What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Not saying she should stay. Her messaghe is at 21.0u7 and he is being an aggressive shit. She is still there. She needs somebody to go round and be with her so he doesnt beat the crap out of her.

sorry guys, sorry you have been worried. Just to let you know pinkhair is ok. She did engage with him tonight and was also in contact with me by text throughout the process. She got very angry with him. She is still listening to him and engaging with him sadly.

I asked her not to talk to him tonight, but to just go to bed, but he managed to upset her again talking about the same things.
pinkhair has now said she isn't going to go to her parents house now. I'm not sure why. She wants to stay in the house and him to go. He doesn't want to go and then does, changes his mind evry 5 minutes. One of them has to leave. I am continuing to give her advice and so is our other friend.

Blimey, phbf, you must be worn to a shred!!

Thanks for the update. Hope all goes well (well enough, anyhow). xx

Just found this thread and read the whole thing.

You don't have to leave - part of the Children's Act gives provision for you to stay in the house until your DS turns 18.

He's being an arse and not worthy of your attention or worry - but you knew that.

There's tons of resources in Norfolk. Are you in touch with these people? If not, they do a fantastic outtreach programme so you can be visited in your own home (as long as H isn't around). And while they're not supposed to, they can be persuaded to recommend the really good local solicitors...

PHBF - I'm local to you, and I don't know much but I know a bit, so feel free to message me? I'm off to bed now, but I'll check in tomorrow.

Thank you Grace and Pereggnog
xxxx

Sorry for all your worries on here last night about me, i did get into a conversation/arguement with my h and like a fool i believed everything he said, he belittle me so much, i felt worthless,he kept going on and on saying things, which was making me angry and crying, in the end i said to him through my tears, that i hope he'e happy now and i cant stand here and take anymore. i did keep in contact with PHBF, my head is so messed up, i just dont know whether to stay here and he goes, or try and find somewhere else. i really cant go to my parents, i love them very dearly but we can not live together, it will not work ever...

pinkhair can you not go to your parents for a few days just to give you some breathing space. I am worried that the tension in your house is ramping up and up. If you DH threatens you or starts throwing things etc call the police and get him out.

pinkhair - from a practical point of view, I'd stay if I were you - just because he's emptied your savings so he's the one with access to money. Where are you with talking to a solicitor?

pereggnog i'm seeing a solicitor on wed morning, but if i stay one minute he says he'll pay the mortgage, then he says he wont, then i say i'll go and he says no i'll go on sunday, but i just dont know what to believe.

chaz i could go to my parents for a few days but it would be a nightmare to stay there, i love them dearly, but i just know i couldn't live there, it would ruin the relationship that me and my mum have now, cos we never got on very well when i did live at home, i know i was younger, but i think it would be the same.

Mm. If he goes, you may be able to claim housing benefit, depending on what you earn. You'll also of course be able to get maintenance for your DS - and I'd go straight to the CSA for that as he's clearly not to be trusted in an informal arrangement. Can you take some deep breaths and stay put till Wednesday when you'll know more?

pereggnog you said you were local to PHBF, that must mean you are local to me, how do i private message you?

click on 'message poster' next to my name :)

pinkhair I've just read through 17 pages of your thread too.

Your attitude has changed and you have become stronger.

Seems to me though, every time you engage in conversation with him, he drains all your strength?

Do you think he would have give you all the chances you've given him?

If I were you, I would move into your mums house. I would find it so difficult to move into my own mother's house-ie no room for me and DC's and not near their school and issues in my mum and partners relationship but the mental torture your under is INSANE.

pinkhair your priority must become safety first. Please stop engaging with your H at all like this, because you are merely giving him the opportunity to further abuse you - and your son, who is at risk of overhearing it all.

WA advised you to get onto the social housing list, once you are at your Mum's. Do you know what the waiting list is for such an urgent case and can the voluntary organisations mentioned on this thread, assist with any fast-tracking? How quickly are properties like yours selling locally? What will be your equity?

