What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Ph there was never one moment when I thought my ex would do that ever as he always acted the dutiful dad. Don't put anything past him ph

unlikely, i know what your saying and i dont know why i do still trust h, cos like you said, he took our savings without telling me, it took the bank to tell me that they had all gone, and then i confronted him, h told me he took what was his, and as far as he was concerned that was all of it.

I have not spoke to MIL since he left as they dont want to get involved, so i dont know what h has been telling them.

And yes i supposed how you have put it about the emotional abuse, my ds has suffered cos he has seen me cry after how h has treated me, and he has heard it as well. I know ds is very emotional at the moment, the slightest thing and his bursts in to tears, poor little man, i just dont know how much this has affected him.

On a good note it's looks like i have found myself a councillor, i emailed her and she has replied and says that she can help me, so i'm going to see her after the new year.

feisty i will be careful when h has ds, i promise, my ds means so much to me.

I'm taken aback pinkhair to see you negate the emotional abuse your DS has suffered and was concerned to read that your H had access to him for a whole day, after all the warnings we gave you on here about not letting your H have unsupervised access. His parents are hardly likely to stop their son taking DS out for a few hours and in my view, you need to be far more careful.

Of course your son was also a victim and naturally, he is fragile at the moment. It's understandable. However awful a parent has been and how, as an adult, we can reason that our parents divorcing was the best thing that could have happened, in the initial aftermath it is like all big life changes; a bit scary and unsettling. This applies to you too.

I'm glad you've got a counsellor. I hope s/he specialises in helping someone who has been the victim of emotional abuse.

When are you next in touch with Women's Aid and what's happening about the house?

wwifn, i spoke to my solictor and arranged/told her the days h would be seeing ds and she noted it all down, even after everything i told her, and i am being honest here, i know he would never do anything to hurt him.

I am finding the evenings very hard at the minute, its lonely, and thats when i start to doubt myself.

My counsellor is called heidi kemp, and yes she specialises in emotional abuse, thats one reason i emailed her, i cant wait to see her, its just what i need at the minute.

I haven't spoken to WA for a long time now, the last time i phoned them, to be honest they really didnt seem to want to help me as i wasn't in danger, they said just call the support line if needed.

Me and ds are in the house by ourselves, h is living with his parents, h is still paying the mortgage at the minute which i suppose is one nice thing at least....

As for money that i need for ds, i keep asking h ans he says yeah i'll give you some money, but never do, i'm in the process of filling in forms for the CSA.

As for the house i am hoping to be able to buy h out and carry on living there with ds as it is near his school friends and my job and friends.

".........even after everything i told her, and i am being honest here, i know he would never do anything to hurt him.

I am finding the evenings very hard at the minute, its lonely, and thats when i start to doubt myself."

Stop thinking about yourself for a nano second ffs.

.......Whats up Unlikely, am i not aloud to think of myself for a little while??

pinkhair how are you today?

It must be so hard to be in the house alone after so long with someone else, even if that relationship was so destructive. But as others have said before, try to see this time you have now as a real gift. Embrace it!

I agree that this all needs to be formalised as soon as possible... contact, mortgage payments, savings etc. If you continue to keep things informal it seems likely you're the one who's going to be walked all over. Even if you know h wouldn't deliberately hurt ds, you don't know what emotional tactics he might use to get back at you, which ultimately will damage ds.

Keep telling yourself "I'm worth more than this" Don't doubt yourself, trust your gut reaction. Your gut feeling was that things weren't right at all, that's why you wrote your original post. Hold on to that! You're taking control, and though there will be the inevitable wobbles where you feel unsure, you know deep down you're doing the right thing!

Please keep posting! We want to support you, not judge you!

Just cross posted. pinkhair you absolutely must think of yourself, as well as ds.

Thanks cenicienta, i will keep posting because all the support and advice you lot have given me on here is fantastic, i dont know where i would have been if is wasn't for MN.

