What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Very happy for you both

Well H came round this morning to see DS, stayed about an hour...we spoke about the solictors and he is not that happy about some of the things i said about him regarding the behaviour, but i said to him i;m only telling the truth, its a good job i didnt tell him everything that i have put in there, he will find that out when he receives the papers...

I also told my solictor about the savings but he told his solictor that he hasn't got any savings...whoops wrong again.

Then to top it all off i asked him if its ok for our DS to call him on christmas day and he said NO that wont be a good idea, this is hard enough as it is. thinking of himself again.

doing very well, PH

just be careful what you tell him though...he will find out soon enough through legal channels

keep your cards close to your chest now

PH - you are doing so well!

Lovely to read of the fun you're having with your son. I'm sure a lot of people in a similar situation would have wanted to stay with someone 'for the children' at Christmas, but I'm sure in years to come, your son will look back and think, 'That was a really good Christmas, where mum and I were really happy' you've done so well :)

GraceAway going back to your post about loving myself, i'm going to do that on boxing day, i'm on my own so i am going to have some ME time,lovely hot bath, soothing lotion in there, with lots of bubbles, lovely body butter afterwards and then bottle of wine,and lots of chocolates....yummy yummy.

AF i will be careful about what i tell him, as i found out today, so no more of that.
Thank you TurnipCake

Sounds like heaven to me . Have a brilliant xmas xx

Thanks NotANatural, i will have a good xmas, hope you do too, you ought to try it too, it does sound sooooo nice, i cant wait..lol

Pink

Hello.

Just read your thread and have to say that YOU hold the power and control now, not H.

Agree with everyone who has said tell him nowt!

If you tell him what's coming, he'll have chance to think up some answers, fore armed IYSWIM.

You have come so far in only a couple of months! It's lovely to read that there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Enjoy your day tomorrow with your beautiful DS and your 'me time' on Sunday.

I wish you every happiness for the New Year. You will only get stronger from here on in.

Thank you so much for that MOUSE.

I know that from now on me and my DS are going to be happy and have fun, and that to me means more than anything.

Pinkhair, phew, what a relief that you found the strength to leave. It took me all of seven years to leave my abusive relationship - if only I had known of mumsnet then. Like you I had been with my DH for seven years as we got together when I was only 18. Everything in your thread about your DH is how my ex was. I am so proud of you that you left, it is not easy and reading through your thread my heart was beating for you and I felt like cheating and reading the end to see if you left. I was so scared for you. Well done you, you are fabulous and have such lovely friends. WWIFN, PHBF and AF, you are fab too for not giving up on PH and being there for her constantly.

PH, stay strong and well done x

Thank you so much feistychick, i dont know what i would have done if PHBF had not put me in touch with mumsnet, i think everyone on here are fantastic, loving and so full of support.

By the sounds of your post you had it pretty rough too, like me, and if it was, i'm glad you have got out too.

How did you find things afterwards, how did you feel, cos i know i feel lost sometimes, cos of being with h for 20 years and now nothing.

could you give me some advice on how you coped with the tough times please :)

Hi pinkhair, meant to post earlier but kept forgetting what the thread was called (sorry!)

Anyway, I totally admire your strenght and courage doing what you did and glad you and your son are starting to have fun again.

Just wanted to say that I ended my relationship v. recently and can completely relate to how you're feeling.

Cheering you on and hoping you had a nice time today :)

PH, it was hard but I was so relieved to have him out of my life that it surpassed the loneliness. Like your DH he made me feel as if I was to blame for everything and it was so hard to leave. Even now I am still recovering from the trauma and abuse. You have done the hardest part which was leaving. Everything else will be hard but not as hard. Your ex is going to make life difficult for you because you have dared to leave him. Do not engage in any conversation whatsoever with him because you feel guilty for leaving (which he will make you feel). Mine also threatened suicide after the split but I had just had enough that I did not fall for it.

Make sure you remember that you cannot have a conversation with a bully so don't entertain it. Any contact with your son must be arranged via your solicitor, this was my downfall - I still subconsciously wanted to please him and negotiated contact by myself and he used that to control me through our son for ten years until this summer when I took him to court as I had had enough and the judge ordered indirect contact. I know you will find it hard not to feel sorry for him but remember this, you do not owe him anything, he chose to behave in an awful manner and abused your trust when you didn't know any better. Don't give him any chance to emotionally blackmail your lovely DS, protect yourselves ok

It will be lonely for you, oh so lonely because you have been a couple for more than half your life so it is to be expected. Ask your GP for counselling or check if your work are part of CoreCare as then you would be entitled to about four or six coumselling sessions a year. If you aren't able to do so then explain everything to your GP and insist that he refers you. You will need it to help you stop thinking negatively of yourself and to embrace how wonderful you are for getting your son out of that destructive relationship. He will grow up to be a fine young man with a strong mum like you.

