(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

A man who thinks women deserve to be beaten, afraid or raped isn't going to turn into an angel after a bit of a chat...

From AMberlight earlier in the thread.

Iwould be very suspicious of his apparent seeing of the light...

So let's say he is totally genuine, he has had a road to Damascus experience and all of a sudden he realises...everything.
Well the first thing he could do is back off and give you space. Voluntarily, not because he is forced to do so by order of the court. He will write to your solicitor that he understands you do not want to see him, that ou do not want his flowers, or his stuff, and he will ask, through your solicitor, what you wish him to do concerning the girls. (If he doesn't, as Math says they are better off without him).
He will then make sure you have enough money to live on and he will take on such responsibilities for the girls as you have asked him to.
He realises he has never listened to you and wants to make amends? Yeah right!

you have come this far, it would be ridiculous to start back tracking, and no he hasn't changed he misses having someone to shit on.

Sounds very manipulative to get the neighbour to be the "go-between".

All experts agree that a man who has any chance of giving up emotional/physical abuse would need to be in therapy for 6 to 12 months.

A chat with a neighbour is NOTHING. NOTHING at all.

For him to give up his sense of ENTITLEMENT...now that would be something.

He is also pushing the legal envelope as far as it can possibly be pushed. In other words, thumbing his nose at the court. Timmy, this man does not have his tail between his legs by a long shot. He is extremely angry. He is very cunning. He can calculate exactly how far he can push.

He is dangerous. None of what he said to the neighbour was genuine. He chose her because he has read the books and knows her history and thinks anything she says to you would be better received than if it came from some 'stand by your man' type.

Totally manipulative. DO NOT believe anything he says Timmy - he can't be trusted!

My friend's husband was a genius for getting other women to feel sorry for him, one neighbour said to me, when I dropped round and she was out "I'm not surprised he left her when she refused ever to do his laundry.." and I said "er, you do know she threw him out because he went for her with an axe?"

He'll say any old crap to get sympathy.

When he used to have their son for weekends he'd tell the son that he was penniless as "mummy has taken all my money"....this from a man with a £50k car and a £250k flat at the time.

Your husband is very good at exploiting people who are sympathetic and a bit gullible, all users and abusers are, that is how they get away with it.

You can't trust him, he won't change.

Bollocks. Sorry Timmy, but it is. If I had taken my DS and ran off - my DH would have been begging and all sorts - even if it was just to make sure DS was ok, never mind me.

Remember, when he could have shown he cared - when there were no orders in place, he didn't.

Games games games.

You remember I told you about my Mum and her dad abusing her? NO one ever ever knew (well I think my Grandma secretly did) and he was a horrible horrible man, yet in the community he was a well respected man and anyone belived anything he told them, because he was calm and collected and he was a manipulative controlling freak!

Hope you and the girls are ok - and the Goldfish too

Put all of his stuff in a bag/box whatever is convenient and instruct solictor to have it sorted for him to collect or something. Get rid asap

I've just re-read all your earlier posts about how dangerous he is Timmy - all the comments about raping women when they're out of it on drugs, all the racist and sexist stuff...

Re-read it Timmy. A bunch of flowers and a couple of hours of sob-story to a neighbour. Manipulative bastard....

itstimmy you are amazing

Hi Timmy,

Please do not fall for it at all. He is not genuine at all, that is what my narc used to do, go round to my aunt's and plead and say that he had changed his ways. I stupidly went back as I felt aaww his poured his heart out, well I was silly to do that because it was all part of his manipulation. You have done amazingly well, keep your guard up and just pack his belongings and send him packing for good.

Thanks guys, just absorbing all you are saying. Just going to have a quiet evening and go to bed early. DD1 devastated at bedtime, wanting daddy. Still no word but neighbour said he didn't think he could contact me at all. Thanks for your comment feisty, apparently he told neighbour he spent fri night (day of occupation order) in rocking chair crying all night long. He didn't cry in front of her but she said he looked devastated. Remembering what everyone has said about the stages...rage, emotional trying to get you back etc.

Anyway have come to conclusion that if he brings up relationship will tell him to get councelling and I don't want to hear anymore about it until the orders run out, then see where we stand in a years time.

You know in the bathroom he had put my rosepetal bath salts on corner of bath and put a picture of mine up on the wall...almost like he cared about what I thought...

One year. Not going to mess girls around, dd1s heart is broken enough. Cannot believe he said even the girls came second to me. How could he say that? That he had loved the life he had with me. Well he was looking bloody misrable while enjoying it ...and can't imagine life without me...

One year.

I've been lurking, probably with many others since the start itstimmy.

I couldn't post, haven't been in your situation (many other shitty ones though!)...but you have been an inspiration. Wobbles are okay!

Keep listening to your friends on here, they're certainly teaching me a thng or two, and so are you. Thanks.

Well I bet he did love the life he had with you - you were too scared to contradict him about anything.
Bit late to be artfully placing bath salts etc. He's only doing it because he is now wallowing in self-pity.

One Year

Sensible, measured, will prove the truth, is the best, safest thing for you and daughters.
He won't be able to keep up any facade that long.

Well done

Well done, ItsTimmy. Such good advice from people on here. Take care of yourself and your girls.

Oh yes, it was definitely the life he wanted and no doubts there. He definitely wants it back too.

Timmy - Today begins the rest of your life.

