It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

He doesn't have to be all that bad in order to leave him - if it's not as good as it could be with someone else, why stay? He might be ok, but is ok enough for the rest of your life? If you're madly in love apart from a few little things he might genuinely be able to change, then perhaps it's worth sticking around for, but if it's just a partnership that's mainly together because you're used to it, then it's not.

You've said he would never write anything like this about you - what if he did, would you want to stay with him then and try to work it out?

Well, in a weird way if he did it would at least be a start with him expressing SOMETHING. Without exception i am the only one who ever expresses dissatisfaction with some of his attitudes/aspects of our lives. Not nice to always be the unhappy nag :(

Just been reading your posts.... oh Bibi, you need to get out....

Just because he's not a particularly BAD man, doesn't make him a GOOD one either.

You are not responsible for him. If he wants to be looked after he should go back and live with his mother!

Just do it. Get out. Simple.

Thanks for reading OldieMum. You're another person to tell me to get out. Can't believe so many people can see so clearly what I am dithering about. Sure I will find myself reading this thread in the future and asking what took me so long :)

What is taking you so long ?

Have you done it yet? :o

just tell him fgs!

Bibi, where are you at now?

Hi ItalianLady,

Well, the more positive part of me would say I'm gathering my wits, strenght and resources.

The realistic part would have to admit that I'm still dithering around and have effectively wasted a lot of peoples time with this thread (apologies)

Every day is different at the moment one minute am determined to tell him it's over the next thinking it's me being unreasonable and he's lovely really. Not easy contemplating ripping someones world apart :(

Sounds big headed but he always says he loves me so much and wouldn't be able to cope without me (makes be feel really guilty)

What has become VERY clear to me is that I am really wasting my time here and that everything will still be the same in a year's time two year's five year's etc.

At least that point is keeping me on my toes and when I think oh, I'll just sink back into angry oblivion' that always pulls me back.

That will probably be the reason I give DP as well when I'm finally ready to tell him although he will probably then make all sorts of offer to change which will be too late.

Sorry for war and peace reply again. Feels like I'm stopping myself from making a move until I'm absolutely 100% sure I don't want this life anymore before I throw it away.

Thanks for listening :)

You are not responsible for anyone else. It isn't right to stay and make him happy when it isn't making you happy. Good luck.

You haven't wasted anybody's time, Bibi :) We all know it's a massive thing to get your head round - that 'cognitive dissonance' between what we hoped for, and tried to convince ourselves we had, and the glum reality. It does take a while usually. As you say, it ain't gonna change through wishing (or singing laa laa laa!) so we'll all be here for a boost if you need it.

It'd be a nice Christmas present to yourself, though ...

Thanks grace and italianlady for your comments!

Please ignore the next bit, it's only for me to jot something down so I can't deny I thought or felt it in an hours time.

It's Friday night, Dp came home at 3 I followed at 5.30.

Dp is busy on playstation has fed cats but done nothing else.

I really want to be with someone who comes home and thinks about what can be done and or needs to be done so that we can both have a nice evening.

Someone who is interested in doing things and going places or happy to at least have a chat over a glass of wine. I'd love to hear what shall we do tonight instead of swearing at the game on the tv.

Dp now would join in if I made plans but I'm exhausted, truly tired of being the one that wants to have a life and trying to drag him behind me.

Our roads were too icy for me to drive on yesterday and today so went to work by taxi. Dp managed to drive his work car though.

There is steak in the fridge that needs eating today. Couldn't have had yesterday as no veg in the house (Dp rules not mine) he hasn't brought any veg home with him so now it's a game of chicken to see who will mention it first.

He will get annoyed if I ask why he didn't pick any up and say he just wanted to get home. I don't want to drive in the ice, still. Dp will get pissed off if he's asked to go out now to buy veg.

Why can't he ever think ahead, this is so petty, i am so tired of this :(

.

"Sounds big headed but he always says he loves me so much and wouldn't be able to cope without me (makes be feel really guilty)"

No it doesn't sound big headed. It's his way of emotionally blackmailing you. He knows exactly what he's doing. It's what they do to keep you, even though they know you are unhappy

"What has become VERY clear to me is that I am really wasting my time here and that everything will still be the same in a year's time two year's five year's etc."

