(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

Hi Timmy,

Hope it went well

Poogles still think you were brave and amazing for getting out, there is always something that makes us snap and realise we will not take anymore.

Proudnscary - thank you for timely reminder. I am aware how much he earns and how quickly he can build reserves up to buy another property where as I will be relying on handouts. So will be keeping the property we have now, or selling on...depends.

Syrupfairy - thank you for that, sounds similar to me, but I have left and now have a non molestation order in place and an occupancy order for our house in place. Did you stay for long?

Thank you mumonthenet, fortunehamster, nickname, alloverit, math...

Do you want to know what happened?

Okay...so go to court with solicitor, get swiped in (metal detector man) i'm laughing and joking out of nerves with metal man and my solicitor, go laughing up the stairs with solicitor to a private room so she can check he has arrived, he has.

Solicitor goes to speak with them...she comes back 15 min later quite fluffed...apparently his solicitor had come up to her all guns blazing. (I love my solicitor, likes it calm, no point getting aggressive etc...) Apparently his solicitor had seen and heard me laughing (she had been there as I checked in with metal dectector man...oops) so that had not gone down well. Can't even remember what I said but I would have meant it as a joke i was nervous! She had said that my taking money was a calculated thing, not something done by someone in a panic (like bollox! I'm not going to leave 50k in the bank and live on income support with my girls and cat if I can help it!!!), that she did not know why I had got non mol order as h had not been violent towards me. And can't rememeber whatelse.

We got called, waited away from where they were until called in again to see judge. H did not make eye contact with me once. His being there was a load of shite really...don't think much of his solicitor at all...she basically grumbled about both orders. Made a comment that when her client left home on monday he ad wife and children, mentioned the money. And when the judge got confused by waffle he asked if they were contesting the orders or not. Nope. Just waffling. Judge explained orders to h, h was rude and abrupt with judge who was being quite jovial (would not go down well with h). Apparently he had only realised today the marriage had irritreviably broken down (did solicitor not show him the fax we sent in response to his suggestion we got back together?). That he had been willing to make it work. My solicitor had picked up on a couple of points that his solicitor had used incorrectly. there was a moment when we were deciding the occupancy order distance, I said 75mtr, h said 50mtr even louder and the judge went with that to be honest that does not make much difference but wish he had not won that one but still scared of him, even in a room full of people!

Came out with occupancy order, from monday 10am!

My solicitor commented on the fact he seemed to be 'holding it all in', to me he was teetering on the brink of losing it and not in an emotional way. But his solicitor did attempt to make it sound as if I was being unreasonable and he was a family man. However judge seemed to be on my side when we met monday, my solicitor said he did not grant orders lightly and seemed to take a shine to me :)

The 50k is to be split so we can both use it for solicitor fees he said 30K and the rest frozen.

At no point were the children mentioned apart from my wanting dd1 back at school

So bit confused financially if the money is to be used for solicitors and the rest frozen...what do we live on???

Solicitor is going to ask h in a letter when order served on monday that child contact is through her only for the time being. But he could contact me at any time if he wanted to arrange it.

So...home on monday, coming with me? I'm scared what I am going to find, things missing, things broken, emotional when I see his things gone, broken/smashed doors hit in rage...dead goldfish...wondered whether to bring him with us but decided he was safe enough where he was.

Going to go for a divorce as soon as I can, I can't get a decree absolute until finances are settled and when that is done, we are tied by maintenance and children.

What do I tell dd1? She's 4.5yr...so far she knows that mummy is not safe with daddy which is why we left. I don't want everyone to know this at school as I don't want her ostrasised by other parents/children due to her dad...but I don't want to teach her to lie by saying we went on holiday. I plan just to tell everyone it was a domestic, we're back now, and don't want to talk about it. But dd1 will be telling truth, I fear for her and dd2's future happiness at school, its not skin off my nose if people know he threatened me...I don't care btu I do about them and how people view them. Help?

Oh and for anyone going through this...the worse bit was the waiting, once you get in the room (sat about 10 ft apart facing each other) you can kind of just keep your head down, look at judge/solicitor...its not too bad. But there again he made no attempt to communicate with me. Solicitor said after she ahd seen him first time 'I can see why you were scared of him' yep...that scary look...

right off to bed in a mo...just 3 more sleeps till we're home...dd1 does not want to go...she loves it here and my mates dd does not want them to go either...but must move on and upwards and KEEP BUSY!

Thanks for support people :)

excellent news Timmy and well done for holding your own. You are so brave

you are awesome timmy!

