Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

WW, I am just squeezing the spots on my bum, ready for it's outing

Kew, I don't disagree with you.

I have raised my DS with absolutely no help at all from H, and tbh, it'd have been easier if H wasn't here at all. This set up is worse than being a single parent. At least a SP has hope, somehow that they will meet someone and share things.

LilM - my life isn;t easier becuase I have hope of a future H! It's easier because I do exactly what I want, I parent my way and I don;t have an emotional drain of a partner who is not supportive. Of course there are difficulties and of course it would be easier with a committed, supportive DH but single with no H in sight ever is a damn sight easier than a H (vs a DH!)

WW, sit back and observe this your X, distance yourself and look at him like an exhibit.

The person you thought you knew never existed, I have a feeling that there was a great deal of odd thinking that has been suppressed. You will see real colours now.

stay safe, be firm and make sure you have friends/police on speed dial.

Don't want to frighten you, but considering you have told him that it's over and not to bring stuff round, he lives an hour away and came anyway WTF....?

I think he suspects there is someone else, which is why he let himself in when he knew you would not be there.

Actually change the locks. Would he have been able to have accessed your PC? run a check for spyware?

You are right Kew, absolutely right.

I'm still in a shitty relationship so struggle to see some things some times!

Kew - my friend who has experienced both situations said to me that being an sp is easier in some ways because you have no-one to resent!

Willowwool - I admire how strong you are being. Keep it up. I've a similar past to yourself and I could never be with someone who expected me to flagellate myself over it.

Besom I think the lack of resentfulness against a fuckwith ex-P is one of the things I'mforever grateful for. Doesn't mean I'm not envious of those whi have mature. stable, loving fun and supportive marriages though!

I look back at two of my long term ex-bf's and I'm so glad I didn;t have childrne with either of them, life would have been much harder work (and I suspect I would still have ended up single!)

Stay strong WW, good luck.

Wanting you to promise not to have meaningless sex if you are single is just bizarre! It means he accepts you could be without him but not that you might be without him and controlling your own sexuality. Will you have to promise to do anything else like not stay up past 2am on a work night?

I think briefly feeling a twinge of jealousy about your partner's history is understandable, but to judge or control because of it is not. I remember feeling that twinge myself about my husband in our early days together, but I knew it was irrational. I think I even said to him (in jest!) 'I can't believe you met someone before you knew I even existed'. He laughed, and pointed out my ex-boyfriend. Then we moved on. If I'd tried to make him apologise for it I'd have expected him to walk away.

I do wonder if in this case the partner isn't going to like being an ex-partner. Stick together with your sister or whoever and ward him off :)

Like an injunction.

He's so creepy.

Willow I am very glad you have told this man it's over. He still doesn't believe you, however.

He needs to know. Don't make any promises, any vague 'yes, maybe one day' hints or anything like that.

Read this page: here

Towards the bottom it tells you how to get rid of someone like this.
It's very helpful.

Remember what I said - be like a cracked record, repeat over and over again, I'm sorry, I don't want to be with you, the relationship is over'

He may well turn abusive and nasty but ignore it. Get the non emergency police number and ring it - they will log any worrying incidents (this is harrassment btw, what he is doing) and not come out to talk to him unless/until you feel it is necessary - but the log will stay in place for some time, so you will have a record with them if you need it in the future.

Make a note of every incident. Every text, phone call etc. Change your mobile number, actually- most companies have a nuisance calls dept who will do it for free. Let him know it's changed if you like.

Change your locks in case he helped himself to a duplicate key cutting session in your absence.
Change your landline if you feel like it - inconvenient I know - or at least get a caller ID phone, screen calls, get him blocked if they'll do it.

Make sure as many people as possible know he is acting weirdly and won't leave you alone, your neighbours, friends, family. Have the phone by you at night in case you are worried.

Hopefully he will move on once you have stopped reacting/being his sounding board, and he knows there's no hope. He will want to blame you, but never mind - let him think what he wants. He's crazy so it doesn't matter

just make sure you are safe. He'll find another object of adulation pretty soon.

often if he really is a stalkery type, being caught by someone else hanging around your house, whatever, will be enough to make him feel scared and guilty and he'll stop.

