(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

You certainly did the right thing Timmy.

Good luck tomorrow. Keep your wits about you and think of those gorgeous kiddies. You're doing it all for them.

Will be thinking of you. [hsmile]

No no, you have made the right decision, and have done the right thing, and keep moving forward. You will never regret ending the madness. It will be hard occasionally but the kind of hard you can do something about, not what you had up to now with you beating your head against a brick wall trying to be listened to.

No matter what decisions you make for your children, they will be better than any your stbXH would, because you are capable of taking the interests of others into account, and he is not.

Don't be sacred please

For a start, what you have already done - without talking about it for years, but actually doing it, has shown your great dedication and ability towards those girls. not that you need a complete stranger on the internet to tell you this, though sometimes it's nice I guess.

Can I also tell you that although my DH is away at the moment, before he went he was asking for a daily update on you - so you struck a chord!

Be as strong as you can for your girls and as sure as you can. I agree about the choices thing too, she cannot be expected to make a decision at her age about things like that. That is not you being controlling but a responsible parent, offering a secure relationship that is loving and caring.

I meant don't be scared - not scared

Ooh no, don't be scared - I certainly didn't mean to make you question your fitness to look after your girls - we all know that you've done absolutely the best thing for them, and for you [wsmile]

[hsmile] even...second time I've done that!

Okay feel better now... :)

Well today is the day. Still have not heard if he is turning up or not. Bets on about that...I think he won't turn up as no point contesting as mother and children always win these things (something he has often talked about) or he will turn up to see me and to ask about kids....okay thinking best here, lets be realistic...he turns up to contest both orders and ask for me to have a psychatrict assessment as clearly I must be a sandwich short of a picnic leaving him...

Oh and regarding the car, not sure if he has done anything, but I do keep tempting fate and parking next to cop cars that are in car park for court and they haven't done anything yet [whmm]

And sorry to posters I have not responded to...I'm taking so long to type posts that by the time its done there's more to respond too...keep scrolling aback thinking 'I don't remember that one...am I losing my marbles?' doh

Attila - he may be a narc but he is fully aware of what they can do, he's been watching his family and my family do all their odd behaviour for years, he's read many of the help books I have and yet can he still have no insight into his own personality...answer it myself really, yes. He regually talks about things his parents and sister do that are not good and does them himself. Maybe he can be bumped into looking at himself? He keeps quoting something that escapes me...something about a man seeing his true reflection and it being worth so much. Still wanting to save him...but I've been saving people or trying too all my life. Putting rule in place NO DATING FOR A YEAR. Mark that one...at least a year, not even thinking about it...I'm clearly not fit to pick a mate out (I know its only been nearly 2 weeks but due to my childhood I constantly look for someone to love me :( hopefully having the girls this time round will make things easier and I'll be putting them first, still want to find prince charming though...the one that does not come with a label attached saying 'needs some work')

Dizietsma - thank you for the reassurance, I do like to give them as much free choice as I can as I wasn't...but perhaps taking it too far the other way...will try to think 'firm but fair'

Sunbeam - thanks for the support and reassurance :)

Alloverit - thank you :) thank you for all your advice, I've needed it!

Math - thankyou...yes will be nice not to hit a brick wall everyday...

Maxybrown - I may be sacred today...need all the help I can get so your hubby wants updates, [waves to Mr Maxybrown] thanks for his support too...helps to know what men think of all this...real men not those who think its okay to hit a woman . Thanks for reassurance.

Witchyflisspaps - good name. thanks for reassurance again...:)

Right breakfast time...

You cannot save him, he can only save himself.

OKay, don't usually go on about this BUT, let me tell you about my Mum.

Her Dad was a bully and a very strong large man. he sexually abused her from the age of 5 to 13, amongst lots of other pshycological bullying, used to wait for her coming in as teenager with a chair in the middle of the room and a lamp shining on her face asking her where she'd been etc etc! You get the idea.

