What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Good. Hope you get some more help. Glad you're at your friend's with DS :)

I am trying to contact WA but they are so busy, but while i am here for a while i will keep trying to get in touch.

while i'm waiting can someone please give me advice as what to do, shall i talk to him later on and see if he is prepared to change, or do i stick to my guns and make him leave.

Guns! Stick!

so as a response to that then Graceaway, i should stick to my guns and make him leave??

Do you think time apart so he can sort his head out a good idea or not??

HE SHOULD LEAVE. HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Clear enough?

Yes it is thank you WWIFN, once again i'm sorry if i offended you by what i told my h, i thought i was doing the right thing at the time.

WWIFN if he wont leave on his own how do i get him to leave, how do i go about it as WA said unless he is violent towards me or feel threatened the police wont do anything.

I've just gone back through your thread. I don't know how you're surviving all this without getting the screaming abdabs!!

Tues, 19 Oct - H is being nice.
Thurs, 21 Oct - H goes through your bag, goes mad, says end of marriage.
Fri, 29 Oct - You're back in love.
Sat, 27 Nov - He's switching moods all the time.
Mon, 29 Nov - He's always moaning & yelling at DS.
Weds, 1st Dec - H says this is how I am, I'm not changing.
Thurs, 2nd Dec - H always shouting & swearing.
Sat, 4th Dec - H always changing moods, says it's your fault, you make him shout & swear.
Mon, 6th Dec - In Norwich, H says he'd like to be single and go to lots of pubs & clubs.
Tues, 7th Dec - You went out with friends, had a good time.
Weds, 8th Dec - Back home. You feel very low.
Thurs, 9th Dec - He says he'll consider counselling, but you say he shows no emotion.

That's in just six weeks - and you had a major back operation in that time! It's crazy, Pinkhair, nobody can live like that and stay healthy, never mind sane.

If you just have a quick read of that, then ask yourself if anybody's emotionally unstable, unreliable and doesn't know their own mind in that relationship ... it isn't you.

He won't change. He might want to, but he can't. He's got a screw loose :(

And can I just remind you, your life partner is supposed to make you feel better, not like you're constantly on trial.

You need to be guided by what WA advises about how you can compel him to leave. It might also be worth starting another thread to ask for specific advice on this, as lots of posters will know how you can achieve this. Have you got through to WA yet today? You need definite and incontrovertible advice about how to get him out of the house, but your own and your DS's safety is absolutely paramount. Much more important than bricks, mortar and financial loss.

Please stop telling him about your plans, because in doing so, you increase your risk factors to not just you but your son. You need to see your H as a dangerous man who can hurt you both. Please assess this risk more accurately. While you are getting information, do not risk inflaming the situation by talking to him. Lie through your teeth if needs be, but all the time, move towards getting him out of the house.

If I see you asking if he can ever change, or whether you should give him another chance, I will have to leave the thread again because as I said before, my anger and feelings should be of no concern to you at the moment. It doesn't matter what I think. I care for your son and you, in that order, because he is a child. You should be the same, in my view and you should stop putting your own and your H's needs above your son's.

GraceAway, how can i get him to leave, or do i play it cool this weekend and then first thing monday morning find a solitiser, or there is a chance i can go round one of my friends, but i dont see why i should move me and my ds out of my house...

I'm inclined to say stay with your friend, then speak to a solicitor on Monday - also ring the CAB for an appointment. I'm thinking that, if your friend can have you for the two nights, you & DS will get a bit of calm and you can organise your thoughts a bit. Was it your Christmas party tonight? Are you still going?

The way the pair of you go about things, it's all a big push-me-pull-you game. It's really not good for any of you, especially DS. If you stay with your mate just now, it seems likely your H will come over all sorry and wanting another chance. TBH, he's had plenty of chances. He's had more chances on this thread than most partners want in a lifetime!! I'd recommend calling your mum & sister over the weekend, too, and other supporrtive people.

