Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

Sorry to resurrect this thread (not sure if bad MN form?).

I didn't get inundated with calls, although a few texts. However, he asked via text if he could ring yesterday and I agreed. We had an amicable-ish conversation and he admitted he had been wrong and apologised unreservedly. I don't think he's suddenly a changed person but I think the apology is genuine.

He accepted that I don't want to have much contact but that maybe, in the future, we could be friendly.

But today he has rung again and since then two texts. I'll admit it is flattering getting attention. But, but... I can't see how he can suddenly accept that my sexual past is not his concern, after all the heartache he put me through. (He said he'd analysed why it upset him and come to the conclusion he was jealous of the fun I'd had, when he'd always lived by strict rules for relationships/sex.)

Guess the point of this waffle is for you all to tell me to continue to be strong and to not get drawn in by his words.

only you can decide whether you want to go back.

but i think you're right - a leopard doesn't change it's spots that easily.

I think the public sulking (at your mums birthday) and the apparent entitlement he felt to be rude to your sister were worrying signs.
I still think he would try to be controlling. I think he would soon slip back into it all.

I mean, if he's always lived by "strict riles" then presumably that is a habit of a lifetime. And you would have to adhere to those rules sooner or later...

It's tough isn't ir. Keep listening to your instinct though willowwool. That voice which says hang on a minute....

While it's good that he's apologised (and so he should!) you're right to be on your guard - it's really easy to get 'sucked in' again. These guys seem to have an unnerving instinct for sending a text/email at exactly the right (or do I mean wrong ) moment.

He might be thinking he has a chance to get back in there if you buy the 'I was wrong' line...could equally be he is just saying what he thinks will work though.

just keep re-reading your own thread

and no, it isn't bad form to resurrect it...it is yours remember

hoever, we cannot keep you strong

you have to be clear...do you want to go back to where you were before ? (all the signs are that you will), or do you want to move on ?

Oh Christ, no, don't get sucked back in! Someone upthread predicted that he'd go all nicey-nice now.

Why didn't he analyse the issue back when he was bringing it up over and over, and upsetting you, and insulting your sister, and harassing and harassing?

Out of interest, what do you know about his previous relationships?

Willow, I have just seen this and want to congratulate you for being strong and getting out. My ex-h was like this. I went into denial, married him anyway and spent 6 years in hell before I got my act together and left. You've had some fabulous advice on here so nothing that I can really add except to reiterate that they ALWAYS try to suck you back in by being oh-so-nice. Don't fall for it for an instant. Men like this do not change ime.

Thank you all.

I needed some back up to help me keep my reslove.

TIAHH Previous relationships: he was with someone for 10 years, and she is now one of his best friends and he gets on well with her whole family (i.e. close friends with her brother in-law). Possibly a bit weird? After that he 'broke two women's hearts'. Although my guess is they got over it!

I have been reading the thread about the woman whose 'D'P gave her a black eye and realise my problems are miniscule really. And that I'm very lucky not to have been physically abused by anyone.

(Although thanks to the power of MN I do realise one ex, not this one, was very emotionally abusive and can't believe I was stupid enough not to bin him as soon as it became apparant he was a narcassist (sp?) git.)

DOn't ever, ever let him talk you into trying again. He will mistreat you horribly because he will want to punish you for having binned him. He is an arse. He will not stop being an arse, unfortunately.

Another NOOOO! from me.

An apology? Well, great. How much remorse does he seem to be feeling about the frequent distress he's caused you, the taking you for granted, his antipathy towards your friends & family, and the confusion he caused them? Or has he ONLY considered whether you were right about one aspect of HIM?

Leave him to his rules & self-obssession. You deserve a partner who gives a shit.