What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

PH...he has told you what he is now

listen to him

we knew he would not follow through on his empty promises and it was just to shut you up for a while

do you see that now ?

go to your family's for xmas

there is nothing to keep you there now, nor ever to come back to

he is showing you your future

listen to him

Hello, PH :)

I have a suggestion for you. It might not be a good one, I will definitely bow to wiser advice if it isn't.

I would much rather you call for help and leave. But, if you're still too confused, scared, hopeful, etc, then here is my suggestion. Agree with him. Say yes, you're right, I hadn't realised how depressed I must be. I've been thinking about it and I am mentally ill. I will get an emergency appointment at the doctor's on Monday. This must be hard for you and I will try to keep quiet this weekend.

On Monday, go to the doctor as you promised. Take a printout of your posts with you, show the doctor.

At home, be as boring as you possibly can. Be quiet, speak when you're spoken to, say your feelings have gone numb (this is probably true!) and you've got no interest or opinions for anything at all.

Later in the week, ask your best friend to sit with you while you phone Women's Aid. Good luck with everything :)

Well i have made the decision to finally call WA on my own, things have gone from bad to worse, he has now admitted that things have not been good for the last 5 years, he hasnt felt the same about me since then, he is saying that he is going to his parents next week as he says he cant stay in the same house as me....he is blaming everything on me, saying that its all my fault,its all in my head,he is also saying that i'm more depressed than i'm letting on, but i know i'm not.

He has also said that he wants to get the house valued and see if he can buy me out??

He told me he wants a divorce, but then said its a shame we couldn't of made a go of it, and looked at me as though it was all my fault.

Thanks again for all you support and help on here.

You really need to get some legal help. Sorry but getting the house valued, makes me wonder if he is going to try and sell it without telling you. Please talk to WA asap!

Mummytime- I'm going to give WA a call as soon as i have put my son to bed, h is not home until 10pm so i have time, but just incase he comes home early i'm going to lock the door so at least i can have time to put the phone down or at least tell them he's coming in and pretend it is someone else on the phone.

I dont know why it has taken me this long to get things sorted, but i now know i have got to be really strong for my ds, i know im going to go through shit loads of hell and everything else, but if it means me and my ds can have a better life then it is worth every single bit.

Thanks for all your advice on here. xx :)

We are all behind you pinkhair. It will be better then you are imagining. Good luck and well done.

Well here goes..........i am sooooo nervous, i have butterflies in my stomach, but I AM doing the right thing....YES.

Have just read the whole thread.

My ex-P was the same as your H - it was only when he went travelling without me and I had 2 months of a happy, stress free life that I realised how bad things had got. When he came back, it still took months for me to break off contact altogether.

As others have said, he will not change he will only give enough for you to stay. Once he realises you are going, he will turn nasty. I hope you are on the phone to WA now.

Please remember children learn what they see. Your DS has already seen that he should talk down to you, break promises, be the only one in his adult relationship to use the car, that he does not need to do housework and that Daddys only play with their children when they can be bothered. If you don't go soon, your DS will treat your grandchildren this way.

I know this is harsh and I do not want to cause you further pain but I wish my friends had told me these things. Please please please leave him immediately.

Well i phoned them and they were so helpful, they have gave me lots of advice, but have also told me i have to stay put and not to leave, if anything he must go, they also said i need to see a solicitor and get legal advice straight away.

i have lots to do now, but i will keep you all up to date with whats going on, but once again thank you all so very much. that includes you to WWIFN, for opening my eyes even wider and making me do something about the situation :)

Oh, BRILLIANT! Well done, you :)
Keep going - the only way is up! x

Thank you GraceAwayInAManger, feel really please with myself xx

Well done Pinkhair you have done very well tonight.
However l dont believe he has any intention of moving out next week, l think he is just playing mind games again.
This is where you will have to be strong, stand firm with what you have been told by WA and please please seek legal advice.

You are doing so well and have come such a long way. Think of the life you could and should be having with your DS. That should keep you focused.

pinkhair You are an absolute star. I am proud of you

Doha - you are correct he has come home all emotional and saying how much he is going to miss our ds, but couldn't play with him or take him to the doctors when I needed to cos of his lunch.

H came home from work last night all emotional and went straight upstaris to our ds bedroom and made a point of giving him a hug and a kiss even though this was gone 10pm. When he came down I asked him why is he getting so emotional now where as earlier he showed no signs, he says he is going to miss our ds and thats why he is not moving out next week now he wants so see as much of him as possible. What should I do now, do I make him leave or do me and my ds leave?