Your DD only wants to stay at your friends because of the atmosphere she lives at home in. In time you will make it your own space.

So where is DH going to go then? do you know?

Go Timmy!! Girls will be fine! Get them into their new routine as soon as you can and they will soon settle.

You have done so well!

Life begins now for the three of you x

Thanks fiesty, posted on other thread just now :)

Littlemisshissyfangs - fantastic name...I don't feel awesome! Just holding my own. I really don't think he appreciates me standing up for myself. No doubt he will go out this weekend and find some other vulnerable woman to attach himself to. I feel sorry for them already. The way he spoke to judge today reminded me what I was missing. If he was ever cheery he was being sarcastic about his family which after a while palled and stopped being funny, just bitter.

Well done Timmy.

Anyone who would judge your DD for what her home life has been like is not worth bothering about, imo. Talk to your closest friends. Pick up the phone and tell the parents of your DD's friends the basics of what is going on. People will probably pleasantly surprise you with their support and concern. You don't need to give a blow-by-blow account of your home life up to now, but everyone knows that relationships end and that some partners are really nasty.

Money/property lessons from court: being bold and asking for more than you think you'll get, or deserve, or need, is the way to negotiate. If you start low, then you'll end up lower as the whittling process goes on. When you start, start high. Same goes for non-mol orders, visitation schedule if that comes up during the divorce ahead.

I would definitely go for the residency order btw.

Find out what the money situation is. If this money was from the joint account and is now in yours, and you didn't clean out the joint account, then I would think you are entitled to use it as needed. as it was at least 50% yours in the first place. You can't claim benefits while you have it, and if you can't use it what are you supposed to do? You need clarification here. Maybe it's the remainder that's frozen?

Go to the police and tell them about your orders. Being rude to the judge, and seemingly trying to tell or imply a massive lie about the relationship being irretrievably broken down indicates he may be down but he does not think he is out yet, and still has plenty of fight left in him and a mahoosive sense of entitlement to behave as he wishes until he meets an immovable object. His solicitor will no doubt try to teach him proper court behaviour before the next round.

wow Timmy, that can not have been easy.

Well done, every step you take is a kick in the face for every other man who says " I will/can/might hit you...and it will hurt"

Tell your dd no more than she needs to know iyswim. Answer her questions, but in the end, at 4 years old (other one is a toddler no?) she just needs a sense of safety and security.

I admire you.

Make sure she knows none of this is any of her fault. Children worry.

Wow Timmy! So glad it went okay and that you're going to be back home on Monday.

Does he have keys for the house? How does that work? Will you be safe there? Are you allowed to change the locks?

I agree that I think £30 grand is not frozen so you can live from that.

Not sure what say to the girls. Maybe mummy and daddy can't live together any more and we're going to go back home. Daddy is going to live somewhere else and we're going to sort out a way for daddy to see you.

Hope you have a restful weekend [hsmile]

How brave you are Timmy, very well done, such a beacon of hope for other women in the same position[hsmile]

Don't worry about your daughter being ostracized at school. I would actually think people would be relieved he is off the scene. I know of a few people who suffered domestic violence, one I met after she'd left her H, another I was so relieved to see recently with a new man, and the third I think is still with him. The last two were in massive denial, but to be honest we all knew, just how do you make someone admit how they really got a black eye?

Hi Timmy

Well done you for coping so well with the court hearing.
I can hear strength growing in your words....it's been getting fiercer every day you post.
I had lunch with my sister yesterday, she's worked for Refuge for the last few years as a DV counsellor and support worker.
I told her how you had been so swift and brave in departing this toxic situation before you were physically hurt.
She was full of admiration and described that alone as a huge act of courage. Most women wait till they get badly hurt before they actually believe they are living with a time bomb. That is why DV charities recognise psychological bullying as so damaging.....it holds and paralyses you unless you are incredibly honest and have the very best interests of your kids at heart to find the strength to escape.

You may feel weak and vulnerable right now, but take it easy on yourself, you've just achieved something monumental.

On a practical note, call a locksmith to attend the house on Monday at 10am. Don't use an emergency 24hr company, try and find a decent local firm who will change all external locks. That way you know exactly who has keys and access.

Update the police on your Orders, they will update your file.

On the Residency Order, you don't have to do too much as the girls will be residing with you. He will need to challenge that by petitioning for residency and access. The longer he waits to do that, the tougher he will make it for himself because he is showing so little interest in them at present and is undermining his own case.

