What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Hi unlikely Thank you so much for your story and advice. Again it is so good to hear stories of women that manage to get away from these horrible men.
pinkhair has just left my house and I rang WA on her behalf this morning. They were amazing. Very supportive and validated everything as emotional/psychological abuse. The WA lady gave me a pile of numbers of support and places to get help that I didn't know exsisted. Sadly I think both Pinkhair and I had underestimated the potential danger she is in physically as his behaviour has escalated since being confronted more by Pinkhair. I think it was a wake up call to us both.
Also the impact on her Ds, as he is showing signs of stress, again something pinkhair has probably underestimated.
Sadly Pinkhair felt unable to talk to WA today although she was sat next to me, but still a great step for her. She has an I.D number now so can ring back at anytime with the 'backstory' as it were.
She has gone home now as her H rang while she was here and wanted to 'talk', he has refused to talk to her since last night and wouldnt take their ds to school (so she had to arrange it). We have the knowledge now that she could potentially be in danger physically, so she is armed with my number on speed dial and knows it is ok to ring the police if threatened.
If it wasn't for MUMSNET I would have never have known to ring WA on her behalf, we really got stuck in a rut of 'what next'.....I just want to say thank you again for all your support on here for pinkhair (and me), it is truely amazing. I even mentioned Mumsnet to WA!!!
Will keep you updated xxx

That's fantastic. Well done PHBF. This is a very big step. Big pat on the bag for you both.

It will still be very hard for Pinkhair quite possibly, because after so many years of conditioning, once the secret is truly out with a 'professional' so to speak, ie someone in authority (WA/police/GP whoever) then it all feels quite frightening - like a ball rolling down a hill you feel out of control somehow.

But like you wisely say it is so important to have a 'professional' to validate the abuse. Then you don't feel that you the victim are at fault or going crazy.

This is a crucial time for PH. Does she feel able to call any of the support numbers?

I don't think she should tell her H anything about calling WA or other numbers she has now been given btw.

I sincerely hope PH is ok.

This is actually a physically dangerous time for her, as you said, PHBF

H will be sensing he is losing control and may react violently out of frustration.

Did WA give advice/warnings about this?

Unfortunately it is almost a necessary step to go through, there is no way he would take this lying down, is there.

So she has to get through this, or accept she is permanenetly trapped and that is not an option

She should ring 999 the second she feels threatened by him and he will be removed.

Yes AF she knows this is a trigger point as he is losing control. She has just texted me and said that he is saying he is very sorry, wants to change and is willing to go to counselling. No violence, no threats, he is calm.
She however is not sure she wants to wait it out. She has asked him to move out while he gets help, he doesn't want to go. Wants to try, wants to get help, says it is all his fault.
When I was on the phone to WA I did ask if men actually went on the 'perpertrator programme' she gave details about and does it work......She said some men do actually realise their behaviour and do go on the counselling although, statistically, are more likely to become violent than get help.
Pinkhairs H has said today he realises he "has been an arsehole" and will get help. Pinkhair is being cautious...
Any experience or knowledge of any men that have actually been to this kind of counselling would be interesting...
In the mean time I suggested that Pinkhair asks H to move out while he gets counselling and if he doesn't that she continues to get professional help in secret so she has the option to leave at any point.

To be blunt, nope, the perpetrators/anger management courses have very poor outcomes. Many abusive men go on them to 'pretend' to the world at large and their partners that they are serious about getting help.

PH's H sounds a candidate for it not working in the slightest.

But I am not a professional and am only giving my opinion from seeing friends partner's doing such courses.

I don't think PH shouold have to do anything in secret.

She needs to get her H to leave the property, counselling or no counselling.

He is a sly manipulative abuser.

I can't remember, what is her MIL like? Does she still idolise her son, and where is her H's dad? Are they alive?

Doubt she could get back up there tbh but just asking

PHBF - My H has been having individual therapy weekly now for over a year... (as have I).

It's extremely expensive where I am (not UK), but I was not prepared to accept anything less from him and he knew this.

H initially went along just to shut me up (he's admitted so) but then realised that he might as well just be completely honest with his therapist. As a result of his commitment to the process (and mine) it has made a difference to our home lives and our relationship together.

And he is not sorry. He is not sorry at all.

Classic.

Cycle of abuse.

I might ring WA myself and ask if they do Pattern Changing in your area. PM me with which part of N you are in xx

newname I am very happy and glad to hear this. Hats off to your DH.

But the WA woman was spot on when she said that many men simply get more aggressive and learn even more tactics to bully and threaten in far more insidious ways, after going on the course.

UA - I knew this when I confronted H about his behaviour. That's why I personally felt it had to be therapy or nothing else.
Like most abusive men H had a very unhappy childhood - separated parents - abusive father that he detests, alcoholic mother (dead now as a result) etc.
It was only when he realised that he was acting like his father that the penny dropped for him.

I won't lie - it's been a tough old slog to get to this stage and we're not out of the woods yet (hence the H, not DH).

You have given him a wonderful gift newname if he can go the full mile and turn himself around. For his family and wife's sake as well as his own.

Hats off to you too. It is a slog. It takes a long time to really come to terms with and alter any type of learned pattern. I wish you both strength and honesty. x

Any adivice about how you find the strength to get out?? When someone has worn you down for so long and makes you feel it's all your fault, how do you make the break???

In my case, I went travelling (as part of my degree, I spent a few months abroad). Funnily enough, before I went, ex said to me that I would probably break up with him. I didn't know what he meant at the time, but looking back, I know why now.

I thought I'd pine so much without him by my side (ha!) but as time went on, I realised that I was really enjoying myself, and started to realise I wasn't the horrible things he was calling me, and I also started meeting new people, getting my independence back and not feeling like I was going round the bend.

