Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

286 replies

willowwool · 09/10/2010 10:50

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

OP posts:
Eurostar · 10/10/2010 19:05

Well done Willow. It really is better being alone than being with someone who wants to change you and for you to dislike yourself.

I'm with Dittany on this one, there's more to this disgust with casual sex than meets the eye - however, that's for him to know and you to not have to bother with.

Read the article posted by Fffright - very good advice on detachment.

Original poster
willowwool · 10/10/2010 20:24

Oh dear, oh dear.

Despite me saying again and again that I did NOT want him to come round, he did.

I tried to pretend I wasn't in but gave up and answered the door. He'd brought his dinner with him!

It seems the message had not really got through and he still thought there was a chance. I got rather angry and he got teary. Then I got teary too. I don't like having to be so mean but it was the only way to stay strong. He didn't deny that he has behaved badly and kind of crumpled.

He left after less than an hour. He made a 'joke' about crashing his car on the way home but I told him not to be silly. He has friends and family who love him and he will be OK. It's what I'm hoping about myself too.

Think I'm a bit in shock. So, 37 and a sad old cow on my own. At least I have family and friends nearby. Although not in the mood to talk to anyone at the moment. (Or does this count?)

OP posts:
Frrightattendant · 10/10/2010 20:31
Shock

Well done - I think you handled that well. You stuck to your plan, even if he does crash the car (last ditch attempt at getting your sympathy! Didn't work, good) then it won't be your fault.

Silly, silly melodramatic person he is.

And enough about 37 being old Wink

Good luck Willow, be cautious, ignore further contact if there is any.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 20:38

willow...where in the UK are you ?

I knew he would turn up, totally predictable

he will be back again, I promise you

now don't let the tears fall next time

TheButterflyEffect · 10/10/2010 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
willowwool · 10/10/2010 21:05

SF I am nearish London, ExDP (feels weird writing that) is in London.

Butterfly my sister knows the score, apart from him coming round. Might ring her in a bit. Not in the mood to talk though. And I don't like to bother friends on a Sunday night. And I feel really silly and a bit pathetic.

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 10/10/2010 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 21:07

oh bugger, Manchester peeps would have embraced you

SolidGoldBrass · 10/10/2010 21:08

Willow, text or email this man along the following lines.
'I no longer want to be in a relationship with you or have any contact with you. Please do not make any further attempts to contact me.'
Then don't reply to any messages/emails or phone calls, but tomorrow morning, have a word with the local police on the non-urgent number to the effect that you have dumped your partner and he is now harassing you.
Honestly, don't waste any time trying to reason with him, or apologise to him. He's an arse and a potentially dangerous one, and the only way to deal with people like this is to hit them hard and fast with police warnings (which can be given after two contact attempts following a clear communication from you that you do not wish to have any contact with the person).

Original poster
willowwool · 10/10/2010 21:10

SF one of my best friends is in Manc land. Wish she was down my way tonight. One of the horrid things about getting older - friends spreading out across the country.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 21:13

I know, WW

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 21:14

hey, WW

I have just remembered you are a newbie...are you stickin' around ?

Original poster
willowwool · 10/10/2010 21:27

SF feel like a bit of a fraud sticking around. I joined MN when I was thinking about tcc. Now that is unlikely to happen any time soon, not sure I should stay. Is there such a thing as not-a-mumsnet?

But I am very grateful to MN as reading the relationship threads is one of the things that helped me realise I had to do something about my situatoin.

OP posts:
paddingtonbear1 · 10/10/2010 21:35

Just read the thread - WW, well done for being strong and sticking to your guns. My ex was rather like this - and I stayed with him for 7 years!! Fortunately we didn't have kids. Shortly after, I met dh, and things immediately felt right with him. I'm sure there will be someone out there for you. Do stick around, I'm pretty sure there are others on this board who don't have kids.

LilMsUnfortunateAxeIncident · 10/10/2010 21:37

WW, Hampshire any closer to you? North Hampshire that is?

You don't have to have kids to be here, there are many that don't.

Plus, once you have been on here more than a post or tow, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave....