Thank you guys :)

Wallowed last night and put on 'sad fm' on the radio. Had my usual one cup of red wine (must get wine glass) and cried. Not too heart broken...just all so sad, esp for dd1 :(

H taught me about how to deal with people with personality disorders, ironically. Keep hoping he is genuine. I mean the sex was v good BUT due to lack of affection I sometimes would cry after due to feeling rather like it was just another 'job' to add to my other household jobs and childcare. When I commented on his lack of affection and consideration he used to reflect it back to me with 'I could say the same about you'. Didn't deal with the issue. I did do things for him that said I cared, but never got anything back.

Anyway even if he did go to councelling...I still think he has a good dose of aspergers, we just don't have laughy jokey conversations, he just does sarcasum. He would literally have to change into a different person...the thought of having to sit through anymore 'monologues' where I have to sit and do an impression of a nodding dog...so boring. And he found me boring...he admitted he didn't listen because I went on for so long... :( its all trivia about my day but I'm trying to make contact with him, talking for talkings sake just to connect. Obviously did not work for him.

Having second thoughts abotu the councelling comment to him...best to let him work that one out for himself. I would not want him to go just so he can just tick a box and said he had been. If he goes of his own accord it says that he is wanting to make a real change.

So guys, how hard is single parenting? Feel like I have been one since dd1 was born...now is the time to find out how hard it is...

Any advice on being a single parent?

sorri but aspergers are very literal - they dont do or understand sarcasm!

anywya - look at his "genuine" ness - he might care about you - sure yeh whatever - but he does not give a sh&t about his DD does he?
he ahas amde no attempt to have contact with her.

look where his priorities lie... with having you around - what for?

he has no entitlement to you.

stay strong and calm and dont fall for it.

you want him to be a parent to his DDs, he is not showing he wants to be that. how could you even consider a relationship with a man who is not interested in his own children? (i know you not considering it but he is playing mindgames using the friend etc)

i know there have bene some dsicusions on who would you save first? your husband or your children? in other fora - but frankly i find it disturbing that a father would put you above his children... that he has shown zero interest in having contact with his DD. what does that tell you about hi priorities?

the fact that he seems to be only preapred to see his DD with you around - well that is too much.

(ps start thinking about writing a will nominating a different guardian for your dds should you die... because he doesnt care about them....)

You are mourning for someone/something that never was. Do not try to confuse your mind with this - sounds like he'll have a good enough attempt at that!!

Yes - Aspergers do not even understand sarcasm, let alone be sarcastic everything is very literal!

Papers have been served to him and me. Apparently when processor (guy who hand delivers court order) arrived mother in law poked head out of window 'who are you?' he said what he was there to do 'well hes round the back' said he had to serve him the papers 'well he's not taking them' said he had to serve them 'what happens if he doesn't?' processor said he either waits until he sees him or he gets teh police to come round. 'oh right, he'll be round in 20min'. Then hes sat on drive waiting and father in law turns up 'you'll have to move the car onto the main road' said he was waiting and father in law left. Then h turned up and took the papers.

That is not a good sign. His mother is mad as a box of frogs, did this come from her (v lkely) or h? MIL v aggressive.

In these papers it says he can contact me to arrange contact with children. Mobile battery nearly dead, charger with mate so can't charge until later this week! Wonder if he will read or bin papers?

Hi Timmy,

Have been lurking through the very beginning of your thread, it came up at the saame time that me and XDP parted. It's now been nearly 6 weeks that i have been a single parent and the only advice i can give you is to be as strong and consistant as you have been from here.

It's not easy is it, but think of the good that you are doing to your daughters by breaking the cycle that you have been brought up in and showing them that women do not have to accept crap and rubbish relationships in thier lives just for the "good of the children", that you can be a good parent by being by yourself and that they should under no ilusion should they accept violence in thier lives.

keep on keeping on and stay strong, it's amazing how "faceless entities" in cyberspace can keep you going through this, but be sure that everyone here is rooting for you and will be here with open -albeit cyber- arms for unmny hugs!!!

Ok. One, regarding the Aspergers, yes, it isw possible for people with aspergers to understand sarcasm. I use it a lot and I love reading Private Eye which has a lot of ironic humour in it. What I don't understand is teasing, if someone is verbally winding me up, I cannot tell from their body language and tone of voice that they are winding me up. This even applies to my husband.
However, I'm sorry, but your ex's behaviour does not strike me at all like aspergers. Ok, I know that everyone is different, but personally for me the thing that stands out is that your ex is very very good at manipulating people. And from my own experiences, and from those of my two lads on the spectrum and from others I have known on the spectrum that insight into people, that awareness, that ability to be able to play mind games with people is very unusual for someone on the spectrum. It is quite possible to not have laughy jokey conversations and to be very abrupt with language etc and not be on the spectrum. Now, maybe I'm wrong, after all I don't know your ex and I don't know all there is to know about ASD. But what I do know is that it is not a reason or an excuse for your ex's behaviour. I have great difficulties for example with affection and initiating affection, but I would never ever threaten my dh with what your ex has.
Go back and read your OP. It wasn't just Saturday, was it? Although I bet he gave your neighbour that impression. It was 7 years if him preventing you from saying what you had to say by giving you sarcasm or a threatening glance. It was 7 years of him trying to make you believe that what you wanted didn't matter. And when you did finally have a mild word with him, he tells you you're provoking him and threatens to hit you.
And if he really did want to change, why did he not even ask after his children?