"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Solonely ...i get what you mean.Not so long ago i stopped asking dh "why ?" , when he told me he loved me. Couldnt quite believe him that he did , i was always looking for "the catch".
Poor guy puts up with a lot ...fall out from it all i guess.
My DH has been my hero through all this ...hes helped me see that it wasnt me that was causing how i was treated by my parents.
Hes met my mother and all but one brother and my dad...and thinks shes horrible (i hadnt told himabout my childhood/teen years/ early 20s then). He pointed out that she has no intrest in anything other than herself and her own needs. Now i see that i often tried to sabotage our relationship... again that "doing what youve been accused of". Was told i was unloveable so many times i made it almost impossable to live with.Id kick dh out on a regular basis for next to nothing... once for i did because he bought the wrong milk .wtf??? perhaps i was pushing him away because it was in my head i didnt deserve to be happy. And sort of though if i put him out he couldnt hurt me...id learned love=pain.

... so now ive sort of came full circle and decided that if im happy then its the biggest message to the ex-parents and siblings who side with them that they were wrong.
Someone does love me, he treats me with concideration and kindness and adores our children.
So soloney i do think you can heal from childhood abuse , with the right people around you .keeping away from the toxics is important .
It gives you a chance to see what life is like with only kind people around you . Its wonderful.

Im not perfectly over it , i dont think i will ever be.Right now im sort of greaving for what could have been .I have good days and bad days ...but ultimately i know i have gained more than i have lost.

That is so right droves I spent every relationship not believing that I was loved, and making people jump through bigger and bigger hoops to prove it! I can see now that throughout my life, a lot of people ahve genuinely loved me, and I'm sorry to have been too dysfunctional to appreciate that love.

I look at the amount of effort h is putting in to our/his stuff and know that he does love me. He is beginning to realise that I love him too, that he is good enough and worthy, he still has some way to go on that.

I don't think I will ever "get over" it, but it has made me who I am, which includes a larger that normal understanding of people and why they do the strange things that they do, and shedloads of empathy for people, and a knowledge of what is probably going on under the surface. Such a bloody Scorpio!

My family are losing out on knowing ME, and my kids. I can never risk having them in my life again, distance, for me, is survival.

((hugs)) .... hope everyone has a peaceful day today.

droves, you must be further along than me as I do still ask DH "why?" when he says he loves me. I can't see why he would but he insists he just does. If one day I don't feel the need to keep asking him why I will know I have reached a milestone .

My biggest problem is anger. I thought I had dealt with it but it is still there, being triggered by all sorts of things without me realising it.

I wonder if I will ever be able to have the relationship with DH that we both want. The abuse from my dad really escalated when I was about 10, and our relationship completely broke down and no attempt was ever made to mend it by him . But it meant that we had a terrible relationship from when I was 10 onwards and throughout my teenage years and beyond. DH thinks that because of that I never learnt how to communicate with a man and never learnt the skills that most girls learn on their dads (but of course in an entirely innocent manner) and I have denied this til now but I think he is right.

DD is only 7, but she has a great relationship with DH and I am sure that will continue as she gets older (barring the usual teenage hormones etc) and I know this will be her 'blue-print' in future adult relationships with men. DD is very loving and affectionate with DH, in a way I never was with my own dad and so I can see how she is learning skills, without even realising it, that I never did. And not only that, instead of these skills, I learn to behave in a very different manner in order to survive life with my dad. I was always wary, would never know when he would next blow up, sometimes he would be 'nice' but it would never last, I was hostile and cold towards him for much of the time. It seems that behaviour pattern was ingrained in me at that time and I find it hard to not revert to that sort of behaviour even now. Not all the time, but enough to make DH unhappy and cause problems between us. Although I suppose I must be 'ok' enough for DH to not want to leave me....yet.