But be prepared that he might take a while to get the message.

Just a thought WW, but is he catholic by any chance? And I'm not asking that in a derogatory way, I'm a catholic myself and there's so much guilt in the faith concerning sex (I escaped this particular nuance of catholicism I'm pleased to say )

Back from a shopping trip and no sign of bloke, as yet. It was almost comical how I crept the car around the corner of my road and got my sister to look out for his car.

Maybe he took heed of the wishes, maybe he will turn up later. Hope not.

I chatted a bit to my sis about it. A while ago he made a rude comment about her sex life, which I didn't pick up on at the time (I was in the same room). She told me afterwards and I felt awful - both that he said it, and that I missed it. My sister is a lot younger than me and I am very protective of her - so to miss a hurtful comment made towards her upsets me. Both sister and mum thought it was worrying I hadn't noticed him saying it - like I'd got used to it. Sis also reminded me of a few occasions when he'd been rude and/or moody - sulking in the restaurant on mum's birthday, 'having to' leave the room when an innocent remark of my sister's about an event in my past upset him.

But still, I don't want to think he is all bad. But am pretty adamant he is not right for me.

HWL he's not catholic, or religious at all. Not sure where this strange puritanitcal streak in him came from. I went to catholic junior school, so at least I'd have an excuse!

strange puritanical streak

Exchange that for weird, sex-obsessed, misogynistic, controlling nobber , and you get somewhere closer to the reality

SF I'd agree with all of that apart from misogynistic - he judges men just as harshly as women for 'meaningless' sex.

It sounds like a big old warning sign to me. He clearly had madonna/whore complex and his behaviour is controlling in that he thinks you should be apologetic etc.

You are better off without him.

SF

That is horrid - if your family is worried about his behaviour, they are right and you need to listen to them.

Friends/family being concerned for you having met your partner is a BIG warning sign.

Glad he hasn't shown up yet, I hope he doesn't - threatening that he may be unable to control himself sufficiently to abide by your wishes that he doesn't, though is really worrying.

Where exactly does he get off making you feel anxious? He will be aware it makes you anxious. This isn't love; it's cruel, it's manipulative and it's really wrong.

Anyone normal would say 'Ok, sure, sorry - I won't come if you don't want me to'. What is so hard about that?
I wonder if he has some kind of personality disorder.

Please give him not a glimmer of hope. Any little chink of light that you might be amenable to this manipulation and control is something he will grasp and work with.

You'll be shot of him quicker if you jovially laugh off any further comments such as 'I can't promise I won't come round'.

'Yes dear, how funny, you'll have a very long wait if you expect to be let in'

He won't know whether to laugh or not. Be really serious. You have to get the tone of the laugh just right

Christ on a bike, he sounds like my ex.

I only saw him for a couple of months but he was horrifying. He told me that after one night stands he would always be totally disgusted with himself and them and use any excuse to get out of there. He had a couple of threesomes and asked if I ever had. I said No but that someone had once asked me to with his mate and they were both totally fit so I had been tempted, well, he was absolutely disgusted and really got angry about it. There was loads more as well but don't want to go into too much detail, I posted about before under a different name and got endless posts in response.

These men are just horrifying but even more horrifying is that going by this thread there are so many of them about!

Sadly I too, don't think you have heard the last of this "whineyarse" love that term SGB and may well have to get some kind of outside help to get rid of him.

Sulking in the restaurant on your mum's birthday. FGS.
Yep - its all about HIM isn't it...

he is misogynistic and he hates everybody else too

not a great combination

Happywithlife, I don't think there's any religion which actually endorses pre-marital sex. I don't think being catholic is any sort of excuse for this guy's atrocious behaviour.

He's sounding more and more like my X by the way, who was church of england.

PS, I agree with Frrrright about how to get through to him that the relationship is over. Pick a sentence that can't be argued with, such as 'this is not what I want anymore' and repeat it ad infinitum. If you start to try to explain it to him, he'll argue with you and tell you that you are wrong to think xyz adn wrong to feel xyz and it'll all be back on again before you can say 'i'm so trapped'.