What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Sorry for the messy posting on here pinkhair, trying to do dinner but this is uppermost in my mind. I have SO been where you are.

I agree with the advice on here to remain passive, listen, nod, agree to NOTHING this weekend. (Agree with the person who said Sat nights are dodgy). Let him go up and down like a yo-yo. And watch. But.. inside you decide what YOU are going to do. Detach yourself from what he's saying, even if it's what you wanted to hear at one time.

Then Monday go for it. Take IMMEDIATE action with all your irreplaceable paperwork, take 50% of joint savings and put them in your name. Make a note of all joint financial dealings (account nos, etc). Put all passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate (ugh) etc somewhere OUT OF THE HOUSE (e.g. leave them with friends or family).

You may need to play the long game here. Keep your eyes on the prize!! You really can do this.

Good advice :) Make it like watching a video (I do this with my mother!) Ah yes, there's the nice stuff, the friendly voice ... There's the sulk ... Aha, we're getting a strop now, will it be a 4, 5 or 6? Ooh, a number nine strop! Good one! How long until the tears start?

... I bet you've done it before

Thank you all so much, you have all been so much support to me, you are all like family, i'll keep you all posted x x

Hope you are listening here PH. I am worried about you and your son.

Just act normal. If he has something to say about whether he is a fruit loop or doesn't want to go after all or he will never change or he is sorry and wants to give it a go...whatever card he plays, pretend to be interested but engage only when engaged with and do not offer any opinions. Grace said earlier 'I am feeling a bit dumb with confuision at the moment can we just leave it for thisd weekend' words to that effect.

No arguments with him.

keep your mobile in your pocket and with you.

Or if you have a hands-free landline even better. keep it with you in case he throws a wobbly.

If he does get angry or you feel even Vaguely threatened then call the police.

You do realise this is what WA mean when they say you can only get him out if he is violent don't you?

You can lie

WA will not say this outright and nor am I.
It is an option.

Do you feel the slightest bit afraid for you or or your son?

Then call the police

(trying not to be too blunt and obvious emoticon)

sorry to sound so bloody dramatic.

If only I had had my ExH removed from the house a few weeks earlier when I could have done, he would not have been able to leave me ten thousand pounds overdrawn or steal his daughters' money.

He financially abused me terribly.

I did not take the necessary action early enough.

D'you know, UA, I've read at least 20 Police websites about this - and never realised what they were saying [lightbulb]! It all makes sense now!

It is a very moot point and not to be used lightly grace.

No crying wolf.

Just like the changing the locks thing.

The police told me to change the locks when my exH had gone. At that point nobody knew exactly where he had gone or whether he would come back. But the police felt I should not take the risk.

It was the marital home and on paper I should not have been allowed to change the locks.

These situations are a risk assessment.

PH's husband sounds ready to try anything to get his way. But I don't know of course. This is an internet forum.

posting intermittently as watching telly.

Keep us informed PH

Have also got everything crossed for you.

Just letting you all know me and ds are ok, h is being his normal self again...so much for the so called mental health issues he was feeling...he is so trying to mess my head up. But I am going to be and stay strong. Post again soon :-)

Great that you sound strong. Thanks for keeping us up to date.

Yep, playing the mental health card is true to script. These men think they are being oh so clever though. Glad to hear that you are really starting to see right through him.

Remember, nod, disengage, play dumb. No arguments today. Solicitor tomorrow.

Thanks for updating pinkhair as had been worried about you and your son. First thing tomorrow, get an appointment at the sols and let us know how you get on. You are staying wise to his tricks now, which is so encouraging. Don't give in now - move heaven and earth to live separately, but behind the scenes.

Just seen this, and wanted to lend support, pinkhair. Sounds ghastly, and he sounds v unstable. Try to stick to your plans and stay strong. He has sensed your move towards detachment, so is 'becoming normal' to keep you with him. The minute he feels 'safe', he'll do all this again and you'll maybe wish you hadn't wavered.

Of course you want it to work out with him, but above all, protect yourself, and proceed with getting advice, whatever else you do in the short term. Nobody on here will judge you if this all takes a while, so many of us have been there. We know that only you can know when you've had enough, but sadly the likelihood is that he'll go weird again. His problems are bigger than both of you.