She has two younger sisters - they were not abused. If you met them now, you would say my Mum had the happy upbringing and her sisters were the abused. They are so "poor me" all of the time. My Mum is so kind and loving and so practcal and the absoloute most positive person I have ever ever met in my whole life. She met my wonderful Dad and had 3 children and always plays the glad game.

What I'm trying to say is, at any point you can try to be strong and live YOUR life now, not your parents lives or his life, but YOURS. be someone because you want to be, not because of what other people make you into being. Take the reins back and tally ho!!

Hope you don't mind me telling you all that

And I appreciate it is not easy too.

Good luck today timmy ! [hgrin]

You've come so far since that day you left. You really are an inspiration to all those women out there who think it's easier to accept all the shit than to pack up and leave.

I'll be thinking of you today. The sun is shining here, hope it is where you are too. [hsmile]

Please don't let your DD's choose. We were used as pawns when our parents split up. Mum was unstable (and IMHO completely unfit to look after us). Only reason she wanted us to live with her was to score points over Dad. We were bullied & threatened into telling social workers what a bad Dad we had (he wasn't - he was the best!) and how much we loved Mum and wanted to stay with her and never see Dad again. She used lots of emotional abuse - threatened suicide, DB was going to say it and I would never see him again etc etc. Result - several miserable years spent being beaten and abused by Mum and not seeing Dad. Still recovering.

You are a good Mum. Keep strong. Your DD's need you to make their decisions for them. Your H sounds a bit like my Mum mentally and trust me, he will manipulate your girls and try to turn them against you. It is about power, not the DC.

Remember - you have saved your girls and now you have to protect them. They are too young to understand the games your H plays. He hasn't bothered with thems ince you left. That should tell you something. For what it's worth, we eventually left Mum in the middle of the night and stood at a phonebox at the top of the road waiting for Dad to come get us. I have never seen or heard from her since (and that was 23 years ago)

Poogles [hsad]

Thanks Alloverit but to be honest, I'm all over it!!! It has taught me to be a better Mum - I aim for the opposite of what my Mum did and it seems to be going OK!

I just hope this helps itstimmy understand that she needs to protect her daughters because her H certainly doen't have their welfare at the top of his agenda. Can't believe how strong she is. Have been willing her on for weeks but never felt I had any advice worthwhile for her! Go Timmy!

itstimmy you are doing absolutely the right thing and you diong fine - you ar eputting your DD's first in all this but it is easy to beleive that HE will play ball and think teh way you do...he wont....

as was said, those of us who been there jsut trying to pass on a few tips... i wish some one had been there telling me at the time...

take it one step at a time. stay safe. keep your girls safe. be careful when you hand them over the first time after this break. yiu dont know what games he might play. have it in a public place, supervised with someone you trust eg relative or friend.

(but be aware this will take a long time, it is a long road, and there will be ups and downs....

Thanks you maxy - v inspirational. Who do I want to be though...! Want to be calmer, firm, kind, give them security but not be controlling, I want to achieve things (something I don't do) like doing housework, decorating, study out of interest,not to see how I compare to my sister/dad/h, do knitting and rag rugs and other cosy homily things, do more cooking and baking. And stop being a bit of a gossip, see people as grey not just black (evil! the devil incarnate!!) or white (like an angel). I don't want much, ha ha!...I just want to be more balanced a person, less judgemental and someone people think is just 'nice' and 'trustworthy'. Oh and carry through when I say I'm going to do something.

Just a few thoughts there...:) more for myself, but thank you for that post :) Your mum is an amazing woman to come through that as she has.

Alloverit - thanks, actually looks like rain. My mates suggest I go in confident, smiling and give him a high five they were v funny...getting nervous now. Thinking about it staying could have been an easier option but for the fact i was terrified of being hurt, it also condensed the feeling our relationship was not right and was a baaaaad example to the girls.