Stay with us honey, you are one of us now!

SolidGoldBrass · 10/10/2010 21:39

WW: Oh stay, it's fun here. You wouldn't be the only one who;s Not Actually A Parent.

UA: For future reference, people who have had lots of sexual partners often have much better arsehole-radar (as demonstrated by WW spotting nice and early, before getting PG or moving in with her loser XP, that things were Not Right). Anyone who thinks they have a right to demand an apology from a partner for his/her previous sexual history is someone who should be dumped on the spot. And vigorously mocked, too (though maybe from a safe distance) as this is irredeemably knobbish, saddo behaviour.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 21:49

WW, there are some great peeps here who don't have children

I have children (growing up now), but don't define myself as a parent

I am a woman, first and foremost

stick around, I like you

missmoopy · 10/10/2010 22:02

willow, please avoid further contact with this man and tell family/friends what has happened. He sounds like a bit of a nutter.

Well done. And you are not a sad old cow or pathetic. You have ended a relationship which you are better off out of and that means you are a brave and powerful woman.

Original poster
willowwool · 10/10/2010 22:02

LilMs Not near Hants, I'm north of London.

SF thank you!

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 10/10/2010 22:37

I said that my post was nothing to do with the OP.

And it wasn't. Smile

The thing is, in each of the the four worst abusive, hardest to get out of relationships I have been in, the man had had many many sexual parters before me.

In each case they had hefty sexual ishoos with which I was not equipped to deal; and they made me very aware of this.

There was the australian who wanted a threesome because it was 'normal' and every should experience it at least once in their life. Kind of thing.

I accepted their pasts but actually they tried to made their sexual pasts part of my life script. And it wasn't going to happen.

I married the one who had scores and scores of exes and who eventually ran away to shag whores. I ignored his sexual past. But now, I if I ever met anybody else, I would find it very very difficult to.

This I hasten to add is nowt to do with the OP, who's ex is obviously a bloody weirdo who needs locking out.

I am answering SGB's 'for future reference' line.

I am not a fucking librarian.

Janos · 10/10/2010 22:49

WW, I'm sorry to see how things are developing with this bloke. I have dealt with exes like this before and sorry to say his behaviour does not surprise me. These people do NOT let go easy.

SGB has given very good practical advice on dealing with this,which I can't improve on (so won't).

Please do tell as many people as you can (or feel able) about what he is doing. There is strength in numbers and you need RL support too.

LilMsUnfortunateAxeIncident · 10/10/2010 22:53

Well Willow if you ever find yourself lost on the bottom of the M25, give us a shout!

SolidGoldBrass · 10/10/2010 22:56

UA: People who have had lots of sexual partners can be arseholes, of course. But so can those who have never had sex at all.

ItsGhoulAgain · 10/10/2010 23:04

He visited after you'd explicitly told him not to. He pestered you to let him in. He brought his dinner. How bizarre! Glimpses into the workings of this man's twisted mind, which would be enough to send any sane woman running in the opposite direction - even without his misguided attempts to own your past Confused

My money's on 'significant' gifts next.

I didn't know you could get a police warning after two unwanted contacts, SGB. Good info!

I hope you'll stay, too, WW. I'm not a mum either.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2010 23:37

I'm so glad you've taken the course that you have, willowwool. At your every posting, the alarms ran that little bit louder. The ones that flashed were

"my current DP's deep love for me means I am guilty of trying to overlook/explain his faults. "
The fact my DP loves me so much when others haven't been that bothered is probably why I have let this go on so long."
I couldn't see his behaviour as evidence of deep love.

"There was one phone call where he was crying and begging me to admit I'd been wrong."
"He has a couple of medical problems at the moment, so would feel like a cow to end it right now. "
Eugh, manipulative.

"I'll also admit that as I am getting on a bit, I rather see this as my last chance to have children."
Oh please god no, you know it's a bad idea and you'll be tied to him forever.

And as others have pointed out, his behaviour since is a cause for concern.

You don't have to be a mum to be on mumsnet, so please, stick around!