work (should be ok, boss is good w short term hol requests)

Pick up Cat Food on way home so he has no excuse not to sort the cats out.

Pack up a few clothes and essentials and go stay in either a hotel etc or at friends if ok with her.

Call landlady and discuss changing tenancy into my single name only.

Call/text Captain Sorry's sister and mother to let them know whats happening.

Call x dp to tell him he needs to move out asap.

Phew, there's a new Bingo card all in itself there. Lets hope I'll be yelling house by the end of today!!!

oh, that is a brilliant plan

Go girl!
Bit early in the morning for the pom poms but I will haul them out!
I look forward to marking off the bingo card of positives at the end of the day!