Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

I have slept with more people than my DH and it bothers me more than him.

Run like mad from this guy and please don't have a baby with him.

Surely if you are on the brink of making major commitments like living together and trying for a family, then yes it is good to be exploring your attitudes to fidelity and sex - and I'd rather hope that you would be aiming for neither of you to be having sex elsewhere - whther meaningless or not!
Totally creepy though to have such a'hang up' about past 'casual' encounters- and as for trying to control your future single behaviour....weird.
I disagree though that it's unhealthy to want to know your partners history - I'm pretty sure me and dh know all there is to know - but we were pretty young when we got together so it's all somewhat irrelevant now 20 years later....

Wow, this is very familiar. My ex used to throw tantrums if I mentioned another ex, even while admitting that he'd done similar in a far more dodgy context (e.g. I went out with a guy who was polyamorous, briefly, which may not be ideal for me but didn't hurt anyone at all and ex was extremely horrible about this and would go mad at any mention of it; meanwhile he openly admitted to having dumped a woman and when she phoned him in distress, going out and shagging her in her car while she admitted to being suicidal, then leaving her there, which seems to me far more destructive and horrible than an open, consensual relationship). However, Willow, I was stupid enough to believe his claims about being in love, and stayed with him, only to end up dumped a couple of weeks before finding out I was pregnant with our child- a pregnancy during which he threatened and criticised me constantly. I am now stuck with the guy around as he wants to see his daughter, even though I fear for her as I think he is an awful male role model. He's now going out with a 19 year old, by the way (we're in our 30s)- I suppose that's one way of making sure the person you're with has no history...

In hindsight, I would say get out now before you are stuck being a scapegoat for this man's maddonna-whore complex with a child too, and before you get too attached and feel you can't leave.

Madonna/whore complex? Just a thought.

BTW- I have a similar past and if my new dp can't handle it; he's history. You are what you are.

Whatb Iwould find to hard to understand isn your past is your past and if he feels threatened by that; then he's a wierdo.

Strange, i've slept with A LOT (put a zero on the end of his number) more people than my dp and although he knows this, it is never brought up or mentioned! He probably wouldn't be amused if I brought it up all the time, but I wouldn't be if he brought it up either. Its just not relevant, this guy has issues!

I've come to this late but concur with the vast majority of posters on this thread, he is bad news.

I see you have already split. Good for you! Be prepared for lots of stropping and whining though. Whiny/needy people don't tend to go quietly!

Do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT move in with this guy.
Please.
Do. Not. Move. In. With. This. Guy.

The mere thought of anyone "not accepting" what I have done in my past when I did not even know that person makes me laugh uncontrollably.

What exactly does anyone have to "accept"? It just happened, I am happy with it, and in no way am I ashamed of any of it. I have had one-night stands in the past, I don't publicize it, but if my DP asked about it, I would tell him. I have asked him, out of curiosity, about his previous relationships and he has told me, and I have told him about mine.

I have nothing against consensual sex between two free adults. If someone else does have anything against it, and said person wishes to be with me in a relationship, he has two options:

1. Change his mind and accept I am as free as anyone else to have sex and enjoy it.

1. Not change his mind, but keep his opinions to himself.

You ladies are really understanding and have the patience of St. Job. There was once one boyfriend who dared to pass judgement about my past, and he immediately got an earful of exactly what I thought about his judgement.

Funnily enough, the same guy who felt he could judge me about my normal, healthy and enjoyable sex when I was single, had in the past cheated on his own wife. Enough said.

never ever discuss numbers with a partner!

frankly, any 'man' who asks that kind of question needs to grow the fuck up.

any 'man' who relentlessly criticises you for your past and begs you to accept and adopt his criticism is trouble, and very unlikely to 'change', particularly in his late 30's. don't let an emotionally immature and emotionally abusive 'man' be your problem or your abuser!

also it sounds to me that he doesn't 'love deeply', he's obsessive.

hope you manage to successfully detangle yourself from him :)

Haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say I had an ex with the same obsession with my 'Past' (yes, he gave it a capital letter).

