What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

You're not hurting him, you are getting away from an abusive man, he is incapable of showing love. It is not your responsibility. Your heart is not too big, because you are not loving yourself or protecting your ds. You sound like a dependent victim.

What about how he hurts you and DS.....I guess that is not as important as his tantrums or what he wants.

:(

pinkhair he is an adult. He may be hurt, probably angry that someone has taken the control from him, but he's grown up enough to look after himself.

I know exactly what you're going through - I felt so utterly sorry for my ex when I broke up with him - and he put on a pitiful Oscar-winning performance to manipulate me.

Take it as a reflection that you're a caring person who is concerned about the welfare of others - has he shown you the same kindness and respect? And if not, why does he deserve it now?

I know how hard it is to leave, i know how easy it is to give them another chance, then another and another.... It took me a long time to actually go, but they day we left I felt such relief.

If you don't feel ready to leave yet, I'd really recommend the Freedom Programme - I looked up the Norfolk Family Justice Council and it was listed there.

I found it really helped to hear other women talking of their experiences - to hear how all their partners said exactly the same things to them, behaved the same way... from feeling constantly confused and wondering if maybe it was down to me I realised it was him.

PH - Did you read my posts? did you see the bit that said "Yes sometimes I did feel sorry for him, his dad had abused his mum so he hadn't had a good role model and I thought I was capable of changing him, making him a better person, if I just didn't do all the things that annoyed him maybe he would love me and treat me better, next time I'd do it better and then he would be grateful instead of angry. He was always so sorry and would be nice to make it up to me "

Bottom line is do you want your ds to grow up and treat his wife the way his dad treats you if the answer is no then leave now. my ex wasn't very old when his parents did eventually split but it was enough to make an impact on his behaviour. he was only 20 when I met him but already it was too late to change him.

I would do as your friend suggests and go to your parents over xmas without him, while you are there, enjoy the freedom, think about schools your ds could go to if you did move etc.

the only person with power to change this is you. I KNOW it is not easy and for me to type the words seems so easy BUT I do understand the need to leave even if I don't understand how you have stayed for so long.

Well h is home from work, came in as though nothing was wrong, I asked him what he was going to ask the doctor tomorrow and he said that he needs help with his anger, but as for him controlling me he doesn't see that at all, I showed him about gaslighting that I was told about and he said yes I can relate to some of that, meaning thats what I do to him...he then turned round and said that if things go wrong for us then he is not the one who is going, it will have to be me, cos he said his work is just up the road and he is not moving for anyone.

Your fighting a lost cause Pinkhair. I have been lurking but not posting on this thread. Your last post shows that he has no intention of changing and does not think he is in wrong at all.
You need to leave l would say he has blown his last chance

Classic bullying, abusive, controlling behaviour, turning it around saying that is how you treat him the fucking cheek of him!

Please go and see a solicitor asap, CAB, ring WA, there is so much support as well as us on here. YOU do NOT have to put up with this, you do not deserve this treatment

The lucky thing for my situation was that I wasn't tied to him regards money dc's etc but even if I had of been I would still have left him, I would have fought about the money/ house etc later once i'd had time to become stronger and happier.

You cannot become stronger and happier whilst you are dealing with this everyday shit it is too draining and he can see how he affects you which helps him to control you.

Eventually you will learn to not let him control you, you will learn the only time he has any say over you is when you let him.

I can't remain on this thread now, because I'm finding it too upsetting to think of your poor son pinkhair, so I'll stay away for now and wish you luck.

One final piece of advice. Do not show your H material like the gaslighting piece EVER again. This just puts you and your son in more danger. A shiver actually went down my spine when I read that you had, hence my departure.

I know that if I stick around on this thread, I am going to get more and more angry about a child not being protected, so I will take my leave and hope to god that someone starts putting that little boy first.

Sometimes I find it hard too, I agree with WWIFN..... I feel this week Pinkhair your H has been treating me badly too (as I have said to you in RL). I am exhausted. I can't imagine how you and your ds feel....You put up with his crap all day, everyday.

What a spoilt selfish bastard. Your DH sounds like a total wanker! - tell him to piss off so you and your ds can be happy.

PH, it feels to me now that you are deliberately sabotaging the small steps you have made towards some sort of understanding about how you are being abused

you showed him information on gaslighting and then took it when he said he recognised you in the text ???

and you still want to give him another chance ?

love, find the book "co-dependent no more" and read it cover to cover but for fucks sake don't show it to him

you are giving him a fucking gift every day.... the tools to beat you with

My best friend actually stopped contact with me for 3 months because I refused to leave my ex. At the time I wondered how she could do that at a time I needed her most but in hindsight I see that it was hard on her too and in fact was part of what pushed me to end it because I loved her far more than I loved him, she made me choose and I'm still best friends with her now and have been since I was 12.