When you get divorced, the Statement of Arrangements for the children will be arranged as part of that process, so it could be till after you get finances and DCs sorted that you can get divorce finalised.

Keep going, hope all is ok at the house when you return. Worried about the poor goldfish now!? Let us know xx

Timmy, your DD will never be ostracised , not by decent people anyway!

I promise you, anyone knowing your story will look at you with only admiration and awe. If anyone thinks less of you for leaving an agressive and manipulative bully, then really, they are not friend material.

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH TIMMY!

You could have done nothing, you could have just taken it, let it get so you are physically harmed as well as emotionally beaten. You didn't.

If you have an occupancy order and H trashes the house, would there be any reason to apply criminal damage or at least vandalism to it and enforce restitution?

Get carbon monoxide detectors. Just in case there is a 'problem' with the gas/heating.

If there is a mess to contend with on Monday, if you need RL help, let us know. There will be someone near you!

Timmy, you have my complete and utmost respect. I, as a young girl, was in your DD's position. I thought my dad loved me. I was not at all close to my mother. I thought my dad and I were close. And we were until I was about 9/10 years old. When I reached 9/10 my dad seemed to turn, almost overnight, into the most horrible, wicked, evil, monster of a father. To this day I don't know what happened to make him 'turn' like that. But once he had 'turned', my life was one long hell of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse and assaults. My mother would just stand and watch whilst my dad vented his rage on me, not lifting even one finger to help me or stop him.

Fast forward 30 years. I cut both my parents out of my life over 4 years ago and intend never to see them again. The toll on me of the abuse I suffered for years cannot be put into words.

If my mother had had even a fraction of your courage, determination and bravery, my life then and now would have been so different.

You have literally saved your DD's lives and like I have said, I have the utmost respect for you, whereas for my own mother, I have nothing but contempt.

I want to wish you the best of luck for the future. But as you have already realised, the future does not depend on luck, you are in control of your own destiny and it looks good from where I'm standing.

If anything has been destroyed or damaged on Monday, make sure you take photos before tackling it. Take an inventory and make note of items that may be missing, esp anything of value or essential things, and if you suspect anything wrong with wiring, etc. call an electrician. Maybe call the police DV unit to record any damage/missing things/ sabotage too.

As far as visitation goes, and having it take place in a supervised place -- I think the fact that you took the cat with you speaks volumes for anyone making a decision on this matter. Hope you told the police that he spoke of taking a hammer to the cat. Funny it's details like this that stand out in people's minds and seem more clearcut than a he said/she said type of accusation.

Very moved by your story, Timmy. Hugely courageous of you and definitely the right thing to do.

Math - invaluble advice. I think he was steaming at being forced to give what he believes to be his to a woman. Did not think about taking pics good idea. Why would wiring be wrong? I did tell the police about the cat...saying you would kill someone's pet without a moments doubt...bit sick.

And I do keep telling dd1 none of this is her fault or dd2s fault its between mum and dad to sort out. She keeps saying she will keep daddy away from me "because I'm 4 and a half" :( all I said to her was that mummy didn't feel safe with daddy anymore...and she's picked up the rest herself.

Mumonthenet - thank you. I do my best not to answer in detail. I said 'mummy is not safe with daddy' because on that morning I was in such a rush to get away, had not thought out what to say.

Alloverit- thanks, there are 3 keys and back door keys. Not planning to change the locks, I believe we will be okay, I recongnised my h's style when he said rudely to judge that he would not be going withing 50 mtr of house. Still want a dog though.

Will be confirming with solicitor about money but I have to live off something.

Kittywise - thank you :)

Mummytime - thank you and my mate has already admitted that's why they have not visited, h had nearly fallen asleep while they came to visit then went out running. Always bit embarressed by his behaviour round people.

Celestinelass - thanks for that from your sister :)

Locks not planning to change, must remember to update police, had forgotten...must go dd2 stirring...

Will reply more tomorrow as I get time, monday please remind me of things to do, trying to write notes in my notepad. Oh and need about 17k of repairs to house, kitchen roof v old and ready to leak, doors to replace rotting wood, new oven needed, and other things can't remember off top of head. Its a unique property, could easily let as holiday place, keep and buy another property to let this one out or sell it? Any thoughts?

Wiring can be interfered with and render appliances useless. Wiring problems can also start fires.

Your little DD seems to have a high sense of responsibility for your welfare. I would do a good deal of 'caring' activities for her for a while, and reassure her as much as possible that lots of other grown ups are looking after her and helping you. I would also try to avoid giving her compliments like 'You're such a big girl now' for a bit. Just reassurance that you love her, lots of cuddles and sitting on your knee, rocking, etc.

