It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

So what are you going to do now?

You have told him it is over and I don't see him moving out so you need to start looking for somewhere.

Well done bibi. Looking back , when I was in your exact position I wanted my ex to fight for me, even tho I knew I would not stay with him. But no, once again it was all about him. He rolled a joint too. He slept as usual ( all day most days). Once he begged me to stay (in a letter) but he never did one thing to change and he never ever took any responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship.

That's when I knew for absolute sure that we were neve eve going to work.

My advice is to physically separate asap. If that means you moving out then so be it (unless you own the house)

Par for the course, then, eh? I suppose if you split up with a partner who only thinks about himself and rarely shifts off the sofa/bed, then it's depressingly likely he'll react to the news by ... not reacting except to say what a nuisance it'd be for him :(

As ItalianLady says, you can't forfeit your happiness to keep him happy. You've been doing that for years already.

Should have known he'd be the same about this as anything else. No suggestions as to how to change things for the better just blamed me for not telling him what i wanted him to do all these years.

Graciously gave permission for me to set up joint finances. Errrm, no i was saying that MIGHT have been an idea over the years to allow both parties to have more money and allow us to save. Again, too late now.

I am ridiculously happy i finally told him and calm and relieved. And guilty about all of those feelings.

Relieved - I bet!

Don't worry about the guilt, Bibi, that's just the residual effect of all those years accepting responsibility for his feelings.

The responsibility that ... you ... haven't ... got ... any ... more!
No more going to the doctor to see what's wrong with you, that you don't enjoy crap sex with a whingeing groper. No more keeping quiet about what you feel and think, because it's always wrong. No more living separate lives with your so-called partner. No more taking the blame for things he's forgotten. No more measuring what you say before you speak, in case he doesn't like the way you say it ... Would you like to continue?

Try not to feel guilty. You have every right to be happy!

You knownthisntgread gas also helped me an awful lot in dealing with the residual guilt I have, so thank you!

Guilt in these situations tends to be a bad thing not a positive thing. It's guilt that has trapped you there this long. Not good for either of you. Ditch the guilt. Embrace the relief.

This thread I meant

Oh yes please grace right now all reinforcements of my decision are very welcome.

All I can hear is him still munching on chocolate. Suppose there isn't much he can say is there but wasn't expecting this situation.

Going to plead with the bank to let me have a temp overdraft tomorrow so I can get away from here.

How on earth could I have missed the extent of his laziness and uninvolvedness all these years?

Crazy! Thanks again for being here everyone, could not be doing this without you!

([just seen the whinging groper) :) :)

One last thing - the guilt i feel is for the fact I feel so happy now and have to keep stopping myself from grinning and laughing.

Bit cold that in the face of dp's pain (in every ad break btw) :( GIT!!!!

Could someone just confirm that a partner in pain who would do anything to keep the other one would not react by becoming engrossed in an action film?

Hi Bibi

Just caught your update.

I think you can safely say that his (non)reaction to your breaking up with him is your validation that you have done the right thing. There are 2 possible reasons for his apparent indifference

1. he really is indifferent and doesn't give a shit about you

2. he thinks you are being "silly and over-reacting" and that if he carries on as normal you will just forget about it

Neither of those scenarios are worthy of your guilt and your concern about "hurting" him. Now he is going to stop hurting you with his passive-aggressive bullshit, because you have taken control.

So well done !!

BibiBlocksberg, at the moment, his reactions and feelings seem important, and you fear change. Which I completely get. But this is a distorted mindset. ONCE you have left this guy you'll wonder why the hell you didn't do it sooner. I know I spent ages making lists of pros and cons to staying and pros and cons to leaving. The evidence was staring me in the face!! but still I didn't leave. But I wonder is there something about 8 years. All the time on mn I see '8 years' cropping up on these threads. I also wasted precisely 8 years. I should have left after four years. But fear of the unknown, lack of confidence, and having been trained to think it was all about him ... that kept me there.

But once you leave, it'll be a weight off your shoulders and you'll get your perspective back in time. It'll be all about YOU soon. Your life should be about you.

I agree with ItsGraceAgain's summary of YOUR points a few pages back. Agree is the wrong word, because they're your statements, but really, you know it's over, it's just pulling the courage out of the bag at this point. Dig deep, adn do it before Christmas. The sooner it's better the sooner it's 6 weeks behind you, and then 6 months behind you.

Anyfucker, you could be on to something with 2).

