It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

don't forget the vegetables!

not out of bed til 3....argh how dreary for you. I would recommend putting on some nice clothes to make yourself feel capable, and being ready to go out afterwards (if he isn't likely to shift his lazy arse out of the door).

at vegetables. Had dinner without them funnily enough. 'steak gate' last night was another nail in the relationship coffin.

Dp gave me still bloody meat which I hate the taste of then barked at me that it was def cooked as it had been in the pan for 30mins.

Insisted on cooking it more for me when i got really upset with being told black is white YET again

Tedious!

You read my mind re being dressed up and ready to go out after I've told him. Great minds :)

You won't be the 'bitch that ruined Christmas'. You will be the empowered woman who ensured her future happy christmases. Good luck x

that's nice, nora :)

How did yesterday go, Bibi?

Well since I'm a giant chicken nothing much happened yesterday. We were having a normal day and he was quite cheery for a change. Just couldn't bring myself to switch from normal to 'by the way, you're dumped.

Woke up feeling that i really really want this sorted though. Am furious with myself.

How come i feel so strongly that I need to tell him yet can't bring myself to physically say it. Grrrrrrrr at myself.

Thanks for asking elephants will post if I manage to find my spine. :(

Meant to add to above that it feels like I'm hesitating since i know all I want is a complete end.

Don't want to try talking about it, waiting to see how I feel in 3 months, counselling etc.

Just want out and I feel really mean for that.

D'you know, I was just thinking "I really admire the way this BibiBlocksberg is going about things"! You seem to have taken yourself through the stages of: maybe it's me; maybe I should try harder; seeking advice; becoming objective; talking it over; evaluating ways to improve things; figuring out what you want from life; making choices; taking action ... right up to the last one. You're bloody impressive.

Give yourself a nice big pat on the back! And good luck with the rest

Oh grace what a nice thing to say. See myself as more of a time wasting ditherer than anything else.

Think I've been feeling this way for years and wanting out but it wasn't until I was able to get some much needed feedback and advice from people on here that its all clicked.

Well am going to finish colouring my hair and then attempt to talk to Dp. Very difficult since I've never said 'we need to talk' to anyone.

He must know somethings up though, surely? Ah well will shut up and thanks all for the moral support!

If you are finding it hard to say the words could you write them down?

Remember we are all here for you.

Yes I could write it down no problem. Cowards way out in my eyes though especially after so long together.

As soon as I've said it though everything will be different, every little thing until he agrees to move out (my preferred option) or until I can afford and find somewhere else to live.

I've only ever broken up with 1 other man that I was in a long term relationship with. But then he was violent so was easier to justify.

AND I'd drink half a bottle of southern comfort for courage beforehand.

Maybe I should go and see if there's any wine left in the cupboard........ :)

Drunk half a bottle, past tense, not sat drinking now :)

Hmm - if you need to say it, but feel more confident writing it, have you thought of writing yourself a few prompts? Bullet points, sort of thing. You can always tell him you need the notes because you're finding it hard to stay focused while feeling emotional. Pretty sure he'll get the point.

Just want to see various options floating around my head in writing.

Please don't buy any more presents for my birthday or Christmas because I don't want to carry on with our relationship.

Dp, I'm sorry but I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

I'm sorry but I don't love you anymore.

Wait for questions as to why and try to explain.

Thats the weird thing Grace I feel nervous but not emotional.

Probably why I fear coming across as a coldhearted bitch actually

Seriously, you don't need reasons. Reasons are for when you want the person to address certain behaviours. "I don't want to be a relationship with you any more" is reason. "I don't love you any more" is elaboration.

I know it feels like you have to present a case that would stand up to cross-examination in court. But you don't. Not really.

Not coldhearted. It's just that you've thought long & hard about it!

Thanks for letting me nervously dither Grace, but I can't imagine dp just going 'oh, I see, fair enough then' and not ask any further questions.

I can't very well sit here and say 'sorry, no further comment' I want out should be good enough for you.

I know I'd hate that. Neither do I want to get sucked into a looooong discussion at the end of which he is left with the impression it was just a chat.

Sigh......had hoped he would have raised the birthday subject or putting up the tree again so I could lead on from there but nothing.

How inconsiderate of him

Right, enough. Come on Bibi, you can do this . The thought of it is much worse than the reality and you will be fine.

Like tearing off a plaster. Go on, we're all here backing you up x

So I told him about 15 mins ago not to buy me any more presents for my birthday as I'm not sure that I want to carry on with our relationship (weak opening I know)

Dp shocked and redeyed straight away saying he doesn't want to lose me. Asking what I want him to do to fix things.

I got quite angry at that and told him that is one of the reasons I want out, always being the one to have to think of things.

He was telling me we could move to a bigger place if I want, me saying it's too late for that.

He asked if I still love him I said I feel about him like I would a friend nothing more.

He rolled a joint and has said nothing more. this is very weird, it's like nothing happened.

I'm gonna have to put the boot in some more aren't I? :(

No, I don't think it is about putting the boot in but does he know you want the relationship to finish? Talking about who will move will help with that.

He's just said me leaving him would be his worst nightmare.

God almighty how can I tell him I want him to move out when he says stuff like that

He could be trying emotional blackmail or he could truly feel his life would be over without you but you can't forfeit your happiness to keep him happy. You have done the hard bit, you need to make it clear now that your relationship is over for both your sakes.

Yes I'm trying to figure out if it's emotional blackmail or what. He's sat watching a film eating chocolates.

Hardly the actions of a man who's upset. He just said that to lose something he loves so much would kill him.

I said describing me as a thing is charming. I got told that's why he never talks to me because I make him look like an idiot.

This is sooooo weird - I'd be asking him all sorts and talking to him if he'd said he wanted to leave me not just ignore it. Bizarre!