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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you accept your DH not loving you?

369 replies

iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:00

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 12:39

ok

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 12:46

I think he looks at it totally objectively - there are children....

OP posts:
LeQueen · 19/10/2010 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 12:46

I probably don't come into it alot.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 19/10/2010 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 19/10/2010 12:51

"There are children" and there is a wife... he sounds bonkers TBH. Why does he think you are married then? Does he just look around at you all in wonderment? "How did these people get here, people for whom I have no feelings?"

Does any of this sounds familiar?

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 13:05

I am not depressed but my spirit has been faded with this scenario. But, I am aware of this, and luckily taking steps. It's also a case of never feeling settled.

OP posts:
theQuibbler · 19/10/2010 13:10

iifsn, no, I don't think that he has apoint at all. But YOU sound as though you think he may be acting well within his rights.

If you were unfaithful, then he had a few choices to make about what he wanted to happen.

The choice that he has made - to get married and then spend time and effort undermining and punishing you for a previous mistake - is a bit weird, to be honest.

But I find it more peculiar that you would accept it, unless you think you deserve this behaviour?? That's what seems to comes across in your voice - acceptance.

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 13:12

It is acceptance of how things are in this situation. Accepting that I cannot change someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 13:14

Accepting that they never forgave you and they decided to have a black and white idea of who I am and that will never change.

OP posts:
theQuibbler · 19/10/2010 13:17

Yes well, you may be right. 'Resigned' might be a better word.

I think you need to do some work on yourself and stop stressing out about your DH.

Have you had any counselling/therapy? It might help you forgive yourself find a way forward.

loopylou6 · 19/10/2010 13:17

Wow what a strange thread. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone. OP you're clearly not happy you have had 1000 people telling you your situation isn't normal but yet you're still trundling on sounding like something out of the Davinchi COde. What us it you want?

loopylou6 · 19/10/2010 13:20

Excuse the typos am using my phone

kt444555 · 19/10/2010 13:24

I can see what you're saying loopy but surely she just wants to chat about it. I know she's being a bit cryptic but I guess she doesn't want to say anything to identifiable.

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 13:37

correct

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 13:41

theQ - I have stressed a thousand times more about my H in the past.It may not seem like it, but I am a million miles from there now (hard to believe I know). I probably wanted some affirmation that what I think is normal!

OP posts:
EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 19/10/2010 13:45

It is normal.

How often does he bring up or otherwise refer to your infidelity?

loopylou6 · 19/10/2010 13:49

Millions of people post anon on here why would anyone know who you are? It would be beneficial for you to offer more info as there is some excellent advice here and posters who want to help you further

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 13:50

It's not very often it is brought up. But it will be used, amongst other things, to always be the 'righteous' one.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 19/10/2010 13:57

IMO it is normal to find tis marriage an untenable situation

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 19/10/2010 14:02

That's what I imagined iifsn when I said he has chosen this life in order to have "one over" on you FOREVER. You will never be "absolved" of your mistake, because he has cuddled what you did close to his heart as a trump card and evidence of his own superiority.

Most relationships are not like this, I swear.

Do you try to please him, to gain forgiveness? Or are you getting closer to the kind of indifference to him that he has to you?

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 14:21

EAAM - Indifference is very accurate. Do you experience of this? It took me quite a few years to identify with that word (unfortunately).

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 14:23

I mean - identify the indifference.

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 19/10/2010 14:23

Malificence: Obsessive monogamism is the big problem here. The H thinks that the OP's breach of monogamy entitles him to punish her for the rest of her life. The OP, who has also been convinced that monogamy is the most important thing in the world, feels that she deserves the punishment. If pointing out that infidelity does not merit nearly 10 years of sustained psychological torment, and only an obsessive monogamist would think it does, constitutes having an agenda then I think it's a necessary agenda to have.

ZZZenAgain · 19/10/2010 14:24

this situation will not be doing good things to you. Think about who you were 9 years ago and who you are now.

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