(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

GIVE, put up/shut up sums it up...that paragraph sums it all up...because its taken 7 years to get to him actually threatening me as opposed to 'if a woman talked to me like that'...

to be in a loving relationship...never had one, not even with family...just with my girls...dd1 and i are not as close as i would like...more due to h taking over, she's 'his' girl

I've not told anyone else this because i was so shocked and horrified...if he took a girl home and she was drunk and fell asleep, he would still have sex with her as she will have consented by coming back to his house. he used to have sex with his gf when she was drugged up...i find the whole thing disgusting and why on earth would you want to have sex with someone completely unresponsive. He likes to be in control all the time. times i've felt dirty after sex, like a prostitute, because its easier than explaining why i don't want to have sex with him, or its been so unemotional and unloving

He's conditioned you to think it's your fault.

He's isolated you from DD1 on purpose to make it harder for you to leave "dd1 will be heartbroken if he left. He has totally taken over her care, I have never felt like she is mine since she was born so now he has to read her bedtime story and has to get her up in the morning."

He is harming her with his behaviour. He may not be 'hitting her' in a DV sense (yet?) but all this business about how to handle the bully, vile outlook on life and control of you and the constant fear you live in will be having an effect on her and of course DD2.

You must be strong and wake up to the fact that he has been training you for 7 years to feel that it's you and even though it is plainly not true, it will only get worse. He will escalate and you will become less and less of a person with less and less of a say in your own life and the safety and wellbeing of your children.

Please listen to the books, the counselling and your previous experience and that little voice in your head telling you that it is not right and you and your girls deserve more. You deserve not to live in fear. It's not a lot to ask, is it ?

Phone Women's Aid, take some advice and leave with your girls as soon as you can. Please.

sorry as far as i know he has not had sex with drunk stranger but regually said he would do it...

he is pushing you to see how far he can push it before you will 'give him the green light' (as he sees it) to hit you.

All this talk of raping strangers and 'if a woman talked to me like that' (which, incidentally is a threat to you) are little tests to see where your breaking point is. He is getting a kick out of it.

He sounds dangerous, both sexually and in a physically violent sense. Not just to you but to any female and I include your daughters in that statement. GET OUT.

The more I read, the more I am terrified for you and your girls.

Sweetheart, you say you married him because he reminded you of your own abusive father. How will you feel if your lovely DDs do the same and marry a man (I use that term loosely) similar to your H? They will learn to copy your relationship blueprint.

he does sound dangerous and the thing that always galls me about these situations is how women always think they are depriving their children of a daddy.

the real truth is this is all about you, not the kids, becuase if you had the childrens best intrests at heart, you would leave.

the start reality is this. you cannot be in an abusive relationship AND be a good mother.

you need to leave, you are doing your children a huge disservice.

however, don't go bolting off, please seek legal advice, speak to cab and google your benefit entitlements, make sure you have all important documentation to hand

passports, driving licence, insurance details for car in your name, all debt letters in your name, birth certificates for the children. photographs.

ring womens aid

brilliant advice re documentation and legal advice from custy.

Even if he does not hit you ever, you are bringing your children up in a household with a threatening atmosphere.

Your children WILL sense (if they have not already sensed) the tension and fear and intimidation.

They will then grow up and get into a relationship with similar undertones. Is that what you want?? Children learn about relationships from their own lives.

Yes there will be a period of adjustment for your dc when you leave but that will be far less harsh than their future in their current family situation.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but you dont seem to realise how shit a situation you are in.

Where is his compassion, warmth and support to you? FFS - he forced sex on you. This man does not care one bit about your emotional well being.

Get help and get out. Make a real plan now and just do it. Call womens aid as suggested - you ARE they very type of person they are there to help.

Please love - get help and just get out.

"I'm sure he would not hurt [DD], he has smacked her before."

when i wanted to leave i thought of course about my girls and how i never wanted them to have this relationship and i know why i got into this one via my mother and fathers relationship but i felt/feel i'm being selfish putting my own feelings of wanting a loving relationship above them and i'm taking away their daddy, i'm scared of where we will end up, i'm scared of losing them, i'm scared of what he will do if he finds i have taken them away, what about all the practical stuff. we do have a lot of money in a joint back account, how much could i transfer to my own account.

i keep thinking i'm exaggerating but there is not one dissenting voice amoung you...

and...he doesn't like cats. I should have known not to marry a cat hater. He has said he would not have second thoughts abotu taking a toffee hammer to him, suggested he may not like it if i did it to his dog and he said it would not bother him in the slightest. I didn't take him seriously he's said it so often...it was a few nights ago before threats. I really did not take him seriously...

i've wanted to leave and walk out before but thinking back i was always too scared of his reaction. not mentioned divorce because of what his reaction could be...kept thinking i was being selfish wanting to leave.

but he would still have access to the girls wouldn't he? he hasn't actually done anything to me or them i could not keep them safe. I'm sure they would be fine to see him but i would not want to be around him, i could imagine he would make life difficult

custy you strike a note about being a good mother...i feel i have taken out my anger with h on dd1...being cross with her, its all much improved since she started school, i'm calmer now than i was in the last year, dd2 is only 18 mth and i have felt like a single parent with no back up. he is around but only in his way, would not help with dd2 when she didn't sleep though night for 13.5 mths. just said she was to cry it out, helped 4 times in all that time.

he's an intelligent man though, why would he risk hitting me? he could/can lose everything he has...why do it? it makes no sense, i feel he does love the girls, if not me, its them that would suffer from him hitting me...does he think i would not walk out...is he betting i will just put up and shut...oh its sinking in....i've put up and shut up for 7 years.