Not a great time to sell a house, but if it has potential as an income generator, and could be attractive, then it might be worth investigating selling it, or fixing it up and moving somewhere while making an income out of it yourself might be nice too. Nothing is worse than facing constant costly upkeep to a property that is also your home imho.

Bless your DDs Timmy - breaks my heart.

Would think carefully about not changing locks. Talk to solicitor - see what she says. This is a man who wanted to do you great physical harm and kill your cat. I wouldn't put anything past him. Is it not better to be on the safe side and change them?

Hope you are having a restful weekend [hsmile]

Littlemisshissyfangs - thank you for reassurance, and I may need help yet!

Therealchopin- thankyou for telling me this, I'm so sorry for the way your dad treated you. I know how hard it can be stirring up memories for typing these things again, you have my respect, you survived xx

grannieonabike - thank you :)

math - I fear I have left dd with a high sense of responsibility, I'm poor at getting up in the morning, due to dd2's lack of sleep, h would get her up, that's up to me now. And when I was pg with dd2 I would nap on sofa for up to 2 hrs while dd1 watched tv...not a good example and maybe she felt she had to care for me? Got to do better now.

Alloverit - the front door is so weak it could be kicked in! I have a chain on the door I can use, and some double inside doors I could put a broom through, their v sturdy and the back doors tho weak can be dead locked from the inside.

Well tomorrow is the big return day.

1. (I like lists) I fear I may find broken things everywhere/holes smashed through doors

1. Things of mine gone, but tbh he never much noticed what I liked so no too concerned on that one...

1. broken computer!! I need you guys on by my side!!

1. Goldfish dead :( hope he fed him

1. 2 weeks worth of milk gone off...bet he never cancelled them...

1. A horrible letter left for me

1. His possessions gone :( the end of our relationship and mainly of him being daddy at home with girls :( :( :(

I just feel like I'm going to enter a poisoned atmosphere...his personality lingering in the air...the anger and rage and hatred of me...:( we did like each other once but the problem is he has always said he likes his women like a spaniel - loyal. I used to joke and start panting...he would have been serious. A loyal dog would never do this...dogs just go back for more...I actually am sat here wishing I could have been more doglike for him see I prefer cats, they choose who they like and don't tolerate ill treatment...no wonder our relationship was doomed to fail. Note to self: Must pick cat lover next time.

Aaaggghhh its just horrid. Think I will cry when I go in...its just all so terribly sad for the girls, I miss him being their daddy. It'll be like going in a museum.

Anyhow, my mate can't come with me now, has to work. My other mate cannot take girls till late in day, don't want to be taking them home after tea, want them to be used to being in house again. Plan C is to ask my other mate to come round and for her to look after children playing while I tidy up and check out the washing machine - I left washing in 2 weeks ago, he will not have touched it...anyway I can get out mildew marks? Could leave girls with her...she has 4 girls and 2 grandchildren but she sits dd2 on work surface above hard floor...makes me cringe everytime. Reluctant to leave dd2 (total monkey when it comes to climbing/moving things to climb up to things) with anyone who has forgotten what monkies toddlers can be...

So anyway, will leave girls in car for 5 min while I look over house, have a quick cry and probably shake a bit from emotion and fear...then tidy anything that needs tidying, or if its too bad I'll whizz them off somewhere to await friend who may be able to take them for tea too while I straighten up. Want to move furniture, single bed to dd1's room so I can move kingsize bed (in bits if need be) into front bedroom, cannot bear memories in what was our room, will feel too lonely and desolate. How did I get to this? Its all too much :(

Please help me out tomorrow if any of you are about (and if computer is okay...) yet another tough day ahead. May have contact with solicitor...papers are being served to h tomorrow and she will include letter about speaking to her about contact with girls...so that will be a trauma too. Will be dropping them off at his parents where he is staying if he wants them. I'm guessing he will, I hope he does dd1 will be thrilled.

Okay signing off now, sorry for ramble, trying to offload before I sleep and straighten my head out for tomorrow.

nite all and thank you everyone for all your support and advice so far. I don't know if I would have got this far without you all :)

sleep well timmy.

I hope tomorrow isn't too difficult. Think you really must have someone there with you, hope you can manage that.

Thinking of ya and will check back tomorrow to see how the move went.

Timmy we'll all be here tomorrow don't worry x

Good luck tomorrow Timmy.

Just think of it as the start of your new life

Good luck today Timmy - we'll here!