I wasted a lot of my time in a similar scenario. Very similar. I'm now in my early forties, with a lovely, lovely new man, trying for a baby (2 mc's this year) - and I regret every minute I wasted with my ex, after I realised it was over and it would never get better.

I've just read your last post, Bibi. It rings so many bells for me in my old situation.

He is not the man for you, he is not treating you the way you should be treated.

He sounds very much like my ex (except he didn't work)

I am now with a man who

Makes me tea and toast every morning (often in bed)
Puts the shower on to warm up for me before I get up
Thinks about what we need for meals (and goes out to get it) before I do usually
Cooks at least half of the meals we eat
Likes to cuddle up and watch tv with me
Initiates going out to do things together
Cleans if things need cleaning
Notices me - if I am down he notices straight away and does anything he can to support me

I'm not saying this to gloat, I'm saying it so that you understand and believe that that is what a relationship is about, and that you are worth it!

No that's really helpful hairyfairylights and sorry to hear about MC's btw :(

It's about the little things with me as well and they're just not there never have been really.

It's really good to know what other more healthy people
expect from their relationships since I clearly seem to have no standards and then rant about the unfairness of it all. Very therapeutic though :)

I put up with so much crap as I was desperate to have someone to love me and didn't think I was worth any more. I know now they didn't love me. I have the best man in the world now but there is still a tiny bit of me that can't believe he will stay and I expect to mess things up for myself.

I was meant to be saying that lots of us have put up with crap but it doesn't mean it always has to be that way.

"It's really good to know what other more healthy people
expect from their relationships since I clearly seem to have no standards and then rant about the unfairness of it all. Very therapeutic though"

Don't beat yourself up, though. You know I put up with it for years, and years - probably ten years of the 15 year relationship if not more. and within that time I actually married the guy :(

I was/am unhealthy - but I reached my tipping point.

As Italian says, just because we put up with it for some time, doens't mean we always will, or always have to.

We can change what we expect - sometimes it just takes someone very special to show us.

And when we are in a difficult, demanding, unfulfilling relationship it kind of feels 'safe' because it's what we know/are used to/expect.

yes that sounds about right about a crap relationship feeling familiar.

Good to know there is hope though

Using this thread as thoughts 'sorter' again so pls ignore.

Got up this morning and am thinking i don't want to be in this relationship anymore and am going to tell him how i feel, today. It's my birthday next week and don't want him spending money and making a fuss over me when I don't love him anymore.

There's also christmas to consider, feel bad cos I've left it so late. I'm going to be the bitch that ruined christmas. On the other hand I can't pretend my way through it either.

Am so wrung out emotionally and otherwise i have no interest in anything to do with this time of year. He keeps talking about putting up the tree and I'm dreading it. He won't be bothered about the tree once he knows what I'm plotting

A part of me wants to just carry on pretending it's all fine until I've sorted out somewhere to live, money for deposit etc but it's just too dishonest. I can't do it.

This house is tiny, a lounge and 1 bedroom plus kitchen and bathroom. I know I'm the cow that's going to ruin his life unexpectedly.

Obviously will have to deal with a certain amount of fallout and upset,but am terrified of having to see him upset, teary and/or all the rest of it for what may be weeks to come.

Have no friends or family to escape to so only way out is through.

You were all right, I should have done this sooner :(

You could only do it once you were ready.

We are all behind you.

Thanks Italian.

The most stupid worry just occured to me - I have a terrible habit of grinning and smiling when I'm having to tell someone really bad news (yup, I am a total loon but it's totally involuntary)

Better pinch myself hard or sit on a needle to stop that from happening. How sinister is that 'broad grin - sorry DP but it's over' bleurrgh

Ignore ignore ignore these ramblings from a woman on the edge :)

I do that. When I get bad news I laugh sometimes. It is just an involuntary reflex.

As soon as you tell him you will be well away from the edge.

best of luck Bibi.

You sound brave and determined. Mainly brave.

Thanks Elephants - just as well you don't live near me, I might have turned up at your door every day til February :)

DP won't be out of bed til at least 3 anyway so have some calm before the storm.

Off to buy food for the cats, let you know if I did the deed or chickened out later :)