Pinkhair, is the house in joint names and do you have a joint bank account?

Pinkhair,

re your comment:-
"What should I do now, do I make him leave or do me and my ds leave?"

Please do not doubt yourself now by thinking the above.

Womens Aid advised you as per one of your recent posts to do the following i.e to stay put and not to leave, if anything he must go, they also said i need to see a solicitor and get legal advice straight away.

Remember the above and make that your mantra; your H is just trying to manipulate this whole situation again. Waking your son to give him a hug and a kiss well past his bedtime just smacks to me of more manipulation on his part as well.

It is only when you are finally free of this man that you will perhaps realise the full enomity of his abuse meted out. If WA do a Pattern changing or Freedom programme type course in your area do attend it as that could help you as well. These types of men take years to recover from.

Unlikelycracker- yes the house is in joint names but even though we are married we have never had a joint bank account, h idea not to, he has always been that way, his money is his and mine is mine. So I have to take money from his account to put into mine to pay the bills. But now he has just said are you sure we are doing the right thing by spilting up? I am just getting on as normal I suppose I feel relieved in a way, where is he is feeling so down and lost, as though he is losing control over me.

Oh he is following the script.
You are now meant to go down on bended knee and beg him to stay. DON'T YOU DARE.

Stay put and ignore his dramatics--it's all just to play with your mind.

You are doind the correct thing here. He is the twat.
Don't play along with him, stay calm for the weekend and plan something nice for you and your DC to do.
On Monday get on that bloody phone for a solicitor appointment, when you have done that you will feel better and more empowered.

Keep up the good work today

In that case he is not able to sell the house from under you. He would need your agreement in writing. And thank goodness you don't have joint bank accounts.

Joint savings? Anything else he might be able to take out without you knowing or needing to be a signature for do you know?

In the circs I don't think Grace's suggestion is a bad one for today and tomorrow. Play dumb. Just nod, be aquiescent to any requests. Don't rock the boat with him.

Then on Monday get yourself down to a solicitor straight away. You can get a free half hour from most solicitors these days. You could actually ring one up if that's easier: pick a local one in your town or nearest and ask to speak to a solicitor on their team who deals with divorce.

Do not take anything this man says seriously. He is playing mind games. You need to get out of this relationship for your son's sake.

I am actually slightly worried about your safety now. If you feel afraid at any point, call the police. And try not to let your son out of your sight.

Keep going.

Does he go to work today? He must not see this thread. How are you posting without him seeing?

He is not at work, but dont worry when h is here most of my posts are done on my phone as i have free web and walk, which is so handy....

we have joint savings but he is saying that because he has put about 90% of it in there it is all his, but WA said no thats not right, it should be split 50-50.

I am going to my works do tonight, but i really dont think he would take my ds away, he knows i would go mad and i mean that...

Dont worry though cos if i feel threatened in antway i will call the police, i owe that to myself and my ds.

I did call WA last night while he was at work, and they were brilliant, so helpfull, but there isn't much i can do until monday as most places are not open at weekends, please dont stop giving me advice though, you are all helping me so much to stay strong too. :)

He may try to remove the savings. Can you make sure you have bank statements showing how much is in there so that you have proof of the amount. Check it online?

Are you in touch with his parents? Are they likely to be helpful to you in any way at all? Can he stay with them when he leaves?

Don't take anything for granted or assume anything with this man. Take all precautions you can think of. Start gathering up necessary paperwork: passports, birth certificates for you and DS, copies of bank statements and savings accounts, pension accounts for you both, and wither put them somewhere safe or give them to someone else to look after.

Did WA give you any concrete advice about how you get him to leave?

Said I wouldn't come back to this thread, but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't issue a warning based on some overwhelming instincts.

Don't let your son out of your sight pinkhair and if you go to the do tonight, ensure that someone else is caring for him, in a place to which your H has no access.

This is the most dangerous time, for you and your son. Protect him at all costs. Please take this seriously.

When i spoke to WA last night i said to them that he was going to go, but cos of what he said now when he came home from work that he dont want to go, i dont know what to do to get him out. he has said this morning that he doesnt want us to spilt up now, he wants us to work things out, but why now, after everything he has said....yet again he is playing with my mind.

I think i am going to call WA again now and see what they say, i'm at a friends house so i know i am safe and my ds is with me.