What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Well he was lying to you pinkhair! He doesn't want to live in Norwich, any more than he wants to live in Afghanistan! All he's doing is trying to unsettle you and sadly, it's worked again, hasn't it?

I'm so sad that you are rolling over again. As a compromise, can you promise me you will do just one of the following things?

Ring Women's Aid in the company of your friend, so that she can stop you if you minimise this.

Go to your GP with your friend in attendance again, tell him/her what is happening and accurately express your fears for your mental health.

Please?

WWIFN i'm aleady on antidepresents and i hate to think what i would be like if i wasn't on them. when i talk on here i think right thats it i can do it, but no its getting closer to when h is coming home and im now craping myself cos i dont know what to expect, his he going to ignore me or shout and go mad, i feel like im walking on egg shells, im sorry WWIFN if im messing you around, it is the last thing i want to do, you have been so helpful, im just so confused and scared out of my mind.

Thanks again WWIFN. Pinkhair has e mailed me tonight feeling really really down. We have planned to spend the day together tomorrow, I'm taking her to Norwich, picking up a better wheelchair and heading out for a girly day.
I also suggested ringing Womens Aid on the phone earlier today, but I think PInkhair thinks it's not bad enough...correct me if I'm wrong Pinkhair. I think we should ring tomorrow morning.
It is hard to support someone in this situation, I can only give Pinkhair as much as I can (I am also going through a very difficult time in my own marriage as my H had an affair) and if there is any advice to anyone else that has supported someone going through this, I would be very grateful!!!
It is easy for me to say 'leave him' till I am blue in the face, but I haven't been with my husband for 20 odd years!! How can I help her find the strength??

anyone would think that i would be happy that it looks like this marrige is over, so why is my heart strings being pulled in all directions and im so low and sobbing my heart out.

so sorry for the last thread, my head is all over the place, i'm going to get things sorted with pinkhairsbestfriend tomorrow, but like she said she has enough on her plate let alone mine to, i have got to somehow stand on my own two feet find the strength and do something about it.

it's going to be bloody hard but if i'm going to do this and survive then strong is what i must be.

PH, you absolutely do not have to apologise to us

You are not letting us down

Your confusion and distress is totally palpable and I am about 200 miles from you (or thereabouts)

Take your time to think about what you really, really want x

I suspect you will say you want H to turn into a nice bloke, but it isn't going to happen x

Thank you AF
All of you on here and so very kind, supportive, helpful, and honest. Thank you all again. xxxx

We ain't going anywhere. x

Hello again pinkhair

I've been wondering what happened to you, as you disappeared..

You talked about counselling for YOU before,i still think that would be such a big stepping stone...

But i tell you one thing,you have an amazing friend beside you!! and they are like gold dust!-she can see your situation clearly in RL everyday circumstances, much better then we can, in a way.. Please listen to her,value her opinions,and believe that with such a friend helping you,you can achieve real changes!

You can really help and support each other!

Thank you all. Thanks jellycat
pinkhair has been a great friend to me too. I am soooo glad she has had so much support here, as it is difficult for me to support completely in the way she needs at the mo. Mumsnet has been absolutely invaluable to Pinkhair in recognising her h's behaviour and getting support. That helps me support her too as everyone here is saying the same as me really. xxx

PHBF So sorry to hear about your own problems. Have you posted about it?

I recall from a thread on here a while ago that a supporting friend called Women's Aid herself, so if pinkhair cannot bring herself to make that call (but please try, pinkhair) then you can call for advice as her supporter. In fact, since pinkhair rightly trusts you, she knows that you will report back the advice Women's Aid give you. I can promise you this, they will not minimise it or say that this is not serious abuse.

Sometimes it needs an outside agency to validate what is happening. I genuinely think that this will be a valuable first step, more important in fact than counselling. Women's Aid can also give practical advice about getting out of the relationship safely and with economic independence. I'm assuming you haven't told your GP the full story pinkhair? Would you be able to do that now?

Taking that first step is the most important one of all. You have come so far, pinkhair don't give up now.

Hello to all of you, an update on my situation, me and h spoke again today and he has said that he is willing to give councelling a go, not sure where that has came from but..... Also he has now changed his mind about christmas and it willing to stay over my parents on xmas eve and spend xmas day they together as a family. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this, its like one minute he is being am arsehole and the next a saint, i'm scared incase it all goes wrong and its just pretend. Do I give councelling ago or do I walk away without even trying. And by the way I had the most fantastic day with PHBF I have never laughed so much, it was just what we both needed.

I am sorry, PH, I want to just bump this for you as it may have disappeared off active conversations

I think you are making a mistake.

I think he is giving a little bit, just enough to keep you there.

I think you will be back to this thread before Xmas is over.

I don't know what else to say, only that you should keep posting and keep talking, even if what you hear back is not necessarily what you want to.

Good luck x

Hmmmmmmm not sure about the counselling thing either tbh. I suggested to pinkhair that she might want to give it a go. Only as it might give her MORE insight into his behaviour and if she does still decide to walk away, she will at least have more insight into him as a person and his behaviour. Not sure if this is right??? I also felt that Pinkhair desperately wanted counselling a few weeks ago and now that he has decided to give it a go she could at least all his bluff and book it?? In the best circumstances of course, counselling will change his life and he will suddenly become a counselling addict and make huge changes?????
I wasn't aware of the Xmas thing till just now so obviously he is backing down again as Pinkhair said she would go without him....another first.....It is becoming an interesting pattern/script when she stands up to him..
Pinkhair: we arranged to do this/want to do to this/ds wants to do this
Him: I'm not doing it/dont want to/f* off/ etc etc
Pinkhair: I'll go on my own then
Him: Go then/whatever/see if I care? /wont be here when you get back etc etc
PAUSE.........a day or so passes........
Him: I wanna come.

