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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(d)h threatened to hit me

580 replies

itstimmy · 10/10/2010 08:52

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 25/10/2010 10:34

Timmy, you've done brilliantly! Hope the house is in okay condition. This might sound a bit woo-woo, but you might want to make a little ritual to exorcise his malign spirit. If you were going the full Native American hog, you could burn sage in each room, but seriously, consider waving around a lit joss stick (or even symbolically spray some perfume) in each room.

Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 12:26

I'm back

{pause for everyone breathing in...]

want to know what I found?

OP posts:
Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 12:28

And thank you for your messages :) thank you :)

Nicknametaken - I've got a Glade candle...

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 25/10/2010 12:34

I won't even try to guess, as I got it totally wrong last time!

Hope everything is ok (including goldfish).

trumpton · 25/10/2010 12:35

Yes of course we want to know... < sits and stares at screen >

Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 12:42

Sorry desparate to tell...

The worst thing I have found so far...

He has painted the bathroom a MINGING shade of peach/salmon...and only done one coat. Has repainted airing cupboard door white tho.

The house has been vacuumed.

The house has been tidied (still trying to find everything). It looks naked...

One piece of furniture is missing going to investigate loft.

Kitchen surfaces cleaned. (still nothing in its right place, I'm hard to please)

He has left a number of items, such as his childhood teddy on shelf, with picture and ornament of his faverate dog, a door stop he should have taken, left a number of clothes in the wardrobe...left his books, his fave dvds, taken his cd's tho....it all says 'I've only left for now...I'll be back'.

And to seal the above paragraph a big bunch of white flowers in the kitchen in a vase. He never buys me flowers.

So lets go with the 'She'll come around' theme you think?

Takes more than a bathroom painted a minging colour, a cleaned house and a bunch of flipping flowers to get me back. SEVEN YEARS I have waited for him to listen to me SEVEN YEARS...still no apology, acknowledgement, nothing.

Well he has a year for the court orders to run out to get on the NHS waiting list and get a personality transplant. I wish him luck.

Now how do I give him these items back without being provocative? Quailing inside, feeling sad at giving them back but annoyed he left them...putting pressure on me to take him back. But if I leave them its a sign to him that he's still in with a chance with me. They cannot be left here. Ideas? Apart from black bin bags...

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 25/10/2010 12:48

Mm, a polite letter from your solicitor suggesting times when it may be mutually convenient for him to remove the items?

Leaving personal stuff like the teddy sounds extremely manipulative imo, but maybe I'm just a cynical old cow.

Mumi · 25/10/2010 12:49

To return them in black bin bags wouldn't be provocative - it's just the easiest way for you. If he doesn't like it, he should've done it himself. Remember: you don't owe him anything.

I'd put white emulsion on the shopping list too! Glad you are back safe though :)

NicknameTaken · 25/10/2010 12:57

A Glade candle will do nicely!

For now, pack his stuff out of sight. Put them in a suitcase/bin bags under a bed or something. Leave it for him to ask for them back. If you push him for a collection time, he'll enjoy the power play. Act like you've forgotten about his stuff until he brings it up.

Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 13:00

Nope, cannot leave his stuff in house. When I broke contact with my parents he advised me on how to deal with them. Leaving his things is a clear message that he has gone briefly and will be back. If I take them to him when I drop off girls that is a clear signal 'its over'. He's putting my resolve to the test.

OP posts:
Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 13:17

He has taken my nana's piece of furniture, found the items that were in it and a lamp stand that my dad made while at school. I know I wasn't sure about keeping them, but have because of that. They are gone...why? Other things have been left that are electrical...Can't exactly ask where they have gone. All the stuff in the loft has been moved around, but he left his telescope so not sure what is gone there. So he's playing at the 'I'll be back but I will be the same as I was before game'. How dare he remove my furniture...oh forgot I took girls, 50k, car and house. Bit silly to take things of mine tho when he is leaving his stuff about/leaving flowers as if to get us back together Hmm...strange mentality. Maybe he's taken them to be repaired?

OP posts:
Katisha · 25/10/2010 13:19

Suspect he is playing games - the flowers are supposed to show that he is being the bigger person.
What he is actually doing is reinforcing his own version of reality which is that he is the injured party.

ToniSoprano · 25/10/2010 13:19

Can you pack it all in a cardboard box and have it sent round by courier/taxi to his parents or wherever he is staying?

ToniSoprano · 25/10/2010 13:20

Are they lilies?

ToniSoprano · 25/10/2010 13:22

He sounds like a scary man. Are you sure you don't want to get those locks changed?

kate1956 · 25/10/2010 13:22

Coming in a bit late to this - but he's trying to engage with you by taking your piece of furniture but leaving his stuff. Don't fall for it - solicitors letter arranging time for him to get his stuff - and leave it outside when he comes for it. Not sure about your nana's piece ask solicitor best way to deal with it - all the best.

ToniSoprano · 25/10/2010 13:24

Actually, taking some of your stuff, leaving some of his... perhaps he is trying to initiate/force a conversation between you. Sounds like the type to try anything to get you to do what he wants.

Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 13:58

No lilies they would have been scary.

Still no word about seeing the girls.