You are not the one who is taking a dad away from the children. His threatening of violence and raping their lovely mum is what took him away from them. He had a choice about his behaviour, and he's chosen behaviour that is criminal, dangerous, frightening and is hurting a lovely person and his lovely children.

You helping his children to find a safe space is not taking him away from them at all. It's respecting your need and their need to find safety, love and freedom. Any good court (let's hope for one...) will allow access to a loving Dad in safe ways. But they should always be looking at the safety of the children first. Again, women's aid are experts in guiding you through all of this when you're ready and in ways you can cope with and feel safer with.

He's taught you to feel guilt for his behaviour. Let him carry his own load.

Timmy, I'm so sorry that you and your children are having to live through this. The behaviour you husband is displaying is extremely abusive and controlling and more importantly none of that is your fault.

Please, please leave before this situation escalates. You and your kids deserve so much better, and relationships can be so much more loving and balanced than this.

You don't deserve to be living with the threat of violence and anger, and neither do your children.

hugs.

bingo

can i not warn him what will happen if he hits me (quailing at thought...) how do i take some control back...(quailing at thought again) ooookkkaaaayyyyyy i see where this is leading...he always insisted one of us be in control, making the decisions, gradually that has become him...the times i'm ready to blow my top over some unilateral decision that i can't argue against...in case i became 'the woman' who provoked him/answered back. god i feel weak, i wasn't like this when i married him, i was known for being festy at work and taking no crap.

How dare he take dd1 as his possession and marginalise you and then have the cheek to ignore dd2.

If you are worried about their welfare and note how dd2 will feel when she sees dd1 and your dh as a cosy twosome, and she's not part of that gang. He's being very divisive with his kids.

Oh and I echo the posts where people tell you tread carefully -do not tell him what your plans are - ensure you have all the necessary documents etc.

Happy to see that you're talking less about your 'provocation' and your 'fault' and your 'martyr' qualities. That's a good start.

It sounds like you really need to have a much better counsellor. Threats of physical abuse should be taken seriously. For instance, if one of your children were to say something at school along the lines of, daddy is threatening to hit mummy, or similar, the teacher would be under an obligation to take this seriously as it would indicate that the chidren were in a household where physical violence is threatened. This could involve social services for instance.

Sorry, not trying to make things more difficult, but his behaviour is TOTALLY unacceptable. Could you get some family counselling via the NHS? This will escalate and do you really want a man who has such a negative attitude towards women having such a strong influence on your daughter?

By threatening to hit you, he can keep you in your place without having broken the law. In a way, that is almost worse than lashing out in moments of anger as it is so calculating. Sounds like he is almost "grooming" your daughter so she will become more dependent on him and accept his influence.

Sorry I really think you need a lot of help here. Repeatedly threatening physical violence would be ample grounds for divorce. If you were to split up he would have access to the children, unless he was abusive towards them, but it would be less than he has now. He could try to fight for more access through the courts, but it is unlikely he would get it, unless he could prove you were an unfit mother, which is clearly not the case.

Do something NOW, please, for the sake of you and your children.

If you truely feel that you cannot leave them or truely believe that he won't hit you (I agree with everyone else btw) then what he has said to you over the years has sunk in. What he has aimed to do has worked. He has you exactly where he wants you now. You believe that it is your fault.

It's easy for us from the outside to be able to see what has happened, but I can understand how it won't be so clear to you.

Please call WA for advise today. You don't have to leave just because you pick up the phone. But they will be able to point you in the direction of help and hopefully counslling to help you see that this is not normal and it is not your fault.

I agree with every Amberlight has said. He is the one making the choice. Could a 6ft5, 18 stone man provoke him into making these threats? No, why not if he is being made to do it?

Oh and he will hit you, sooner rather than later, because you now believe that you are causing this to happen.

I have seen DV first hand and it always starts the same way. No women would ever stay with a man who hit her just because he could. They have to make them believe it is their fault first. They have to try and trap them. He has done this by isolating you from your dd.

Timmy - I am sitting here with goosebumps.

This is not only ONE HUNDRED PER CENT, NO DOUBTS ABOUT IT abuse. But it is terrible abuse. He has raped you and many other women, he has controlled you and terrified you, he has TOLD you in no uncertain terms he will hit you. A few years down the line he might graduate to telling you that one day he will kill you. THAT's how serious this is.

Please please please get help. Call WA.

x

You need to think about your children.

Think about how you grew up in a household like this. Think about how it has affected you.

Do you want your children to feel how you do now?

Because they are growing up in the same household that you grew up in as a child.

There is only one person who can change that.