I know for a fact i am getting stronger day by day, but yes i do have wobbles, and i'm going to for a while, i cant just switch off my emotions like a tap, not after i have been with someone for that long.

But dont worry, i will think of myself and my DS.

pinkhair of course you should think of yourself, as long as you don't put your own or your H's needs before your son's ever again. I will only speak for myself here, but it worried me to see you backtracking on the abuse your poor son has suffered, because like I said yonks ago on this thread, he is the only one in this triangle who cannot exercise his own choices. He is reliant on his care-givers to provide him with a safe, happy home.

It is entirely understandable that after the drama of recent months, you are feeling lost and bewildered. It often surprises people, but abuse survivors often report missing the drama when life becomes peaceful for the first time in years. Some of your sense of loss might be about that and I'd urge you to explore this with Heidi when you see her.

You said you were going to phone the solicitors today. How did that go? It is essential that you get things formalised now. Do not agree to any regular contact arrangements until these have been drawn up and agreed. Do not run the risk of your lad missing out on his football either. He needs his passion in life now, more than ever. If his Dad is going to continue his habit of a lifetime and fail to take him, then weekend access is vetoed. The needs of the child are paramount when agreeing contact, you see.

The other thing to bear in mind is that if your H gets to see your son at the weekend, that means that you lose out on the "fun time" when your son is less tired and life can be less about routines and early bedtimes.

Since he is seeing your DS at his parents' house, I expect your H has reverted entirely to type and expects his mother to feed and care for your son. I don't suppose it would even occur to him to take the lad to a football match or a soft play area, because it would bore him and he always comes first.

Get all this formalised and if you ever wobble, it is normal, but keep re-reading this thread. Did you ever buy the Lundy Bancroft book? Read that too!

Hi again, Pink. Hope you're doing OK and talking with you friends & family for plenty of support & validation. Please do listen to these ladies' advice! That's not a request, it's an order!!

I'm very worried that you still seem to be determining your life according to what you think other people want & need. How about what you & DS need? What about truth and honesty?
Ring your in-laws!

Or I'll want to know why not [scary face]

Thanks wwifn for your advice again :) i had a chat with my ds regarding things that are going on, cos even though he is only 6 he understands everything, and i do feel a lot better now knowing that he is talking more to me about things.

I couldn't get through to my solictor, so didnt get a chance to talk to her, but like i said it is down in writing what days h is having ds so it is all above board.

H is not having ds every weekend, even though he says he wants him then, but that is not fair, and i have spoke to my solictor about that, so i will be able to have fun time with ds at weekends too, not just routines during the week, i have told h also that when he has ds i want him brought back by at least 6.30-7.00 so he can keep to his routines.

I expect you are correct there wwifn about MIL doing everything for ds, the only thing h does is play with him.

Regarding the book, phbf said she has brought me a book, but she has been poorly and her dc, so i haven't seen her. :(

ItsGraceAgain I'm doing ok thanks, haven't spoken to my friends since before xmas cos they are busy with their families, but i know where they are if i need them. dont worry i do listen to these ladies on here, i'm not sure what you mean when you said ...I'm very worried that you still seem to be determining your life according to what you think other people want & need How about what you & DS need? What about truth and honesty?

I cant ring my in-laws as they are noy happy with me at the minute cos of what me and h are going through.

Ah I thought your in-laws didn't have the full picture.

Glad to hear about your counsellor, she sounds great! Well done. Keep remembering your XH has proved you can't trust him and you're in charge now :)

Happy new year! x

Well Grace, the only picture they have is that me and h dont love each other, not any of the rest, and i know if i tried to tell her, she wouldn't either believe it or except it.

H is her golden boy, he can't do nothing wrong in her eyes.

Happy new year to you too xxx

hi PH,, I have been following your thread but didnt really feel like I could offer any advice before but I thought I would chip in now.
Think about what things will be like this time next year when you are seeing the next new year in, you will be a happier person, your ds will be too and who knows what lovely things around the corner for you. Granted, there is some shit to sort out in the meantime but you weren't ever going to be happy in the future in the situation you were in before whereas now you will be.
So a big well done and a lovely hug to you both for being so strong!

