What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Agree... He had enough chances to attempt to sort himself out.. but couldn't be arsed!

Hope your meeting with WA lady is really productive tomorrow Pinkhair.

Let us know how it goes won't you?

It's exciting-now the rest of your life can begin, without the dark cloud. one day you'll meet a decent bloke, who will show you how lovely you are, at last!

JellyKat i will let you all know how it goes tomorrow, h has gone to his parents tonight to talk to them, but told me he is not telling them the truth just that we have fell out of love, how so wrong....

He has said that its over as he hasn't put my name in his mum and dads card.....

and as for the times he wants to see our ds he only wants him every weekend, as im having him during the week cos of school, i'm not even going to get involved in this conversation with him, as i might say something i might regret.

Speak to you all soon ok.

No pinkhair, there is no point in trying to sort out contact arrangements at the mo.just take one stage at a time.. He'll probably change his mind tomorrow anyhow!

Well h has come back from his parents full of it, saying that he will only pay the morgage while he is living here, he is being so nasty and hurtful saying that i'm not going to be able to afford any where, and he is taking this and this and wants this, this is his true side coming out and its not nice at all. :(

You all said he would turn nasty and he has, :( he couldn't give a dam about me. Well if he wants a fight then he's got one, cos i'm not standing by and watching him destroy me.

I didn't say he would turn nasty, I said he already was

It's just you couldn't see it, but now you can

stay strong x

I'll try and stay strong, i have to for my ds, but i'll tell you something, he is making things very hard for me now.

going to phone that solitiser again today, but then again that lady i'm seeing this afternoon said that she knew of one too, so i'm not sure what to do now.

I promise to try and stay strong

Well, because he hasn't told his parents the full story, of course they'll have been full of indignation and will have fuelled his sense of self-righteousness (which has nothing to do with the truth).

Just stay neutral, don't get drawn into discussions with him so he has no fuel for his argument. If he says 'do you want to.. take this/that/move/sell up' etc, I suggest just saying I don't know, haven't thought about it. I'm sure we'll work something out, etc. He'll no doubt make empty threats about you being left with nothing, etc. Say that he may be right if you must. Just play the long game. Agree to absolutely NOTHING. Above all, don't get into lecturing him on his responsibilities. He'll only get angry again. Later on, he'll be forced to listen when he's sitting in court or in his solicitor's office, and that's when he'll be mad as a wet cat. Perhaps worse than you've ever seen him. Leave that to the experts to deal with, it will all be useful evidence later on.

You're doing so, so well. It's not you... essentially, nothing has changed here, only your own perspective on it all.

Hi all, just to let you all know that me and my ds are ok, i'm sorting lots of things out, and trying to stay really strong.

post again soon ok :)

hope you are able to get the right advice pink x

keep in touch x

You're great, pinkhair

I agree with missmehalia, be as boring and no-committal as possible around him. He doesn't have the right to tell you what to do, what to take or what to accept. (He never did, actually, but NOW you know it's true!)

xxx

Well my h has cleared out our savings, and he is an arsehole.

That lady I saw today was really good, she suggests I move out and get in touch with the housing people, so i'm doing that tomorrow, also she has have me a number of a really good sols so i'm going to give them a ring tomorrow too, I have seen the h has an appointment with a sols on 22nd dec.

I'll keep posting as much as I can, please keep giving me advice if you can :)x x

Shit pinkhair- He's cleared out the savings? I can't say i'm surprised though, he really is showing his colours now.. Do you have any money of your own?Is there a joint current account?

I'm worried that you are still in the house,can you go somewhere while the housing situation is being sorted? Is there a refuge nearby for instance?or can you go back to your friends?

Please as the others have said, be careful what you say, and how you say it, whilst you're in the house together.When you leave, take your valuables and important paperwork, i wouldn't put it past him to change the locks.

Keep posting, apart from us wanting to help, you are recording events and dates on here, for future reference.

oh dear

I don't know what to say, PH, other than I am really not surprised at all

please make safe any more assets, and valuables like passports, insurances, expensive jewelry etc

I wouldn't put it past him that he would simply destroy expensive and time-consuming-to-replace items

if he has cleared out joint money, find the statements or print them off online ...you may need them for proof to get the money back

pinkhair much as it makes me angry that he has cleared out your joint savings, I confess I am a little relieved that you've got some current proof of how awful this man is, because I was a little worried when I saw your earlier post, that you might be softening.