Since my last post this morning, he has gone from being all crying to be normal again and then crying again but this time keeps cuddling our ds and saying I love you so much, and when I talked to him and said that why is he making this day so hard all he keeps saying is cos I know whats going to happen, i'm losing you. And I said, well you only have yourself to blame for that you have brought this all on yourself. I said to him that when I felt really low and depressed I got on the phone to my mum and had a chat, but he wont call his parents cos he says I dont know what to say to them. I said how about the truth?

...which is precisely why I keep saying to keey your son in your sight at all times. Have a word at school especially. Your H sounds unstable and I don't trust him.

Are you definitely going to phone a solictor tomorrow?

"keep" your son in sight

Well done honey. I am so proud of you xxxx You are handling it so well. Just remember....it was your Mum and Dad you called when you were low because he offered you no support at all. He was putting you down, letting you down and being angry with you when you were at your lowest.

PHBF it was also you that gave me the strenght to tell my mum and dad, and for that I owe you everything. WWIFN Yes I am going to go into the sols tomorrow morning on my way home from school. Need to know what to do next and how to get things moving on. I'll post again soon, i'm doing it on my phone so I have to be careful ok.
Dont worry I wont let my ds out of my sight.

checking back in after the weekend

stay strong, PH, and speak to the solicitor tomorrow am x

Had another chat with h tonight, and he's not going to move out or buy me out, he wants to sell the house. He reckons i'm showing no signs of emotion cos I haven't cried in front of him or our son, but I have done nothing but cry my eyes out every night. Yeah I wish things could have been so much different for us, but he choose to be an arsehole and treat me and my son like crap. But then when I talk to him about his behaviour he denies it, says its all me.

stop chatting with him, PH

it is getting you precisely nowhere

disregard everything he says from now on, and take advice from a solicitor

anything else is just a continued mindfuck

He is wrong.

He is going to move out.

And he knows it, so is heading you off at the pass.

Oh, and 'you're showing no signs of emotion' translates as 'you're not a dribbling begging wreck. Why are you not submitting to my shitty treatment'.

Just keep nodding. Keep dribbling.

Get yourself to the solicitors this morning.

If you feel afraid, even slightly afraid, then call the police.

That is what I pay my taxes for.

Sounds like he's not far off being sectioned! (Not that I'd know anything about that, mind..)

Today's your chance to shine, pinkhair, he's not the one who gets to call the shots now. Personally I think you've got enough evidence here already to maintain you feel threatened. I think you should consider the idea of changing the locks one day while he's out. Send all his belongings to someone who'll maybe put him up for a while, so he's got access to everything he needs.

I do realise this sounds melodramatic/bossy/reactionist. However, I'm concerned about how on earth you can actually get him out of there, because I don't think you should be there on your own with him and DS when you tell him that he'll have to go. Who knows what he'll do...

Consider making your plans and get your advice, but don't lose it and tell him on the spur of the moment that he'll have to go, I'm worried that this will place you and DS in a very vulnerable position!! Get him out of the property first.

He has responsibilities, not just rights, and he's not thinking about those at all. He's only thinking of himself, from all accounts.

Remember, you do not need to persuade him of anything or prove anything to him. You don't need to win the argument. You don't need him to say sorry (as he wouldn't mean it anyway). It no longer matters why he does what he does. You are getting out.

Those mind games are so horribly familiar, XH did all of them, including accusing me of manipulation and claiming he'd talked to the doctor about my "psychosis". He was going to leave until he realised I wasn't going to beg him to stay... all of it.

He is now history. I did it and you can, too.

Well i have spoke to a helpline today that WA gave me as they are only open monday-friday, she was really helpful and is going to send me some stuff in the post today, ie about how to go about things and how to eal with situations and regconise signs.

I also spoke to a solicitor on the phone today, but she is not available until after xmas, and she doesn't do a free consultation either, but she did say that i would proberly be able to get legal aid and she can help me with that.

I am going to see if i can get h to leave the house as he is making my life unbearable just by moping around all the time, one minute he is ok, then the next he's not.

The only thing that is bothering me is that if i cant get h to leave, i dont really want to go anywhere with my ds, why should i, ds has everything he needs he at his home.

H is using tactics like he said to me as im not going to stand by him and support him through his tough times then there's no point in him being around anymore....so when i confronted him about it again he said that he didnt mean what he said...he also said that has its over i can have his wedding ring and sell it and have the money, and guess what...he didnt mean that either......arsehole.