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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's all about him

1000 replies

BibiBlocksberg · 07/11/2010 12:29

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

OP posts:
otchayaniye · 07/12/2010 10:03

Bibi - it's natural to be sad - you are mourning in a sense a big chunk of your life.

But you came on here (albeit with a specific issue which unraveled to become a much larger one) unhappy and you are taking (brave) steps to make a better life for yourself. Please don't cave because you think it's hurting him. He is a responsible adult, albeit acting like a child (whining, blaming, gaming, stoning, wanting his 'mum')

Good luck xxx

Katisha · 07/12/2010 10:04

Yes crock of shite.you are clearly not on the same wavelengh as evidenced by his belief that all was just fine. He would make a temporary effort but I think it would all slide again.

Original poster
BibiBlocksberg · 07/12/2010 10:20

Thank you! Not sure why I'm thinking this way all of a sudden.

Probably my friend at work this morning (who has a rich and colourful 'smoking' past himself) suggesting it sounds like it's all to do with the smoking and it might be worth me giving xp another chance.

Then I thought,if he's so keen on stopping and turning his life around let him go off and do just that without me being required to hold his hand etc. Don't think it would happen.

It IS sad though after all this time but as you say, that's to be expected :(

OP posts:
believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 10:22

Bibi - how long have you been together (apologies for not reading whole thread)?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/12/2010 10:23

If you went home tonight, never mentioned this again, and pretended all was normal, nothing would ever change. He would be delighted to sink back into the gaming netherworld, which seems to involve a hell of a lot of ignoring you.

Thing is, if he's serious, it's still better that you spend time apart. You need to live on your own for a bit - if by some miracle he is a changed man (he isn't) then he will sort himself out, clean himself up anyway and you can think about this again in a year's time, if you realise you've made a terrible mistake (you haven't).

You are not getting understanding, support, sex, attention or an adult partnership from this man. There are other men in the world who will want to give you all those things. But first you need to "get clean" yourself from your habit of caring for people who don't look after you right back.

StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 10:27

Elephants is right - if you go back, he might give up the weed for, ooh, 24 hours or so? Maybe even a week. But then he will be sneaking puffs when you are out and you will be in the position of having to police him and he will whine and say you just don't understand but he is trying...

And don't forget - the thought of sex with him makes you want to throw up. There is no going back from that. This man is dumped and you will be a lot better off without him.

By the way, how late did he keep you up or how often did he disturb your sleep with whining and pleas to 'talk' last night? Because insufficient sleep might be another explanation for the nause and unease you feel right now.

Original poster
BibiBlocksberg · 07/12/2010 10:28

believeyourtruth - 10 years this year. Two years more than I even managed to admit to in my OP and consequent posts (sorry everyone)

Thanks Elephants, what you wrote is just the job this morning. Will keep that in front of my eyes for the rest of the day when the wobbles come!

OP posts:
Original poster
BibiBlocksberg · 07/12/2010 10:39

SGB- "And don't forget - the thought of sex with him makes you want to throw up"

I actually managed a giggle at that - it's true of course. So really I'm only having a wobble over losing my 'carer' status aren't I......mmmhhh, food for thought there.

He didn't do anything last night, just stomped down the stairs, got a drink and straight back to bed. Lots of sighing but nothing else.

I didnt' go up until I was sure he was asleep though - just didn't want the risk of more talk starting once I'd gone to bed so all tiredness today is self inflicted :)

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 10:47

Here, this will help: if you go back tonight and say 'Oh Loser I'm so sorry, of course I won't dump you,' he will want sex. TO 'prove' that you still care. And then he will do that icky thing that you don't like, that started this whole business off.

believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 10:51

This is painful reading for me but insightful, as the dumpee. Mine is 12 in total. It sounds like you have tried, but he hasn't. My DH hasn't been bothered.Full stop. And, yes, he has kept telling me how the bed dept is of no interest anymore to him (even though he hurt me with that recently).

Will you carry on sleeping in the same bed as him now?

believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 10:54

OP, yes, having sex, gives someone the wrong signals (or maybe it's just me - probably BlushSGB - it is confusing when intimacy happens. It confused me, but I know I am a pretty naive woman and have had to learn the hard way.

believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 10:55

SGB - sometimes, people who are hurt, do pointlessly try.

Original poster
BibiBlocksberg · 07/12/2010 10:57

"Will you carry on sleeping in the same bed as him now?"

Well, I kind of have to since the house is so small. The sofa is also tiny and really uncomfortable and so is the floor (what space there is that isn't taken up by furniture that is)

I could try the landing but then everyone would fall over me on the way to bathroom/downstairs.

OP posts:
ItalianLady · 07/12/2010 10:57

Three cheersw for Bibi GrinGrinGrin.

Today is the start of your new life.

believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 10:58

Is it normal that a couple will carry on sharing a bed when one wants out of the relationship?

StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 11:01

Sharing a bed with someone you are dumping is a bad idea but sometimes it is simply unavoidable (nowhere else for either person to sleep). BYT, are you saying that your soon-to-be-XP shares a bed with you and will occasionally let you have sex with him despite insisting the relationship is over? Because if so, he is not being very kind to you.

StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 11:01

Bibi: if you have to share a bed with XP it might be a good idea to buy some very unsexy PJs...

believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 11:04

Closure, he said.

Original poster
BibiBlocksberg · 07/12/2010 11:11

"Bibi: if you have to share a bed with XP it might be a good idea to buy some very unsexy PJs..."

Pfft, have had that one down to a fine art for years SGB :) :)

believeyourtruth - "Closure, he said"

Shock Shock - what a git!! Sorry, but closure??? I should imagine he needed 'closure' more than once as well?

I'm a fine one to get outraged aren't I but that just sounds really twattish of your DH!!

OP posts:
believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 11:11

Oh, and this is not the first time, either.

OP, if you have made this decision, stick to it, don't give any confusing hopes to him.

believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 11:14

Yes, before he left me in the past, he behaved in the same way prior to it.

I have been repeatedly threatened to be dumped ongoing - but it is just because I am horrible to him. I know I have felt insecure and not probably much fun.

believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 11:15

I really am not a monster, btw!

Original poster
BibiBlocksberg · 07/12/2010 11:18

Well, it's hardly any wonder you're not much fun with behaviour like that from your DH

Pulls you in four directions at once, threatens to 'dump' you and then blames you when for being insecure?

Unbelievable - it sounds like you could do with a thread all of your own to tell your full story!?

OP posts:
believeyourtruth · 07/12/2010 11:21

OP, I totally understand you re-evaluating where you are in life - I think you said you are in your mid 30's and want to have dc, and it hasn't happened in your relationship. Knowing how broody I was when I was reaching 30, I can totally understand this, and also now you have taken a long hard look at who you are with to achieve what you want in life, and how he is as a partner/smoking/not showing any desire to be a responsible, participating partner/making an effort to improve things with you....

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/12/2010 11:22

have you got a thread, byt?

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