Hi Ifancy, thank you so much for your kind words and advice, you are right, this time next year things will be a lot different and looking at it like that makes the shit that i'm going to go through now seem not that bad now, if you see what i mean!!

Thank you xx :)

You are very welcome, its worth going through one years worth of crap to get a lifestime of happiness!!
I hope that doesnt sound too wishy washy, what must be going on in your head must be very tiring and emotionally hard but the only way is up :)

:)

Hi all,

Well H had ds on new years eve, and brought him back quite early today, his excuse was, he couldn't settle ds at night time as ds wanted me, (which h knows he could of phoned me and i would of spoken to ds on phone) so he had a late night and went to bed when h did.

so when h brought him home this morning he said he has not had a good morning with him, ds wanted me, so rather than try with his ds and play or find something to do with him, he decides nope time to go home to mum.

H is supposed to be having ds this coming weekend, as agreed ok, but now he tells me that i dont think i'll have ds this weekend or next, ds and me need a break as there is nothing for him to do over here with me, for fuck sake cant he find something to do with him, its not that bloody hard, but no....yet again the easy way out. it really pisses me off, i knew this would happen, he just cant cope.

Well, at least he's showing his hand early :(

It might be a good idea to get these changes of plans in writing, just in case he decides to claim you're preventing DS access. On current showing, though, it looks like he's going to fade away into the background asap!

... which may not be a bad thing.

Welcome to the start of a MUCH BETTER, calmer, happier, more fulfilling year for you & DS, pinkhair :)

This doesn't surprise me pinkhair just as it doesn't surprise you. Please be guided by your son and what he wants to do; he might actually want to see his Dad less, or certainly not for these long periods of time.

I would stop relying on your H to treat your son well and provide fun activities, because he never has engaged in anything that was fun for your DS, has he?

So that you get a break from time to time however, is there an uncle or better role model within your family and friends who can take DS out for the day every now and then? I am mindful that you are still recuperating from your back operation and you will need a break from time to time.

ItsGrace you are right, i'm going to speak to my solictor about this cos knowing him he would do something like that. It wouldn't surprise me if he does fade away into the background, that would suit him down to the ground.
I do hope that 2011 is going to be much better, calmer and lots more happier.

WWIFN i think that would be quite wise to be guided by my son. Would you suggest me having a talk with him, or leave it and play it by ear?

The only things my H has engaged with my DS are things that HE has wanted to do, not what DS has wanted to do.

I know it has only been just over 8 weeks since my back operation, but i have had to do things that i proberly shouldn't be doing but i have no choice, no one else to do it for me. i will say i dont lift anything cos thats something i cant do.
As for an uncle i do have 3 older brothers, but i know they are all really busy people, i know thats not a good excuse, but they are, i expect if i asked them though, they would proberly say yes, when they have time.

A break from time to time would be nice, but i thought thats was going to be H job, but as normal he has failed again.

You can never rely on your H to be a decent human being because he isn't one. He was always a useless father and he wasn't going to become a good one now. Your thread started like this, where be put his cycling and need to be ferried around by you, in front of his DS's football. I would talk to your DS and ask him what he wants, how regularly he wants to see his Dad and for how long each time.

He is your brothers' nephew and if you think they are good role models for your son and not like his father, of course you should ask them to help and it is something that a good uncle and brother should want to do, assuming that is that your DS likes them and feels comfortable with them. Why not invite them round a bit more and take things slowly, but don't be afraid to ask your family for help right now.

I was going to go and see one of my brothers more often now anyway, as its just me and DS now,(as H always stopped me seeing my family when i wanted too) and i know my brother will be a fantastic role model for him, and it will be nice to see them for me too for support.

Also this brother has two grown up boys himself DC20 DC18, and DS adores them and they love him, and i get on really well with my SIL, she's more like my sister. :)

PHBF gave me the book today, it's The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans, read some of it already, its really opened my eyes.