It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

bibi I've been following your thread - and I am plesed that you managed to say something to get the ball rolling at the weekend.

Have you heard the phrase 'people pleaser'? Someone who takes on responsibility for making other people happy, and often based on your own need for other people to like you.

You seem to be finding it hard that 'you've caused' any hurt and heartbreak that he may be feeling (and I deliberately used the word 'may' because although he has said he is upset, he didn't behave like an upset person yesterday). But you are not responsible for him. He is responsible for his own feelings and responses, and he is also responsible (along with you) for the fact that your relationship has broken down. Making your relationship work should have been a joint responsibility. You took (more than) your share in that, he didn't.

I know that it it feels important to be liked, and to be a nice person, and to break up with some one in a kind way. But unless a couple have genuinely drifted apart, it's pretty difficult to split up without anyone getting hurt. I tried to do that in the past, and the only way I suceeded was by being deceitful and manipulative (knowing over the long term that I was trying to split up but not being open about it, creating difficulties between us, deliberately engineering flash points, withdrawing time, attention etc). I can tell you that it achieved the outcome in that we could agree that 'we'd not been happy together for a long time' but it made me feel much less like a nice person than if I'd just been honest.

So please, think about going back tonight and being straighforward. Tell him that it isn't working for you. Give him some options (about how you split, not whether you split). so either you give notice on the flat, you take your half of the deposit and your belongings and you move out in a months time, or if that is too difficult he can move out now. That's it. It is not your responsibility to sort out his life (however nice you want to be to him).

You've made one big step, you might be surprised by how quickly you can get other things sorted once you get the momentum going.

OP, you shouldn't feel guilty (I knnow it's hard not to), but it sounds like you have been really trying/caring about improving your marriage, and, it sounds like you have been trying on your own, and it takes two, one person can't do it on their own.

I am happy for you that you have made your decision and can implement it.

"That's the bit I find soooo hard - knowing I've caused whatever DP feels and not being able to do anything to alleviate that."

Don't forget that he has caused the situation as well and has caused you pain.

OP, you've done brilliantly to get this far, but I am worried that if you give him an inch...you know the rest.
Clearly you are going to have to spell it out literally: "Yes, we are splitting up." In fact, "We have split up."
If you give him the money you will have to give him a deadline: "If you are out by the end of the week I can let you have £X."
Otherwise he will linger horribly pretending to be confused/broke/in need of further trying conversations and hoping to guilt-trip you into continuing as you are.
Send him an e-maila very concise one just spelling out the bare facts. So it's all in black and white, no room for doubt, no need for further talkingwhich is only intended as a delaying tactic anyway.
If it makes you feel guilty about being mean, remind yourself that that's because you are likely to err on the side of being too nice.
You sound like a lovely person, you have the rest of your life to get on with, and this man is just clinging to your ankles slowing you down--and not because he loves you desperately but because he's too lazy to stand his own two feet!

"So please, think about going back tonight and being straighforward. Tell him that it isn't working for you. Give him some options (about how you split, not whether you split)"

I will, venusandchristmars, it would be terribly unfair for me to keep umming and aahing over what I really want. Think it's kinder in the long run to not give him false hope.

"Don't forget that he has caused the situation as well and has caused you pain"

You're right IL, I DO keep forgetting that!!

"I am worried that if you give him an inch...you know the rest"

Me too quiddity. Just seems a shame to have to give up a perfectly good property because oof his unwillingness to face up to things.

I will be able to afford to stay on but he won't, not on his own so will probably put the breaks on moving as much as he can.

Plus I paid for the TV so he won't want to leave his 'baby' will he

I agree with another poster that you want to be careful about giving him the money. It's to be used for a deposit, not just 'stuff'.

Could he go to his mum's, or a friend, temporarily? You just want him gone!

Yes he does have family HansieMom, in fact I am planning on telling his sister and mum that we're splitting since he can get very black and depressive and won't reach out to anyone. At least they can keep an eye on him.

You've raised a very valid point there actually. Hadn't thought of that. Once he has the money he could do/say anything or spend it on other things.

I'd have to make him sign something official as well.

Sigh, think he's going to argue that it's not his fault so why should he leave.

Need to speak to him tonight really to gauge what he's likely to do I guess.

Well if he can't afford to live there on his own, that is a perfectly good reason. If you move out, then he will have to leave anyway because he can't afford the rent.

Good idea re: telling his family. Why not tell them today? Can you email from work? Or call from car before you get home?

Have you spoken to the landlady yet?

bibi at some point you have to STOP being responsible for making his life OK. You are not responsible for keeping him from black moods, or for letting his family know. You are not responsible for how he chooses to spend any money you give him.