I know it's hard to break out of this kind of relationship once you're locked in - it's like an addiction, you truly do need support to get clear of it and start enjoying life properly.

WWIFN i spoke to WA just now and they said unless he is voilent towards me or my ds then i cant have him removed, i will have to wait until monday when i can seek legal advice.

Im not going to mention it any more as i know he will never change.

Pnkhair wrote: i know he will never change

HURRAH! Hold that thought ... because you're right. He won't.

But you & DS can have a nice life :)

Do you know what GraceAway, you have just made me smile for the first time in a long while. :)

Happy to hear that! x

Do you know what I have just gone home and h has said to me that I have looked on the nhs web site and my simptons look like I have mental health issues, will you stay with me and help me get through this.....
My reply was how the hell do you think Me and ds have been feeling with the way you have treated us. I agree you need help but not with me there with you.... His reply was well life really isn't worth living then is it?

"life really isn't worth living then is it?"

well if that is what he thinks well that's his problem

BUT

Pinkhair your life will certainly be worth living when you and your DS are free of this Twat

My exH played exactly the same card Pinkhair.

Do not be taken in.

My exh said he was having a breakdown and was depressed and sought 'therapy'. The therapist he said he wanted to go to was in Bath and could we move there as he could not drive all that way all the time.

I said no.

A few days later he was 'depressed' and 'meltdowned' enough to book a flight online to Thailand, organise his passport, drain our accounts of all monies, drain his two little daughters post-office accounts of 8 ground (that is truly shocking. To steal from your own bloody kids ) then drive to London stopping for a slap up lunch on my account on the way,
cathc the planer...blah blah. I even rang the airport police to check he was ok before he boarded the plane as I was so worried about his mental health.

Guess what. They rang me back, said he knew perfectly well what he was doing, was no threat to himself and allowed him to board.

What WWIFN said.

He needs to do some growing up.

You'd be so angry with yourself if you spent a further 19 yrs mothering him as well as your DCs. And what your children see happening will be template for their adult relationships, too.

It's not just for them. I think you've done the right thing by putting some space between you. Though I think he should be the one who has had to leave the nest, he's hardly looking after it, is he?

Make sure you investigate your rights. Be careful about leaving him with the family home for too long...

Oh yes and for good measure, he told me he was going to kill himself.

It is such a boring pathetic but dangerous script.

Please do not effing listen to this shit

It's not til he's HAD to stand on his own two feet for a while that he could ever begin to appreciate how much work he has made for you. It's impossible for him to know any other way. I was with a partner once who got really angry when I didn't do his washing for him when he moved into my place. (Only because his mother didn't do it.) I ended up having to show him how to use the washing machine! It was a long, slow process, and though things got better, it really didn't work in the long term. It was such a relief to meet someone who wasn't so immature.

To be honest it woul do you a bloody favour if he topped himself. But they never do. Not the type of man you have described on here.

Do Not fall for any of it. Reply briefly but succinctly and do not rock the boat: "I am sorry you feel that way". Do not engage with him.

Sat nights are dangerous.

I thought you were going to stay with yourfriend tonight|?

His mother did everything for the ex, I mean. Posting too fast, this is a subject very dear to my heart! He will have to sort himself out if he is to be of any use to you or your DS.

Life without him could be fantastic - it does take time to get used to, but just think what a relief it could be not to have to always plan around him and his nasty little ways.

I agree you need help but not with me there with you

That was a sensible reply, Pinkhair.

Him saying "life isn't worth living then" is an effort a emotional blackmail. Think about it - he's sayinge you and your six-year-old son are responsible for his mental health. That's bonkers.

Even if you were a fully-qualified mental health professional, you couldn't take responsibility unless he were in your care, in hospital. You're not, he isn't and DS certainly isn't a MH professional!

No i'm not staying with my friend I thought it was best just to keep quiet this weekend until monday and then get some legal advice, I dont see why I should move me or my ds out of the house and WA confirmed it too say home but if he turns nasty dial 999 and I will.