It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

Seriously, stop waiting for an excuse to blow up and tell him. Just tell him calmly.

Yes you're quite right Phipps. Am irritating myself with my constant stories now :)

Then use that irritation to good use .

I will be hear to listen for as long as it takes but don't take too long as it isn't fair on either of you. You know this relationship is not making you happy. Decide whether you want to be or not and if you do then there will be a rough time to get through but once you are through it, happy days.

I dreaded telling my ex but once I did I was so relieved it was over and less than 3 weeks later I met DH and we have been together for nearly 15 years now.

Hey Bibi how are you petal?

Hey Bibi, I thought I'd pop in and see how it's going atm?

How you feeling these days? Still decided what you want to do or still procrastinating?

I just read your list, and all I can say is OMG!!

I'm pretty bitching atm being 22 weeks pregnant and two weeks ago I had a fall out with the OH. He phoned me from work and said "What's wrong?" to which I replied "I'd need to write a list". I got off the phone and wrote the list. It was half a side of A4 (handwritten) but only had 3 points, they were explained so he knew why they annoyed me. He has since stopped doing two of the things on the list (things he did I hated) and started doing the other one (things he didn't do that annoyed me). I wonder if giving your list to you partner would be so effective. I somehow doubt it.

Although reading your list I could have made it 4 things but as much as loading the sink up when I've told him not to (how can you fill up a sink with water when you can't get to the plug? - men) annoys me, for now I'm happy bitching to him about it.

Hi - had kind of sworn off posting about this now since I was just waffling on and on and not doing anything.

Glad you had some success with the list thing. Find it helps just to get the whole jumble of thoughts out of my head.

I just feel like a really horrible person now putting all those complaints in writing.

It would never occur to DP to even think one of those things about me let alone write it down :(

Very hard to describe all of this - I've painted him as a right bastard but if you met him you'd probably find him pleasant and on a general day to day basis he's not impossible to live with or anyting like that.

Hey Bibi - it really doesn't matter. Do you, in your heart of hearts, want to turn into a 40 year old still living with this man? Or be a couple in your 50s? Or retire with him? (Presuming you never get around to the kids)

Every Christmas staring at him across the table, grimly?

What does he do at Christmas, btw?

Yes - what Elephants said.

There isn't any 'test' that someone has to fail before you're allowed to stop living with them. If there was one, the teest would be "Does living with this person improve your life?"

As things stand, we're all free and independent. We each have choices. If you don't like it, you can change it. Remember the Serenity prayer?
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference!"
There is no reason on earth why you should accept what belittles and diminshes you ...

Yes you're both right of course.

Doesn't help that we are currently going through a 'honeymoon' phase I think the experts call it.

Had another biggish row a couple of days ago about his teenage like behaviour during the working week (only caring about he wants which always involves a games consule)

Anyway, told him that as far as I'm concerned this relationship is going nowhere, that what we had left could barely be described as a relationship and listed reasons etc.

Was v. near to bedtime when all this blew up though so DP did a sharp exit left and went to bed mumbling about talking at the weekend.

Nothing more was said yesteday (and it won't unless I pick it up again)but last night when I got home he'd switched back to being an adult.

Dinner was on, no cat bowls sitting around with day old food in them, cats fed, asking questions about my day, being v. sympathetic as I was v. tired.

I know this won't last and it kind of annoys me as well since it shows that he knows what I'm talking about and is ABLE to behave like a grown up when he chooses to.

On the other hand it also makes me wobble thinking maybe with a bit more effort this could all come right.

Oh, rats, written another essay - apologies!

what he wants and games console....spelling is going down the toilet here....

8 years of shite. Few nice bits here and there.

Just to reiterate the obvious. Good relationships are the ones where nice is the norm. You get through the occasional shitty timee because most of the time it's great. This is the opposite.

That is exactly the sort of relationshi I have absolutely no experience of.

I read about people in normal or even great relationships on here and I do think 'lovely, I'd like some of that now please'

And the next breath I convince myself that me meeting a man that's thorougly decent and grown up is a total fantasy. Plus, people like that are very unlikely to want to pick me anyway.