Pm me if you wish and when you are feeling lonely. You will be fine, you will get used to the silence after a while and learn to enjoy and love it. My ex thought I would crumble but I am flying high. I actually really feel sorry for his current partner.
Merry christmas to you and your ds x

FC, i know i have done the hardest part and that was leave, well he left our house. but i still feel attached to him, its hard to describe, i dont love him, how can i after everything that he done, but i do feel sorry for him, which is what i need to stop doing.

I have spoken to my doctor about all of this, and i'm already on anti depresents, not just because of what xh was doing to me, but because i was in a lot of pain due to a very bad back, which i have had an operation on now, 7 weeks ago, but i did ask about councilling but there is now councillor there anymore, i will have to pay to see one, and i cant afford that now i'm on my own, and not back at work yet, cos of my operation.

I do intend to go back to work early now, i have to as i need the money, i should have six months of, but thats not going to happen now.

Thank you so much for your advice and i will Pm you when i'm feeling a little low, or need some advice from you, or just to have a chat sometimes is nice.
Take Care xx

DS is spending the day with his dad, my house is so quiet without him here.

This is something that i cant get used to, when you have been with someone for so long, its hard to do things on your own...well thats how i feel. is this normal??

I do know that i'm going to be so much more happier, and so is my DS, the hard moments are going to be the ones where he spends his time with his dad.

Having a bad time at the minute, my emotions have kicked in and i'm feeling really down at the minute :( crying.

I know you will all think i'm stupid for beating myself up about it, but i keep thinking maybe me and my h could of worked at it and stayed together,

even though i had so much shit and abuse, but i just hate feeling like this, i really fucking do.

I know you are proberly saying we have been here before with you, but i cant help how i feel, so i'm just letting it all out on here.

The amount of times it goes through my head that am i making the right choices, its so hard, just really dont like feeling strong at the moment, sorry. :(

hi ya, h came and brought ds back this morning, it was so hard for me cos there i am trying to be nice and all im getting from him is one word answers, and him saying when i asked how yesterday was, it was lovely had a great time, not a good day today though, so i said why, and he said cos i have to bring ds back, trying to play with my heart strings i think, and he is still talking about trying to get him every weekend, its doing my head in.

I really wish i could stop him coming into the house like that cos he makes me feel so small in my house, if you can understand that. he says he's going to been nice for connor and after all we are adults, but he is not being nice, he's being an arsehole.

You sound like a great Mum, your son is very lucky to have you. I have just read your thread and you have done so well. It hurts and you think about trying (although you couldn't have tried any harder) because you are a decent person.

Have a very happy new year and enjoy your son. x

When i spoke to H today, we talked about having our ds each other weekend, which is normal, right...
So why is it that when it is h turn to have ds he is not going to let him do football, i really cant believe him, if you read my very first post, is all about h not taking ds to football and this was when we were together, and now even though ds loves football, h is not going to take him, all he keep saying is that you are amking him do it.
This man is really doing my head in, all he thinks about is himself, i dont know what i'm going to do, as ds really wants to do it, but even when i mentioned it that i take him and then he can pick him up from mine at 11.30am, he says well thats half the day gone already, by the time we have had dinner there's no point going out.....why is this man being so selfish.

Can someone give me some advice as whether i should mention this to my solictor as well.

Ph sorry you have been feeling down, it is normal to feel that way. Everything is still raw at ther minute for you. As mentioned earlier you should really have contact arranged through your solicitors and do not allow your ex to come in the house either b at pick up or drop off as it complicates things. Remember you left because he made your life hell , he isn't going to start miraculously being nice to you. You are still allowing him to control how youfeel by engaging with him.
he will continue to control you via your son if you don't set clear boundaries for yourself. You are beating yourself up about him not seeing your ds and I was like that too as I felt it was my fault for splitting us up but it is not your fault, if he wanted to see his ds everyday then he should have cherished his mum.