PInkhair goes a little more insane....

I think PH needs counselling on her own behalf. I actually don't give a shit whether he gets it or not.

PH might want to explore with a counsellor why she allows him to treat her like this, and why she feels she deserves nothing different

The pattern of their interactions is really fucked-up, tbh and will take a toll on her health in the long run.

Pinkhair I cannot stress and reiterate enough that couples counselling would be the very WORST idea. You could be entering a triangular relationship with a counsellor who is woefully unsighted about gaslighting and emotional abuse and since abusers have the ability to turn on the charm whenever it suits them - and you might be too cowed in front of him to say what has been really going on, the counselling could make you feel worse, not better.

Couples counselling NEVER works for emotional abuse. Go on your own, but I am saddened that you didn't call Women's Aid yesterday, because that's what I think you should do.

This will not, repeat not, get better. It will however get appreciably worse.

Yes, joint counselling is not the right option. Go on your own, PH. As others have said, going with your DH, will not be beneficial to you. The good thing about this thread is that you have been forewarned that, someone like him, will probably come across as very credible/convincing to the counsellor - but I really hope a good counsellor would be clued up enough to recognise signals. The alternative scenario is that he will go to counselling with you, maybe once, and only once, when he works out that the counsellor is not going to come down on his side; he will not tolerate this and will refuse to go again saying it it rubbish etc. Counselling on your own will give you the opportunity to speak freely and in confidence without his influence present.

As an immediate source of help - phone WA.

WWIF - I would not consider a counsellor to have had very thorough training if he/she was unaware of such subject matter.

I want to jump in here and agree with WWIFN re. joint counselling.

I had a dreadful experience with my abusive H and relate. I was not able to articulate what was going on in our relationship (despite mentioning indirect violence) and afterwards H used the sessions as a stick to beat me with - as he had proof that he 'tried'.

Joint counselling is NOT recommended for abusive relationships. Please don't find out why the hard way (like me).

In joint counselling, your DH will twist and turn events, situations, often they will be very manipulative. He will be of the opinion, really, that YOU need counselling because you are not 'right in the head'; that's often the mentality.

Counselling will be good for you on your own - a place where you can be free to talk away from all this crap.

Thanks everyone, Sorry Pinkhair, I was wrong. You should defo go on your own. xx

dhn Right on the button there!!!

Today my ds is poorly and needed to go to the doctors, so i phoned up and managed to get an appoinment at 11.10am, i thought great h dont start work till 2pm, he can take us down there.

h says to me, i'm going in for 12pm as they asked me yesterday to do some over time and i have agreed. so i said to him that its ok you will still have time to take us down there as it is only 5 mins in car from our house, and be back in time to go to work......h said well what about my dinner, when am i supposed to eat that??? so i then agained had to ask phbf if she would take me and my ds down to the docs, which of course she agreed, but was wondering why h wasnt taking me so i explained it to her..and she went mad (i dont blame her at all), she sent h a text message which was polite, and he then changes his mind and says he will take us, but moans at me saying if i was that upset cos he wasnt taking us to the docs why didnt i tell him. i explained to him that i shouldnt have to ask him to put our ds first before his bloody over.
WWIFN i spoke to my doctor today about councilling but she said there are none available unless i got private, or was in a mental health state, but she did say that i can make a double appointment with her at anytime and come and talk to her and she would try and help him.

I had such a fantastic day yesterday, and now i feel so crap and down and really low again, i even tried to get out in my wheelchair to get some dog food and some other food bits, but couldnt get no further than about 50 yrds, i feel so useless, and helpless, i feel as though i have lost my independance and have to keep asking everyone to do things...this is not me. i hate being like this, sometimes i wish i never had this back operation, as it is not helping me with all this shit that i'm going through. :(

His behaviour is unspeakable pinkhair. Why the hell are you having to worry about getting shopping, when there is an able-bodied adult in the house? Why in God's name did you even have to accompany him to Tescos the other night? You are recuperating from a major back operation FGS. It should have been him taking your DS to the doctors, too.

The GP said she would help him? Or was that a typing error? If you do make a double appointment, this must be for you not him. But take PHBF with you, because you will minimise what abuse you are suffering.

Phone Women's Aid pinkhair. Phone them now before he gets in from work.

Thanks again WWIFN....I have been a bad friend today.... Pinkhair asked me to take her and ds to docs this morning, which of course I didnt mind. She said her H was having his lunch so couldnt take them. I'm afraid I saw red and texted to ask him why he couldnt take his son to the docs (in a polite way). I shoudlnt have done this I realise, but have doen this before with a few issues and it always confronts him with the truth. Anyway he texted back that he wasnt a bad father or husband but was working, I said fine I would take them. Anyway it would have been a rush for me as I have ds to pick up at 12 (the time pinkhairs H was due to start work) and I would have had to defrost car and drive to pinkhairs house etc....Not a problem at all, but all the time he is going to be sitting there having lunch
Pinkhair texted back to say H was now going to take them. See script above. I realise I shouldnt have texted him like this, as he got angry and said to pinkhair he was going to have 'words' with me.....
I am feeling out of my depth and like I have no real understanding of this at all. I've been a crap friend today.
I am going to pinkhairs house later and will get her shopping and have told her we should ring womens aid tonight.