WWIFN- I am so sorry, I read out what it said about gaslighting cos I could not get through to him, he kept saying to me that I dont treat you bad, I dont play with your mind, im not controlling you, and I just thought what can I do to make him see sense, so I just read it out and was gobsmacked when he turned round and said yes I can relate to you doing that to me, I didnt realise I couldn't show him stuff like that. I am really sad too as I find your posts on here really helpful. Once again i'm saying sorry to all of you on here who has supported me if I have messed things up :-(

lmg...what your friend did was a very, very risky gamble

it turned out ok with you, but could just as easily have made you cling to your abusive partner even more strongly "us against the world"

PH...you have to accept that you cannot "get through to him"

he will never accept and admit he is wrong other than empty platitudes just to shut you up for a couple of days

he doesn't really accept he has been mean to you, he doesn't really mean he will go to counselling and properly listen etc, it is all a smoke screen to keep you guessing and make you stay

in fact, the way he has twisted the gaslighting stuff back to you, convinces me even more that counselling is the wrong way to go...he will just learn new and more sophisticated ways to fuck your head up

Just think Pinkhair.....People you don't know on an anonymous website called Mumsnet have more concern for you and give you more support and respect than your "husband" does.

I just hope the comments he made about the Gaslighting makes you see what you are up against. It is impossible to make him see sense so don't even try. IT IS DANGEROUS. HE is dangerous.

You can't fix him, so stop trying. You can fix yours and DS's LIFE....without him. Give your 'big heart and big love' to your ds and yourself.

lovemygirls Pinkhair and I have been there with the arguments, believe me. It is very hard to sit and watch a friend and child you love being abused. It is consuming and has quite an effect on my life. Which I don't mind btw, but there has to be a limit, we have been at this point (high levels of abuse and distress for Pinkhair) for well over a year now.

I guess there may come a point in the future when I have to let Pinkhair sort out her life without me as it makes me so angry and upset. I can't change her can I??! Her H sometimes blames me for their problems, which I actually find quite difficult too. I don't want to be angry at Pinkhair, it is the last thing she needs. These are discussions Pinkhair and I have had in the past, so I am not revealing anything new to her here btw.

Without me I mean with the support of other friends. She knows I will always be there for her if she decides to leave.

AF~ I know what you mean about the risk, but this doesn't seem to be the case with pinkhair and her H so far. I do understand the risk and this has upset me greatly in the past. Although I do have to think about my own involvement, mental health and my family's wellbeing.

If I have had a "break" (because we usually have daily contact) from Pinkhair because she has decided to give it a go with H (I mean no contact with Pinkhair over a half term break because I needed to distance myself for a bit), she has actually found strength and actually come to me and said "I need to get out".

phbf, whatever you did I would trust that you had thought it through

I was just getting the thought out there, I did not think for one moment you hadn't considered the impact on PH against the emotional energy you are expending yourself (and you have your own problems to deal with too)

you sound like a fabulous friend

Thank you AF ~ That really means a lot. It is sometimes difficult to feel like a good friend when it makes me feel so angry

Pinkhair is obviously very needy at the mo and I offer her usually daily support in terms of texts, chats and doing jobs that her H should be doing. Then he blames me for inteferring.

Firstly can I say i'm sorry to PHBF, I know you have always been there and I know you always will, and if you need to distance yourself then I completely understand as I have said before. X x
Also my h has now said that he is not going to the doctors to talk to them today as he has not got a problem, he has said the problem is with me, he says I am more depressed then I think I am and it is me who needs to sort myself out and get help. so everything that he said yesterday to me was a lie.

Firstly can I say i'm sorry to PHBF, I know you have always been there and I know you always will, and if you need to distance yourself then I completely understand as I have said before. X x
Also my h has now said that he is not going to the doctors to talk to them today as he has not got a problem, he has said the problem is with me, he says I am more depressed then I think I am and it is me who needs to sort myself out and get help. so everything that he said yesterday to me was a lie.

pinkhair

Everything this abusive man has told you is a load of old bullshine designed to keep you both acquiscent and quiet.

Your man is is also not above projecting all his crap onto you (like what he has told you for instance).

For your sake as well as your child's I hope you find it within you to set yourself free of this man before he systematically destroys you both completely. His abuse is deliberate; he is doing it also because he wants to and he can. Abuse is about power and control - he wants that over you completely.

You yourself talking to Womens Aid would be a good starting point.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship. You certainly have not and this relationship has been abusive for I would think many years now.

pinkhair

You need your friend but she can do only so much to help you. You have to help yourself and to want to take that first step out.

You have to make that first, and some would say the hardest leap, out of this dysfunctional abusive relationship. Only you can do that but you have a groundswell of support from both your good friend and these people who have taken their time to comment on your problem to encourage you.

Go on pinkhair pick up the phone and ring WomensAid now while you are annoyed about him refusing to go to the doctor.

Although even if he had gone there isn't a prescription in the world that will stop someone being an abusive pillock!