A story from the past to remind me of what I stand to lose today. I had a bf, went out with him because I needed someone to hug me, did not click at all with him. He turned out to have a severe medical condition. I stayed with him. A year late I broke up the relationship. I felt sick, thought maybe because I felt so bad it was the right relationship, felt I would never meet anyone else, I was just 21. He rang the next day and he sounded so bad over it all, nearly suicidal I met up with him, could not tell him I wanted to split up again, so told him the story of my childhood as I felt it explained a lot of my behaviour, he said absolutely nothing nothing. I went out with him until I was 26, I spent a total of 8 years going out with this guy. Of total unhappiness, hating myself every day for living a lie and for fooling him. But I did not feel I could bring the relationship to an end again. I do not want to get together with h again and relive those awful years of lying to someone and myself. Let alone visit the consequences on my girls.

Its done, there is no going back now, I know the price that will be paid if I do that. Its over. Sadness is normal and okay, it will pass. FOr a far shorter duration that if I stay. And I can get a better relationship than this. In fact anything would be better than the loveless relationships I've always had. Just going to have to be strong for the girls and myself and stay single long enough to find an even keel and shave off all those bits left over from all my exes. It can be done and will be done. Just have to be kind to myself and get lots of support and focus on a point in the future when I'm feeling more contented and happy with myself.

Poogles - you were amazing to leave like that, I take my hat off to you. How amazing. Something I wish I had done with my family. Glad you had your dad to go to. I will bear what you say in mind, I'm still hoping for the best. I won't let them become pawns, will arrange ahead of time the days they see him and keep a close eye on the situation. And you have got something worthwhile to advise :)

Cestlavielife - yes I can see why you would feel strongly about someone else makign the same mistakes! Been on the other side of the fence myself a few times.

I'm nervous....help!!

Timmy - I wasn't brave. Brave would have been to stand up to her or to have left earlier. The night we left I was 12, brothers of 13 & 10, sister of 5. Mum came home drunk (about 3am) decided someone had taken money out of her purse and dragged us all out of bed. Didn't pay much notice as it was a regular occurance. It was only when she starting hitting our sister (with a high heeled shoe over her back) that something snapped and we walked out (having waited for her to pass out first!).

My sister was the apple of her eye and we NEVER thought she would raise a hand against her. Only telling you this as it sounds like you don't think your H would harm DD's but please believe me he would. You have done the hardest part in getting out.

Good luck this afternoon. Keep in the back of your mind a picture of what might happen to your girls if you let him win. You are a good Mum. Stay strong. x

Well guessing he's going for everything basically??

Can I just say on top of what the others on here have said:

I have two friends, both had amicable splits with dhs (though painful). Both thought dhs would play fair, both played fair themselves. Both been FLEECED by and regret bitterly not looking out for themselves and going for what was rightfully theirs because they didn't want to 'be unfair' to exes, when the exes merely went for what their lawyers said they could get if not contested.

Secondly, my dear dear brother who really is not a nasty person talked his ex into splitting their house and buying their own properties. He earns six figures, got mortgage for new house no problem. She had not worked for five years - bringing up their three kids - and is now renting a shitty little flat. She should have stood her ground, stayed in their house with the kids and he should have had to buy a small flat. And I'm saying that from the position of being very close to my bro and loving him loads.

Neither of these are the same as your situation, but please do look after yourself and your children.

Ooh sorry rushed and rambling - terrible grammar!

I'm going, v scared...doing this for me and the girls. If he wants to change things he has to do the changing.

good luck timmy

will be thinking of ya.

sorry you find your self in this place xx i believe he will hit you!! i was in a what sounds like a very similar situation it was six years in before he actually used physical violence but has prepared me well to believe it was my fault that i to was an irritating persont o live with. none is true dont believe him none of this is your fault he is choosing to be controllng and abusive! pleas as others have said get some help and try to get away before he hurts you. do you have someone to confide in? womens aid people are brilliant take care

Have been reading and wishing all the best for you - good luck!

Thinking of you Timmy hope it's all going as well as it can and you're feeling super strong.

Let us know how it went [hsmile]

Hey Syrupfairy, she left!

How did it go today timmy?

Thinking about you. Hope it wasn't too traumatic.