What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Thank god PHBF! Was concerned Pinkhair was going backwards a bit earlier.

Thank you for letting us know PHBF. Hope your situation eventually finds some calming solution too! x

Just to let you all know that i am safe and staying at my parents house with my ds until after xmas.

H came home from work this afternoon and started packing his stuff, he wouldn't even let me use the car to collect ds from school, only thought of himself again, so i had to walk down there in the ice, but i did phone a friend on the way down to meet me as i was so upset and she collected ds from school fro me.

She then spoke to PHBF and between them they said it was best if i didnt stay at the house own my own, so i listened to them and took there advice.

I am slowing sorting things out in my head, its going to take time and help, but i know i can do it, i have fantastic support from my family, friends and you lot on here.

Once again from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for everything.

I will keep you posted to how i am doing.

PHBF Thank you so much honey, you have been such a support to me. xx

That's good news PH. How is your little boy doing? Give him nice warm bubble baths and hug him and kiss him. Lots of stories, and playing games like p[airs. I play pairs with my ds - he loves it (the game where you put cards face down and have to find two of each.)

Have some rest yourself. Eat chocolates and watch/stare at telly. Restore your batteries for a short while. Concentrate on your son and let life wrap its arms around you instead of you having to fight it.

Keep us posted won't you. We are always here for you.

Hello Everyone, just to let you all know i'm still ok, and doing alright, my ds is having loads of fun and has not even mentioned his dad.....think that might say something, dont you?

Post again soon, its so nice just being myself and so relaxed :)

:) :)

Lovely pinkhair! good good good!

What a tremendous relief pinkhair. Is he still moving out this weekend? What are your plans after Christmas?

and take each day at a time.

WWIFN H has already moved out, he took all his things on friday, and is not coming back.

But i need some advice from you all, ds wants to go home tomorrow and stay there until xmas day and then spend xmas day with nannie and grandad, then go home again, he wants to be in his own house, also he wants to see his dad, he has cried tonight saying that he ants him back, what do i do, shall i go home, and make my ds happy, i feel really good about myself, feel i can cope now, i know its only be a couple of days, but i fell stronger, and deep down i want to go back home too.

I think your getting your strength back because you are away from your home.

Can you just see how you feel in the morning? Try not to make a decision tonight.

Your DS is bound to to have moments of sadness but it's healthy to let the dust settle and take things slowly. I think this is a knee jerk decision wanting to go back.

Somebody else will probably give you better advise PH but I will be lurking on this thread.

BTW, I feel proud of you!

I agree with Limara, ph.

Children adapt very quickly to changes but they don't know it. It's only a week to Christmas, and I guess it'll be quite an exciting week for DS. He will miss his dad sometimes but, again, he will adapt.

As things are for the coming week, DS is surrounded by people who love him and you feel supported at last :) You've probably got quie a few emotional whirlwinds to get through yet, and I feel it's good for you to have some safe head-space just now.

I know what you are all saying but i just miss my home, my stuff, my bed, i know it sounds daft, but i miss my own space too, can you understand where im coming from....

I totally understand but how can you be sure DH won't pop back to the house too? Is it really worth ruffling the feathers just at the moment? You are growing stronger and stronger in the protection of your family home and I think it would be a shame to risk the work you've done.

At the end of the day though, it's your decision but If I were you, I'd take things a little bit more slowly. Just chill PH, try and get out to meet your friend tomorrow. Do 'stuff' that you wouldn't normally do kid.

I cant meet up with friends, they are all busy and have lives of there own, they are all getting ready for xmas :)

Just feel i would be better off at home, i really do, and i know ds would be happier too, he told me that himself.

PH, you are a grown up so are perfectly able to make decisions. I just called it how I see your situation.

My advise to you is just to take one day at a time, don't look at the long term as sometimes it's too scary innit!

Avoid knee jerk reactions too.

I've got to go now as i just blardy cracked my molar on a sodding soft crackerbread Another £80 before xmas not to mention the shock.

not good a striking words thro' it's the shock of the tooth!

Hi I've been following your thread. I know what you mean about wanting to be at home for Christmas. Is there a way you can go home and get the locks changed?

Well done by the way. You're doing really well!

cenicienta that was my thoughts exactly.

pink hair I know exactly what you mean and how you feel.

I would make sure locks were changed before I considered moving back however - just in case.

I dont mind coming back here for christmas, but i just want to be at home now, i need my own space and i cant get that here, i love my parents dearly, and they have been great, but i know my ds would be better off at home too.

i cant change the locks by law, without telling him.

pinkhair can you turn staying with your parents into a bit of an xmas holiday or adventure. Build a snowman in your parents garden (if they have one), have snowball fights, go and feed the ducks in the park etc.
Would you really be better off at home waiting to see if your H decides to pop back?

I am not surprised you feel down and a bit negative at the moment you have had to keep a lid on a lot of feelings for a long time and so it may start to bubble up now you have a bit of space. Also the reality of the situation is beginning to hit you and even good changes can be a bit daunting to deal with at first but it will get better.

Had a chat with ds last night and he wants to see his dad, i cant stop him, i have explained the situation and said that we dont love each other anymore but both me and daddy love you very much, he has taken it very well, so i'm going to call h today and let him know his son wants to see him, then its up to him what he chooses to do.

There has been no contact since fri afternoon, and ds hasnt seen his daddy since thursday night.

I know this would come at some point when he wanted to see daddy.

Okay pinkhair a few points.

Can I suggest before you do ANYTHING you get in touch with the contact you have at Women's Aid. If you intend to return to your house, ask WA about the real risks of changing the locks. By that, I mean how likely it is that your H will really go to the trouble of litigating against you if you do that. Sometimes it's worth taking a risk and where safety is concerned, I'd run the risk of getting the locks changed, in a heartbeat, whether it's technically against (civil) law or not.

Secondly, you need advice about allowing your H to have unsupervised access to your son, which your post implies you are considering. I think this would be the most dangerous act of folly imaginable at the moment.

You've got to see the sols on Weds, so can you also stall on doing anything until then? Please don't contact your H just yet. Your son is obviously a bit bewildered and emotional, because he has had a lot of upheaval and misery in recent months. He is of course horribly conflicted, but the beauty of this week is that you can divert him with thoughts of Christmas. Please stay strong and don't take any risks with your own, or your son's safety.