Would you accept your DH not loving you?

[iifsn]

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

Yes, I am repeating what has been said. But maybe, those ideas exist only towards someone he does not love.

What has been said regarding love is what I am referring to. Not stuff like shagging women etc. More a case of - 'this is the way I am'...

Yeah I know - those were just examples. People often use the excuse of "I told you that this is what I was like, and you went along with it so you can't complain now". But that's not what he did. Telling you after you were married, having effectively lied to you before, is not the same thing.

What do you think?

Out of interest, do you confide this in anyone in real life?

"maybe, those ideas exist only towards someone he does not love."

Maybe. But that makes his behaviour worse, not better. Dittany was spot on earlier with her analysis of the right way to behave on discovering you don't love your partner.

Has he at any point offered to leave, or suggested you break up?

It has been a constant things that has come up.

But there is emotionally, not logically, a response from two people - one with emotions and one without, I suppose.

I don't know iifsn - I almost feel like so are so far gone with believing that this is your fate that there's nothing I or anyone else can say.

You seem to be examining your marriage as if you were sittin up in a tree with a pair of binoculars looking down on it. As if having feelings about it, like "my husband is an arse for treating me like this all these years and never showing a glimmer of affection!" for example, would be inappropriate.

Well it wouldn't.

Do you spend all your time at home, or get out and spend time with friends much?

How old are your kids by the way?

6 and 9

iifsn - I'm so sad for you. I can't talk for all marriages, but mine is very loving and affectionate. DH tells me he loves me every day and will sit and listen to me talking about my feelings, if I felt I need to. [hsad]

I am talking from experience of spending alot of time being upset and find it easier to deal with it more objectively.

Do you think you will be with him for the rest of your life?

Are you happy about the idea that your children will grow up to see his unloving behaviour as "normal" and probably imitate him.

And if he shows contempt towards you, they will start to do it too?

I don't think alot of men stay with a woman they don't love forever. Realistically someone else will come along they take a fancy to.

So you're going to wait patiently for him to leave you?

Have you planned how the money/housing will work in this eventuality?

I sound very defeatist I am sure but I know a few people who have 'settled' for the marriage they have because of children, finances, etc

It's your decision. If you think whatever benefits you get from staying living with this person are worth the feelings of worthlessness, distancing from your own emotions, possible damage to your children and who knows what else - well, no-one on here is going to change your mind.

What benefits do you get from being married?

What about when your kids have left home? You'll be left with a man who doesn't love you, who's emotionally distant and cold.... [hsad]

I know.

ugh no way. my one precious life, wasted on somebody that doesn't love me. NO.

And my question?

I don't think many men would want to stay with a woman they don't love if children aren't in the picture.

I've heard it said on here that they don't leave unless there is another 'housekeeper' waiting in the wings. That I can well believe

But why do you stay with him? Do you depend on him for money?

You could always employ a housekeeper.

And why would he have stayed with you before children were in the picture?

Is this making you feel better or worse?

Both. But it illustrates that it IS important, contrary to what I have been told.