I regretted not formalising contact this summer when my ex refused to bring ds back home after a visit and had to go to court to have him brought back. I am not saying this will happen to you but just be careful about contact etc

My ex just wanted tospite me and show me that after ten years since we split he was still in charge. I never ever thought he b would do that to his own son. If your ds has football on saturday then your ex will just have to pick him up after or take him for football himself. Don't let your ds miss football (well I wouldn't anyway)

I used to post under the name of mumofthreesweeties, have a read of some of my posts. They might be helpful to you. By all means do not be tempted to take him back

Hi PH. You simply must get contact formalised through a solicitor. He is bullying you and yes using your son to manipulate your feelings. No change there then.

You are going through hell at the moment. Some of the pressure must be handled for you by professionals ie solicitors and a court contact order most probably.

As for the football, well for now you have to grit your teeth (again) and accept that it is up to your soon-to-be exh what he chooses to do with his son during his contact times.

If he decided not to take him to football, then that it his decision. It will backfire on him spectacularly no doubt as your son will soon come to see him for the selfish git he is.

Buit putting that aside for a moment, is there any slim chance that your H will put your son at any risk from anything? He seems such a volatile and nasty man. As feisty has said, is there any risk that he may not return ds?

You are the main carer and I think you have the right to not allow any unsupervised contact until things have been decided by a court. And a court may well decide, given the history of abuse, that supervised contact at a contact centre only, may be the best way forward to begin with. If you h wants to see ds in the meantime, is there a family member who can be there at the time? His mother say?

You must get this sorted asap.

Could you call Women's Aid again and get some preliminary advice from them on this? When is your next appointment with the solicitor?

It is very very difficult I know, to be clinical and hard-headed about this issue when your own emotions are still tangled with feelings for your H and loneliness after the split. And yes, it is very normal to feel lonely and confused in the house on your own after being with someone for a long time.

This gets easier and easier until you reach the point where you can't imagine another man in your house at all fucking things up, sulkiong, leaving loo seats up and clothes strewn on the floor etc.

i know it's a weird time between xmas day and the New Year but I do still think you must get some more concrete advice about contact - for yiour own emotional benefit as well as for the safety of your ds.

Ring WA. Ring for an appointment asap with your solicitor.

A man who has stolen his family's savings and lie about it to a solicitor, (btw did you remember to get proof of the money going out of the account??)does not give a flying banana about anything except himself. He has no boundaries and could do anything.

I have to admit I was shocked that you had allowed your ex unsupervised access to his son on Boxing Day. You should not allow him any more access until you have had proper independent legal advice (solicitor and /or womens aid).

Is this access for his sake or your son's? It is your son who matters here, and does your ex want access to him to be a good father, or because it is his right?

Please be very very careful!

I had a bad night last night, ds kept crying saying he wanted daddy, i managed to settle him in the end, but i was in a right state myself by then.

I know h would never do anything to ds, i know he will always bring him back, cos i know for a fact that he will either put work first before ds or he wouldn't be able to cope with ds for longer that a couple of days. when h has ds he always takes him back to his parents house, and i do know for a fact that they wouldn't let their s do anything stupid.

As for the emotional abuse it was really only me that he done it too, ok he wouldn't let ds be a child, hept telling him to be quiet, but it was me who got the most of it.

I am ringing my solictor tomorrow and seeing if i can get an appointment or talk on the phone to her about visits etc, cos h is doing the same again, messing with my head, saying he is having ds every weekend.

I am going to get proof of the savings, i have already spoke to the bank and they are sorting the paper work out for me, but h is blaming me for telling my solictor about the savings, i cant help it if he hasn't told the truth.

Thank you feisty unlikely and mummy for your advice :)

PH you don't know him though do you. You don't know what he will do. You still seem to have some residue of trust.

Are you in regular contact with your MIL and know for a fact that your son is there? What does she have to say about your H deciding he wants ds every weekend? (which he won't get. Please get this sorted out legally asap)

Did you know he was going to remove all your savings and then lie about it?

Did you suspect he might ever do such a thing?

You cannot trust him. You need to put your son's safety first.

Be knuckle-headed.

Also, of course he has abused his son. I don't expect for one minute that all of the abuse he gave you was always out of your son's sight?? In abusing you he has abused his poor boy. Your boy has witnessed you crying and sobbing and being 'in a right state' because of his father. Your son is suffering too because of this man's abuse.