It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

Sorry but its not normal and needs sorting. My DH would probably leave if we didn't have sex for a year.

You have done really well.

Don't stop now.

You will feel guilty about hurting him because you are a caring person.

Does he feel bad about hurting you???

I only came across this thread this morning and have read most of it. You have had some wonderful, thoughtful advice and I can?t really add to it.

But I wanted to wish you the best ? you sound articulate, sparky but also very kind and loving. And yes, this man might not be an absolute ogre, but it is draining, limiting and ultimately pointless wasting all this love and life on someone who is more interested in games (games, at nearly 40?) and weed and having a figurative ?mum?.

Please don?t belittle how far you?ve come. It is one of the hardest, most awkward things to do because it concerns another person?s feelings (however immature they may be). A little prevarication is understandable ? perhaps even desirable as it can help you think even more sharply.

Very well done

Good luck with the future. And don?t look back.

PS. My mother should have got out of her marriage ? my father, a wonderful man in many ways (people aren?t all bad or all good) ? was a classic abuser and followed that wheel someone linked to the letter. My point is she was so wrapped up in the drama (he must love me so much to act so dramatically?.) and did love his good points and looked up to him so much (he was a genius) that she stayed. My point is that because this man dominated her life for most of her life (she met him at 18, he sadly killed himself when my mother was 53) that her life has been utterly shaped by it. Please seize the day today and don?t have your life shaped by this man.

So sorry to hear about your dad, otcha. :(

Congratulations on finally speaking your mind, Bibi. Don't worry about his "confusion" - he's putting it on so he can continue to lalala-not-listening in the face of your feelings/thoughts/opinions, because you're not a real person like him, remember? He knows that if he can make you feel bad about anything, even not saying the specific words "we're breaking up", then he thinks he will guilt you back into staying. Don't let him though, eh?

So proud of you though! It must have been so hard to take the step of speaking out, and LOVELY that you can now feel how right it is to be moving along with your life.

"Does he feel bad about hurting you???"

I genuinly don't actually know if he does. Just keeps saying 'I only ever want you to be happy' and tell me how to fix this.

Trouble is he expects me to be happy happy happy without any input from him at all

It's not a relationship if it's just one person making all the effort and doing all the talking is it?

Have no intention of backing out now but as soon as I got to work I started having a bit of a wobbly and feeling really upset. V strange.

"But I wanted to wish you the best ? you sound articulate, sparky but also very kind and loving. And yes, this man might not be an absolute ogre, but it is draining, limiting and ultimately pointless wasting all this love and life on someone who is more interested in games (games, at nearly 40?) and weed and having a figurative ?mum?"

Thanks very much, otchayaniye I'll remember that.

"work I started having a bit of a wobbly and feeling really upset. V strange."

I'd say that was completely normal, but stay strong and we're behind you.

...just seen your reply Elephants...very timely and true (I think) since he keeps saying ' I can't believe it, I won't believe what you're telling me' and This is my worst nightmare over and over.

"Don't worry about his "confusion" - he's putting it on so he can continue to lalala-not-listening in the face of your feelings/thoughts/opinions, because you're not a real person like him, remember?"

...still find that hard to swallow - that he thinks I'm not a real person :(

You have been with this man for a really long time. You are not going to finish things and immediately feel okay. You are bound to have wobbles. Unless there is something he can do to make your relationship work you need to tell him it is really over and there is no going back.

I have to take the cat to the vet now but will check back how you are doing later.

Take care.

You have done the hardest bit.

Well, ItalianLady I still need to properly say the words 'we are splitting up'

Once the film had finished he wanted to start talking about what I'd said again.

I was too pissed off by then though as it was gone 11.30pm, he'd had since 8 to talk to me about it and I wanted to go to bed.

He said to me 'I'm still confused, are we splitting up or not'

The worst thing is I couldn't answer him because I couldn't stop myself from grinning.

I was pinching my arm and everything but couldn't say the words as was in danger of grinning and laughing while I said it.

No idea what that was about, told you I am a total weirdo :)

So, still need to say the actual words that will break his heart and world completely.

Was thinking of sending a text today confirming my decision but that seems nasty somehow.

Oh well, got to go do some work, give your kitty a stroke for me, hope he or she is going to be ok!

Nobody likes a visit to the vet in this house :) :)

oh, chicken, you're not going to "break his heart and world completely", you would have to do something really traumatic to have that effect. Ban weed from the house, or smash up the console or something.

Also joining in the confirming that if you really want to stay with someone, and are concerned about them leaving, you DO NOT sit there watching some crappy film, and whimper at them in the ad breaks. This is bonkers, frankly. If DP had announced his intention to leave me the TV would have been outthewindow off and we'd have been talking it through, all night if need be.

It's not that he doesn't consider you to be a person, just not a PROPER person like him. So it's fine for you to go out in the ice and sleet to get food, but not for him - oh no. It's fine for you to find the cash to pay for things for him, but it would be an outrage to expect him to do the same for you. In other words, you are an auxilary helper for him, and your role in life is to facilitate his, really. Bit of a shocker I know but that's how it is. Also he is so numbed by weed (I suspect) that a) no wonder he is fucking well "confused" and b) he probably can't remember how he really feels about you in the first place.

The important thing, though, as someone said above, is that this is really no longer your problem. Sorry but I am and very happy for you that you had the urge to laugh out loud at the prospect of being free.

You will probably have to cope with him pretending nothing happened, tonight. You need to make it clear that you will no longer be living together. :( oh no, wait, I mean :)

Another thing to consider and I'm thinking the best of him here is that you're leaving him could ultimately be good for him.

