"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Thanks for delurking (?) littletrees.
DB has called the airline but they were very vague and basically said it was up to the passenger.
DB and I sent toxic mum a very sternly worded e-mails to which she responded immediately (strange, he was trying to call her first and she wasn't answering).
She said she was sorry "if" she took me for granted by not telling me of her plans before.
She claimed the doctors had given her glowing reports--or would do if they could find her test results.
Then she said if this is to be her last Christmas here "let's all be nice" and "please don't be cross" with her.
In other words, shut up, stop complaining and let her have her own way. She is clearly assuming that since she has already bought her ticket she is coming regardless of what anyone else wants or how they feel even about the medical risks.

Hi, littlestreemsmum x

Quiddity,

Were you there when db rang the airline, have you rang them yourself?

So mother is sorry for not telling you her plans and for taking you for granted, her doctor has no test results to hand and given her a glowing reports (to be fit to fly?), she thinks this is going to be her last Christmas, she wants everyone to be "NICE" and not be "CROSS" with her... seriously she is a classic Quiddity!

What are you going to do now?

How do you deal with someone who just won't take on anything you say, or not in a rational adult way?
Asked what happens if she's taken ill on the flight and there are medical expenses to be paid, she says she will sell her flat! (While lying in a coma in a foreign hospital...?)

I googled the rules on who can/can't fly and they are pretty vague. They say individual assessment may be required--but as I said, so far she hasn't got her doctor to give her anything to show us to say she's fit to fly.
DB and I are meeting again this afternoon to talk some more as she's still not taking on anything we've said--apparently we are just being mean and cross. Never mind common sense, or her having to consider anyone else's feelings.

Was the email/phone call dealt with in an adult way?

I think very tight, firm boundaries, you are only available for a limited time and she can take it or leave it, db has no problem with enforcing this does he, as he manages the one lunch with her during a visit, you can do the same!?

There are problems with that.
She will be in a foreign country here. Public transport is poor, she can't drive, can barely walk and doesn't know her way around. She has a few old friends here but makes no effort to see them in recent years. Has hearing and memory problems, so getting out and socialising are harder than they used to be even if she were willing to try.
DB has already established the habit of being allowed to choose when to see her but the rules are different for me--that's why she didn't even feel she needed to bother to tell me she was coming! She expects to be in my house the whole time.
If I try to lay down new rules now I don't know what else there is that she is capable of doing any more, despite her denial about the state she's in.
Last time she was here she basically sat in my flat all day every day. She was staying within walking distance, I gave her a key in case she needed anything, and wasn't brave enough to take it back after she started literally turning up first thing in the morning and staying till she was put out at night.
As usual I just didn't think she'd push it that far.
All that is why the prospect of having to deal with her is so much worse now.

Are you ok quiddity ? .

Im quite worried about you...in your last post you sounded so helpless .

Please let me have read it wrongly.

Thanks, droves.
I e-mailed her to say I'd been ambushed, but having thought about her scheme some more, I wasn't prepared to go alone with it at all. I told her to cancel her flight and get a refund on medical grounds, and DD and I will visit her at Easter.
There has been silence ever since. I don't think anyone has ever directly told her no before. She usually gets what she wants by relying on people being too nice to object.
DB said he would back me up but hasn't yet.
He said he would call her today, and that he thinks she is still planning to come. I suspect he will cave in as he was making worried noises about how upset she would be.
If that happens I will have to explain that she is not going to spend the whole time at my place, I'm not going to help look for a place for her to stay, and I'm not paying half the expenses.
Being very stingy, at that point he will probably join in the chorus with her about how mean I am.
So I'm feeling pleased with myself for ignoring the guilt and obligation and fear and speaking out at last--but also very shaky.

along with it, I mean

Way to go quiddity !

Proud of you standing up to her !

Your db hasnt found the strength yet has he ?

If he doesnt , then he will have to deal with her .... .

Whaaaay - haaaay!!!

Quiddity, I felt intimidated by your mother! Well done! You're an inspiration :)

Thank you Grace, I am flattered, honestly
Still very worried she may yet turn up and I will have to put on my big-girl act all over again.