I was quite young when we got together and he was my first serious boyfriend so when he got upset about my 'number' (which wasn't very big, but bigger than his) I didn't know that his was an unacceptable attitude.

He would bring it up constantly and, just like your partner, forced me to accept it was wrong, horrid behaviour and manipulated me into apologising and crying. He always promised we could put it behind us but would later bring it up and every time he 'forgave' me he acted like he was some put-upon saint.

At the time I really couldn't see how fucked up this was but looking back I am so angry about it. I'm glad you recognise that this is a problem and hope you make the right decision.

I would advise running for the hills. My ex ended up using My Past to justify extreme jealousy and possessivness that got worse and worse. He would cite my 'rampant nympho reputation' to explain why he wasn't going to allow my to go out with my friends/ go shopping/ go to uni. He said I 'had form' and couldn't be trusted.

Oh God - realy, three phone calls in ten minutes?

I hope you didn't give in and answer, Willow!

The bit about him again asking you never to have meaningless sex again - even AFTER you have broken up - just blows my mind with weirdness.

He has serious issues. REALLY sinister stuff.

Hope you are Ok and had a good evening - let us know you're Ok!

WW how's your head this morning?

Bit late to this as have head stuck up backside dealing with own stupid issues all weekend. Just wanted to say that I don't think he's in love with you but with some idealised idea of you. It's really hard when someone puts you on a pedestal and then you dare to behave like a normal person.

You know he's not the one for you or I don't think you would have posted.

I hope you are ok today.

Went off to see my sister and tried to block out being upset with wine. I am ashamed to admit it, but we watched X Factor. Don't judge me!

Just before I left the house he texted to say he was going to bring my stuff round right then, rather than at some point today, which is what we had agreed. I asked him not to but when I got back, my few bits and bobs from his flat, plus my spare key and a bunch of flowers were sitting in my hallway.

I guess this is a good sign that he has accepted things? Sad he wasn't willing to try and change his view point and accept my past and my right to think any consensual adult sex is fine. Grrrr.

Trying to ignore the fact I am feeling sad. I don't want to be a sad lonely old cow. I wanted to get married and have children. I'm lucky to have a wonderful, quirky little love of a god daughter, but it's not the same as my own child is it?

I don't often resort to stereotypical behavouir, but I may be forced to go shopping today in a futile attempt to cheer myself up.

Don't worry, sure I will stop wallowing soon. Very busy week at work coming up, so that should distract me.

dittany. No, I really don't think he does have a secret sex life. But he projects what 'meaningless' sex does to him (i.e. still feels guilty years later for having a one night stand) onto me - and can't understand why I haven't reacted the same way as him to events in my life.

Maybe I'm trying too hard to understand and excuse him. He really isn't a bad person, but somehow he's ended up with this very strange attitude to sex. Sex and love are the same thing to him, whereas I don't always think they are.

I will show my arse on the town hall steps if this is the last you hear of his whiny attempt to control your thoughts.

He will be back with some more emotional manipulation to fuck with your head just a bit more.

SF - you get to keep your clothers on and not shock the mayor. He called this morning. But, it was relatively amicable. He did want to come round, but I said no. It helps that he lives an hour's drive away, so he can't just pop round.

Suspect there will be a few more phone calls.

WW, you have no idea what is around the corner for you. have faith. You are still young. I didn't have my DS until I was 38, so don't panic.

Get to know yourself, love yourself and everyone else will love you. This is not your failure, it's his. He is not man enough, not secure enough, not loving enough to have a relationship.

He is a manchild, the last, the very last thing anyone needs.

You are worth so much more.

Keep saying no

I am polishing my arse, as we speak

"it's not the same as my own child is it? " - donor insemination is a darn sight easier than trying to live your life with someone who is not emotionally compatible with you. Despite what you might read, if you do it from the beginning raising a child alone is not the most difficult thing on earth and a great deal more preferable to my mind than either being childless or having a child with someone you shouldn't.

I understand that not everyone will agree with me

Arrgghh!

He has called again. Says he has to see me today. I said, no please do not come round. But he said he 'can't make any promises'. I'm heading out shopping soon, and am worried he'll be sitting outside when I get back. I was very, very firm but am not sure it got through.