It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

hi bibi, just read your thread. you write really well by the way, clear, witty and you reply to every one as an individual.

i am afraid i don't think he actually is upset about losing you. he has lost 'you' already hasn't he? you are not in a sexual relationship, you don't even want to share his week off, (what did he do in that week off by the way?) and time at home he spends smoking or on screens.

he will be losing his home, financial support and an audience etc - and 'having a girlfriend'. but that could be almost anyone, none of which is about what makes you uniquely you. he doesn't love you, just feels comfortable with you.

i can't imagine living in a small place so having to watch computer games/tv every evening. playing games is for children. that would be reason enough for me on its own.

what do you do while he smokes? while he plays? why does he get home so early?

buy the car off him, less money just paid out on it, money previously paid out on it.

leave him. life sounds unbelievably boring.

Thats an amazing post violet and much appreciated by me.

You even picked up on the fact I don't want to be on holiday with him anymore.

Everything as normal here so far, he's gone out to buy stuff for dinner.

Arrrgh not looking forward to the after dinner conversation. will be thinking of all the wisdom that has been imparted to me here to get me through.

I don't understand why you are not just shovelling some beans on toast in your mouth and then simply getting on with it

He's gone shopping in this bitter weather, and then you will be cooking dinner ? Together ? Like a couple ? Like normal ?

You really need to stop sending out such confusing signals, Bibi.

you will be fine, petal.

It's not about him, remember. It's about the fact that your feelings mean that you cannot be in a relationship with him any more.

He can't argue with that, or deny it. They're your feelings, they're in your head. Stick to your guns. Sleep separately tonight if possible.

Best of luck

And don't forget to let us know our bingo score

although AF puts it better, as ever.

He still doesn't think you mean business, love

I wouldn't either.

Yes AF does put it better. For a start I had no idea that normal couples cook dinner together

I am NOT being sarcastic with that btw. Preparing and eating dinner will be the same soul less experience it is most nights in this house.

No wonder I've swollen to the size of a sea cow in recent years

Right I'm off to get on with it now.

Don't do it for us...

soul less

You need to sort that out for yourself not because some internet harpy has said you are dragging your feet.

You're not just any internet harpy, AF. Don't put yourself down like that.

Now - bibi, get on with it.

AF is not any Internet harpy, she's THE mumsnet Internet harpy.

All said in the marks and Spencer ad style

Right, dp's car is coming back, really am off now.

Fame at last ...

was thinking of the M&S ad too

Harpyness is something to which we can all aspire.

Good luck bibi

Well, we started off skirting around the issue but then I couldn't take it anymore and said we need to finish what I started yesterday.

First of all he told me he was panicking all day that I wouldn't come home and that I didn't want him anymore.

I finally looked him straight in the eye and said i want to end our relationship. He asked me why - that stumped me a bit :) said that's how I feel, can't help it.

Apparently thats not very fair and I haven't given him enough of a chance to show me he wants the same things as i do. How many more years was it going to take I wonder?

I don't ever say this but am very proud of myself since everything he came out with I just countered with ' it's too late for me, that's how i feel, it can't be helped and I'm not going to change my mind.

Apparently he DOES want children and marriage but wasn't aware I wanted those things

When I wouldn't budge he burst into tears and sobs which lasted about 5 mins. For the first time in my life crying didn't sway me at all.

Just said, I'm the one causing his pain there is nothing I can do to take it away. He looks pissed off now bit worried he's going to switch to anger next.

Still need to get on to discussing who moves where. Sigh, off I go again :)

You are NOT causing his pain.

His desire to avoid all engagement with actual life and your decision not to subscribe to that anymore has caused his pain.

You CANNOT give him any more years of your life. He can't change. You will for ever be having to tell him what to do.

Well done bibi stay strong!!

Yes katisha you're right, and one of the reasons I'm not budging from my decision.

Cheeky blighter - when I told him I'm not happy he said he is. Well great, thats that settled then

Good for you, I'd have found that hard.

Yes, interesting his definition of happiness. Total inertia.
And all he wants is to make you happy. ie like him.
No thanks!

He'll look back on his life on his deathbed and be thankful he spent so much time skinning up and playing video games.....

Stay touch Bibi. He's not prepared to make any effort, so why should you?

woop woop come on Bibi x

Oh you're all cheering me up enormously! This is so strange, I have NEVER felt or been this calm and determined. Never had such support behind me either!!

He actually told me that he would give up the dope and Weed for me (anyone yelling house on the bingo yet?)

All very noble but too too late. I did say to him we need to sort out who moves out and when which prompted another burst of crying and he disappeared to bed.

Can hear him up there crying but it's not tugging a single heart string. Never thought that would happen. Didn't know i was fed up to this extent myself !

May I just say Bibi, Well done!!

I knew you could do it. I just thought I'd pop in and see how you were since I haven't checked in the thread for a good two weeks. I'm glad you have done it though. Now to follow through - this can be even harder although you seem to have it mastered already. I know the first time I left my ex his tears made me break, took me a whole 9 months and 3 days to do it again!!!

when I told him I'm not happy he said he is.

that absolutely says it all

Am glad the crying isn't swaying you. It's crocodile tears, anyway, isn't it. Like a 6yo child who realises mummy really isn't going to buy him another icecream !

Personally, I would use the "broken record" technique with him from now on. Don't apologise, don't explain, just tell him how it's going to be over and over again