Just rearranging rooms...getting kingsize bed out of dark back bedroom and into nice sunny front bedroom. Really must take the girls outside

OP posts:
quiddity · 25/10/2010 14:10

Timmy, I just wanted to say that I think you are brilliant and handling all of this magnificently. I have been reading in awe. This thread should be passed on as an example to anyone else who finds herself in a similar situation.
I would pack his things neatly in a box and have them sent round to him. But I am sure you will make a wise decision on what to do with them.
Congratulations on getting yourself and your dcs away from him. You will all flourish now that you're free.

DutchOma · 25/10/2010 14:55

The thing about him not saying a word about seeing the girls is the surest way of pushing your buttons. He KNOWS that that will prey on your mind and eventually you will give in and contact him about that if nothing else.
Please disconnect the lead to the button at your end. If he makes no attempt at seeing the girls himself then there is no advantage in him seeing them.
Have you got anybody to help you with all the stuff you need to do?
You will be utterly shattered by tonight, but at least you know you have done the right thing.

Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 16:24

Thanks :)

And let the mind games begin...UPDATE!

My neighbour just came round. H has been to see her for 2 hours on saturday and 2 hours on sunday. She is closer to me than him, she's a bit anti man having separated from an emotionally abusive man herself...

So...

She feels he is devastated. He adores me and all he wants is a life with me, even the children/house/money/car come second to me. She feels he has come to a number of realisations over his behaviour. She said he came to her on the sunday to talk abotu what he realised overnight. Apparently he realises (she pointed out to him teh difference) that he never listened to me, that he had only looked at things from his point of view, not mine. He told her what happened on that saturday he threatened me...he had edited his version. He had meant to intimidate me, to stop me provoking him. He does not feel he needs anger management. When we first met I told him I wanted to be told what to do (true) and he did not know when this changed but he thinks its about the time I became a mother. He realises he took it too far. He wants desparately to talk to me, but cannot due to the non mol order. He kept coming back to how he could convey how he felt. He said he had left flowers, neighbour asked if he had left a note (he did not) and said he could not due to order. He left it with her to convey these feelings to me. Rang my solictior and she says technically he has breeched the order, but not seriously enough to warrant the police getting involved as yet. The new orders state he can talk to me about the children only or talk through the solicitors.

So is he playing mind games with neighbour and me or is he genuine?

OP posts:
DutchOma · 25/10/2010 16:31

What do you think Timmy?

mathanxiety · 25/10/2010 16:43

The furniture he took is a swap for you taking the girls maybe?

I agree deal with him through the solicitor and pack everything of his. Oh yes, Anniegetyourgun, the teddy is highly manipulative imo .

And wrt seeing the girls -- it's up to him to make the first move here, as DutchOma says. If he cares then he must set the ball rolling. It's very sad for the girls if he doesn't want anything to do with them, just because it's sad to grow up without a father, but wrt this specific father I believe they are far better off without him.

By not pursuing contact with the girls, he is stating that he thinks you will eventually come around and be willing to play family again -- he is telling you and himself too that this will blow over and you'll come to your senses, that this is a temporary blip in the family life. He is also trying to make you consider how horrible it is for the girls to have him absent and wonder if you should try to get back together or their sake. He probably also has in the back of his mind that he will ride in on a white horse and 'rescue' the girls when you fall apart.

He needs to acknowledge reality. He needs to make the first move. He will probably finally make outrageous demands, like full custody/residence with him, or even 50/50, with the girls going from pillar to post every three days or whatever.

mathanxiety · 25/10/2010 16:47

He has breached the order.
He is playing mind games with the neighbour.
He is playing mind games with you.

(Ask your neighbour to make a note of what he said during his conversations)

I would pursue the breach of the order, at the very least by having your solicitor send him a letter telling him he is in breach.

He is such a thoroughgoing narcissist, Timmy -- he is desperately seeking to reinstate his supply.

Original poster
itstimmy · 25/10/2010 16:50

Thanks :)

And let the mind games begin...UPDATE!

My neighbour just came round. H has been to see her for 2 hours on saturday and 2 hours on sunday. She is closer to me than him, she's a bit anti man having separated from an emotionally abusive man herself...

So...

She feels he is devastated. He adores me and all he wants is a life with me, even the children/house/money/car come second to me. She feels he has come to a number of realisations over his behaviour. She said he came to her on the sunday to talk abotu what he realised overnight. Apparently he realises (she pointed out to him teh difference) that he never listened to me, that he had only looked at things from his point of view, not mine. He told her what happened on that saturday he threatened me...he had edited his version. He had meant to intimidate me, to stop me provoking him. He does not feel he needs anger management. When we first met I told him I wanted to be told what to do (true) and he did not know when this changed but he thinks its about the time I became a mother. He realises he took it too far. He wants desparately to talk to me, but cannot due to the non mol order. He kept coming back to how he could convey how he felt. He said he had left flowers, neighbour asked if he had left a note (he did not) and said he could not due to order. He left it with her to convey these feelings to me. Rang my solictior and she says technically he has breeched the order, but not seriously enough to warrant the police getting involved as yet. The new orders state he can talk to me about the children only or talk through the solicitors.

So is he playing mind games with neighbour and me or is he genuine?

OP posts: