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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(d)h threatened to hit me

580 replies

itstimmy · 10/10/2010 08:52

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 26/10/2010 14:29

you can pick up a spare charger from one of those dodgy mobile phone shops for about £5.

heck you can buy a whole new PAYG mobile for about £5 or £10! get one - get a new PAYG mobile which will be a number just for him to use. cut him off from your daily life and personal mobile.

NicknameTaken · 26/10/2010 14:43

Hi Timmy, I like your approach to wait for a year and see. You're doing great.

pickledbabe · 26/10/2010 15:17

"He would literally have to change into a different person...the thought of having to sit through anymore 'monologues' where I have to sit and do an impression of a nodding dog...so boring. And he found me boring...he admitted he didn't listen because I went on for so long... its all trivia about my day but I'm trying to make contact with him, talking for talking's sake just to connect. Obviously did not work for him. "

think about that one, too.
You don't want to sit through any more of his monologues - but he found you boring? so, you wanted to fill him in with what happened that day, and that was boring to him, but he expected you to sit and listen to him talking about himself?

He's not AS, or autistic. He is mean, nasty and manipulative.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2010 17:03

He is not genuine. Not genuine as far as caring about you or the girls.

Yes genuine as far as being an abusive jerk with a massive sense that he is entitled to treat you really badly and that you should put up with it.

He and his mum are going to get in such a lot of trouble if they continue to treat the court and court papers and orders with contempt as they are doing. They will run you over like tanks if you give them even half a chance, Timmy. They really seem to have no sense of being accountable to anyone.

Life as a single parent rocks at times. Looking back on the initial period after separation for me, I remember standing up straight and being able to breathe deeply, have dinner sitting on the couch if we all felt like it, spill water at the table and not 'provoke' WW3, come and go as I pleased. DD1 sat and watched TV with the family after years of holing up in her room. It was like life was before with all the things that needed doing, except no feeling of pressure. A weight lifted and gone off my shoulders.

'Why Does He Do That; Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft is the best book I ever read bar none on the subject of men like your stbXH.

DutchOma · 26/10/2010 19:52

Timmy, at the beginning of the thread you said that you dd1 was a total daddy's girl, but that he not only smacked her, but also taught her to defend herself by kicking and pushing when she was bullied at school.
Now, I know and understand that you would like your children to have a loving father, but please think carefully about the issues here. If he wanted access you would drop them off in his sole care, at his parents, where you say his mother is 'as mad as a box of frogs' and his father is abusive.
Is that a good environment for them? Then after a couple of hours/days your dd would have to come away back into your care. How would she feel about that?
Things are very hard for her at the moment, but if you don't encourage contact, it may be that when she is older she will understand that you really did the best thing for her by not encouraging contact.
If you can be a bit vague about when she will see Daddy, it may be that eventually she adjusts to just being with you.
The other thing is could you ask your solicitor to suggest to him that he instructs a firm of removal men to return your Nana's table and to pack up his belongings in a couple of boxes?

mathanxiety · 26/10/2010 21:07

Agree.

I really think the less time your DD spends with her father the better, and if she must see him (i.e. if he drags you to court and the court orders it) then a contact centre is the best option, and only for a few hours maximum. You should insist on this.

She will settle down and have a period of adjustment which will be very hard for you both, but then begin to recover. A father like this is like heroin for a child.

kingbeat23 · 27/10/2010 10:31

Hi Timmy,

Just wanted to add my tuppence. Am meeting with XDP on Friday to agree some arrangements with regards to our daughter and contact.

When we split I thought I wanted him to have contact with his daughter and being as she's only 18 mo, I thought that when they did have contact it wouldn't damage her that much. the reality is that EACH AND EVERY TIME they have had contact she has had sleep disturbances for a week after.

He comes to my house drunk and demands to see her and am compiling evidence to get a restraining order. Your case may not be like that, but however much you think that the children won't be affected by having contact with controlling twunts like our XDP's....it will. I totally concur with the others when they say dont force the issue of contact and if you can keep it to a bare minimum then do so. Go to a contact centre, it's neutral ground for everyone and people there controlling the access/contact depending on the type of centre you go to.

I however, for reasons i am not going to go into, do not have the luxury of using a contact centre and am preparing to tell the father to do one and never come back.....do i feel awful, well actually, no not really.

mathanxiety · 27/10/2010 20:18

My DCs are in open rebellion about having to see their father. DS(17) is counting the months until he turns 18, knows exactly how many weekends are left. It has already dawned on DD4 that one day she will be the only one left, and the thought freaks her out.

I feel terrible that I could divorce him and get him out of my hair to a large extent, but as long as he felt entitled to and as long as the law allowed him to demand they see him, they are stuck complying with his wishes. Really, if he doesn't push it, don't offer. And if he does insist on his rights, make sure it's a contact centre, and not overnight, just a few supervised hours. And don't let him near your home for pick up or drop off. That's just too tempting for someone like this man.

kingbeat23 · 27/10/2010 20:50

this one might have to go through your solicitor and find your local office, but way better than the alternatives.

CalamityKate · 28/10/2010 08:42

Please don't use Asperger's as an excuse for your husband being an arsehole. That's incredibly insulting to people who are genuinely on the spectrum.

AllOverIt · 28/10/2010 14:26

I don't think she is Calamity. I think he's just a shit, who happens to also have some of the symptoms. Not a shit because he has the symptoms, if you know what I mean.

How are you today Timmy?

HansieMom · 28/10/2010 17:02

MathAnxiety, I thought when children got to the age of 11 or 12, old enough to make decisions about visiting the other parent, that they could choose whether to visit or not?

AppleHEAD · 28/10/2010 18:09

Take your children and run

AllOverIt · 28/10/2010 18:33

She already ran applehead!

DutchOma · 28/10/2010 18:53

ItsTimmy, how are you? We haven't heard for a bit and are thinking of you.

mathanxiety · 29/10/2010 20:37

Not the case afaik, HansieMum. And the residential parent can be accused of alienation of affections, depending on the unscrupulousness of the parent the children don't want to see. If the father insists (my exH is very clear about taking what he is entitled to) then barring gross and demonstrable unfitness he will be given his pound of flesh. The system runs on the mistaken belief that any old father is better than none for children, and the concurrent notion that alternate weekend visits constitute a relationship.

Timmy, hope you're not left too drained now that the adrenaline rush is over.

mumonthenet · 30/10/2010 20:55

Hi, Timmy, hope you're ok.

We're all still thinking of you.

AllOverIt · 31/10/2010 08:53

Hope you're okay Timmy - Let us know that you're okay

DelGirl · 03/11/2010 19:09

Bumping this. Let us know all is ok Timmy. Thinking of you.

mumonthenet · 03/11/2010 21:51

Thinking of you Timmy.

Hope all is well.

fairymist · 04/11/2010 09:30

mathanxiety - how old were your children when you got out of your relationship with their father?

SconesForTea · 07/11/2010 21:41

Bump.

DutchOma · 08/11/2010 12:53

Was anybody ever in touch with the real 'Timmy'?

HelenaRose · 08/11/2010 20:15

Hope you're ok, Timmy - been thinking of you.

TheLadyEvenstar · 13/11/2010 22:36

Timmy, How are you been thinking about you.