DB saying he thought she might still show up has had me on the verge of tears all day.
Having her around now would be especially hard because as I've said before my DD is about the age I was when toxic mum added actual abuse to the mix. I would rather die than treat my DD like that. So I've been in a state of near-permanent flashback for a while. You can imagine how I am feeling about TM these days, even without her trampling all over my wishes yet again by trying to invade my house when I've said I don't want her here.
So even if she does show up there will have to be a new scheme of things, if she were in my house all day I would end up in a mental hospital, seriously.

Hi. Mind if I butt in?

I haven't been keeping up I'm afraid, but quiddity it sounds like you've made a huge step in standing up for yourself!
I've been trying to reach out and relate to people on mn all day but am now starting to feel paranoid that I'm being ignore, stupid I know.
Just feeling so sad, alone, pointless, friendless, hopeless etc, etc. I am imaging people rolling their eyes and thinking 'oh god, not her again'.

I want this all to stop.

*imagining

Bookcase, thanks, it feels like a big step but whether toxic mum will pay any attention or just do what she would have done regardless remains to be seen.
I feel the same way as you on mn a lot of the time except I don't even imagine people rolling their eyes or even noticing what I say, just going on to the next post as if I hadn't posted at all. I feel as if nothing I have to say can be of any value--I don't even know what's normal, far less how to change a situation when you've figured out that it isn't.

The important thing is you stick to what's right for you, whatever her actions.
I have the same problem of not knowing how to go about changing things. I know what I should do but end up struggling along in the same miserable rut.

Quiddity, well done!

Bookcase I namechanged and stayed off here for a bit as I was attacked and called names, not feeling normal now the same as you, I am scared they will come on here and attack me too, that AnyFucker was so cutting, I was so upset, she called me the maddest person on mumsnet! I am crying now!

We can join a club the three of us!

I'm sorry to hear that Mh!
I'm glad you felt able to come back.

People don't attack the Stately Home :)
Though I still feel sorry for the time roseability felt I was attacking her - thanks again for the absolution, rose!

I'm doing my best to go deeper in my own ishoos and, frankly, not getting much else done. Other threads are helping me identify where I'm ready to do more work - I feel sort of tangled up at the moment, so haven't anything much to add here. I always look for new posts, though, and am always happy to see one!

The best I can do for now is offer a friendly smile and a warm hug. Very sincerely meant!

I am too scared to post anywhere else and have been too scared to post on here since under this name!

Nice hug x hugs back x

Can I nip in here for a little?

Mummiehoney and Bookcase, please don't feel that everyone reads your posts and ignores them - I like reading them. Both of you.

Know what you mean about feeling down, and stuck. Perhaps it's the weather. I'm trying to psych myself up to post in "Mental Health", but feel too confused to even frame a question. Mainly about whether asking my GP for anti-depressants is a good idea.

Feel so anxious at the moment. I tried counselling, to deal with various childhood/family issues, and just found it overwhelming, and stopped. but now I just feel worse. Is that normal?

And is it OK butting in here with all that?

I have no problem with you butting in, I don't see it as so x

I have had something not nice happen in rl and it has upset me, and that happening on here also knocked me a bit!

Hugs to you too Grace.
hi mintyaero (one of my favourite choccy bars!) I don't see you as butting in. Counselling can be very overwhelming and it maybe that it wasn't the right time or person for you. It can also leave you feeling worse for a while because it brings feelings to the surface which you may never have dealt with or didn't realise you had.

Antidepressants can help you to deal with counselling and benefit from it in a way you may not be able to without them.

Thank you, both of you.

Any advice wrt what sort of antidepressants?

Was thinking about why it feels so awful, sometimes, when you get ignored/disagreed with. Even though it perhaps shouldn't.

I think it can feel quite terrible, when you offer something from a personal place, or, worse, offer something from (what you know was) a bad experience, with the intention of giving help, and then that's ignored. Or worse, interpreted as unhelpful.

It can feel as though you are left with the bad experience, and all the "first" emotions that went with that: feeling powerless, feeling abused, feeling confused, and so on. As well as the fact that you seem suddenly doubly vulnerable.

I'm sure people don't intend it that way. They're just pottering on in the outside lane, and don't realise you're in a different lane.

yes you are making sense, about first emotions coming back out when called names! x