It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

and roses eh? cliche

He's "acting" the part of the good boyfriend. Doesn't know how to do it so is resorting to what he's seen on the TV.

well said, ele

all those things that OP actually used to want will now be offered on a plate

however, they are all the things that will more effectively tie her to him

not a good prospect

BINGO - A GAME FOR TWO, OR AS MANY MNERS AS ARE INTERESTED:

he'll say he can't live without you

he'll look a bit sad
he'll play some computer games or watch films

he'll ask what he should do 'to make it better'

he'll cook dinner/otherwise be nicer than usual

he'll reiterate that you're his life

he'll ask where he's supposed to go

he'll demand an explanation as to what he's "done wrong"

he'll give you some other shitty concession - you can start trying for a baby for instance, or think about getting engaged or some other thing you've talked about back in the days when you still saw a future with him

he'll then be cross that you don't want aforementioned thing any more

he'll stomp off to smoke (and leave the door open

he will propose

I wonder at what point he will light up a funny fag

or whether he has given it up for this week forever ?

x posted

Me too elephant. I said he would propose!

he'll say he'll "do anything" to save the relationship

he'll offer to go to Relate

I'm so sorry about this everyone, by now I should be ready to just say 'eff off' with your roses and plan but my anger has gone AWOL.

I hasten to add I'm not going to sit there and get back with him but it just seems so callous and cruel to suddenly switch to not even listen.

He said we've been together a long time, it would be a shame to throw it all away and he loves me too much to let me go without a fight. wants me to try out hIs plan for a while and if I don't like it he will move out and not bother me again (yeah, right!)

Said that's all fair and good for him but what happens
If I just don't want to know anymore and still want us to split up?

Same answer apparently, I'm free to reject his idea and he will then give up.

Bloody hell, a part of me wants to yell leave me alone
you know how I feel the other part is thinking he genuinely wants to change things.

Along the lines of 'well he obviously didn't realise how I felt until I said I'm leaving'

Sorry for another bout of dithering just wasn't expecting this after yesterday's tears .

Am confused but going back downstairs to listen to his plan now.

Hope you've got your bingo card ready.

I don't believe you didn't expect this.

Eyes down for the fist wave of bullshit to come out his mouth.

Marker pen poised above my bingo card...

yes he's tried tears - that didn't work

now he's going to try the promises promises method - he's hoping that will work

no doubt he has plan C set for tomorrow if this doesn't secure the desired result.

Am I right in thinking the plan will be "I will be a paragon of sensitivity, adult behaviour and attentiveness, if you will kindly allow me to continue to live with you"

Haven't you been here before, Bibi? He will not give up his pleasures of gaming, weed and making you sexually uncomfortable overnight. And like I said earlier, even if he does, he can practise this on his own for a bit and give you some breathing space.

You need to say "I need you to move out for a bit and give me time to think it over".

TBH I'm not sure if Bibi even knows whether she would still want this man, objectively, even minus the weed and the boring lifestyle. But she might be so pleased/relieved at the concessions she is getting that she will see it as "only fair" to give him a chance.

If you met him tomorrow Bibi, and knew nothing of his home life, would you think "he's the man for me"?

Come on Bibi or else these last few days have been for nothing as you will end up spending years trying to leave him again.

You think he didn't realise how you felt until you said you were leaving? There are so many things wrong with this I dont even know where to start. Even my DH who is famously thick skinned and doesn't pick up on ANYTHING would notice something was awry in this situation. Please re-read this thread before you make any decisions based on his 'plan' [to change his entire personality so he can emotionally and financially sponge off you for a while longer].
Please take care
BN
x

great post nora.

The key part of what he said is not the plan, but the "for a while" part. It's short for "until you've lost your currrent momentum, energy and assertiveness - hell it's taken you ten years so if I can ride out this storm I might get another decade of Bibi's time with minimal effort".

No Elephants I'm not that 'fair'!!

Well, the grand 'plan' is that he has given up smoking weed. Didn't smoke yesterday or today.

cue tumbleweed through this next bit.......................................

That's it! No other plans or promises. He hopes and prays I will give him time to show me just what a great guy he can be [anry]

Apparently its not just lip service he means it from the bottom of his heart. FGS!!!!!

What worries me is that he wasn't going to stop smoking/lounging round playing computer games like some kind of outsize teenager BEFORE you said anything then when was he going to? Never?

"Eyes down for the fist wave of bullshit to come out his mouth.

Marker pen poised above my bingo card..."

I'd nipped upstairs for a quick read to sustain me and had to bite my hand to stop myself from howling with laughter at that!

If he shows no interest in what you want / what makes you happy, until you dump him: that says it all.

It says: He perceives your relationship as entirely for his benefit, only warranting attention when that benefit looks like walking out the door.

It says: He knows you like roses and a nice dinner, but can't be bothered.

It says: He knows you feel responsible for him, and is willing to leverage that.

It says: He will try the least possible sop to your stated desire.

It says: He will try the sop as late as possible.

It says: He neither noticed nor cared that you were unhappy, as long as you stayed.

It says: He did hear what you said all the times before, he just chose not to give a shit. As long as you stayed.

It says: he thinks you're either desperate or stupid, because he thinks he can buy you back in a few days after years of neglect.

Obviously there should be an 'if' in there, but you get my drift....

what was your response ?

Bottom of his heart, no he meant the heart of his bottom. He is talking out his arse.

What was your reply Bibi

I've been following the thread from the beginning and just want to say that if you give in to him I will come round to your house and kick him out for you. You deserve so much better than a weed smoking game player.

I believe you said you live in Dorset? I'm on the Dorset coast - pm me if you're down my way and what to grab a coffee and a firm talking to.

Sorry, that's just in case you ever feel like falling for it!

... AS IF ...