Regard moving to your Mum's as a short-term measure and the lesser of two evils. Of course it would be more ideal if there were a vacant home you could move to locally, but it seems at the moment, you don't even know if that is a possibility.

Most of all, you need urgent and critical breathing space from the menace that is your H. At least give yourself some respite from that and it doesn't have to be forever. Move hell and high water to live separately from your H this weekend, because your safety and that of your son's, depends on it.

WWIFN I am going to stop engaging with h from now on, cos all he is saying is crap, and you are right my ds doesn't need to here it, but i will never speak bad about his d in front of him, and we never argue in front of ds, h trys to but i wont respond.

The women i saw the other day said that if i went to mums i could get on the gold band, which is to do with over crowding, and might get a house quicker that way, not sure though.

WWIFN I am going to stop engaging with h from now on

you keep saying that, but then go on to get sucked in again

you would be better off right out of his geographical proximity, as you seem unable to resist getting your head fucked with

I have just spoken to pinkhair . I have told her I am extremely concerned about her mental wellbeing and that of her ds (and H). You are right AF they are going round in a loop of hell.
Pinkhair was concerned about going to her parents as she finds it difficult to live with them, but I said anything is better than (particularly) the last few nights of extreme risk to her and ds. She is getting involved in huge arguements and saying things she regrets to her H, that puts her at greater risk. She can't think straight in that environment.
I suggested that she take the car now and collect ds from school and go to her mums till at least wed, when she sees solicitor, or even over the weekend till he moves out on sunday. Take it a day at a time. I said she should text him that she had the car for the weekend.
Fingers crossed the weekend gives her some thinking space that they all desperately need.

You are being a great and true friend PHBF. I do not minimise the effects this must be having on you personally, at a time when you are struggling with your own demons.

This madness in pinkhair's house cannot continue. You are deluding yourself pinkhair if you think your DS is not aware of what is happening, or that he is not being damaged by it. Get the hell out of there.

Pinkhair - I take it you didn't phone the Norwich CAB yesterday or today. I am a Mental Health Nurse and work a lot in the Community in and around Norwich - I know for a fact that if you phone them, they can get you free legal advice via a good solicitor over the phone today. As I said yesterday, you don't need to wait until next Wednesday. I don't want to upset you, and I hope I don't because I honestly want you and your lad to be safe and happy, but I really feel you are putting obstacles in the way of leaving. You don't get on well with your parents - sorry, but you have to just bite your tongue and get on with it, for the sake of your son. I think you need counselling, and would tentatively suggest CBT could be very helpful, you need to stop the continuous tape in your head that is telling you that you deserve all the shit he is dishing out. If you really don't feel strong enough to leave for yourself, for goodness sake do it for your lad. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I mean well for you.

Just wanted to update you all. Not sure if Pinkhair is able to get online tonight or in the next few days.
Pinkhair and her ds have now gone to her parents house. They were called by a friend and came to collect her from friends house and she will be staying at her parents house until at least after Christmas.
Her H is believed to have moved out to his parents today.
At least PInkhair and Ds are safe and in the right place at the moment.
Thanks again for all your support, I'm sure PInkhair will update at some point. xxx

Phew!

Thank you very much for the news, phbf.

Big phew!! It was kinda taken out of Pinkhairs hands in the end, she just couldn't see the damage it was doing to her by staying there.
All ok now though

thanks for the update

it is for the best

Well done PHBF. You are so great. Please keep us posted.

PH and nobody should trust that he will go on sunday.

Trust does not exist in his vocabulary.

Who is in the house tonight? And til weekend is over? please PM me the number and I'll ring it.

No effing around anymore. You should let local police know the house is unattended. If you are knackered by it all I will do it. Just PM me.

well done again xx

Thanks for the update PHBF - I hope you are able to have a break from it all too - you are going through the mill yourself, and supporting your friend, as you have done wonderfully, is draining for you. Glad PH is safe, especially the lad, let's hope the H moves out - although I won't hold my breath. You should be proud - you've been such a great friend to PH. Now look after you and yours.