YOU decide that the relationship is not working for you. That is it.

You need to speak to him tonight to be absoloutely honest about how you feel. You do not need to 'gauge what he's likely to do'. That is not your responsibility. In any case,m several of us on here could predict 'what he's likely to do': he'll say he can't live without you; he'll look a bit sad; he'll play some computer games or watch films; he'll ask what he should do 'to make it better'; he'll not change anything; he'll carry on as before.

However much you want it - he is not going to say 'Ok then, I'll get my act together, and I'll sort my finances, and I'll find somewhere to live.' If he was that kind of person you wouldn't feel like you do about him. He is more like you to put you in the position of taking responsibiity for finding somewhere for him to live, sorting out finances to make that possible, and still leave you feeling responsible for 'hurting his feelings / ruining his life'.

bibi you started something yesterday - that was the difficult part, don't bow out now.

Bibi, I have this lovely mental picture of you on Christmas day with a glass of champagne and some divine chocolate, cat on your lap, watching whatever you want on YOUR tv and grinning from ear to ear. So proud of you

Nope, true to form I haven't done anything particularly practical yet Elephants.

"In any case,m several of us on here could predict 'what he's likely to do': he'll say he can't live without you; he'll look a bit sad; he'll play some computer games or watch films; he'll ask what he should do 'to make it better'; he'll not change anything; he'll carry on as before"

I might print that off and tick off the 'hits' later on tonight venus :)

ooh can I add to the bingo card?

he'll cook dinner/otherwise be nicer than usual

he'll reiterate that you're his life

he'll ask where he's supposed to go

he'll demand an explanation as to what he's "done wrong"

he'll give you some other shitty concession - you can start trying for a baby for instance, or think about getting engaged or some other thing you've talked about back in the days when you still saw a future with him

he'll then be cross that you don't want aforementioned thing any more

he'll stomp off to smoke (and leave the door open)

that's all assuming that you remind him that you've broken up. If you don't say anything, it's x-box and top gear all the way.

Elephants - I was going to release my inner bitch earlier by suggesting a bingo card

Have added yours to it - was dreading going home but at least this will add a humourous twist in my mind.

Actually, that won't help me with the laughing will it - you'll all be responsible for me ending the evening with severely bruised arms :)

He doesn't seem the type, but another tactic I've seen used to stop someone leaving is to have some sort of "crisis" which the leaving person then has to make better. ( eg ultimately suicide threats etc. To which the answer is call the police.)
Doubt you'll get this one as he doesn't seem that dramatic, but bear it in mind...

mmmh, yes I know what you mean Katisha. Am half expecting something to arise connected to his job which he hates (he's been threatening to quit lately) either that or his back will give out again completely (pls nooooo!!!)

DOn't say you'll give him money to fuck off as he will spunk the money on computer games and weed and just roost, interminably, saying it's 'not a good time for him to move' and 'can't we try again?' Go down this route and you will end up having to have him removed by the police - selfish lazy men will eventually get aggressive when they don't get their own way, because such is his sense of entitledment that you dumping him doesn't fit in his world view.
YOu would really be better off moving out and making him the landlady's problem to shift, even though it is a pain. Because he won't leave without you having to use some kind of force (I mean legal action or possibly police, not kickiing him down the stairs however tempting that sounds).

He is being dumped and told to get out of the house? Is it your house? How long have you been together? Do you have dc?(sorry I haven't read whole thread).

Don't hold back SGB - say what you really think now - sorry in silly mood now which is good since it's nearly home time (dread emoticon)

He's actually quite a tightarse so wouldn't think he'd just spend it all but am going off the idea of 'paying him off' rapidly nevertheless.

I'm hoping that there'll be some bargains out there that will let me take the cats since it's getting so close to xmas.

BYT- no kids involved and it's a joint tenancy. OP is not thinking about having him evicted, just trying to work out the housing situation, and as it stands she can afford the rent by herself and he cannot.

Just to add, he might propose!!

OMFG ItalianLady - that was going through my mind as well just now

I truly hope he doesn't because that really would end up being humiliating for him.

Would make me quite angry as well since it's so manipulative.

Don't think he'll stoop to it but you never know!!

Just be prepared.

You need to sit down and tell him properly that you want to split up and he should go to his mum/sister as you have sorted it with the land lady that you are staying in the flat.

Right, once more into the breach for me. Am off home. Wish me luck, will update later.

ItalianLady - his mother or sister won't be prepared to have him live with them. No room anyway.

I'd just like them to be aware so they can give him a call/pop round a bit more often.