With all his manifest faults he too is probably unhappy (and he definitely is unhappy about the sexual side) in the relationship.

He may take stock of his life and make changes for the better.

I'm not saying he will (he may drift along) but don't think what you're doing is purely negative for him.

"you would have to do something really traumatic to have that effect"

Well, I did think that was rather bigheaded of me Elephants but he acts like that so that's where I got that idea.

You talk a lot of sense, thank you so much. It's such a help to hear these things right now.

Incidentitally, I told a colleague at work this morning that I'm finally making the break and she told me that I'm a really nice person who thinks about others far too much.

I don't know her THAT well and yet she can see it as well. Time to accept I'm not the heartless bitch I think I am

"So, still need to say the actual words that will break his heart and world completely."

"you would have to do something really traumatic to have that effect"

Well, I did think that was rather bigheaded of me Elephants but he acts like that so that's where I got that idea."

He has deliberately done this - made you believe that.

"Incidentitally, I told a colleague at work this morning that I'm finally making the break and she told me that I'm a really nice person who thinks about others far too much.

I don't know her THAT well and yet she can see it as well. Time to accept I'm not the heartless bitch I think I am blush"

She is absolutely right. You are not a heartless bitch.

This man does not want to take responsibility, and is happy to watch you take all the responsibility and happy to watch you do everything. He is not willing to even pull his own weight, let alone take some responsibility for the relationship and pull some weight for you when you need it.

This man is not prepared to do anything other than emotionally blackmail you into believing he needs you and that you are worth no more than this.

You are so, so worth more than this!

God, all sounds so sinister hairfairy but also rings very true.

Think last nights performance showed me that much :(

Just remembered that thanks to MN it occured to me the other week just how strong a person I really am to have been so isolated with so little support etc without realising it but still battling on with a smile on my face.

I try to cling to that and the fact that NOTHING will be different this time next year if I don't take action.

Well, apart from the fact that all of MN will tell me to eff off and shut up cos I'll still just be on the 'poor me' wagon :) :)

Sorry I hope I didn't upset you with the "really traumatic" remark - was joking really because of course your leaving "should" be really traumatic for him if he loves you like he says. But unfortunately his actions show that weed and games and shitty films are higher up his agenda. :(

On the plus side, he can still have all those things after you make the final break with him, so you won't need to worry about him too much. :)

Your colleague sounds nice. Is it me or are you surrounded by people who think the world of you, you've just been too ground down to see it/make friends?

ALso making his main reaction "I only want you to be happy" means that he can wallow in victimhood.
Fine if he wants to coast through life in a haze of dope and screens, but he doesn't have to take you down to that level.
Life is too short to sit in inert oblivion.

Katisha is totally right. Life IS too short.

That was another turning point for me. I realised I could leave now, or I could spend another forty years like that. It was quite a simple choice when I looked at it that way.

Bibi - I have no experience of a partner being on drugs, like yours, but I do have experience of alcholism, and the terrible effects of that in the home/on relationships etc. My DH stopped drinking a while back, and he also decided around that time to start going on 'again' about divorce. He doesn't need me any more to enable him to be drunk. Mine kicked his habit while we are together, and that is the result for me (there have been many other problems too, btw). Maybe your DH will get his act together when you are apart, though, because, that (the habit), unfortunately, like with mine, seems to come before you. Feel very used.

Stop putting yourself down. But you do need to tell him it is over. BTW I get the grinning thing. I just about managed to keep mine in check when I was shutting the door behind my ex.

Do you have dc? I always had to be the responsible, sensible, parent in my situation.

alcoholism - can't even spell it; I should be able to after so many years. Just feel so used and had to put up with such miserable stuff of being lonely with someone who just drinks all the time at home is not ever available, and all the effects of someone being intoxicated have on a home and family. (Lots more problems than this, but don't want to hijack.

I just think you may be doing your DH a favour, and you have decided you will be happier starting a new life.

"Sorry I hope I didn't upset you with the "really traumatic" remark"

No, not at all. Just thought I sounded a bit 'oh get me, queen of sheba, all bow down and cry their eyes out cos she's decided to leave' :) :)

That's the bit I find soooo hard - knowing I've caused whatever DP feels and not being able to do anything to alleviate that :(

Life is too short though, I agree. Also agree with the point that DP's life won't change much - he'll still have all of his 'loves' apart from me :)

I sincerely hope he doesn't have any 'lightbulb' moments soon and to start telling me that he'll give up the dope and the games as I will have to say 'too late now' and come across as heartless.

"Do you have dc? I always had to be the responsible, sensible, parent in my situation"

No, nearly got close to talking about that about twice in the entirety of our relationship.

After all, who needs an extra child when there's already a fully grown one sat in the living room 'playing' :) :)

Am going to tell him straight that I want us to split up tonight.

Had an idea the other night about who moves where etc.

I've thought about offering to 'buy him out' of our current rental agreement.

By that I mean offering to give DP half of the deposit plus half of the new fridge we've just bought.

That would then give him around £400 to start again and might get him shifted a bit quicker.

If he agrees then I would obviously check with our landlady that she's happy to rent the place to just myself.

It does leave DP open to dragging his heels forever more though so not sure if this is the best idea.

Would be handy if I could stay put where I am since it means the cats don't have to be 'un and re-settled'

What do you reckon - stupid idea?

Can you get hold of your landlady today? Present it to him as a done deal if possible: "I have spoken to Doris and she is happy to keep me on here, and I will give you this purse of moneys fridge etc, now off you pop."

Or words to that effect (not mistress of tact )