What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Oooh, PH, be very careful, please!! It's not up to H at all what he does. If you've gone home, please don't let him in without having help there. I know he has ownership, etc, but please please don't let him in unless there's someone else there to support you and DS. Unsupervised contact with DS potentially extremely dangerous.

Sorry, but it's true. Err on the side of caution, this situation may seem calm now and you may miss the dynamic side of it all now that you've had a rest and you're stronger. Nothing wrong with wanting to be in your own home. However, this man is extremely unstable. Try to detach yourself and see that if you can.

Of course, this is your life, but lots of us have been in a very, very similar situation and you really cannot predict what will happen here.

Keep yourself and DS safe. H not to be trusted.

So glad you are getting support on here pinkhair.
Been in an abusive relationship, can tell you that what you need for progress is distance from the abuser, support, and very good friends.
There are no quick fixes, and it is a rollercoaster, but long term, what you are doing is allowing your son to grow up in a functional relationship with you, which will help repair any damage caused.
As for you, God Almighty you were so young when you met this man! So please don't beat yourself up about anything you've done.

Your husband is a loser, you aren't. Without him you can go and have a good life.

Just an update, spoke to ds again and he is not bothered about seeing daddy, he would still like to go home, but we are doing that tomorrow now, i'm getting a car sorted from my dm and dd, they have two cars, so im having one of them, we are all going out on monday anyway, and by the time we get back h will be at work, so he wont be able to come round.

Tuesday we are out on a little trip just me and ds, have some time together, and then wed seeing sols, but when i am at home i will put the lock down on the front down so h cant get in and will leave key in back door locked and he wont be able to unlock it, i know that for sure, i tried :)

WWIFN I will speak to that lady again from WA and ask about the locks just incase.

Excellent!! Good for you pinkhair!! Safety first. It's also great you've got family support, do keep them in the loop with your plans. It's a form of insurance...

We're all cheering for you.

Do expect DS to be quite up and down - as you may be - for a while to come. It's normal. Even though he may have a desire (and maybe even a feeling of obligation!) to see his dad, you are the other parent (and the stable one) and you really do owe it to him to only carry out his wishes if it is safe to do so.

It's so great you and DS are doing nice stuff together!!

PS Just a friendly reminder - don't hesitate to phone 999 if H turns up and gets nasty. I hope he won't, but this is a funny time.

Well done PH! It's so nice that you have happy plans afoot.

Keep us updated and I agree with missmehalia.

Is looking forward to coming home tomorrow, i have lots of things to sort out and the sooner i do them the better for me.

My ds is so important to me, and i have enjoyed spending quality time with him, just him and me, and i know from the response i get back its the same.

Fab. xx Enjoy taking command of your own household, it's very, very rewarding. You'll be amazed at the strength you never knew you had. xx

Well done for everything PH. Good advice on here. Please listen and put your safety first. If H tries any entreaty don't listen. Keep focused on the Solicitor. Keep posting. x

Thanks unlikely, i will do that, i wont listen to a word he says and i am kind of looking forward to seeing the solicitor on wed, i know it might sound daft to some people but then at least i know where i stand and where he stand.

Thanks for all your advice on here, it has been amazing xx

Shit shit shit, something has just dawned to me......i know why h has not been in contact with ds this weekend, cos before he left he kept going on about having ds every weekend and i said no, we will sort that out in court if we have to.

Then he said, who is having him this weekend and i said well me cos you are now going and ds is still at school....H said thats ok then, i can have him next weekend...meaning xmas weekend....He cant do that can he, we have nothing arranged legally about visting.

Someone please tell me its going to be ok????? :(

No. He can't just turn up and take him. But you need to be careful of where DS is, and who he's with. Just in case.

Thanks Graceaway, its made me worried now though.

keep ds close to you

and no, you are not obliged to hand him over willy-nilly for xmas

tell your ex he must wait for formal contact to be arranged, until then, ds stays with you but you may be willing for some short, supervised contact (preferably with another member of your family, not you , present)

no overnight contact

It is extremely unlikely that he'll even ask to have your son next weekend, but if he does, just say no. He cannot insist and as the primary carer, you hold all the cards here. Now in most situations, that can be terribly unfair to Dads or Mums who live away from their DCs, but in this situation, with an abusive and unstable man, it is absolutely right that it is this way.

