Can't accept my past: are we doomed?

[willowwool]

My first post, so please don't be too mean.

Joined MN as was thinking about tcc with DP but now think that may be a bad idea...

We were both the wrong side of 35 when we met and therefore both had pasts. Admittedly mine was more, err, extensive than his. Partly as he was in one relationship for a long time, and partly because I was a bit promiscuous in my 20s. Mostly shortish/doomed relationships but a few one night stands too. I have accepted that some of the encounters I had were a bit sleazy but for the most part do not regret the life I have led (except for trying to make a relationship with an emotionally abusive git work - a whole other story!).

Dp, however, gets very upset if ever the subject is alluded to. Our relationship was very good for the 1st year but once my 'total' became clear (and I only admitted it when directly pressed on the matter), things have never been quite the same. For months he wanted me to admit I had been wrong to 'sleep around' but I can't and won't. My view is that what happened before we met is not his business, and besides, he was no angel either.

Every time I think the subject is dead and buried it comes up again. Happened again last night when we were on the phone to arrange our weekend (we do not yet live together but the plan has been that we do soon). Frankly, I'm sick of it now. He gets angry and upset, and I get very defensive.

When not being upset about all this, he is very loving. It probably doesn't help that I am not particularly in touch with my emotions and prone to bouts of depression.

So, are we doomed? Should I end it now and accept my life as a spinster with a cat?

IGA: That's what I heard (am not a copper nor a lawyer) - but the key point is you have to have told the person in no uncertain terms not to contact you again. Luckily Willow has had the sense never to marry, live with or have DC with this man so she can cut him totally out of her life, and he has no excuse for trying to remain in contact with her.

How are you doing this morning OP? I hope you weren't plagued by mobile phone bleeps all night long. You're doing the right thing here. DO not take him back. Congratulations getting rid of this vortex early on. He would have sapped the life out of you and turned you to ashes...
[one who knows]

I'm OK today. Sad, but I'll survive.

Got a long text late last night to let me know he'd got home 'I made it home, not sure how. Hope you still care'. Signed off with love and kisses.

I'm not up to being sociable, so am working at home today - lucky that I have the option of doing that.

So, I had best crack on with work. Not that I am really in the mood for it...

Oh yuck.

Nobody deserves to get a text like that. He is one very angry man.

Glad you are managing OK x

WW, glad you are coping and do please make sure you have plenty of support.

I don't want to alarm you but you need to be aware that his behaviour is likely to turn nasty once he realises his tactics won't work you are not going to back down.

Forewarned is forearmed!

I second Janos' comments: when bleating and whining don't work, he is going to turn to aggression. You may get messages calling you nasty names and blaming you for breaking up the relationship - probably there will be suggestions that there is something 'wrong' with you because you are too smart and too mentally healthy to waste your time on a wanker like him - don't believe a word of it. He's the one with the problem, he's inadequate, sexually dysfunctional (being this negatively obsessed with how much sex other people have had is a sexual dysfunction), selfish and spiteful.
I know I haven't ever met the man, but I;ve met plenty like him. Textbook tosser. You are so well rid Willow.

I agree SGB. He appears to have zero concept of what Willow might be feeling - no empathy, only a self centred compulsion to gain her attention and affection whatever the cost to her.

I also agree he is likely to make this into an active, rather than passive, attack - not necessarily violence, or anything physical at all, but using really horrible language against the OP and accusing her of being the cause of all his problems, having something wrong with her etc.

She's invisible to him, it isn't about her at all - any of it. He's deluded.

I'd not hesitate in involving or threatening to involve the police if this continues - it often works wonders, it shows you won't put up with the crap. He'll find someone else to wheedle his way into the life of.

I meant to clarify, what he is already doing is a passive attack - it's aggression hidden under the guise of 'love'.

He's actually furious but he won't show it until he reaches last resort territory.

Willow - keep telling yourself you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You don't owe him a relationship. Nobody does.

Yes SGB I have met blokes like this too, the behaviour pattern is very familiar unfortunately.

WW - thank goodness you didn't have children with this man!

Frright (great name change btw ) you are absolutely spot on with your passive attack comment.

gonna swim against the tide a ikkle bit here

I know this bloke is a dick. I know he is only feeling sorry for himself. But he just got dumped by someone he loves (the fact that we decided his love was extremely conditional doesn't change the fact that in his head, he was in love)

I don't think he has done anything too out of the ordinary, that many men, and women, would do when faced with the end of a relationship yet

so although OP, needs to remain very clear and firm and fair to both of them, she can feel a bit sorry for him too (but not too sorry, of course )

Agree. A visit and a text doesn't (yet) make him a stalker...

Katisha and SF, let's hope so.

I hope so too

the stupid sod can't help the fact he is a tosser

SF I've never seen you be quite so sentimental about a complete f*ckwit before

It is rather sweet.

fright, I do have a heart ya know

fuckwits need a bit of sympathy too

for the simeple reason they are fuckwits, but don't know it

imagine having to live in such ignorance !

Yeah if he were to just say OK, and bugger off into the sunset and not even try to call, it'd be odd.

BUT... I still don't like the turning up unannounced, and letting himself in.

THAT'S odd.

he is odd all over, tbh

any more instances of that kind of twattery, and he should be strung up

WW, be on your guard, change the locks and perhaps get a new SIM if the texts don't stop.

Give him a week to get used to the idea, then clamp down.

So long as he doesn't come up with really weird behaviour, no need to panic

Hello again

My day at work is finished. Working at home is a bit lonely, so will probably be glad to go back to the office tomorrow.

I agree with SF. So far I don't think his behaviour indicates he is going to be a stalker - I really do think he is genuinely upset. He seemed absoulutely devastated last night. He didn't argue with me or get angry. It's a clash of ideas. He CANNOT accept the idea of 'meaningless' sex, I CANNOT accept the idea that I should have to apologise for my life, or my view that two consenting adults can have whatever sex they want. No phone calls or texts today. If they do start, I'll let you know that I have been naive!

The relationship ended due to these arguments about what sex means - but tbh at the moment, I've gone right off the idea of being intimate with anyone!

if I have been naive.

Hmph. THe misogyny and sexual dysfunction that led her to dump him in the first place mean I have no sympathy for the man. He never 'loved' her, he was just an arsehole.
SOrry WW, he may have been good looking and possibly even a good shag, and it's not your fault he's an arsehole.

WW, I want to applaud your will of iron

"working from home" and not come onto MN until 17:41 ??

you are seriously tough

SF, too true, that woman has some will... especially if that work involves a computer within reach...

I've been working all day on PC, as can be clearly seen intermittently on MN, FB and that flaming new fangled distraction Twitter...