The first time i left x, and then stupidly stupidly went back, he later referred to that as my "tin pot parade". That really hurt as I hadn't left him without good reason. He promised to change, to listen, blah blah blah. I was back a month and he was mocking my "tin pot parade".

So OP if you do leave, don't go back. 8 years is long enough to know for certain that leaving is the right thing now.

Could someone just confirm that a partner in pain who would do anything to keep the other one would not react by becoming engrossed in an action film?

I'm sorry, Bibi, that actually had me guffawing out loud!

Confirmed.

confirmed

chrisy almighty, what an utter wanker this bloke is

Thanks AF and Valium for the re-inforcement. def. NOT going back once me and the kitties are finally out, it's the getting there that worries me atm.

Think it might be no 2 in this case AF.

Am really looking forward to life being all about me for the first time in years.

...and grace. :) at the guffawing. Was typing so didn't see those responses.

Yes, you are his life, but not because he lives for you, but because he's narrowed his life down to you (service provider of sex, food, decision-making) and his two addictions,, PS3 and drugs. Without you he might have to do things for himself which requires effort & will. He resents anything which requires physical or emotional inertia & has made himself dependent.

Leave & start living. Just so much is out there waiting for you if you choose to seize it.

Mmmh that sounds spot on kangaroo. he's still saying he'll do anything to keep me but then wants detailed instructions on what to do. FFS!!

Oh and he's just told me he's always done his best to make my life easier. Not sure whose life he's been making easier but it ain't mine :)

Oh FFS you are going to feel SO much better without this lazy, inadequate parasite in your life. So he goes, boohoo cry cry don't leeeave me Iluvvvyooooooo, when what he means is, i don't want to have to wipe my own arse when a bit of whining will make the 'woman' carry on servicing me.
He doesn't think you are a person at all, you only exist in relation to his needs.
Don't worry about him. He is (presumably) still passable-looking at least and will swiftly find another woman to live off. In the meantime, you will be free and happy in a world of possibilities.

Just got up & pleased to discover i still feel exactly the same as last night.

Going to start sorting out my own life from today (yipeeeee & OMG at same time!)

Only blogging events/my feelings again for a minute so ignore as desired :)

Told him yesterday that I can't live with his dope smoking habit anymore, that it robs him of all motivation and inertia and does he realise he will be a 40 year old stoner soon?

No reaction to that, expect I will get promises soon that he will stop. Not interested.

It's weird how this has been brewing for the last 8 eight years (9 next mont) yet still feels like a 'sudden' shock for both of us.

Asked him if he was ever planning on raising a single issue with a view to improvement where our relationship was concerned or is he happy not having a sex life or any kind of life really. His reply? Well, I didn't want to upset you. FGS, so me spending years saying 'it's essential that you TALK to me' etc went totally unnoticed then???

Funny how he heard every sentence that contained the words 'new game' and xbox or PS3 though!

Cannot believe he was happy to pile the blame for various things straight back to me. 'Well, you never did anything about us having savings/joint finances/enough to put a deposit on a house. Ahem, no because you wouldn't go there when I tried to discuss it you twit!!!! He still looks terrified when I need to borrow his bank card to get some cash out let alone a (gasp) joint account.

He's always happy to talk about things, including his feelings according to him. Saying 'I don't know' and then staring at the tv is NOT talking in my book

Told him last night that watching a film is hardly the action of a partner who desperately wants to keep the other one. He was most surprised and dismayed at that. Of course this was my fault since I kept going in the kitchen/upstairs. Not sure what reality he exists in since I was sat there across from him a good 96% of the duration of that stupid film.

He then wanted to talk some more after he was finished watching men beat each other to a pulp. Said he's confused (his favourite word btw) and doesn't know if we're splitting up or not.

Can understand why he's saying that though, I said a couple of times that I don't want to move or try to fix this anymore but not the exact words 'I want us to split up'

Tempted to leave a note in 4ft high letters before I go to work this am.

Well, that's all I can think of right now, will no doubt be back later to my 'online' testamonial :)

Cor. Have just read this whole thread. Well done Bibi. You are doing the right thing.

I should have done the same 5 years ago, but now we have 2 children and I'm here for the long run. I'm making the best of it, but I have been cheering you on for making the right decision.

The entire thread?? You deserve a medal for getting through all of that yuleno!

Thank you for your comments, they mean a lot to me right now.

Sorry to hear you feel stuck in your relationship though :(