It's all such a mess. I was feeling a bit more optimistic about my parenting of our DC's, but realising all of this makes me feel that the poor, innocent little things are surely being terribly damaged by me?

thisis, I agree with you about how going through this stuff has given me a much deeper understanding about people and what makes them tick than I ever would have otherwise. And I also cannot ever have my family back in my life, no matter how lonely I feel. But I do sometimes consider this possibility and wonder if I'm being too stubborn and keeping them out in a way that means I am cutting off my nose to spite my face iyswim? Am I expecting far higher standards of behaviour from them than they could ever achieve given their own dysfunctional, flawed and abusive backgrounds. Would a very limited amount of contact be ok? I just don't know. And then there is the guilt at denying the DC's access to a big part of their family. It never goes away. It's all so hard, it makes my head hurt.

Sorry, have to disappear now, school run calls, back soon, x

I think that the outside agencies such as children's services, and the CMHT has validated me and my experiences so much, that I only ever have flickers of self doubt now......very occaisionally will I now ask, "maybe it IS me?" I KNOW that it is them. The facts speak for themselves.

I have no doubt when I look at my kids and know what I know about my neices, that my kids are definitely better off without that malign system corrupting their view of the world.

It is the system of my family that stinks, not necessarily the individuals, but they have to come to that point of understanding for them selves, there is nothing I can do, but save myself and my kids.

I am lucky too, in that I have amazing friends, one in particular who assured me daily, that it was not me, it was them.

Hi ladies,

Hope you are all well. My mum has been seriously doing my head with the constant manipulation of everything and telling me what to do aaargh...... On Saturday just after dropping the boys off to football she had already rang me wanting a chat, well considering I speak with her every single evening, I wasn't really up to speaking with anybody - just wanting to relax while I waited for the boys. I politely told her I would call her back but my back was already up as I was thinking WTF, I just spoke with you last night and saw you on Wednesday as well.

Fastforward to that evening when I then rang her back and she started by saying 'oh my partner was saying that I should go to sleep early if I am going to come and visit'. I was like WTH, instead of asking if we are free she then invited herself over and claimed she was going to come and do my ironing and oh if it is too cold she will not come etc etc. In my mind I was thinking, it would be polite of you to ask if we are going to be home first than stealthily and slyly inviting yourself over by not asking so that I have no opportunity to even say we will or will not be in. She always does this, assume that every weekend we must see her but we are a very busy family and weekends are the only time we as a family have together and some of these weekends we just want to be the hell alone.

On Sunday at 820am my phone rang, I ignored it - next minute it was the house phone which we ignored again then she called my DH's phone, WTHF. I called her back as I was now concerned that something had happened only for her to say oh I think one of the kids is sitting on the phone as she could hear voices and assumed that we were going out. WTF, if we were going out we would have called and secondly was there a need to ring three phones at 8am and wake us all up including DD 15months. I was bloody furious.

I have a lot of issues with my mum and most of the time I just let it be because I console myself saying that when she was young she made a lot of wrong choices but she cant want to start stifling me with attention now at 34. I have my own kids and husband to deal with without her always in my face. Once here she kept going on and on about how my stairs were filthy and didn't I know that the baby could catch all sort of diseases. Forcing my DS 12 to play scrabble when he was busy relaxing and having some me time. I was playing a game with my DS5 to help him with his speech and she had to butt into that too and tell me how to do it and what to say and when to even stop playing the game. Her exact words were 'don't play any more after this as DS5 is now tired,' when my DS clearly was not tired and still wanted to play.

Seriously, I am getting to that stage where if she continues forcing herself upon us and telling us what to do then I am going to have to sit down with her and tell her that I am not a baby. The times when I needed babying she was gallivanting in clubs while I was growing up and this is not the time to pick up the pieces. She also continuously eggs me on to fight with DH, she never really liked him from the beginning as she thinks I am too good for him, so any opportunity to slate him she is there.

I just feel that after all that I have been through with abusive exh, I just cannot start dealing with being manipulated again, I just can't.

Anyway rant over

Back again.

I made my phone call. Guess what? Apparently my dad has never beaten anyone up, certainly not me.

Must be mental then.

Also my sister is always in tears about me apparently. She doesn't communicate with me but that's my fault for being scary.

Glad I got all that cleared up then.

Lol, bohemia. You got to say your stuff, which is the important thing. How do you feel (apart from frustrated, natch)?

Hmmm. Apparently we have to continue it later but I didn't hold back.