I really hope you find a great solicitor who will be more than a match for your H and that you get back what is rightfully yours. You have done so well and WA sound as though they have really come up trumps for you.

Keep disengaging and aiming for peace at home, until you can get him out.

Just seconding (thirding?) what the others have said, pinkhair. It's a bummer that he's taken the money - not too much of a surprise, though. he took advantage of your good nature and continuing trust in him to act like a sane, rational human being who cared. Twat (him).

On the up side, you're getting the right support from WA and your friends now, you'll be getting access to the right advice and your own eyes are clear at last. I'm a bit worried about what he might do next - please speak to WA first, but I'm wondering if it might be a good idea to go to your parents' - with DS and your important documents - for a while?

GraceAway thats where I am intended to go to my parents as I have no money so I cant stay in the house, mum and dad has said that there will always be a place for me and my ds there. The lady I spoke to today told me as well to go to my parents and then get on to the housing people of south norfolk and get them to find me a house near the school as my ds goes there and I work there.

We have tried to stay calm with each other but he makes me so angry and we both shouted a few words at each other, but me and my ds are ok, i'll post again soon. Thanks again x x

I'm glad you're both OK, sweetheart. Thanks for the update :)

As long as you have to deal with H, do your best to watch him like a DVD. It will make you stronger, as well as giving you less brain damage in the moment. It's detachment, you know?
I think being at your parents' for a while will do you the world of good! You know they love you (as in, love you rather than want stuff from you like H did) and that in itself will help you get your self back, hopefully :)

Good luck with the solicitor and the housing people! Cheering for you

FWIW I do not think you should leave the house.
WA advised you to stay in it too didn't they?

Get proof of the savings he has cleared out.

Do not leave the house. If anything, wait until he is out and get the locks changed as he is threatening and abusive and utterly untrustworthy. Can you get your parents to come and stay with you?

Please dial 999 if he does anything threatening to make you feel afraid for your safety.

When my exh cleared out our money and then came round to the house I locked him out and called the police. They advised me to change the locks.

Please contact WA again and tell them about the savings. Please ask for their advice again. This is concrete financial abuse never mind the other mental and emotional abuse.

I am concerned for you. Do not leave the house to stay with your parents. Get somebody to come and stay with you and change the locks.

Please keep posting.

Just to let you know i have got in touch with the solicitors and am going next wednesday to see them, it look like im going to move to my mum and dads at the weekend as it is just too much living here with h.

Thank you all again xx

Pinkhair well done for coping with all this crap. You should be really proud of yourself.

Go to the bank and get a print out of the savings accounts / joint accounts etc showing that he has withdrawn the funds. These funds do not belong to him but to you both and you may need to be able to demonstrate how much money you as a couple had so you can claim half from him.

UA I think the most recent advice from WA was that pinkhair left the house, since this came from the WA adviser ahe saw the other afternoon. I suspect this advice came from the perspective of safety first and I am relieved about that.

Not long to wait now pinkhair but please in the interim, make safety your first priority. The most dangerous time is now. Don't hesitate to get help between now and the weekend if you feel even vaguely threatened. I still think it would be worth having a chat with the police about how to cope over the next few days.

Also, do your neighbours know the situation and is there anyone there whom you can run to, if in immediate danger?

Oh ok. Thanks WWIFN I missed that - thought she meant the solicitor had advised her to leave.

I quite agree with you by the way re safety first.

PH please keep your son with you and try not to engage in any way argumentatively with your H. You are doing brilliantly and should be proud of yourself.

Are you going to tell H you are going to yr parents? Did WA advise you on that? I don't think you should, unless it's at the last minute as you drive away.

Stay in touch. x

Update, i'm going to stay in our house with my ds, and h is moving out, he is going to carry on paying the mortgage too until it is all sorted out, i feel its not fair moving my ds away from his friends and my friends too, i need them more than ever now.

WA only told me to go as it would make it easier for me to get on the housing list, and of course if in danger, but i am willing to call 999 if needed to.

speak to you all again soon xx