This is a man who couldn't even be arsed to watch his lad play football and take him to training, right? He's just too selfish to care for a 6 year old on his own.If he says he wants to, just treat it like the empty threats he makes all the time and say no, but for goodness sake do this over the phone only and do NOT see him face to face and especially not in your home.

The solicitor on Weds and WA tomorrow (phone as soon as they are open) can reassure you more, but honestly pinkhair this is nothing to worry about at all. Make sure you keep that house locked and keep DS with you at all times, or in the care of trusted friends in a secure place.

Find out about changing the locks and don't be bullied if you get advice about it being "against the law". This isn't criminal law incidentally, only civil law. So what if you break civil law? If he takes you to court about it (unlikely) and wins, you can change them back again, by which time hopefully the house will be sold and you'll have found somewhere else to live anyway.

I would cheerfully break even criminal law if it meant my DCs and I were safe, so do a proper risk assessment on this and carry on being brave and resilient.

I would break the law too, in a heartbeat

Sounds like having DS Christmas weekend is an assumption he made, not really something you agreed to. It was just a conversation, what you actually said was it would be resolved via the appropriate legal channels (or something like that.) Which is as it should be.

DS shouldn't really go near him, from the sounds of that, unless under VERY close supervision from someone DS knows and feels safe with.

From the sounds of H, he probably wouldn't agreed to a supervised contact. He may see himself as above such things.. anyway, whatever, stay wherever you'd most like to be with the doors and windows locked.

There's great telly on over the next week or two, and thank heavens for internet food deliveries, etc. You can just bunk up with loads of blankets, nice visitors, hot chocolate, etc and have a lovely time with DS. It's an amazing view outside ATM, and far too cold for anyone to hang around outside in protest for too long.

Update...

I am home, and it is so nice to be home, but dont worry i am safe

DS just walked in and took over the telly, as normal, which is brilliant, just what i wanted, no mention of anything, or anyone.

Speak to you all soon xx

So glad for you that are you in your home PH. What a good feeling that must be after such upheaval and fear.

If you have panicky questions do post or if H comes round or calls making wild threats please do not feel in the slightest worried about dialling 999 if you have any worries for yourself or DS.

As others have said, no he cannot come and take or demand ds. Stay cool on that.

Do you have call screening? Agree with the others, no face to face contact at any point until you have seen Sol at least as he may still be able to twist your thoughts. Who is going to be with you for the next few days?

You have been really brave and are an inspiration. Getting through all this and so close to christmas - a particularly difficult time for people in abusive relationships as they do not want to 'rock the boat'.

Do keep us updated. How lovely that ds grabbed the controls and has you with him. You are one resilient mother and woman.

This man has been full of empty threats and bullying tactics for so long it's no wonder you feel worried about what he might try next.

That's lovely

Agree, that all details should be worked out with your solicitor,who can write letters and negotiate from now on (remember to take your XHs current residing address with you)

There is no need for any communication with your XH at all.

Have a peaceful time x

Do you know what...i never realised how lonely the evenings are, how quiet they are once ds is in bed, no dog running around as h took her.

At least i did sort a few things out today, regarding helping with council tax, and getting extra benefits for my ds.

Just really dont feel or want to do anything else, feel really alone deep inside, can anyone understand how i feel, its ok when ds is around, its just when i'm on my own, and thats what it is now though.....i'm well and truely on my own.

Am so pleased you have moved on from your first post. When I first left my ex and lived alone I found the evenings hard, and this was before the internet! I was lucky, I didn't have any DC's which meant I could take on some bar work - I met people and eventually my DH. I can't remember if you have much of a local support network, and I expect you aren't ready to meet new people just yet, but we are here for you.

I have some really good close friends, but i'm keeping them at a distance cos i have called on them so much these last few weeks, they really dont need me going on and on at them about how i'm feeling, so i'm pretty much on my own when it comes to adult conversations, so i really dont know what im going to do.

Never mind though, i suppose i'll get used to it.
i'll find something to do to keep me going.

yes, we are here

the loneliness is natural, but it will pass

MN will get you through the nights. It will take a little while to adjust, and its difficult as your ex has taken up so much of your energy/attention. Perhaps you could use a couple of evenings as 'me time'? Long baths with wine and a book/facepack? My local library will order any books they haven't already got on site and I have found a good book more absorbing than any telly. But that's just me