Would you accept your DH not loving you?

[iifsn]

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

Nice to see you smiling! :)

Are you going to show him this thread?

As "evidence"?

Do you think he might honestly be somewhere on the autistic spectrum? (Not that all aspergers/autistic people behave like that, far from it, but some do)

You could employ a housekeeper if you had the money, I suppose, but it's not quite so socially acceptable as having a wife. Aspergers had occured to me also.

No. Both the children are from my marriage.

I have reasons but I need to get them sorted in my mind. Also, I probably take the blame for the absence of love.

There is a tendency for me to take the blame because of 'my behaviour'. I think I have just reacted to the circumstances but we disagree on that.

What I'm surprised at is that at no point you have snapped and told him to get over it. Or have you?

TBH even if you were to clothe yourself in sackcloth and ashes and approach him bowing and donate him a kidney he would still bring up "your behaviour" as a stick to beat you with.

Not only doesn't he love you, unfortunately he doesn't even LIKE you. And he thinks it's his right to create a stonecold home atmosphere without love or affection in it, and continue to have sex with you nonetheless and have children with you.

He is dishonest, cruel, and has ground you down to the point of detachment from your own life. The "watching from a tree" position is not a natural one for those who are happy.

Do you think his behaviour has an effect on the children?

What is 'your behaviour'?

Yes. I have said about getting over it. My behaviour ie getting emotional, feeling insecure .....

Sorry to shout but I WONDER WHY YOU COULD POSSIBLY FEEL INSECURE!!!!

He knows what he is doing.

You have to stop believing in his goodwill - he has none for you.

What do you mean by 'watching from a tree'?

Iifsn

I am surprised you say you are only disappointed not depressed. Living in a loveless marriage when you want more is hell. I do understand how you can find yourself there though. My DH ( soon to be xDH) doesn't love me. When pushed, he will say that he doesn't not love me. Lovely eh? He refuses to give me any affection or do anything nice for me. Tells me my expectations are unreasonable for wanting affection and niceness within a marriage, and perhaps I should even look into why I am so determined to be codependent. ie I am mad. And yet if I don't show enough kindness or affection to him, I am cold and he can't believe I would be so unfeeling. This is a man who proposed and stood up in front of our family and friends and promised to love and support me. If you have not nearly lost your mind living like this, you are stronger than I. Like previous posters, my self esteem is in tatters. I barely sleep. I am a shell of a mother to my children. I am insomniac.I cry for hours a day. We did counselling, mostly do I can tellmy children and myself I did everything I could. It made no difference. My husband simply refuses to love but retains an extraordinary sense of entitlement to be loved, supported and looked after within a marriage setup. I'm getting out before it kills me. Please do the same.

jumpyjack [hsad]

iifsn - you ask why we got married?

It was really because we both wanted to settle down with someone nice, with similar values and interests, and we both wanted a family. For DH it was because he couldn't manage life without me.

I have been in love with some very unsuitable men in my time, wouldn't have dreamt of marrying them. Have also been in relationships with men who "liked" me more than I liked them, and it did seem wrong to me to settle down with them when I couldn't reciprocate their feelings, and yes I let them go so they could find love.

How awful jumpyjack. Just awful. I hope you get yourself out and to a place where you can be yourself, free to love yourself and find someone who will love you for who you are

Have you posted before iifsn about your relationship with your DH?

IIfsn - you've repeatedly mentioned about the mistake you made before you were married and your 'behaviour' as you put it, as valid reasons why you should be punished by your husband, or put up with this crap from him.

PLEASE don't accept this any longer!

I also made a mistake of infidelity - AFTER we were married, which is worse than before. A one night stand which I admitted to DH a few days after it happened. Awful behaviour on my part, but here's the difference between my DH and yours - mine totally and utterly forgave me. We went to counselling to find out why I'd done it, he supported me through solo counselling I went to in order for me to work through similar issues to yours - self esteem, Insecurities, horrendous depression. All that was over 3 years ago, and you know what? He has NEVER mentioned my mistake again, never thrown it back at me, never made himself into the righteous one. Because he loves me, he forgave me completely. That is what people do when they love each other - support each other through the bad times and the good.

Now, the question is, what are you going to do about your situation? If anything?
Countless posters have told you that this is NOT normal, real men don't behave like this. So, what do you want to do next?

In answer, I don't know what I am going to do next at this moment.

Would you consider ending the marriage?

I would consider it maybe, although I don't like giving up, as it has been threatened many times.

I would like to add that not loving me has, very occasionally, been interspersed with 'he does love me, he is not sure at the time if he loves me, stop all this love business.'