I think meeting new people was the crux for me (I also visited some friends who lived in SE Asia) and I started to open up about my relationship - my friends were horrified and were the first ones to say, "NO! That's not normal or reasonable behaviour!" and even though I wasn't telling strangers the whole story, I remember talking to a new friend on the beach, and he said, ''I hope you don't mind me saying, but I'm not actually convinced you're that happy'' - he was totally right and turned out to be a good mate.

So I summoned up the strength to leave, because I had lots of people backing me all the way - and I didn't realise how lonely and isolated I had been in my relationship. And I guess I had made some new male friends - looking back, this was important. Not because I had any kind of relationship with them like that, but because I learned what truly good men are like.

I know pinkhair's situation is different, but I found the support of other people so beneficial. They don't even have to know the in and outs of your relationship, but to be in the company of people who value you as a person is worth its weight in gold.

I know PHBF has filled you in with a few details of what happened when i went home, i spoke to h and he has admitted that he has a problem with his anger but doesn't know why, he has said that he doesn't want to lose me or our ds, he has spoke about councilling but when he was talking about it there seemed to be no emotion, were as last time we had words and he was about to leave he cried his eyes out....not this time though.

He is seeing the doctor tomorrow as he reckons he is depressed, but after talking to phbf, we think that he might try and get some pills and then think that everything will be ok. but i have called my doctor up and spoke to her as she knows my situation and pre warned her that i think he might try and pull the wool over your eyes, i explained again how he is to me and our ds.

All of you on here have been amazing to me, with all your support and advice.

I also said to h today that i would give him one more chance, but i really dont know if i want to go down that road, but feel if i dont i will always wonder well what if maybe i had, would things have got better.

When PHBF phoned WA on my behalf i did feel scared and it all now seems so real, where as when i'm on here talking about it, i can pretend its not happening to me, (if you understand what i mean) i can pretend its somebody else....

I have my works xmas party to go to on saturday night and its bring your partners along, now usually h would say oh no i'll stay at home and look after our ds, i'm not the party person, dont like dancing etc, but he wants to come this year, but i'm so hoping i can tell him i dont want him to be there as i will be on edge the whole night, watching my every move incase i do something wrong, and cos of my back op i cant drive yet which means he will have to drive, and i can see him now sitting in the corner sulking and bored cos he cant have a beer.

pinkhair Please read the thread named emotional abuse - what, if any "treatment": can help? And just see how far you have come. Don't start backing down now......stay strong and remember to start recording in a diary the things he has said and done recently......especially to ds.
Think long and hard about this "one last chance", you owe him nothing now, he is abusing you, you owe your son everything xxxxx

PH, like I said upthread, I really, truly believe you are making a mistake

I think you got so far, and then to back down now just adds fuel to his fire and gives him extra leeway to abuse you as you have to swallow so much shit in order to appease him

Having said that, we are here

we are always here

You have always accepted our comments and tried to take them on board

So I wish you luck and a shoulder to cry on if ever you need it

PHBF- i have read that thread you suggested, and i do agree i have come along way, i feel there is still one hell of a ay to go as yet too, trouble is you say i dont owe him anything but i feel i do, i feel i owe him this chance, and proberly another and another cos when i see him i start to back down, i try and stay strong but when im here alone its so hard.

When i spoke to him this morning i did stay strong and was quite forceful, but i know he will come home tonight all lovey as though nothing has happened, and if i bring anything up on the subject it will get pushed to one side.

I know all of you give advice, but how many of you out there think i have given him more than enough chances and this should be it, final, over, without even trying councilling....please be honest!!!!

I just said it, ph

After our chat earlier tonight and talking and seeing how your ds has been, seen and repeated (in your own words).....And as I have said before, I think he has enough chances.

I do think you should leave him to sort out his shit, like a grown up and on his own.

You NEED to get out, get help and protect you ds from this cycle of sheer and utter crap.

You know this though and you have said again and again how much happier you would be on your own. Take your own advice.

Ok thank you both for your advice but......where do i go??????? i have no where i can go, i have to put my son first and that means geting him to and from school etc, and as it looks like h is not going to go i have no choice but to stay and hope h does change for both our sakes.

ph, not quite sure how to say this but..

you have to stop being swayed by whoever you are talking to at the time

when your are with your H, you are swayed by him

when you are on here, you want to do what we say

it does not matter what he, or us, think you should do

what do you want ?

somewhere to go ?

if you have no family/friends to stay with, you must pluck up all the courage you have in the world and speak to Women's Aid

they cn help you leave, but you must be in a position to accept it

I feel you are not, while you still think your H can come through and suddenly turn into a nice bloke

until you stop believing that, you are there for the foreseeable future

Pinkhair, you know you can stay with your parents and your H has said he will go after Xmas (I know this may not happen, but you could push the idea of him going to his parents as he has suggested). You could actually stay with your parents from next week when ds breaks up from school for a few weeks at least.
You need to speak to WA to sort out finances as H is also financially abusive towards you (all payments including mortgage conviently come out of pinkhairs account). When you have got advice only then will see a way forward, they said to me today this can be sorted. At the moment you are putting obstacles in your own way.

AF is right in what she says, you need to accept this help and answer those questions before any thing will change.

AF i'm not being swayed by anyone, i just want to make the right choice, and i dont know what that is..stay or go.. there is so much to consider and its not going to be easy i know that, so what ever i decide to do has to be the right thing, maybe i need longr to think about things in my on head for a while.

But as we said today for what reason would you stay????

Its hard to explain, but when im here alone waiting for him to come home, i feel sorry for him....please dont ask me why cos i dont know, maybe my heart is too big, and i dont like hurting people.