I even just went so far as to go and find my diary from 1993. December 4th was the second time he tried to beat me up, but I told him to do it because I was going to the police this time. That stopped him.

So either I was a delusional teenager who made things up, or they are liars. Or, threatening a teenage girl was of so little consequence it wasn't worth remembering.

I feel better actually. I just don't know how to get past the whole "poor us, you've done us a massive disservice when really we're perfect and have never done anything wrong" facade. It just makes me so that this is the sort of shit they are telling people about me.

Well, I don't know if this'll help you but I just play along with it now. Whenever a family friend asks, ever so delicately, how I am (due to my much-advertised mental illness), I tell them I'm recovering thank you. When Mum tries the "Grace thinks her childhood was abusive" bit, I smile sagely and say "Yes, I do." That shuts everyone up. Mum doesn't get her expected chorus of "Oh, surely not!" ... and people start opening up about their own problems :)

They're only different takes on the same situation - which is: I think my childhood was abusive and has made me ill; Mum knows I think my childhood was abusive and I'm unwell. The only difference is our respective take on the cause & effect, iyswim.

I bet you do feel better for saying it! Congrats :) x

Oh Grace. Same thing here, only my parents don't allude to the fact that I have had depression (as a result of their abusive behaviour) as it's a dirty secret. And they both work in psychiatry, how's that for reassuring?!

Do you still see your mum often?

Yeah, she lives 5 miles away. There's a story behind it: short version, she tricked me into going to live with her and I had to for 2 years. Finally escaped last year but had to get help from LA, hence the proximity. It has made it possible to clarify my views, shall we say, so I'm taking the constructive view that it will turn out to have been a milestone in my recovery

Amazing that mental health professionals consider your depression shameful .... now, I wonder why that could be?! (No reason why you shouldn't mention it, should you choose to.)

You must be thrilled that you're moving

Bofb is classic behaviour from them i think ...denial then turn it around so its not them its you ... for you .
THEYRE JUST TRYING TO MESS WITH YOUR HEAD.

I think if they are finding your depression shameful , its because they know that on some level that theyre behaviour toward you has caused it. Rather than face up to it ...its turned against you (again).

Stay strong my lovely ...your dh is there for you ...and you have that fantastic new home to look forward too !

Hi everyone. It looks like it's been a busy day for you all on here.
I still ask my DH why he loves me and can't quite believe it when he tells me.
I've been trying to create a page for dd's scrapbook this evening but keep crying because I feel so incapable of coming up with anything.

Spent today with people. Made the effort to go out and do stuff. Psych nurse says it will make me feel better. What she doesn't seem to understand is that I've been doing that all my life but get no enjoyment out of it. I really don't think I'm ever going to feel happy. Feeling really awful tonight.
Bohemia, I wish I had kept my diaries but I burnt all of them in an attempt to get rid of my past. Still got some of the poetry and drawings I did though.
Could really do with some good friends around me.

Bookcase .... re your dd`s scrapbook , why not do reasons why you love her ?

Could be very nice , little notes about funny things shes done when little , special acheievemts at school ,photos ect .Little bits of cloth from her babyclothes ect.

Just an idea , but also a reminder of positive things in your life too .

That's a nice idea droves. Thank you x

...ive got a box full of stuff that reminds me of good times ...funnily enough has loads of baby clothes ,photos , kids drawings ect.

I get it out when im having a bad day ...it makes me feel better .

I can't do it. I'm a useless idiot.

No your not a useless idiot bookcase !!!! get that right out your head .Now .

You are lovely , clever , thoughtfull, sensitive .Your posts tell me that.

You can do whatever you want too.

Even if it means you have to wait on inspiration for a wee while , you`ll get it!. .

start with one thing.... what does your dd like best in the world ?.a favorite band/toy/colour/hobby
What reminds you of her?
what would remind her of you ?

work from there.

Sorry, I just can't think. Thank you for trying to help though. I can't get past hating myself. Going to try to get some sleep x

I've had a thread on a similar issue and wondered if I might join. People have been tremendously helpful to me and I realise that I need to work through a number of issues

Thank you for all the advice on the thread btw