Not being all 'poor' me there but just a case of better the devil you know atm I think.

It is lovely. Relationships are supposed to make your life easier, nicer etc most of the time. Otherwise why be in a relationship? TBH it sounds like you'd be better off single at the moment. It is not your job, or your responsibility to live with and look after this man. You're pulling away gradually. Now just tug off that plaster.

So, what is he like at Christmas?

Are you staying because you're scared of being alone?

Oh yes, sorry meant to let you know about Christmas.

He's ok with me i.e buys me thoughtful presents he knows or at least thinks I'll like.

Dreadfully unmotivated when it comes to sorting out presents for his family and whether to go to his mothers for christmas day or not. Nice food type things for us etc.

I have told him several times though that I am not choosing or paying for any presents for his family this year and I'm sticking to it.

Essentially though he does no more at that time of year than any other. We go to his mums on christmas day for dinner and to exchange pressies then it's home again for more games console/tv.

And yes Elephants, as embarrassing as it is to admit I am crapping myself at the thought of being alone.

I've lived alone before and enjoyed it for about a month and then got really lonely.

Tug off the plaster - lol!

How about a house share? Do you live in a town with students in? House shares are great and a really good "halfway house" between being independent and being lonely IMO.

Ah petal, you know you will never have a decent relationship with this man don't you? In a way it is more lonely being with someone you can't relate to, than being on your own.

Elephant she would find the shared house thing tricky since she wants to take her cats with her. Generally with a bunch of strangers that's a big no. Or at least when I was looking many years ago it was.

Bibi I lived on my own for a while and I really felt quite isolated sometimes. I was only alone for 3 months but with my cat it was company enough, that and the wonderful next door neighbour I made friends with. She was great and I would occasionally go around for ice-cream and sit in her back garden chatting. She was retired and divorced and looked after her friends dog and occasionally my cat when she jumped the fence to visit her (the cat that is, not my neighbour). I was living alone 250 miles away from anyone I knew and expected I would be lonely but I never was. I found such comfort in the internet where I would (confession time) spend hours playing online games. My point is of course you needn't be lonely, especially if you have neighbours that live alone too. I now live in a block where all but my flat are bedsits (or studio apartments of you prefer ). This means all the neighbours live alone so are more prone to spending a bit of time chatting to you and making you feel part of small community.

TRY IT! You won't regret it!

It's infuriating really since I DO enjoy my own company and don't see myself as desperately clingy.

Mmmh, house share maybe with someone considerate (getting on a bit for listening to someone elses wild parties) and someone who wouldn't mind taking on the cats I suppose.

"In a way it is more lonely being with someone you can't relate to, than being on your own"

You know, that's been my feeling for years :(

Sorry didn't see your post there til finished typing the last one 1Catherine.

forgot about the world wide information superhighway there even though I'm conversing on it right now, d'oh

I'd be on MN every two mins going 'I'm loooooonely, pls someone talk to me'

Then you'd all regret egging me on to leave him (only joking of course)

Have to say though, not overly keen on sharing living space with strangers since in past experience that brings about even worse 'whose turn is it to do the cleaning' who ate my last microwave dinner' type of rows.

I'm probably making it worse in my mind than it would actually be. Fear of the unknown and all of that :)

little flat on your own then. Imagine if you met the perfect bloke right now. You would have to tell him to bugger off, given that you're in a relationship and cohabiting with Mr Lazy Bad Sex.

Mr LBS - classic! I love it, will be calling him that in my head now

I lived on my own for 13 years and loved it. Honestly, it's great - you can do what you want, when you want, eat what you want (without someone fussing about wanting a 'proper' meal cooked) and the only mess you have to clear up is the mess you make yourself. Or you can just not clear it up till you feel like doing so.

SGB, your last post explains perfectly why I suspect I'll NEVER cohabit again! I came late to selfishness ... I like it

Good to see you perking up, Bibi. Keep imagining yourself in a selfish paradise ... OK, a selfish little flat, with a selfish little garden for your selfish little cats

I lived alone for about 5 years between horrible ex fiance and current lovely husband. I thoroughly recommend living alone and am fully aware that I am with husband through choice so don't be scared of being alone.